After All This Time?
Jane felt Sirius's tears on her head. She felt a small weight lift from her. She finally had answers. But still Jane felt guilty. Sirius was innocent and she had failed to get him out. He had suffered so much and she had left him to rot. Which led her to her next problem.
"Sirius," she said quietly after a few minutes.
"Hmm?" He responded pulling away to look at her.
"I-I don't know how to get you out," Jane started to ramble. "I can't just bring up and start accusing A dead man right after visiting you. They'll think it's some kind of insane plot that you fed me. I've got no proof."
"You're right," Sirius sighed bitterly. "The ministry doesn't exactly play fair."
"I just need to figure out how to prove it," Jane said thoughtfully.
"Veritaserum." He suggested.
"Already tried to do that," she said dully. "Said it was unnecessary."
She began to cry again. She was getting really sick of that. Sirius was the one stuck here. He didn't need to keep comforting and reassuring her. It should be her comforting him. And yet he still reached up and wiped her tears using her cloak that was still wrapped around him to avoid getting dirt on her face.
"My dearest Jane," he said, giving her that charming smile again. "You will figure it out."
"How? I've been trying for years," Jane said. "and I never even considered the possibility of you switching secret keepers or that Peter was the traitor."
"Well now that you know, you can figure out what to look for." He said. "Besides it's my fault I didn't tell you."
Jane pulled away from him and hugged her knees to her chest.
"How can you think that?" Jane said, not looking at him. "How can you believe in me and trust me so much? It took me so long just to come and see you."
"But you still came," Sirius said. "I didn't think you would, but you're here."
"But after 9 years? That's too long," she argued. "You shouldn't believe in me."
"I'd wait for you for 9 more if I had to," he said. "I'd wait forever for you."
That almost made her feel worse. She could tell that he was being honest, but she could also tell how much being in Azkaban had affected him. She looked down at his still bleeding hand. She picked it up and held it.
"Scourgify," she said. They both watched as the blood and grime from his hand washed away. "Episkey."
"Thank you," Sirius whispered. Jane could tell that was for more than fixing his hand.
"Hey," he said again after a few more moments of silence. He put his hand to her face and made her look up at him. "Don't blame yourself. It's my fault I'm in here. Regardless of whether I'm innocent or not. It's still my fault."
"No!" She insisted. "It's not."
"Besides," Sirius said, ignoring her. "The dementors don't affect me as much as the others. I can afford to wait."
"What do you mean?" She asked.
"You saw me turn into Padfoot, right?" He said. It was more of a statement than question. Jane nodded before he continued. "Dementors don't affect Padfoot as much. It helps when things become too much...I think they can tell that my feelings are less human and less complex when I'm a dog. But I think they think that I'm going insane like the others…They can't see me of course, so they don't know."
Jane stared at him in awe and amazement. But she was also incredibly saddened that he had to do this. She opened her mouth to respond but Sirius continued.
"Do you know what else helps?" He asked. Once again Jane shook her head. "Knowing that I'm innocent. It's not a happy thought, necessarily...But it keeps me sane… And it's a thought that they can't take away. And now knowing that you know I'm innocent too… I think it'll help even more."
"But if I had come sooner-" she started but Sirius interrupted her.
"You had your reasons," he said. "And you don't have to explain them to me."
Jane paled as she thought of some of those reasons. Especially one of them. She stood up rather quickly. Her hand flew to her head and she ran her hands through her hair.
"Oh Merlin!" She whispered just loud enough for Sirius to hear. She checked her watch and saw that she had been there for a couple hours. She knew that the Auror's, especially Moody, would be coming to drag her away soon and that Emmeline was probably fighting him off from marching down here to drag her out now. But Sirius needed to know.
He stood up and reached out to her, anxious and worried. Jane had started muttering to herself.
"What?" He asked hurriedly. "What is it?"
She didn't seem to hear him and continued to mutter, thinking deeply on how to tell him about his sons, Caelum and Caspian.
"Jane." He called out to her.
"Jane!" She still didn't respond. Sirius, now incredibly concerned, grabbed her shoulders and shook her as gently as he could.
"Hey!" Finally she snapped her focus to him.
"I had twins." She blurted without more of an explanation.
Sirius slowly let go. His mind was spiraling. She had twins. She had more kids without him. She had moved on without him. He stepped away from her with a pained expression. Because of course she moved on. She was beautiful and kind and desirable. And he was a mutt left to rot.
Jane was unaware of his inner turmoil. She knew he'd be upset. He'd always wanted more children but had wanted to wait until they weren't in the middle of the war. He had adored Jazlyn when she was born and treasured Harry and Avalon as his own when they each came later. Knowing Sirius, not being able to be with his own precious daughter had been torturous for him even without the added pain from dementors. She couldn't imagine the pain he would feel from not knowing about his sons.
The only sound that both of them could hear was each other's heavy breathing.
He turned away from her again. Despite having already cried in front of her today. He didn't want her to see him crying because she had gone on and had children without him. He clenched his fist and tried to keep himself from punching the wall again and frightening her.
"Whose are they?" He choked out.
"Whose….?" She started confused. He was facing away from her and he had asked so quietly. She didn't think she had heard correctly. "Sorry, what?"
"WHO'S THEIR FATHER!?" He shouted and whipped back around to glare at her. "Get with Stebbins again while I was stuck here, did you? Or perhaps Podmore?"
Jane took a shocked step back, now understanding that he wasn't upset that he wasn't there but thought that she had moved on to someone else.
"Oh," she gasped. She reached forward and brushed her hands on his face. Sirius tried to pull away but she put her arms around his neck and pulled him in. "Oh no, Sirius. You are. You're their father."
"What?" He whispered cautiously.
"You are their father," Jane said. "There has never been anybody else."
"But that's impossible." He muttered. "I've been here for 9 years, you said."
"I know." Jane said. "But I guess you weren't the only one keeping secrets that night."
"What?" He said again.
"You'll remember I was sick a lot." She said. "And I had taken Avalon to the healers for a check up. I had my suspicions so I had them check for me. I should have told you right away but I wanted to surprise you for your birthday. I'm sorry Sirius, I should have told you right away."
Sirius sank to his knees. He should never have gone after Peter. If he'd have known that she was pregnant would he have done anything differently? He thought to himself.
"I didn't find out it was twins until later." Jane said. "But that's why I didn't come right away. I was pregnant and Remus said it would be a bad idea for me to come if I was pregnant."
"He'd be right." Sirius said. "Always is."
Sirius wasn't sure if he should be relieved that they were his children or devastated that he hadn't been there for her. Or that he wasn't there to raise them. He hadn't needed to know why Jane didn't come sooner, but he understood now. She was looking after their children and the Potter's, probably James's sister too if Sirius remembered her age correctly. That was a lot for one person. And from the sound of it, she still worked endlessly to free him or at least get him a trial even though he had seemingly betrayed her. He should be grateful but he couldn't help feeling bitter that he didn't know his family.
"What are their names?" He asked hesitantly.
"Caelum Edric and Caspian James Black," She said, joining him on the floor again. "They were born a few weeks early, May 23, 1982. Caelum was born first. Caspian came 7 minutes later."
"Caelum," Sirius whispered. "That's-"
"-what you've always wanted to name a son."
"My family had too many ridiculous traditions but naming their children after stars wasn't so bad." Sirius sighed. "You named him after your father too."
Jane nodded.
"And Caspian James," Sirius started.
"Named after James of course and one of Lily's favorite muggle story characters." Jane finished for him.
Sirius was honored that even though in her eyes he was potentially a traitor, she still gave one of the twins a name he had wanted. He wondered who they looked Iike, or who they acted like. There were so many things that he might never get to know. They were his sons and all because he didn't tell Jane about switching secret keepers, he never got to meet them or know anything about them. And they had to grow up without a father.
"I have photos," Jane said as if reading his mind. But she seemed a little unsure. "If you'd like to see them."
Sirius nodded.
"In the pocket of the cloak," She pointed. She reached over and pulled a small leather photo album out. She flipped through the pages and found one from when the boys were born. She handed the book to him. They were wiggling side by side in the moving photograph. They were both smaller than Jazlyn had been when she was born and each had tuffs of black hair. Sirius turned the page and gasped.
"They look just like me," Sirius gaped. The picture he was looking at now showed the two boys on their 8th (most recent) birthday blowing out the enchanted floating sparkler above their cake. Sirius felt his guilt creep up even higher as he looked at the photos of the two boys . They were his children and they felt like strangers. But they looked so happy without him. Jane had clearly done a good job with them all on her own.
He turned the next page over and his gaze softened completely. There on the page was Jazlyn at one years old sitting on top of Padfoot as if he was a horse. A pair of legs close by. Sirius remembered that they were James's. The curious little one year old was leaning forward in an attempt to see the face of the dog and almost toppled off before Sirius quickly transformed into himself to catch her and hug her into himself. On the page next to it was a current photo of her simply smiling for the camera. The photo Jazlyn gave Sirius a small wave. To him, she looked so much like her mother when they had first met in their first year. But he could see the little features of himself shining through. His own grey eyes were staring up at him. Jazlyn was more relaxed and confident than her mother had been at that age and proudly wore her father's same cheeky grin. Her hair color was lighter than Sirius's but the texture came from him. Sirius remembered the many debates they all had when she was toddler trying to determine who she looked more like.
Sirius often thought about what his family was up to while he was locked up in Azkaban. He thought about what happened with Harry since he saw Hagrid take him. He thought about little Avalon. He thought about Moony. He obviously never thought about the twins since he hadn't known about them until today. But he had thought constantly about Jane. Always wondering if she still loved him or if she hated him. He had constant nightmares of her moving on and forgetting him. (He'd never blame her if she did of course). And while he constantly thought about all of them. The one person he had thought of the most (more than even Jane), was his precious little girl.
"My Little Star," Sirius whispered to himself. He then turned to Jane and spoke a little louder. "She's 11 now, isn't she?"
Jane nodded.
"At Hogwarts then," Sirius said. "What house?"
"Actually no," Jane said. "Not yet anyways."
Sirius quirked a questioning eyebrow at her.
"Her birthday is—" Jane started.
"September 1st," He interrupted, slowly starting to understand.
"Yes and for Hogwarts you need to be 11—" Jane said.
"By August 31st." Sirius realized. "Oh."
"Yeah," Jane nodded. "Jazzy's still pretty upset about it."
Sirius let out his bark like laughter for the first time in a while which made Jane jump slightly.
"I bet she is!" He said, "I would be too."
"I'm pretty sure Remus is teaching her a few things and letting her try some spells with his wand behind my back," Jane rolled her eyes.
"I'm glad that he's there to look after all of you," he said somberly. "You're looking after him too, aren't you?"
He worried for his friend, especially during the full moon. Jane nodded.
"They've created something for werewolves a couple years ago," Jane said. "A potion using Wolfsbane, it's not a cure, but it helps. Let's him keep his mind during the night. Now he can just sleep during the full moon. I have it made for him every month. I'd make it myself, but I want to make sure the potion's perfect. It's a very complex potion. And I may be good at potions but, well, there are better potionmasters than me."
"Good." Sirius said, "that's good. Although I'm surprised Moony's pride lets you help."
"I told him I was paying him for practically being the children's full time nanny." Jane said with a shrug. "It was either hire him or hire someone else anyways. Of course finding a job as a werewolf isn't easy. He still does try and find the odd one here and there. But at least this way when I try to help out with money and buying the potion he doesn't have to feel it's for nothing or that he's a burden. Which he could never be but you know how he is. All of you Marauders with your wretched pride."
They talked together for a few more minutes. Really visiting now. Jane lifted the Muffliato charm, seeing that there was no harm in the others hearing them talk now. Both were as relaxed as they could be in the prison. They sat on the floor side by side and Jane told him all about the twins and answered all his questions about Jazlyn. She told him about Harry and the Dursley's, which he was upset about at first but Jane assured him he was now permanently with her. She talked about Avalon and Sarah. And also about Remus and Mary helping when they could.
A cane banged on the cell and they both jumped. They quickly turned to see moody glaring at them and Emmeline standing behind them with an apologetic look.
"Times up, Black," Moody said. "You've had a good few hours. You're lucky Vance is too soft."
"Held him off as long I could," Emmeline shrugged.
"Thank you," Jane said graciously. "Just give me 5 more minutes."
"You've had enough time," Moody growled.
"Oh come on Mad-Eye," Emmeline said. "We didn't even give them a warning."
"Life doesn't give you warnings," Moody growled.
"I'll stay with them this time," she cast a look over at Jane as if daring her to send her away again. Jane just gave her a nod in response. "See it'll be fine and we'll meet you at the end of the hall."
"You're too soft to be a hit-wizard." He grumbled and stomped away. Emmeline stood guarding the door tactfully facing away from Jane and Sirius.
Sirius stood and helped Jane to her feet.
"There's one more thing I should probably tell you before I go." Jane whispered. "The children don't know what I'm doing."
Sirius cocked his head in confusion.
"They have no idea that I'm here seeing you." She elaborated. "Or that I've been trying to figure out if you were innocent and get you a trial… so right now they think what the rest of the world thinks."
Sirius' eyes widened in understanding. And his heart ached. His own children thought he was a monster.
"Jazlyn took it hard. I had to tell her that morning."
Jane started rambling quickly. "She kept screaming and demanding to see you. And obviously I couldn't take her to see you. I barely understood what happened so I told her what I could. Of course when she was older she would always ask where you were still obviously too young to remember and I had to tell her. And I couldn't figure out how to explain what I was doing or what I suspected without getting her hopes. If I had come today and found out you really were… well you know… she would've just been crushed again. The boys asked too of course but well… they hadn't made the same connection with you that Jazzy did… but they were still upset about it but… they're still young and don't understand. They all are. But Jazzy…she was absolutely devastated. And I think she's still taking it hard…a bit angry about it now...and she's still young, I didn't know how to tell her that there was a possibility… it would be confusing… and..."
"Jane!" Sirius interrupted. "You're rambling."
"I'm sorry." She said. Sirius could tell she was apologizing for more than just rambling.
"No. I'm sorry." Sirius said. "I put you in that position. I think you did the right thing. This is too complex for a child. And maybe it's best not tell her or the rest of them unless you get a trial. It'll only upset her or confuse them otherwise. It's for the best."
Jane bit her lip. Perhaps he was right. Most of the children would probably take it in stride if she was honest, they'd be confused but understanding. Jazlyn on the other hand well, her reaction would be unpredictable.
"Jane," Emmeline called.
"I'm coming." Jane said and started turning towards the door. Sirius stopped her and held out the cloak and the album.
"Keep them. If you'd like," Jane said. "I… I probably won't be able to come by again… for awhile at least… and you could use a cloak, it's cold."
Sirius understood what she was trying to say. She wanted him to keep them to help him remember that she really had come.
"What about you, it's too cold for you to go out like this." Sirius said. Sure The dementors made Azkaban extremely cold but he was used to it at this point. And even if Jane wasn't going to be here for much longer it was still a cold autumn day.
"I'm a witch, aren't I?" Jane said with a wink and a twirl of her wand. She gave him one last hug and stepped through the door. Emmeline closed and locked the cell again.
"I'll get you out, Sirius," Jane said. "I promise."
"I'll wait." He casually slipped his arms through the bars again.
"Fair warning, Black." Emmeline said. "Dementors will be coming over here as soon as we're gone."
"I'd expect nothing less," he said with a nod of appreciation and acknowledgement.
"You're lucky she still has some kind of trust in you," Emmeline squinted at him.
"Ok Em," Jane said. "That's enough."
Jane tugged Emmeline away from chewing him out.
"Goodbye, Sirius," Jane said. She tried not to say it with any sort of finality. She'd get him out. Find a way to prove that it wasn't him.
They had only gone a few feet when Sirius's voice stopped them.
"Jane," he called out hesitantly. She turned back around and raised an eyebrow at him.
Sirius looked nervous and haunted again. Like he was already starting to wonder if she had been real. If she had actually been there. Jane saw him mutter but couldn't quite hear him. She let go of Emmeline and started back over.
"Do you still love me?" He asked barely loud enough for her to hear a few feet away. Part of him knew that she wouldn't have come to see him if she didn't. And maybe it was selfish of him, but it'd been 9 years since he last heard someone say it.
"Oh Sirius!" Jane cried and rushed back to him. She placed her hands on his face and pulled him in for a kiss through the bars. "I do still love you!"
"Even after all this time?" He whispered.
"Always."
An:
Sorry for the delayed update. It's s getting close to midterms and my professors all decide to have projects due at the same time.
