September is Pediatric Cancer Awareness Month! Naturally, I will be kicking it off by posting a relevant Gravesen Guardians chapter, and I will try to post a few more throughout the month. Let me know if there are any other Gravesen cancer parents you want to see this month.

This New Normal:

He stood before the door to his boss's office, more terrified than he'd ever been in his life. Yesterday had been easily the worst of his entire life, but now he faced the inevitability of many more terrible days over the next few months. His boss's reaction to this request would determine just how bad. The last thing they needed was another stressor on top of everything already weighing them down.

"Come in," Mr. Lehigh said gruffly. God, he hoped he wasn't in a bad mood. They had an excellent working relationship after almost a decade, and Mr. Lehigh was generally accommodating, but if he was already frustrated it didn't take much to get him to sink further into grumpiness.

He took a deep breath, squared his shoulders, and marched inside. "Thank you for seeing me," he said politely, taking a seat in the lone chair across from his desk.

Mr. Lehigh smiled. "No problem. What's up?"

Saying the words out loud still hurt. His chest locked up at the mere thought of uttering them, confirming the horrific truth that had yet to sink in. Mr. Lehigh's smile fell into a concerned frown. "Sorry, it's just really hard," he said shakily.

"Take your time."

"Thank you. I…my son was just diagnosed with cancer." There it was. Out there. He clamped his jaw shut and forcibly swallowed to staunch the tears that threatened to flow. He wasn't here for pity, and breaking down certainly wouldn't help his case.

"I'm so sorry to hear that," Mr. Lehigh said genuinely.

"Thank you. It was…a big shock to say the least."

"I can imagine."

"Yeah. So, I just wanted to ask…" he trailed off, unsure if he was asking too much.

"If you'll still have a job when you get back?"

"What? No."

"Oh. I'm sorry. I thought you were asking for leave. I shouldn't have assumed."

"It's alright. I'm not asking for leave, so much as…lenience?" He still wasn't sure exactly what he would need from Mr. Lehigh in the coming months. Of course, he still had to work to support the three of them, but he knew he'd be needed for much more on the home front than usual. He continued, "I will keep working, but I can't promise my usual level of consistency. We still don't know exactly what our lives are going to look like, but I will probably have to leave early or come in late some days. It all depends on what they need from me."

"I understand. You've shown your dedication to this company for over a decade and I'm not going to fault you for something completely out of your control."

"Thank you so much." The words burst from his mouth in a rush of gratitude. At least he still had security in this one thing when the rest of his life now consisted of no certainties except misery.

"You're welcome. I wish you all the best, and if you ever need anything, don't hesitate to ask."

"Thank you, Mr. Lehigh."

They shook hands, and he returned to his office with a noticeable hunk of the weight lifted off his shoulders. All that remained was the crushing mass of worries about Bucky and Winnie and the terrifying journey these next nine months would present. He sat down at his desk and shook his head to clear it. There needed to be one place where he didn't focus on cancer, and it might as well be here.

It only took an hour for him to realize the impossibility of that division. As hard as he tried to focus on work, his thoughts wandered constantly. He kept glancing to his phone, waiting for an update he didn't even know was coming. They hadn't worked out an official system yet, but he assumed she'd inform him of anything she thought he needed to know. He considered texting her to ask how things were going, but that would only distract him. Not that he wasn't already hopelessly distracted.

It's only day one. He reminded himself of this fact repeatedly. With time, he'd find the right balance. He'd figure this whole cancer parent thing out.

~0~

That first night after chemo started was easily the worst night of George's life. When they were younger, he used to take Bucky to visit Steve in the hospital on occasion, and he always thanked his lucky stars that it wasn't his son in that bed. Now it was. He'd never seen Bucky so sick. The last time he had a stomach bug, he'd been maybe nine or ten years old. He'd thrown up only three or four times over the two days the illness lasted. No big deal. But this…this was forceful, and it was nearly constant. George wished he could slap on a pair of noise-cancelling headphones to block out the awful sound of retching.

"Is there anything we can do to stop this?" Winnie asked desperately to the first nurse to visit that night, after Bucky threw up so hard it hurt his shoulder enough to bring him to tears.

"For his next round, we'll be sure give him more Zofran in front of the chemo. That might help curb the nausea more."

"That won't help him now," George said. "Can't you give him more now?"

"I'm afraid not."

Bucky said nothing, just continued to cry silently into his pillow. George didn't know if he was even still awake. The nurse checked his vitals anyway, handed them more of the blue emesis bags, and left. "Bucky?" Winnifred asked hesitantly. "How're you doing?"

A groan was all the response he offered.

George took a lap. He had no idea how they were supposed to get through seventeen rounds of this. Not even one under their belts, and he was already at his breaking point. When he got back to the hospital room, Bucky lay curled up on his right side with both arms wrapped around his stomach, face scrunched up in discomfort as more silent tears streaked his face. Winnifred sat behind him with a hand rubbing the back of his neck, the only comfort she could offer. George collapsed in his chair and rested his head on his hand.

He must've dozed off, because he jolted awake suddenly to the sound of retching. "I thought it was over," Bucky whimpered between heaves. "I don't want to do this ag—" he was cut off by another round of gagging.

"I know," Winnifred soothed. "It'll be over soon."

George checked his watch. Shit, he needed to be at work in less than an hour. He didn't want to leave, but at the same time he didn't want to subject himself to any more of this. The vicarious suffering crumbled him to bits. "Buckaroo, do you want me to stay here? Say the word and I'll call into work."

"S'fine. You can go."

"Are you sure?"

"Mm-hm."

George kissed Winnie goodbye before dashing out of the hospital to their car. He ran home first to change clothes and brush his teeth, the smell of vomit still lingering in his nostrils, and made it to work with five minutes to spare. After the night he had, exhaustion made it difficult to focus. Forty minutes before his lunch break, a hand punched his desk a few times. George felt the vibrations and woke up from where he'd fallen asleep against the surface. He looked up into his boss's face, terrified. Never before had he fallen asleep on the job.

"There's a sofa in my office. Take an hour or two," Mr. Lehigh said instead. "I imagine it's more comfortable than your desk."

"Thank you, sir."

~0~

George was always more productive in the mornings. He'd been cruising through paperwork for two hours when he got a phone call from Winnie. She never called him at work unless it was an emergency. He picked up the phone fearing the worst.

"George, I'm on my way to Gravesen with Bucky," Winnie explained. "He's got a pretty high fever."

Shit. Bucky's last ANC counts had been barely high enough to release him from the hospital. A fever with an immune system that damaged could spell disaster. He could tell by the tone of Winnie's voice that she was freaking out, and knew he needed to offer support. "Do I need to meet you there?" he asked.

"I think I'm gonna need you," she said, voice cracking. She couldn't stand watching Bucky suffer, and doing it alone was always worse.

George got up from his desk and headed for Mr. Lehigh's office to check out. "Okay, okay. I'm on my way. Don't worry, everything's going to be fine. Is he awake?"

"Yeah." That was Bucky's voice, strained and exhausted.

"How are you feeling?"

"Not great." If he felt anything like he sounded, that was an understatement.

"George, he's listless," Winnie said, the first obvious hints of panic in her voice.

"Relax, you're going exactly where you need to be. I'll be there in half an hour or so."

"Okay. See you soon."

"I love you both."

"Love you too," she replied. He heard Bucky groan in discomfort before Winnie hung up the phone. George knocked on Mr. Lehigh's door.

"Come in."

"Bucky spiked a fever," George explained, out of breath from the speed at which he walked here. "My wife's taking him to the hospital and she needs me there. I'm really sorry, but I need to go be there for them."

"Of course, of course. Go ahead."

When this whole shitshow was over, George was going to work unpaid overtime for months to make it up to this man. "Thank you so much, sir."

"Tell Bucky and Winnie I send my best."

"Will do."

George dashed downstairs and out the door to the nearest subway station. He told Winnie he'd be there in half an hour, and hopefully there wouldn't be any delays. The whole way to Gravesen, he kept wondering what was happening to Bucky at that moment. Their last trip to the ER had traumatized him, and George wanted to cry knowing he had to go through it all again. He practically ran from the station to Gravesen. George gave Bucky's name to the person at the desk and he was given directions to a room.

"I made it," he announced as he walked in. Bucky didn't even open his eyes. He leaned against the raised bed, his entire bald head coated in a sheen of sweat and his cheeks flushed bright red. An emesis bag was clutched in his hand.

Winnie immediately wrapped him in a hug. "I'm so glad you're here."

Bucky's eyes sprang open. George recognized the familiar look mere seconds before he started vomiting. How sad was that, he considered his son's "I'm about to throw up" face a familiar one. Winnie coaxed him through it, rubbing circles on his upper back. The bout seemingly lasted forever. By the time it stopped, the hospital staff informed them they'd be admitting Bucky, and moved him to the pediatric res ward. He vomited once again after getting settled in the new room, but at that point there was nothing left to come up. Nurses hooked him up to fluids and antibiotics to combat the dehydration and infection, and ever so gradually the color returned to his skin and the flush receded. Watching him finally slip into sleep was a huge relief.

"George," Winnie choked out.

"What's the matter, sweetheart?"

"I tried so hard to keep him safe from germs, but look where we are! I failed."

"You did not fail. These things just happen sometimes."

"I'm his mother, I'm supposed to keep him safe and healthy." She started crying. George wrapped his arms around her and let her head fall to his shoulder.

"You haven't failed at anything," he assured. "This is just a little infection. The antibiotics will clear it up soon and he'll be back to complaining about your hovering."

"I just…I just feel like this is never gonna end. He's spent more time here than at home the past few months. I just want my son back."

George tightened his grip as she sagged even deeper into his chest. "He's not going anywhere, Winnie. He's right here, and we'll be home before you know it. This is just another hiccup."

She sniffled. "I miss our old life."

"Me too." Their old life consisted of long days outside in the heat during soccer season. George used to only talk to Bucky during dinnertime because it was the only time of day he wasn't busy with homework. He used to wish he could spend more time with his son, take advantage of these last years before he moved out. This was not how he wanted that wish to be granted. His new normal was helping his fifteen-year-old son go to the bathroom because he was too dizzy and weak to make it there on his own. George would give anything to go back to the way things were before. Even this many months into the battle, he still failed to recognize this new normal as normal.