Snow was falling. It so rarely snowed in the Shire and Estella wanted to be able to enjoy the whimsical flakes falling and sticking fast to everything on the ground but found she could not. She and Rosamunda sat, quiet as mice together in the kitchen, mother with an almost uncontainable excitement, daughter with a stillness one would not have expected of a girl in her situation, for Merry had come calling but had asked to see Fred.
There was no secret in his purpose, and he had made his intent known to Estella just after his father's funeral. Rosamunda had been teeming with emotions of all sorts waiting for the day to arrive. She had gotten Estella up early and put her in her finest dress, the one she had made for the Feast of Remembrance in November. She'd made Estella sit while she tried (and failed) to smooth the frizz out of her curls. She'd even attempted to get Estella to wear some rouge on her cheeks, but here Estella had put her foot down.
"He knows what I look like, Mam," she insisted.
Everyone knew that Merry speaking with Fred was but a formality. In fact, Estella had requested that he not do it. She had already made it clear Fred was not her father and could not actually stop her from wedding Merry if she chose to do so. And yet, Merry had insisted it was the right and honorable thing to do, especially since he had broken Fred's trust by continuing to pursue Estella when he had given his word he would not.
Both Rosamunda and Estella now strained to hear the voices from the parlor but were unable to catch more than a word or two. It was not the enthusiastic and quick acceptance that Rosamunda had hoped for, certainly. Estella was not sure what she had been expecting or wanting. Perhaps she wished she had given Merry a firm answer the first time he had asked her. If she had, she may not be in this situation now.
Estella had purposed to say yes when he asked for her hand, but she had not expected such a proposal to come while lying in bed with him as she had done. Heat creeped up her cheeks even at the memory. Why had she done something so improper and so bold? She had given herself the excuse that she'd been comforting him while he was grieving, and it was true, but even then, it was most unladylike. She thought if Esme ever found out, the favor she had garnered would disappear in a flash.
Esme cared for her now, Estella knew, perhaps more than Estella deserved. She could hear the Mistress's voice in her head now, as she sat waiting for Merry to ask Fred's approval for her hand in marriage.
"He loves you, Estella," Esme had said. "I've never seen him so in love before. He's told me about your agreement. Love is not something required for a happy marriage and producing an heir, and Merry will need to take a wife. You will not find I have any objections no matter what you decide to do, but he will ask soon."
Estella said nothing, but she suspected a response was not expected or desired. She'd thought of little else since returning home from Brandy Hall. She thought it was too soon. Merry must be feeling rushed. If Esme had been so direct with Estella about it, she was certain Merry was being pressed more obviously and more often. What if Merry was feeling more hurried into this decision than he wanted to be? Saradoc Brandybuck had been buried only one week ago, after all. Was Merry in his right mind enough, had he fought through the cloud of grief enough to make a choice like this?
Quite suddenly, perhaps it was not, but it seemed so to Estella, she heard Fred call for her, and her mother was walking her quickly toward the parlor. Merry and Fred were both smiling, though Merry's seemed more genuine than Fred's, she noted, and the two were shaking hands as she entered. Her stomach turned over on itself then and uncertainty flooded her.
"I suspect you'd have married her no matter what I said, so I may as well make peace with it," Fred said, his arm coming around Estella's shoulders. He kissed her head affectionately. "You could worse for yourself than him, I suppose, Stelly."
Estella spoke before she thought, "I don't like you talking as though it's already been decided. He's not even asked me," she hoped her cheeks weren't flushing with the lie. "And I haven't accepted an offer yet." That at least, was true.
Fred looked at her with incredulity, but Merry's face showed understanding. "Well, Fatty, if you've no objections, I'll take Estella for a walk now. And if she has no objections," he added, looking at her pointedly.
"She hasn't," Estella said, but she knew her voice was cold.
"In this weather?" Rosamunda cried out, appalled and dismayed she may miss the opportunity to witness Merry giving her only daughter an offer of marriage. She was unaware, of course, that her presence was exactly why Merry had offered Estella escape in the form of a walk, in spite of the heavy snowfall. There was very little privacy in the small house, and with the possibility of a proposal, Rosamunda was very unlikely to leave them alone to talk. She continued to fuss while scarves and cloaks were donned and even as the pair walked out the door, she made her displeasure known.
Estella sighed once the front door was closed and took Merry's arm as they started off.
"You do not have to accept any offer from me," he told her. "I would never force that on you. And Fatty wouldn't have it if I tried.
"I know that."
"Then what is troubling you, Stella?"
"It is too soon for this. Your father has only just died, Merry. You are not in a place to be making this choice. How can you when you haven't finished mourning your Da?"
"Is that a mourning you ever finish?" he asked her. She did not answer. She did not know. She was certainly not through mourning her own father. "I have been decided for months now, you know that. I would agree with you otherwise, but I told you I could marry you back in October and I meant it. If I could have done it then I am certainly in no worse place to be doing it now. What has changed is that my mother will not be content to wait endless months. I agreed to ask you, and if you will not accept, there will be a marriage arranged for me." Estella was surprised at how viscerally she reacted to this news. The thought of him marrying someone else twisted her stomach and made her heart clench in her chest."I do not tell you this to pressure you. It is not a threat. But it is the truth of things. There's been an understanding with the Banks family for years, you see. Lily is a fine lass but..."
"I know she is," interrupted Estella harshly. She paused, biting her lip hard. "I do not want you to marry her."
"Then you marry me. We would both be much happier with that arrangement."
"Do not tell me how I would feel, Merry."
He gave a frustrated sigh. "Don't act like this has come out of the blue. Estella, you know this is what our courtship was headed towards. If you've had a change of mind it will be best for us to go our separate ways."
"That's not what I want."
"Well, what do you want then?"
What did she want? She wished she could answer. Did she want him? Not in the way that he wanted her, she knew. She liked him, he had become her dearest friend, but still she did not love him. And yet the thought of him being married to someone else… she would not be able to keep him as her friend if that happened, she knew. It would not matter what Esme thought; it would not matter if Fred gave all his blessing. His new bride would not tolerate such a friendship, nor should she. "I don't want to lose what we have," she admitted.
"You don't have to."
"I'm not fit to be Mistress of Buckland!" she cried.
He stopped walking then, taking her hand in his. She looked up at him, the vapor of his warm breath visible in the cold air. "What did Ma say to you?"
"She hasn't said anything, truly. But I am not like her, Merry. I am no good at… at caring so much and yet so little about what other people think. I don't care enough to enforce all these traditions the way she does. I know she would keep the title for now, till she dies, but I am not sure if that is a responsibility I want or am ready for."
"There are many ways to be Mistress of Buckland. Your way does not have to be hers. But for what it's worth, I think you'll do wonderfully, when the time comes."
Estella felt herself searching for another excuse and hated that she was. Why was she searching for reasons to tell him no? "I do not love you," she said at last, upset with herself and her inability to reason out what she felt better.
Merry nodded, tucking her arm back in his and starting off once again. "So you have said. Ma told me, and I know she's told you too, that love is not something required to make a good marriage. You were my friend before this, Stella, and I think it is not lack of love that makes a miserable marriage but lack of friendship. We could quite happily build a life together with only that. I will give you as many children as you want. I will provide for you all of your life. I won't ever stop trying to win your heart, but I will not ever stop being your friend either."
Some of the tension left Estella's shoulders as he spoke. That, at least, was quite reassuring to hear. "It feels soon," she said at last. "We've only been courting since October."
Merry sighed. "I understand. If I could give you more time, I would do it. But time is a luxury we no longer have."
"How long?" she asked.
Merry pressed his lips together. "Ma would like to see me married by spring."
Estella's eyes grew wide. "Spring? But it's already nearly February! The first day of spring is only weeks away."
He nodded. "If this is not what you want, Estella, you know I will walk away."
Estella averted her eyes. She looked toward the bare trees, up at the gray sky, anywhere but at him. Her toes were growing cold. She liked to look at the snow. She did not like it on her skin. "I do not want that." A realization came upon her suddenly as they walked together, and now she did look up at him, snow sticking in his hair, his cheeks ruddy with cold. "You know, I may even feel more for you than only friendship."
"Do you?" he wondered, the hope in his voice unmistakable.
She looked down at her feet, treading through the light covering of snow on the ground. "Would I have laid in your bed with you in the night if I did not?"
Merry let out a pleased hum. She looked up at him and he was smiling earnestly now. "It was not that you laid in my bed lass, but the way you kissed me in the early morning hours that would lead one to believe you feel more for me than just friendship." This was mercifully spoken softly. Estella did not see anyone about to overhear, but she could only imagine the scandal that would follow if what they had done became publicly known. No one would believe that there had only been the exchange of kisses. No one would believe that it was done to comfort him through the loss of his father. Had it only been to comfort him? She felt again the hot flush of embarrassment on her cheeks as she recalled it again. Yes, Merry had initiated, but she hadn't stopped him.
"You seemed as though you were about to accept me that day. What's changed?"
Estella shook her head. "I don't know. It only seems like it's being so rushed now, so forced. I suppose I just wish it wasn't happening this way. I wish there was no pressure from your mother, or the rules that say you cannot be Master until you have a wife. I wish… I wish I did not need this. I wish I felt as though I were not a burden to Freddy so I could choose this on my own."
"As long as we are listing out our wishes: I wish you loved me," he said.
"I do, in my way. It is not a romantic love, but it is love all the same."
"That's not the only kind of love I want from you, and you know it."
"I cannot make my heart feel things just because you wish it to, Merry."
Once again, Merry stopped walking. He framed her face with his hands, gently stroking her cheeks with his thumbs. "I wish it were different too, Stella. Do you think this is how I wanted things? Do you think I want to be here, a week after my Da's died, fighting with the lass I love, trying everything to convince her to marry me? No! I wish my Da were still here so I could give you time. I wish you'd accept my offer simply because it was me that was asking, not because of anything else I can give you. But this is the situation we have found ourselves in. This is our lot. You know I want to marry you. You know I love you. And I believe you will grow to love me." He took hold of both her hands in his and kissed her knuckles. "Marry me, Estella. Be my wife. Mother my children. I know that's what you want more than anything, to have children. Let me give that to you. Let me love you."
Estella bit her bottom lip and met his eyes at last. She did want children, and there was certainly no one else lined up to give her that. She would not do better for a husband than Merry. And though she was not in love with him, the thought of him not being a part of her life any longer was one she found very displeasing. The thought of facing parenthood with anyone else was wholly unappealing. The thought of going through the rest of her life without the hobbit who had become her best friend was not something she wanted to dwell on. So she did not. Instead, she recalled what Diamond had said to her during Yuletide, and the resolve she had felt then, the certainty that it would be the right thing to do. She thought of what he had just said, about the ways he wished things were different, about how their friendship could give them the foundation needed for a happy marriage.
"I will," she said softly. As she did, she felt a weight lift from her shoulders. At least now, there was no more uncertainty of what was to come. A choice had been made between the two of them, the first of many they would make together. A first step on a life-long journey had been taken. Chapped lips met for only half a moment before Merry could contain his joy no longer and laughed, the sound seeming to carry further through the softly falling snow. Estella could not help herself and joined in his laughter.
"We should go tell Mam," she said. "I'm sure she's absolutely beside herself since we left. And my feet are cold!"
"Well, we can't have that now, can we?"
"Oh! I've never heard of anything more splendid!" Rosamunda cried when they returned and shared their news. "My little girl all set to become Mistress of Buckland! When do you think the wedding will be, my dear? Oh, I hope you'll leave me enough time to make you a proper dress!" When the quickly approaching date was given, Rosamunda began to despair of ever having a suitable gown ready, but Estella's quiet assurances that she would do all she could to assist calmed her enough to allow for other topics of conversation eventually. Estella then let Merry and Rosamunda talk while she came to Fred.
"Well, Esme's given us a deadline. I do hope you're not still displeased about it, Freddy."
He smiled and brought her into a warm embrace, which she returned wholeheartedly. "I can't say I'm over the moon about it, but I know he'll take care of you. He'll be able to do a far better job than I have, that's for certain."
Now Estella smiled. "Nonsense! And no tears! I'll not have a bit of that. If you must cry save it for the wedding day."
Fred smiled and laughed with her and the twosome made their way to Merry and Rosamunda together. "I just want you to be happy, Estella."
"I will be," she told him, and at last, she herself was convinced of it. She came to Merry's side and let him place his arm around her shoulders. "So long as he gives me children. That's the only reason I've agreed to marry him, after all," she teased.
"Estella!" Rosamunda scolded, shocked at her daughter's impoliteness. "You ought not to talk to him that way!"
"Ah, Mrs. Bolger," interjected Merry. "I'm well aware of what I'm getting myself into with Estella. You needn't worry about her running me off."
"No, she is right," said Estella, her tone jovial. "I should not say I'm only marrying you so I can have children when I'm marrying you for your money as well!"
He shook his head and laughed, while Rosamunda gasped in horror once again. Estella leaned into him some more, thankful, excited, nervous, all in the same moment. But one thing did take its place at the front of her mind, and she couldn't deny it brought her great joy. I am going to be able to have children! I'm going to be able to have my own children! Merry's children!
