The golden sand stretched out in both directions with barely another person in site. Walking down to one end of the beach, we tucked ourselves in the shade of the overhanging cliff, settling in for a few hours. This was one of my favourite places in the world, peaceful warm waters and clear aqua seas, one of the places in New Zealand I'd most wanted to show him, memories spent here in my childhood dotted around every corner.

"Are you coming," I asked Tae as he leaned back, sunscreen covering his face, hat firmly in place to protect his skin.

"In a minute, I'm just going to sit here for a little bit and breathe it all in," he answered and I smiled, pressing a kiss to his cheek as I grabbed Sophia's hand, running towards the shallows. I understood, there was something about the air here that seemed to make everything calm.

We jumped waves for a few minutes before settling onto the sand to build sandcastles. Sophia had become tanned with all the sun, freckles dotting her face in the same places I had them. She'd be four soon, the stumbling toddler being replaced by a much more confident little girl. This trip, these weeks playing with her would always be treasured.

I glanced back at Tae to see he was snapping photos. Not an unusual thing, he was filling his phone constantly with memories, sending his favourites through to me and his members. It made me happy that he was enjoying our time so much that he wanted to capture as much of it as he could.

He stood up and dusted himself off, walking towards us. "Is it a castle," he asked, crouching next to us.

"No TaeTae, it's a house."

"Oh, it's great," he answered. "And what is that," he continued.

"Who is that," I quickly whispered and he corrected himself, shooting me a small grin. It really did look like a blob.

"Oh, I mean who is that?"

"That's mama, that's Sophia, that's TaeTae. We're all together."

"I love it," Tae replied, scooping up a small bit of sand and shaping it.

"Who is that," Sophia asked.

"We have to have Yeontan too, don't we?"

She nodded solemnly. "I love Tannie."

"Me too BugBug," he answered, wiping sand off her cheek, a losing battle as I knew more would be added in only a few moments as she played but thankful he was always so caring and attentive to her.

"I took some photos," he said, holding out his phone.

"I saw jagi," reaching for it and scrolling. He always took beautiful, artistic photos, somehow truthfully capturing what was happening around him. This time he'd focused mainly on Sophia and I playing in the sand together. "Oh, I love them Tae."

"I was thinking, if you're OK with it, I'd like to post them." His voice was low and soft and my head pivoted to look at him, hearing the meaning in his words.

"Like post them for everyone to see?" My heart rate increased at the thought. Was he meaning he wanted us to go public?

"You can choose which ones, I won't post your faces but I want everyone to know that it's you my heart belongs to."

I exhaled at his words, caught off guard that the moment had arrived, knowing it was huge for him, for us both. "If you're ready, if you think you want to?"

"Are you OK with it aein," he asked, reaching for my hand.

"You know best to do with social media, it's all still new to me. Sophia and I will be safe still?"

"No names, no faces, just my happiness in being with you," he answered. "You'll be safe."

"OK, then, I want the world to know you're happy too," I said, feeling a little light headed. We'd spent quite a few stressful times doing damage control and now he wanted everyone to know. "I trust whatever you decide to post oppa."

He nodded, smiling before scrolling through the photos, deciding which ones to post. Once he'd decided, typed his message, loaded the photos and clicked send, he turned to me and raised his eyebrows. "Shall we disappear now?"

"What do you mean," I asked, still thinking about what would happen next. ARMY would be happy for him, real ones anyway but I could almost hear the sound of hearts breaking, especially reading what was often said about him online. Millions were in love with him, who'd blame them.

"I've told the company, I don't really want to read what people have to say about it, shall we switch off our phones and go somewhere for a few days?"

"There is that walk we talked about, the one you can camp while doing? The whole thing is 4 days or maybe longer with Sophia but you can walk just part of it. There would be no reception there either."

"OK then, lets plan to do that starting later today. Now, I just want to spend time here with you both and forget everything else."

"I have a book I want to read, it sounds bliss Tae."

"OK then beautiful, lets do it," and he reached for more sand, creating other creatures to go with Sophia's house.

I was nervous about any fall out but here, in this place, we could shut the world out and just be in our bubble and I was planning on enjoying it.

We'd managed one night camping on the hike before realising that tents, sleeping bags and carrying things while walking with a small person wasn't how we wanted to spend our time together especially when we had barely any sleep. The beaches and our private, bug free campervan called to us.

"The walk is beautiful though," Tae said as we started the last hour of our journey out of the National Park, glancing along the path at the beaches and sea that was visible most of the trip.

"It is, I like that there are lots of trees overhead so it's not so hot."

Sophia was skipping a little ahead of us, having a carefree moment after a huge meltdown earlier when she wanted to be carried then walk then carried. Meanwhile, Tae had ended up carrying her, his backpack and some of the sleeping gear while I carried everything else so having her walking now was a relief to us both.

As we rounded the corner, Tae stopped letting out a huge exclamation. "This is so beautiful, it makes me think of Middle Earth."

I looked around, a tunnel of trees above us as their branches linked together, giving us shelter. "It does have a Lord of the Rings quality about it. Kind of feels like we're walking on ancient ground."

"Ancient?"

"Like very old, old times. This is what the world might have looked like before people."

We breathed the air for a moment before walking again so we didn't lose sight of Sophia. "I might not like tents and bugs Marley but I love you, every moment we can add to our times together. Now let's keep going, my back is hurting me," he grumbled with a half smile and I knew he was mostly joking, reaching for his hand as we walked together.

"No more tramping then?" I already knew he answer.

"If you want to," he answered, words coming out conflicted and hesitant.

"I really don't, not ones where we have to walk for hours anyway. There are other things I'd much rather do to stay fit," and his hand gripped mine as I spoke, smiling at my smirk.

"Like what," he asked, innocent expression on his face even though he was far from innocent.

"Like yoga, planking, swimming," I replied, laughing as he rolled his eyes.

"Swimming, shall we do that when we leave here? I am feeling hot and a swim would be nice."

"There's a river near here, that would make a nice change from the sand in everything," I answered. Sophia somehow managed to bring sand into the campervan constantly and it wasn't the easiest thing to clean away when it seemed to get into everything.

"Sounds good," Tae answered, calling to Sophia to wait as she zipped ahead but we both had an extra burst of energy at the thought of cooling down after walk, Tae skipping ahead before looking back at you, cutely turning his head and holding out his hand. "Coming babe?"

And I grimaced before grinning at him. The walk might be a little tough but he made everything easier just by being himself.


We all took off our shoes, to paddle in the river before deciding whether to get fully in. It was cooler than we were expecting and although the walk had been hot, I wasn't sure I was ready to dip into water this cold.

Sophia had taken off her shoes handing them to Tae, taking a step into the water with a little shriek and giggle as she held onto his hand. I was still taking off my sandals when he leaned back to put her shoes on the rocks at the river edge and as he turned back she yanked her hand free, sinking into the water where it suddenly went deep. It happened in a split second, her head going under.

Tae ran in after her, sending water splashing everywhere as the water carried her a little way out, arms and legs going as she spluttered a little before he reached her, pulling her into his arms as she started to cry. He waded straight out of the water where she fell into my arms, wiping her face and coughing a little, tears pouring down her face, mixing with the water.

"Did you have a big adventure baby," I asked, holding her close and stroking her to calm her down as she continued to cry and whimper. I was a little shocked but it had all been over in only about 10 seconds and she seemed alright although all of us were shaking.

Tae was doubled over, panting heavily, hands resting on his thighs and he looked over at the two of us, breathing erratic from the rush of everything.

"She's OK," I mouthed over her tears and he just stared at me, looking stricken.

"You're going to be fine Sophia Bug," I said, resting my lips against her head, swaying a little as I rubbed her back and eventually her cries subsided into hiccups that slowly eased off as she leaned against me. I watched Tae as I cuddled her, his hair hanging messily from the water, his face anxious.

"The water was cold and big," she said, lips still quivering.

"I know that was a little scary Sophia, we need to remember to always have someone with us when we go in the water. You need to have your floaty on and hold onto our hands."

She nodded and cuddled in as Tae went a little bit away from us, finding a spot in the sun to dry himself off, shivering a little as he did. I knew it was more than that though, he was wanting to take a moment to himself.

Drying Sophia off, I focused on all the things around us to try to make Sophia happy again. "Do you want to build a house out of the rocks Bug?"

She nodded, leaning out of my arms, ready to go play again. But I watched as she kept well away from the waters edge, sitting and stacking rocks into piles. Rubbing my hands against my thighs, feeling a little chilled from the water Sophia had left on me, I walked over to the sunshine, sinking down next to Tae, quietly keeping an eye on her as she played.

"I let go of her hand," he said, finally speaking, holding his legs, head sunk low.

"She let go of your hand Tae," I answered softly, reading his distress.

"I'm stronger, she shouldn't have been able to free herself."

"She surprised us and she's honestly OK Tae, I know it's a shock though."

He nodded, keeping his head low and we sat in silence for a few more minutes before I spoke again.

"Do you know, when Sophia was a baby, one night she wouldn't stop crying. I tried feeding her, changed her nappy, rocked her for ages and she just wouldn't stop. Finally I decided to give her a bath because that usually calmed her down. And that's when I saw a cotton had come lose on her sleepsuit and was wrapped around her toe. I felt like the worst parent ever. Things happen even when we're right there jagiya, it's OK."

He looked at me, eyes slightly red, clearly still upset. "If anything had happened to her," his voice fading away.

"It didn't but Tae, she'll fall even when we're with her, some boy will break her heart one day and we can't stop it from happening. We can only do our best."

"I don't want her to be hurt," he said, letting his eyes close as he took some deep breaths.

"Welcome to parenting," I said, wrapping him in my arms as he leaned against me.

"I'm sorry Marley, I let you down," he whispered into my neck.

"No Tae, you got to her in time and she's fine."

He was quiet then, thinking and I let him as we sat quietly together, watching as Sophia built a rock garden on the river banks. "She really means so much to me," he said quietly and I kissed him, taking his cheeks in my hands, pressing our lips together and holding him close.

"I love you," I said clearly, precisely, so he'd read it in my eyes, my touch, my words. "Sophia loves you."

And he kissed me back, letting go of his worries for the moment, accepting that life could be out of your control.


Later that night, Sophia picked Tae to read to her at bedtime and as he tucked her in, she threw her arms around his neck, planting a huge kiss on his cheek.

"She doesn't blame me for it," he said, sounding surprised, still carrying some of the guilt of what had happened. We were tucked up in bed now, Sophia long asleep. Tae had sat by her bedside for ages as she began to nod off, lightly stroking her hair and forehead while he looked down at her.

"She's only three Tae, she won't hold onto things like that and worry like you do."

"She's almost four."

"Oh, that's so true, I can't believe that's soon and that you're here for it. My baby is growing up."

"I ordered something for her, it's being delivered to your parents house."

"Did you spoil her?" I looked at him, knowing the answer already.

He just shrugged, kissing my shoulder where he rested his face against me. "Of course, she's one of my favourite females."

"Your Eomma is pretty important to you," I said, smiling at him.

"Yes that's it, Eomma and Sophia, my favourites." He nuzzled his nose against me, breath warming my body and I sighed.

"Are you OK," he asked, pausing as his mouth moved over my skin.

"Oh, that sigh was because I'm content."

"That means happy right?"

"Yes, like everything is falling into place."

"It fell into place for me a long time ago jagiya," and he continued to slide down my body, mouth trailing kisses as I leaned my head back, arching against his caresses.

"I don't think I'll ever get tired of this," I said as he reached my stomach, hands now resting on my hips as he lifted his head.

"I guess it's my job to make sure you don't," he answered, hovering over me, making my eyes close and I knew, as he began to explore with his tongue, he would always find a way to make it exciting.