Chapter 5: Where does my heart beat now?

When it came time to put her house on the market, touring new homes on Earth and sorting through Vinnie's possessions, there was never a perfect time for her. Some people she knew would have tackled these tasks within a few days, while others needed to wait several months.

So much to believe in - We were lost in time

At first, Charley couldn't bring herself to part with her husband's possessions or anything he had touched, used or made comments about in the past. Then one day, Charley asked Throttle to go and pack up all of his stuff and put it in storage so she could go through it at a later time.

Everything I needed

I feel in your eyes

Always thought of keeping -

Your heart next to mine

But now that seems so far away

Don't know how love could leave

Without a trace

Where do silent hearts go?

Her first step in all of this was to accept the reality of losing Vinnie. This involved her overcoming the natural denial response and realizing that her husband was physically dead. She viewed the body after death, attended the funeral and burial services, and visited the place where his body was laid to rest. It also helped her to spend time openly talking with Throttle about Vinnie and the circumstances surrounding his death. As you grapple with this reality, you are also freer to embrace the consolation of knowing that the spiritual life goes on and that we do not grieve as those who have no hope.

Where does my heart beat now

Where is the sound

That only echoes through the night

Where does my heart beat now

I can't live without

Without feeling it inside

Where do all the lonely hearts go

When Vinnie passed away, Charley tried to bypass the pain by bottling up her emotions or attempting to reject her feelings. Unfortunately, she learned that the only way to overcome her grief was to move with and through it daily as her feelings ebb and flow. She realized that if she avoided grieving completely she might end up suffering from some form of depression or even physical problems. Luckily, she had Throttle there with her for the two of them to fully experience the pain – most often through tears – which provided them with some genuine relief.

Candle in the water - Drifting helplessly

Hiding from the thunder-

Come and rescue me

Driven by hunger -

Of the endless dream

Among other things, Charley realized that she was going to have to change her environment now that her husband was gone. This entailed many responsibilities and social roles that were formerly fulfilled by him. Likewise, she dreaded coming home to an empty house after a long day at the Martian garage. She very quickly gave serious consideration to moving back to Earth to start a new life again with her unborn child. She figured experiencing nature and new music, and maybe some phone calls to close friends would be helpful.

I'm searching for the hand that I can hold

I'm reaching for the arms that let me know

Where do silent hearts go?

She knew that she needed to invest in good emotional energy so that she could have healthy and life-giving relationships. She certainly wasn't interested in rushing into a newfound intense or romantic relationship but, having an openness to connections with people who share her values and interests became more important. She didn't want to come across as disloyal or unfaithful but, she had to find enjoyment in life and form new attachments. She also knew that she needed to remember that her goal was not to forget Vinnie; it was to reach a point where she could remember and honor without being halted in her new life.

I'm searching for the hand that I can hold

I'm reaching for the arms that let me know

Where do silent hearts go?

It took her about a week to decide on whether she wanted to move back to Earth or stay on Mars. She knew, deep in her heart, that she wasn't ready to deal with all of Vinnie's possessions at that moment. So that she could regain some balance in her life, Charley opted to move back to Chicago and temporarily live out of her rig.

Where does my heart beat now

Where is the sound

That only echoes through the night

Where does my heart beat now

I can't live without

Without feeling it inside

Where do all the lonely hearts go

Where do all the lonely hearts go

Big Rig had everything that she and the baby would ever need inside. She had painstakingly designed it to be able to comfortably house herself and the three mouse scouts on any given day. It had a master bedroom and a bunkroom on opposite sides of the trailer. An average size kitchen with smaller appliances due to space issues. Two bathrooms, a living room, and a dining room. She made sure that every area of the trailer had storage space. At the very back of the trailer was where they stored their bikes and toolboxes.

Then one touch overcomes the silence

Love still survives

Two hearts needing one another

Give me wings to fly

As Charley put the last of her items into the trailer, Throttle loaded the last of Vinnie's possessions onto his bike.

"You're sure about this?" he asked as he walked into the trailer where Charley hung the rest of her clothes were hung up.

"Yeah. I just can't stay here. I will be back. It's just that I need to deal with all of this and I can't do that here" she said as she sat down on her full-size bed and gazed up at Throttle.

"You know, Mars won't be the same without you" Throttle commented as he fiddled with a box in his leather biker jacket.

"I know but, it will persevere without me" she sighed as she continued to gaze at Throttle who kept his hands in his pockets and kept his sunglassed gaze on her.

Then one touch overcomes the silence

Love still survives

Two hearts needing one another

Give me wings to fly

"Listen" Throttle softly murmured as he sat down on the bed beside Charley and then grasped both her hands with his.

"What is it?" she asked as she looked at him.

"I don't know what killed Vinnie or even why but, what I do know is that this isn't over. Not by a long shot" he softly spoke, releasing one of her hands and then reaching into his jacket pocket.

"I had a feeling you were going to say that" she mumbled as she watched Throttle pull out a small black box.

"I made this for you. Just in case something happens while you're on Earth" he said as he opened the box with his hand.

"It's beautiful!" Charley exclaimed as she looked at the necklace that was nestled against a black velvet background.

It was a heart-shaped jeweled pendant encased in a beautiful silver angel's wing.

Where does my heart beat now

Where is the sound

That only echoes through the night

Where does my heart beat now

I can't live without

Without feeling it inside

"Only you and I know about this. I don't know who to trust outside of us. When you squeeze the wings against the jewel, it will signal me to let me know if you're in trouble and I'll be able to find you anywhere" he calmly stated as he released her other hand and put the necklace around her neck. The chain was long enough to where the jewel was able to hide under her shirt.

"Thank you" Charley smiled before hugging Throttle. She felt the warmth of his leather cover furry arms wrap around her and they made her feel safe, even if just for a moment.

"Let's get you to the ship before they decide to leave without you" Throttle chuckled as he released Charley and headed over to his bike.

Charley snorted, "They better not even think about leaving without me". She started the rig up and followed Throttle to where her flight back to Earth was parked at.

I've got someone to give my heart to

Feel it getting stronger and stronger

And stronger

And I feel inside

As she backed the massive truck and trailer up and was proceeding to line with the loading dock, she noticed several soldiers talking to Throttle and pointing in her direction.

"What now?" she exclaimed as she parked the tractor and trailer. Putting the truck in neutral and pressing the parking brake, she sighed as she stepped out of the rig, only to be met by several other soldiers.

"What's going on?" She asked as she tossed her red hair over her shoulder and stared at them.

"There seems to be a problem with your plans to leave Mars" Carbine growled as she made her way through the guards.

Charley saw Throttle turn in her direction and was ushered over to the general.

"General, what the hell is going on?" Throttle growled as he looked at his wife who barely glanced in his direction.

Hearts are made to last

Till the end of time

"If she leaves, she'll be breaking the law" Carbine stated with a smirk that made Throttle's blood run ice cold.

Throttle knew of only one law that would prevent Charley from going home but, he never thought that Carbine would enforce it.

It was such an obscure law that he thought was tossed off somewhere else. Besides, Charley was human and should be exempt from it.

"What law?" Charley inquired, noticing how Throttle's jaw tightened as he stared at Carbine.

"It's an old law that still can be invoked if certain situations arise," Throttle said.

"And the situation has come about. How long did you think that your pregnancy would remain a secret?" Carbine asked.

"Only two people who knew about it and I wasn't ready to talk about it" Charley stated, knowing that only Throttle and the doctor knew about her condition and Throttle would never say a word to anyone without her consent. She concluded that the doctor broke trust and informed the general.

"You know what has to be done and the sooner it's done the better" Carbine directed her statement to Throttle.

"Fine" Throttle ground his teeth as he spoke.

"Thank you, commander" Carbine stated as she walked away from them.

"Throttle, what's going on?" Charley asked as she watched several of mice soldiers put locks on her rig.

"We have to get married, immediately" Throttle could barely get the words out.