June 4, 2021
It was mortifying, watching her limp into view on those crutches. Cassidy was still standing there, one hand on the door, a smug and unfamiliar expression on his face, and the little girl was still standing beside him, looking up at Elliot like she couldn't wait for him to leave; even the boy had ceased his endeavors with the coloring book, was now watching them all curiously with big blue eyes. The boy's eyes were blue like Cassidy's and the girl's eyes were dark like Liv's and Elliot's stomach heaved unpleasantly, but there was nowhere for him to go. Liv knew he was here now, and he couldn't just walk away. He'd come here to try to make things right, to make a stab at being there for her the way she had been there for him so much in the last few months, and he had made a promise to himself that he'd never walk away from her again the way he had done before. It was a promise he intended to keep, even if it hurt.
"Elliot?" she asked as she drew near. She was clearly confused, caught off guard by his sudden appearance at her door, and he couldn't blame her for that. He'd turned up here with no warning because that was what he used to do in the old days. Times had changed. This would be, he thought, the last time he came to her home uninvited. There was no place for him here.
"Hey," he answered, a little lamely.
She looked good. She looked pretty. Her hair was caught in a messy bun behind her head, a lock of it falling gracefully against her cheek. She wore no makeup, and her feet were bare, except for the cast on the injured one, and the sweatpants she wore were slung loosely around her hips, low enough to make his tongue stick to the roof of his mouth, the tiniest sliver of smooth tanned skin visible between them and the hem of her t-shirt. Her white t-shirt, stretched tightly across the swell of her breasts, and Jesus, she looked good. But Cassidy was barefoot, too, comfortable at home with her, with their children. In their home. With their children. Cassidy had been allowed to touch her, to love her, to make a family with her. Cassidy. None of it made any goddamn sense, but the reality of it was undeniable, and it cut Elliot to the bone.
"What are you doing here?"
He really, really wished she hadn't asked him, because now he was gonna have to tell her.
"I, uh, I just came by to…check on you, I guess." He ran his hand over the back of his head anxiously and did his best not to look at Cassidy, but there wasn't really anywhere safer to cast his gaze. Cassidy was looking at him with an almost malicious sort of glee and Liv looked concerned in a way he couldn't face and those fucking kids…
"That's real sweet of you," Cassidy said mockingly.
"Bri." Olivia's tone carried a note of warning, and the man relented, as cowed by her as he had been by their daughter. He took a step back and opened the door a little wider, as if inviting Elliot to come inside.
"I don't mean to intrude," Elliot said, looking straight at Olivia now. "Don't let me interrupt your time with your family."
I wanted to be part of a family so much.
It was all she'd ever wanted, he knew. All she'd ever dreamed of. To have a family. For thirteen years he'd gone home to his family, to his wife and his children and his comfortable home with the fence around the backyard and the backpacks by the front door and she'd gone home to a one bedroom apartment and absolutely nothing else, not even a fucking cat. He had a mother and a father and aunts and uncles and cousins and in-laws and all she had was Serena, Serena who'd died so long ago, Serena who hadn't been much of a mother, in the end. That was how it had always been, him surrounded by family and her all alone, and now the tables had turned, and it was him with the empty apartment and her with the home full of people, full of love. He'd always imagined she must have been lonesome, always thought it must have hurt her, watching him leave and finding herself alone, but now he knew. Now he knew how shitty it felt, and his heart ached for her all over, for the long years of darkness she'd endured and for the role he'd played in her sorrow.
"We were just about to eat," Olivia said. "There's enough to go around, if you wanna stay."
Oh, he absolutely did not want to stay. It was the last thing he wanted, to sit at a table and watch Olivia and Cassidy being all domestic and happy with the children they'd created together, and now he understood something else. Now he knew exactly why Olivia had said no every time Kathy invited her over for dinner.
"That's my cue," Cassidy said before Elliot could find the breath to turn her down, and Elliot watched in confusion as Cassidy slipped the apron off over his head and hung it on the coat tree by the front door.
"You gonna be ok tonight?" Cassidy asked Olivia, reaching for his boots and tugging them on while Elliot just stood there staring, confused.
"Yeah, I'll manage," she said. "Thanks, again."
"Any time."
"Ok, guys, say good-bye to daddy," Olivia said to her children, and the little boy rose to his feet, raced over while Cassidy finished putting on his boots. When he was steady he bent down, and kissed each of his children on their foreheads, smiling.
What the fuck is going on? Elliot wondered.
"You guys be good for mom, ok? Don't give her any trouble."
"Yes, daddy," the two little ones chorused in unison.
"Ok. I love you." He caught them both in a hug, suddenly, and held them tight while they giggled, and Elliot's mind drifted, for a moment, thinking of his own children when they were small, thinking of all the times he'd been forced to walk away from them and how badly he'd wanted to stay.
Eventually Cassidy straightened up and looked at Liv.
"Take care of yourself, babe," he said, and then he leaned in and kissed her cheek, and Elliot looked away, wounded by the sight of their easy affection and wishing like hell that he wasn't.
"I will," she said.
There was nothing left for Cassidy to do but leave, and so he did, but not before catching Elliot's eye one last time.
"Good to see ya, man," he said. It didn't sound like he meant it.
"Yeah," Elliot answered. "Good to see ya."
Cassidy nodded once and then walked away, whistling, and Olivia reached out and swung the door closed behind him. Elliot locked it reflexively, and then just stood there for a second, feeling utterly out of his element. What was he supposed to do now, alone with Liv and her kids? Her kids who were staring at him like they didn't understand what he was doing there? Not that he couldn't blame them, he didn't really know what he was doing there himself.
"Where's he going?" he asked before he could stop himself.
"Home, probably," Liv said cryptically. "Now come on, who's hungry?"
"Me!" her boy crowed, and he took off for the kitchen, his sister hot on his heels, with Liv and Elliot left behind, lingering, awkward, uncertain.
"Look maybe I should just-"
"Will you help me serve the food? I could use an extra set of hands."
She wasn't gonna let him off the hook. He'd tried to make a graceful exit but she'd stopped him, and she was looking at him expectantly right now, and she had a point. It would be pretty fucking hard for her to dish up dinner while she was on those crutches and what kind of friend would he be if he left her to muddle through it alone?
"Of course," he said.
So he followed her back to the little kitchen. The kids were already sitting at the table, little legs swinging, faces watching their mother expectantly. The fridge was covered in crayon drawings and silly little magnets and there was a massive pot of spaghetti on the stove. Cassidy must have made it, and even though he'd never admit it out loud Elliot thought it smelled pretty damn good.
"You sit," he said to Liv. "Just tell me where the plates are."
"We use bowls for spaghetti," the little girl said in a disdainful tone of voice, like the idea of eating spaghetti off a plate was the stupidest thing she'd ever heard in her short life.
That one is gonna be a tough nut to crack, Elliot thought, but he smiled despite himself, because she reminded him so much of her mother.
"Bowls, then."
Liv gave him directions from her seat at the table, watched him quietly while he filled the bowls and passed them around until there was nothing left for him to do but take his own meal, and sit down with the Bensons. The little square table only had room for four, and the kids were sitting on two sides opposite one another, so Elliot took the last chair, across from Liv.
"Mommy, who is he?" the little girl asked. Her brother was too busy eating to speak, but he did cast his eyes towards Elliot curiously.
"This is my friend Elliot," Olivia said. "Elliot, this is Mia and Noah."
Mia and Noah. They were good names. They sounded good together.
" 's nice to meet you guys," Elliot said hoarsely.
"Are you a cop?" Mia asked him suspiciously, and he almost laughed out loud, hearing such a blunt question delivered in such a little voice.
"Yeah, I'm a cop like your mommy and daddy."
"My daddy's not a cop."
Elliot looked up at Olivia, desperate for her to save him.
"Brian's a special investigator with the DA now," she explained. "He hit his twenty and retired a few years ago."
So Cassidy wasn't a cop anymore, and he didn't live here with his children and their mother. Both of those pieces of information were heartening to Elliot. He couldn't explain why he was glad Cassidy wasn't on the force any more, but he was just the same. Maybe it was just that he liked that thought of Cassidy being a little further removed from Liv, of them not crossing paths so much in their day to day. It was pretty fucking obvious to him why he was happy that Cassidy wasn't living with Liv, but he was trying not to examine that too closely.
"Mommy, why-" Mia started to ask a question, and Olivia shot her a look like she just knew her kid was about to say something inflammatory and she intended to put a stop to it.
"Eat your dinner, baby," Olivia said.
Mia pouted, just a little, just like her mother, but she did as she was told. There was no respite for Elliot, though, because Mia had no sooner fallen silent than Noah swallowed a huge bite of spaghetti, and spoke.
"Do you have kids, Elliot?" he asked.
Noah was a sweet faced little kid; those dark curls and those blue eyes made him look almost cherubic, and he didn't seem to share his sister's bad humor.
"I do," Elliot said. "I've got five 'em. They're all a lot older than you two, though."
Four of Elliot's kids had already been born before he even met Liv, and she'd delivered the fifth, but her babies had come along after he left. He had grandchildren not too much younger than Liv's kids, and the thought made him feel fucking old, even though he only had a year or two on Liv. Their lives had shot off in such wildly different directions, and it wasn't supposed to be this way. That was the thought he kept coming back to; it's not supposed to be like this. They were supposed to be best friends, always so in sync, were always supposed to know everything about one another, were supposed to support one another through every trial, but he hadn't been there for this. For the birth of her children, for the making of her family.
It was his own fault, he knew. He was the one who'd left, he was the one who'd ripped them both wide open. He was the one who'd broken them. And by god he was gonna be the one to put them back together.
"Spaghetti's good," he said, taking a bite. Across the table from him Liv hummed, and ate her dinner, and the sensation of sharing a meal with her was so familiar to him that his heart slowed, and calmed. He was with Liv, and they were eating, and everything was gonna be ok.
