Chapter One
We're Going To Be Okay
"The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight. Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time. I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts. I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out. I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing. With a broken heart that's still beating. In the pain, there is healing. In your name I find meaning. So I'm holdin' on...I'm barely holdin' on to you..." ~ Lifehouse
"Come feed the rain 'cause I'm thirsty for your love, dancing underneath the skies of lust. Yeah, feed the rain 'cause without your love my life ain't nothing but this carnival of rust. It's all a game, avoiding failure, when true colors will bleed. All in the name of misbehavior and the things we don't need. I lust for after no disaster can touch, touch us anymore. And more than ever, I hope to never fall, where enough is not the same it was before..." ~ Poets of the Fall
"Just give me a reason. Just a little bit's enough. Just a second we're not broken just bent, and we can learn to love again. It's in the stars. It's been written in the scars on our hearts. We're not broken just bent, and we can learn to love again..." ~ P!nk feat. Nathan Ruess
I was wide awake staring at the ceiling, my mind racing. I groaned loudly and got up. I felt tense and frustrated the last couple of weeks' stress getting to me. And the fact that Damon was just down the corridor made it worse. I started pacing, trying to distract myself from all that was going on inside my head. When I couldn't take the tension anymore I marched out of the room and down the corridor. I walked down the corridor using my memory to find Damon's room. Walking through the house brought back vivid memories. Some I wanted to cherish, others I wanted to erase.
But it doesn't work like that. Memories are forever, it's just how it is. I reached his room knocking on the door, feeling like a teenage girl. I was nervous as hell, my heart racing, my palms sweaty and my breathing slightly uneven. I pushed the door open, squeezing through and closing it behind me. It was pitch black in the room and it took my eyes a couple of seconds to readjust and focus. Damon laid on his back on the side closest to the door. He gave me a curious look, his features blurred in the dark.
I stood grounded for a second wondering if this was such a good idea. I thought better of it and turned around reaching out for the door, touching the door knob. I closed my eyes, the familiar feeling of belonging settling inside me. It's the kind of feeling that makes your stomach flutter, toes curl, and smile like an idiot. A feeling so warm and comfortable it burned inside you like a flame. I turned around and marched over to Damon's bed. I climbed over him, giving him a front row seat of my underwear under the T-Shirt I wore. I settled down next to him, lying on my back, resting my hands on my stomach. We laid in silence for a while, staring at the ceiling, like it could explain everything. My heart slowed down to a healthy rhythm, content with the situation. When I was ready, I turned on my side meeting Damon's gaze. I closed my eyes and rested my head against his. My heart ached, the hollowness inside me growing.
I've been doing well, but I still felt a little out of place. I opened my eyes again, reached up with my hand, and touched Damon's face. We stared at each other, a silent moment passing through us. There was no need to communicate verbally.
We just knew what we wanted. It scared me to realize just how much I loved Damon. I was foolish to think that I could just turn off that kind of love. When you love someone so much it physically hurts, you do reckless things. And I did the first thing that came to mind. I leaned in and kissed Damon. It was an impulse, a sudden loss of control. My body responded first, my mind a bit reluctant to follow.
It wasn't long before I lost myself in the lust, Damon consuming everything that was me. The kiss intensified, my heart racing, my mind fixed on one thing. Damon turned pulling me on top of him. I straddled him too consumed with the kiss to care what he was doing. I interrupted the kiss long enough to take off my shirt. I hesitated for a moment, aware of my scarred body. I was never one to feel self-conscious, but this was different. I was aware of every flaw. Damon met my worried gaze and smiled.
"You're beautiful," he breathed his hands gripping my hips, holding onto me like I was going to disappear before we could go any further. The fact that he wasn't turned off by me made me feel better. I took his face in my hands, reassuring him with a passionate kiss that I wasn't going anywhere, at least not tonight.
Damon flipped me over breaking the kiss to take off his clothes. I got out of my knickers before Damon got to them. I remember what happened to clothing that got in the way of Damon and what he wanted. Damon pressed his naked body against mine, flesh rubbing against flesh. A ball of fire started in the pit of my stomach, quickly spreading. I grabbed fists-full of Damon's hair, deepening the kiss. I wanted more.
No. I needed more. I was consumed by lust, a hunger growing inside me that I was afraid I could never satisfy. Damon's hand moved down my waist and settled on my butt cheek. I spread my legs and wrapped my right leg around his waist, holding on.
Damon grabbed me by the hair with his left hand, pulling my head back, kissing my exposed neck. I moaned, grabbing on to the head board, arching my back. I knew Damon's beast was on the surface, threatening to take control. I envisioned his teeth piercing my skin and taking my blood. I closed my eyes, the ball of fire settling between my legs. My eyes snapped open when Damon pulled away.
He was staring at me taking in my features. Our eyes still fixed on each other, Damon pushed inside me. I slapped my hands on his back, digging my nails in, biting down hard on my bottom lip. Damon pulled out and slammed back inside me, his dark eyes drowning me. I bit down harder to stop myself from screaming.
I was aware that Stefan wasn't too far away. I didn't get embarrassed easily, but as a vampire Stefan had excellent hearing. I wasn't going to add volume to this already noisy situation. I drew blood, the taste of copper overwhelming to my taste buds. Damon, with his beast on the surface, looked at me with hunger and lust blazing in his eyes. I lifted my head, grabbing Damon's bottom lip with my teeth.
The whole world faded away at that moment. My mind and body was only interested in one thing. Damon. He had all of me. My mind, body, and soul.
For this brief impulsive moment I bared everything to Damon. After all these years Damon still managed to turn my whole world upside down. Damon bared his fangs resisting the urge to drink from me. He was trying to control the beast, scared of hurting me again. I was touched by his concern for me, but I needed him to bite me. "It's okay," I breathed my voice hoarse. Damon didn't wait, he went straight for my breast, choosing to leave a mark where no one would see it. His teeth pierced through my skin, blood seeping into his mouth. I closed my eyes moaning loudly.
Our worlds collided with a bang, bright white sparks going off inside me. Damon untangled himself form me in every sense, collapsing on the bed beside me. Every nerve in my body was alive, my senses heightened, the hunger inside me stilled. Damon pulled me into his arms assuring himself that I was real. Not that I wouldn't be. Then again I didn't want to pry too deep into his thoughts. I fell asleep in Damon's arms happy and satisfied.
I sat on the sofa in the living room with a blanket wrapped around me, hugging my knees against my chest. I stared at the ash in the fireplace, distracted by the conversation I was having with myself. I didn't regret what happened with Damon last night, but I was afraid of getting my heart broken again. Too many times I've trusted Damon just to be let down when he left me alone and brokenhearted. But we shared a past that I couldn't ignore, even though I didn't remember any of it. I wasn't mad at Damon or Stefan for keeping it from me, well not anymore. I was just scared.
If I was going to follow Jack and lead a revolution I needed Damon and Stefan by my side. I just needed to know that Damon was going to stick around and not leave when things started to get complicated. "Here you are," Damon said relieved.
I looked up and gave him a warm smile. "I'm not leaving, Damon," I said reassuringly.
"Just making sure," he said taking a seat next to me. I crossed my legs, clutching the blanket against my chest. "Do you regret last night?" Damon asked, getting straight to the point. I thought about it again and took Damon's hand.
"I'm so in love with you that it scares me," Damon said when I didn't say anything.
"Damon," I began squeezing his hand. "Come back to me, Ava," he said, pleadingly.
"I'm here, Damon," I said, but I couldn't shake the fear of getting my heart broken again. "I don't blame you for being mad, especially since I've lied to you on more than one occasion," Damon said looking past me and at the window behind me.
"You knew who I was that first night and you still tried to kill me," I said unable to stop myself from going down that path. I thought I didn't need to know, but I did.
"You have to understand, Ava-"
"Please don't pull a Jack on me," I interrupted.
"When I turned all the memories came back, and I went looking for you. I found you and saw you with Vincent. I was furious," Damon took a breath looking directly at me. "I couldn't, or I wouldn't understand why you'd be with someone like him. I lost my temper and I killed you. But-"
"I was a Keeper."
"Yes. I fell in love with you all over again and it scared me."
"Why?"
"Because I had fallen in love with Katherine and I was afraid I'd hurt you again."
"Then why come back?"
"Because I couldn't stay away."
"Do you resent me for killing Katherine all those years ago?"
"I think I've always resented you, but not because of Katherine," Damon said letting go of my hand. "Then why?" I asked.
"I resented you because you didn't save me," Damon continued tears in his eyes.
Damon was finally saying what he's been afraid to say. I didn't save him. Most of his resentment was because I didn't stop him from being turned. He became this monster because of me. I shook my head and dropped my gaze. I started to understand the love hate relationship we had. We both blamed each other for things we had no control over. "I am so sorry," I apologized. I didn't know what else to say. The truth was, even if I did know that Katherine had fed Damon her blood, there was nothing I could do about it. It wasn't my job to protect humans. It was my job to keep supernatural beings from being exposed. We sat in silence letting what was said sink in.
"I love you, I always have," Damon said breaking the silence.
"I'm scared, Damon."
"I know you are, but I'm not going anywhere."
"I don't know if I can trust you," I said honestly.
"I won't give up," Damon said taking my hand in his.
"I didn't think you would."
