Chapter Fifteen
We'll Get Through This
"Do you dream, that the world will know your name. So tell me your name and do you care, about all the little things or anything at all?" ~ Thriving Ivory
"Just close your eyes. The sun is going down. You'll be alright. No one can hurt you now. Come morning light you and I'll be safe and sound..." ~ Taylor Swift & The Civil Wars
"We both could see crystal clear. The inevitable end was near. Made our choice, trial by fire. To battle is the only way we feel..." ~ 30 Seconds to Mars
Ava's nose was buried in a book, her eyes strained her thoughts scrambled. For the last few days all she's done is read. She was reading every book she could get her hands on about leadership, war plans, and how to survive a war. Ever since she's revealed her plan to the group, she's been in the study reading these books. It was amazing how many books there were on these three topics, and Ava managed to get most of them, and she was still sending us out to get more she located. She wanted to be prepared, and she's pushing herself too far. She barely eats, and she's not come to bed in days. Her thoughts weren't as guarded as before, every now and again it was like her thoughts escaped and she was slow to retract them. Ava mumbled something to herself, and flipped a couple of pages looking for something.
It was my turn to bring her some food, not that she eats it, but at least she's got the option to eat. "Son of a bitch," Ava swore closing the book and chucking it at the wall. She ran her fingers through her hair and sighed. I placed the tray on a table by the door and walked towards her. I've been worried more so lately.
If Ava was falling apart then I needed to catch her before it was too late. It was only going to get worse and we need her at her best.
"Ava," I said touching her shoulder. Ava nearly jumped out of her skin, her eyes frantic and her heart hammering in her chest. She was so distracted she didn't even know I was there. That just shows how scattered she's been lately.
"Come to bed," I pleaded as she looked at me with her bloodshot eyes. Ava looked at me for what felt like hours, her mind racing. "A few more minutes," she said picking up another book. I nodded and left the room. A few hours later Ava was still cooped up in the study. I heard another book hitting the wall, her thoughts running wild.
She was trying to figure out how to plan a surprise attack on The Assembly. Whenever she had a plan figured out she'd over think it and rip it apart. I got out of bed and made my way to the study. I needed to get her to bed. She couldn't go like this.
This time Ava heard me coming. She seemed more aware of her surroundings. I found her sitting still sitting behind the desk, just staring at the wall.
"Ready?" I asked, looking directly at her. Ava turned to look at me, and saw that I wasn't going to leave without her. She nodded and took my extended hand.
I helped her to her feet and she stumbled, her legs weak. I caught her and picked her up. She wrapped her arms around my neck and I adjusted her in my arms.
I carried her out of the study and towards our bedroom. We barely left the study and I could feel her body relax, her mind going silent. She was fast asleep by the time we reached the bedroom, and I gently laid her down on the bed and took a blanket from the end of the bed to cover her. She sighed and turned on her side, hugging the blanket to her chest with one hand and tugging the other hand under her pillow.
I leaned against the wall, crossing my arms across my chest, watching Ava sleep.
I stood against the wall for half an hour keeping a watchful eye on Ava. When I was convinced she wasn't going to wake up, I got into bed.
Ava slept through the night, but it was a restless sleep. She was tossing and turning, her thoughts haunted with fear and worry. I wanted to help her, but I couldn't.
Not until she told me what she was worried about. Her thoughts were broken and hard to read. I was awake most of the night, just listening to her struggle in her sleep.
Ava woke with a sigh, turning on her back and covering her eyes with her arm. She was quiet for a while just thinking. She managed to get her thoughts in some sense of order and put the wall up that guarded her thoughts from me. She hasn't been able to do that lately and by doing it now it meant that she was finally coming to grip with her worry and fear. "I'm terrified I'm leading everyone on a suicide mission. I shouldn't be asking everyone to risk their lives," Ava said.
"Most of us offered, and you know I'd go to hell and back for you."
With her arm still covering her eyes, Ava laughed. She peeked out from under her arm, looking at me. "A year ago I wouldn't have thought so."
That sentence angered me. I thought we were over this. I thought we have moved on.
"Stop doing that," I snapped. I sat up and chucked the blanket off me.
"I'm sorry," Ava said sitting up. She touched my arm lightly and I turned to look at her. "It's a defense mechanism," she said apologetically.
I nodded and got up. I knew this was hard for her and that she had a lot of doubt, I just wish we could get away from the past. We both made mistakes, we just needed to move on. I thought we had. "We have," Ava said.
"You hardly share your thoughts, but somehow you don't mind invading mine."
"I'm not doing this now, Damon. I don't have the energy to fight with you," Ava said angrily, getting out of bed. She stomped to the bathroom and slapped the door shut.
I heard the shower going, and sat down on the bed running my hand over my face.
The water stopped running and Ava opened the door again, marching over to where I sat on the bed. "I'm sorry," she said getting down on her knees in front of me.
"You're right. It's unfair to listen to your thoughts when I keep mine hidden from you."
I reached over and touched her cheeks. She leaned into my hand an covered it with her hand. "I've been scattered lately, and I haven't been letting you in."
"You have a lot on your mind," I said.
"That shouldn't matter. We're in this together, so I have to talk to you."
"I just want to help, Ava."
"I know," she said getting to her feet.
"I love you," I said reminding her.
Ava smiled and touched my face. "I know."
"So, are you going to talk to me."
"After I take a shower. I need to wash my hair. It's filthy."
"I didn't want to say anything," I joked, playfully pushing her away.
"You want to smell it?" she asked shaking her hair in my face.
"No thank you, I was sleeping next to it all of last night. I think I've had enough."
Ava laughed and walked back to the bathroom. She started undressing as she went and was naked by the time she got to the shower. I smiled and got up. I gave her a couple of minutes before I joined her. Ava squealed when I got in and laughed as I tickled her sides. I stopped and kissed the hollow of her neck wrapping my hands around her waist. Ava turned around in my arms, leaning into my embrace. She wrapped her arms around my waist, resting her head against my chest.
