Chapter Twenty-Seven
Georg was sound asleep when Maria returned from her time with Max. She looked at her husband's peaceful face and leaned over to give him a kiss. 'He's exhausted," Maria said to the nurse that came in to check on Georg's breathing.
"He is," was the only reply. "He's doing very well though. A lot of patients his age that have these abnormal rhythms and have heart attacks are much weaker. The fact he could even get out of bed at all is a wonder. Not that he should. He needs to stay as quiet as he can until he leaves on Monday."
"I'll see to that," Maria replied. "The medicine for his blood pressure seems to make him have to get up an awful lot."
"I know," the nurse replied. "That will get better when his body adjusts, but I'm afraid that it will always be a bit more than someone not on the medication."
Maria nodded and stroked Georg's forehead. "Thank you. I'll call if we need help. I'm going to sit down here, do some sewing. I bought some material while I was out. I can't believe I'm sewing baby things again when my husband has had a heart attack."
"Babies are a miracle," the young nurse replied. "A true miracle. Let us know if you need anything."
Maria settled down with her sewing watching Georg sleep. He seemed so peaceful and looked much younger; so relaxed.
Georg was up and down a few times during the night, still foggy from the morphine. Maria was asleep beside him, in her chair, keeping quiet vigil. He loved her so much.
Whenever Georg was awake, Maria woke too and helped him move in bed so he didn't tax himself. When morning came, Georg was still very drowsy.
The place where Georg was in his mind felt warm and beautiful. He was with Maria, holding her close in his arms, her baby mound underneath his hand. He felt their child moving, and felt Maria's contented sigh as he kissed her neck.
"I love you so much," Georg whispered.
"I love you," Maria whispered. "I…" Cough. Cough. Cough.
Georg was shocked out of sleep by the sound of coughing and retching. "Maria?" Georg pushed himself up and looked around. "Maria?"
Maria wasn't by his side, but the light was on in the small bathroom. Georg sighed and waited a few moments, but Maria only seemed to get worse. Georg didn't even think to call the nurse. He grabbed the IV pole, firmly this time, and slowly got out of bed. His legs still felt like lead, but Maria clearly needed him, so he pressed on.
Maria was rinsing her mouth when Georg appeared in the doorway. She gasped in surprise then, "Georg, what are you doing!? You are not supposed to get up! You aren't supposed to be stressing your heart. We don't know if you are all right, we don't know and…"
There it was. What Georg knew had been under the surface of Maria's smile the last five days was erupting from inside of her.
Georg took two more steps toward Maria, IV and all, and managed to pull her into his arms. Maria held onto Georg, her sobs shaking her small form, her breath coming in soul shattering little gasps. "Ssh…Ssh, it's alright. I'm alright. Everything is going to be fine. It is all going to be just fine. Ssh…"
Georg slowly rocked back and forth trying to absorb as much of Maria's pain as he could. Only it wasn't just pain, it was anger too. "You don't know that," Maria cried as she pulled back to meet Georg's eyes. "Nobody knows that! I…I don't know what…I don't think I can take…if something happens to you or to this baby. What are we going to do? What are you going to do if something happens to me?"
"Truth?" Georg asked. "I'd go on. I would have to go on. I would still have a family that needed me, perhaps an infant that needed me and I would have to go on for you, because of you. It would hurt like Hell, but I would do it, just like if I am called before my time, before you are ready, before either of us is ready, you will have to do the same thing."
"Veritas," Maria murmured. "Sounds so much better in Latin. Georg, I can't even think…I look back now and I think about my life, I can't remember when you weren't there for me and together I can't imagine anything the two of us can't do, but alone I…I… I can't lose you, Georg. I need you. Please stop ignoring the doctors before you hurt yourself. Please go back to bed and stay put until we know it's safe."
Georg sighed, "All right. I'll go back to bed if you come and lie beside me and let me help you if you feel sick again. Please."
Maria shut her eyes. "You want me to just use a trash can? I don't think the nurses would appreciate that."
"Now ask me if I care," Georg laughed. "Maria, I know I had the easy part here, my love. I know watching a loved one being sick, being weak is the harder job, but I know in my soul I'm going to be okay. I know it. You have trusted me for so many years, trust me now."
Maria took a shaky breath. "Let's get you back into bed, I don't want you to stress your heart until the test is done and we know what we need to do."
Georg nodded and held onto Maria as they made their way back to his bed. Maria helped Georg settle back into bed. He sighed and held her hands. "Did you eat well last night? And rest some?"
Maria nodded, "I napped and I did enjoy a meal with Max, but I ask you again, Georg, please don't go to Boston with just Max. I can't be away from you when you are ill "
Georg sighed, "Maria, if you weren't pregnant and feeling sick yourself, I would never ask that of you, but you are pregnant and as always the most important thing in this world to me is you and our children, you and this unborn baby specifically. For that reason alone, my love, I want you to stay home. I uh…ask you to stay home."
With those few soft words, Maria was transported back to the grand staircase at the villa when Georg had made the first of many requests in their lives as a team of two. When he uttered it that first time, she knew she couldn't deny him his request. She couldn't do it this time either.
Maria nodded once, "But you have to call me. A lot."
"You will get sick of hearing the phone ringing, Darling," Georg promised before hitting the call bell to summon a nurse and request some mouthwash and emesis basins. He did it with such a straight face, Maria couldn't help but smile.
Monday Afternoon
Before Departure
Both Maria, Georg, and Curtis felt it would be more prudent for the children to visit their father in groups. Earlier that day, this time with Maria present, Georg had another long run of erratic heart rate. It had left him tired though he didn't suffer any of the pain or numbness he had felt during the major event. Liesl, Louisa, and Gretel visited him first with all three girls promising to help Maria and keep her busy while Georg was gone.
"Try not to worry about anything while you're gone, Father," Liesl told him. "One of us will be at the house with Mother and Julia all the time."
"You won't have to lift a finger, Mother," Gretel promised. "It's all arranged. We talked about it last night."
"Girls," Georg still saw all of his daughters as little girls. They never grew up in his eyes. "I'm only going to be gone for a couple of days, then I'll be back here until the doctors feel it's safe for me to go home. There's no need to be making such a fuss."
"I agree," said Maria. She took hold of Georg's hand and kissed the back of it. "I promised your Father that I will stay home and rest as much as possible, but if all I do is lie around I'll go stir crazy worrying about him. I'm only three months along, when I get huge is the time that I'll need help."
Maria knew she was going to be in for it no matter what she said to the girls. When Rosamaria, Deborah, and Brigitta visited they all made similar promises. Brigitta was a fountain of information about the cardiac catheterization procedure and didn't hesitate to spill all of that information out to her parents. "There is a procedure they are working on where they can implant this little machine that will actually fix your heartbeat. It's only been done on animals so far I think, but that could help you if they manage to figure out how to work it on humans."
"Thank you, my Darling, but the last thing I'm going to trust to run my heart is a machine," Georg chuckled. "However, knowing what to expect with the procedure makes me a little less nervous.I do thank you for that."
Julia and Cathy were next. Curtis had to pull strings to get Julia to be allowed in, as she was only 17. Of all the children Julia had been affected the most by witnessing the start of Georg's heart trouble. When she got into her father's room, seeing him for the first time in over a week, she flopped onto the bed next to him, threw one arm around his waist and laid her head on his chest as she had done hundreds of times as a small girl.
The heat of Julia's tears soaked through the hospital gown. Georg raised his hand and gently stroked Julia's long hair murmuring shushing sounds to try and soothe her. "I'm all right, Sweetheart. There's no reason to cry. There's no reason to cry, everything is going to be alright. I promise. I promise."
Cathy sat in the chair usually occupied by Maria and held her father's hand. They talked about school, Maria had insisted that Cathy return the previous Tuesday and not miss any class. Cathy had fought her mother on this but ultimately decided obeying her mother's wishes would help her father the best. After five minutes of Georg's gentle soothing, Maria's soft touch and Cathy's stories of the uptight, petty girls on campus at Wellesley, Julia composed herself. The family of four was laughing by the end of the visit.
The two boys were last, along with Matthias and Sam. They were more solemn, each inside their own heads about what would happen if they were to lose Georg. He was the patriarch of the family, the leader. If, Heaven forbid, he didn't survive the procedure or the heart condition diagnosed was more severe than anyone thought or wished, the dynamic would shift greatly. The pressure would be on one of their shoulders if not shared by all. Curtis and Gretel's husband had never fit in with the group of older men. They were both more radical in their thinking, something that had always turned Georg off, especially to Curtis with his brash delivery of any information good or bad. However, Georg and the entire family had to admit if not for Curtis things would be a whole lot different.
When Matthias, Sam, and Kurt gave Georg a hug and left the room, Friedrich hung back. Georg looked at his oldest son and smiled at him. "Breathe," he gently commanded. "You aren't going to have to do anything more than you already do for a while. I don't plan on going anywhere, so stop worrying about that. I know that you will take care of your mother while I'm gone and keep things running smoothly, but I plan on taking over the reins as soon as I get out of the hospital. Are we clear?"
"Father, I just wanted to apologize for arguing with you the day this all happened about young Georg and the cigarettes. He was punished and I know he regrets what he's done. I should have listened to you earlier about taking a firmer hand with him." Friedrich hung his head only to have Georg tug on his hands to get his attention.
"This was not your fault, Friedrich. This was brewing for a long time and I ignored it. This was not your fault, it was not young Georg's fault, it was not Lida's fault. It was no one's fault. If you're going to think that, you will only succeed in making every decision that I regret having made as a father. I never want you to have to go back and wonder whether or not you made the right decisions for your children. That is the worst feeling a parent can have, and that's why I keep correcting you if I see you heading down the wrong path. It's impossible to stop being a parent just because your children are parents too." Georg leaned up and placed a tender kiss on Friedrich's cheek before nodding his head letting the younger man know he was ready for the next visitor.
Max and Curtis walked into the room with Marta. Georg seemed to be looking beyond them to see if Lida was lurking somewhere in the doorway. "Ready to go? Curtis asked. "The ambulance is here."
"As ready as I'll get I suppose," Georg replied. "Aren't I missing a child? Is Lida outside?"
Marta looked up at Curtis, then over at Maria, before meeting her father's eyes. "Papa, when I went by the apartment this morning to pick Lida up, she wasn't there. I found the note taped to her door. It's addressed to you and Mama."
With a shaky hand, Maria reached out to receive the note. It was softly scented, the words Mama and Papa scrawled in Lida's delicate hand.
Maria began to read the note aloud. She had done the very same thing she realized, many years ago, with the same fear. The fear that her love and her commitment would not be returned by the one she needed assurance from the most.
Dear Mama and Papa,
By the time you read this, I'll be on a train to southwestern Pennsylvania where Father Brady has gotten me a position at an orphanage. While I was in Hartford, Father Brady took me to a home where many children like me had been left alone and scared with no one to love them.
I have never had to know a life without love. I argued with you that keeping the truth from me was not love or respect, but I know now that keeping the secret as long as you did came from nothing but. I understand that neither of you ever wanted me to feel like I wasn't part of this precious family, although I'd always felt it. It was from nothing that you did, and nothing that you didn't do, but rather from my own self and perhaps my own instinct that I was somehow different.
I still don't know who I really am. I am proud to be Lida Rose von Trapp, but I don't know who that is. I'm hoping that by doing some good, by helping others like me, conceived in Hell, that I will find out. The Braun that flows through my veins is real. I can't fight it, but I can beat it. The person that said such awful things might have been the real me. In that case, I hate that person, and I need to become something else.
You have both taught me that I have to look for my life. That's what I'm going to do. I am sorry I am not there to wish you well Papa, but know that you are in my thoughts and prayers every moment. Mama, I promise to be home before the baby is born, and when I have some free time, I promise to call and talk to you about it, about everything. I hope you'll call me too once you know where I am and that I've been settled. I will write everyday until I come home.
I love you both so much. I know I've done a horrible job of showing it, a horrible job of showing the gratitude that I have for everything you've given me. I don't know if I will ever have children, but I do hope if I am so blessed with a family of my own that I am at least half the parent to those children that neither of you had to be to me.
I will see you both again very soon. Please take care of each other and of yourselves. We have so much left to say and do, but I have to do this first. I have to find myself, and more than that, I have to become a woman you'll be proud of. You each deserve nothing less.
I don't know if you'll ever forgive me for the horrible words and vicious lies that flew from my lips. I don't know if you'll ever forgive me for leaving now, for it still feels somewhat selfish. Though, I hope you will.
I am forever your daughter,
Lida Rose.
Maria let the letter drop from her hands and covered her face to stifle a gasp that was one part shock, another part sorrow. Georg looked at Max and his old friend immediately began to push Curtis and Marta out the door. The younger couple knew that Maria and Georg needed some time to themselves before he was taken in the ambulance.
"Come my Darling," was all Georg said. Maria sank onto the bed and buried her head in Georg's shoulder. Georg rubbed her back in slow gentle circles, soothing and comforting as he always had especially where Lida was concerned. He remembered comforting Maria when he had told her about her pregnancy, when the realization of what had happened to her took hold, and when she'd given birth to their precious little girl, the first child they truly shared in all the ways that mattered.
"It's going to be alright, Maria," Georg comforted. "I think she needs this, I think she needs this. She is your daughter in more ways than even she understands, you've always said that. After any loss, you know you have to lick your wounds and get your head on straight, and then you stand. I think our little Lida Rose is going to stand. Take a deep breath and stop crying. There's nothing we can do except welcome her home."
It took Maria a few minutes to get herself together. She pulled back and met Georg's blue eyes, her own still red and puffy from her tears. She leaned over and gave Georg a kiss on the cheek, then moved her mouth slowly to his lips, pouring all the love, hope, and devotion she felt over the last twenty-three years into that kiss. Maria was terrified it was the last kiss they would ever share, but somewhere deep inside her soul she knew that it wasn't. "I love you," Maria whispered. "Stay out of trouble with Max. I'll see you in a few days."
"In a few days, my love," Georg whispered. It was his promise.
