I spend the next two days in bed crying. People try to come see me, but I'm not in the mood. I'm completely devastated, and I'm worse than when I first found out I have cardiomyopathy and my heart was failing. It feels like the rug was pulled out from under me, and I can't figure out how to push through the depression.
I just … hurt.
I'm broken by the false alarm.
I just wanted to finally live, and I lost my chance.
"Bella?" Emmett knocks on the door before coming in, sitting down on the edge of my bed with a sandwich. "You have to eat, kiddo."
He's right of course, but I have no appetite. I'll muddle through for him though.
"Thanks, Em," I say softly, sitting up.
He smiles sadly. "No problem. How are you doing? You know you've got to come out at some point. This isn't good for you."
"I know, but right now … I'm just so angry and scared. What if this was my only chance? What if another heart doesn't come?"
He puts his hand on my cheek, brushing away the tears. "That wasn't meant to be your heart, but one will come. I can't imagine what you're going through, but staying in here won't help anything."
"I know it won't. I just don't know how to move past it."
"Start with finishing that sandwich, and then maybe take a bath—that relaxes you. And when you're done, come downstairs with me. We'll put on something funny."
I'm not really in the mood for a movie, but it's clear he's worried and needs this. The bath I could definitely use though, so I finish most of the sandwich before heading to the bathroom. I feel gross, having been in bed for so long without getting cleaned up, but once I slide into the warm water, I feel a little better.
I spend nearly an hour in the water and, at least, feel better physically. After throwing on sweatpants and a hoodie, I head downstairs to find Emmett on the couch, flipping through movies.
He smiles when he sees me. "You look a little more human. How do you feel?"
I shrug, sitting down on the opposite end of the couch and folding my legs under me. "About the same, but a little less gross."
He nods. "I know this is hard, Bells. I'm sure it feels like the rug was pulled out from under you, but … this happens, unfortunately. That heart wasn't meant for you, but another will be. We just have to hold on."
I know he's right, but it doesn't change how upset I am. "It's just not fucking fair."
"Fuck no, it isn't. None of this has been fair to you, but we can't focus on that. We have to move forward. A heart will come."
"And if it doesn't? Em ...I don't want to die," I say as tears fill my eyes. How I still have any left to cry is beyond me.
He moves over, pulling me into his arms as I sob. I'm so scared of death. I don't want to leave my family. I don't want to leave Emmett. Fuck. He doesn't deserve to lose everyone. It's not fucking fair, and I'm so angry that this is my life now.
If another heart comes, the same thing could happen, and if I'm closer to death's door, it'll be worse than this time.
Why did I get my hopes up?
"You're not going to die," Emmett says, lifting my chin so I can look into his gray eyes—our mother's eyes. "I can't imagine living in this world without you, and I refuse to even consider it. I swear we're going to get through this, but I understand why you're scared. Honestly, I am too, but I can't let myself think about it. You're going to get a heart, and then go on to live a full life."
My lip quivers as I nod. "Just keep reminding me of that, please?"
"Always," he promises. "We'll get through this, Bells. I'll always be by your side."
I couldn't do this without him.
Thanks to May, Nole, Fran, Brier, and Meg for prereading and Sally for Beta'ing.
