As winter turned into spring, spirits were high. Even Xayla with her mood swings and weird cravings managed not to kill anyone, though at times I was deeply concerned she might. Unlike me, who had either been very happy or just a crying mess when I'd been pregnant, my sister-in-law was prone more to angry outbursts and full on rage tantrums.
I'd thought and everyone had hoped that as she'd gotten bigger, her mood might improve, but on the contrary, as time passed and the snow melted, the only change seemed to be that rage was slowly turning to apathy. I would often find her in the living room in the middle of the night, just staring at the wall ahead of her and when I asked about it, she insisted she was fine. I didn't believe her, but when I persisted she talk to me, she only freaked out on me and once shoved me so hard, I fell over.
Occasionally though, like today she seemed happier, almost cheery and so I hoped that this would last at least through the day. I loved seeing the younger woman happy and I wished she'd talk more to me when she was having a hard time. It broke my heart thinking she was suffering in silence.
Despite Xayla's negativity at times, everyone else seemed to be getting on just fine. The oldest boys were now almost three and they were running and talking circles around us, like they knew what they wanted and they were going to get it. I always enjoyed every little moment I got to spend with them and I did make an effort to play with them, even if I was tired or not in the best mood. The boys always brightened my day.
Sam was now eighteen months old and was already beginning to do things that I thought were far too advanced for his age, such as following along with me as I read him stories. Zander said he might be older than the orphanage thought, but with his size and relation to Henry, I was very doubtful of this, though I was insistent that he was just going to be a really smart kid. Sirius said I was just under the spell of "Motherhood", meaning that I would always think my kids were the hot cakes of the playground, no matter how normal they were.
To be fair, he wasn't wrong.
Especially when I couldn't shut up about baby Amber, who at just seven months old was far ahead of where Id thought she'd be. Already, she'd started crawling and could easily sit up unassisted, we'd begun weaning her last month and she was one of the best eaters out of all of us. With every milestone she smashed, I cried and took pictures, my heart not able to handle the joy it felt.
Despite all the joy I still felt the anxiety of time passing though, knowing deep down that before I knew it, I would be making so many decisions of what to do when sending them all off to school and then before I knew it again, I was going to be a Grandmother. It was honestly the most surreal feeling I'd ever had at times, imagining and planning for the future. I supposed it was a coping mechanism, to help me feel as if I had everything under control, when really, the future held what it did and though I could make decisions to change it now, it was like trying to pick poison from identical cups. I wouldn't know if I was making the wrong decision until it was too late.
"Hey Xayxiiieee! Do you happen to know the date of today?" I asked, sitting on the couch beside her with a hot cup of coffee and nudging her slightly. Having been with Zander since he was twenty-one, I'd known this girl since she was ten and we were as close as it got.
"Yes, It's March 18th." Xayla said then gave me the most grumpy look, causing me to grin sheepishly. "I miss coffee." Along with her downward mood spiral, she'd started obsessively keeping track of the date and time. Knowing exactly how to answer what day and time it was at all times. It had gone as far as her sobbing on the floor until Sirius had put clocks in every single room. Then, my sister-in-law had given up coffee and many other luxuries because she'd been worried that the caffeine, amount of sugar or whatever might hurt the baby. She was way more paranoid than I'd been, having drank coffee and ate candy all throughout my pregnancy, it made me feel guilty sometimes, but at other times, I couldn't care less. It depended on my mood, really.
I opened my mouth, about to say something when suddenly Xayla cringed in pain, and turning to me she breathed, "Are the others here?" I nodded and stood as she added, "So, no alarm, girl, but I've been counting contractions all morning and I think it's time."
I stared at her for a long moment, then nodded very slowly, "Are you sure?"
"They're roughly two hundred seconds apart." She confirmed with a deep breath, "When you came in, I was just about to get Siri." I nodded and stood, setting down my drink as I did.
"You wanted to have the baby outside, right, in a tub of water?" She nodded, her eyes suddenly shining.
"Is it still possible, did I wait too long? I was so anxious." I shook my head with a smile.
"Girl, I've learned with magic, anything is possible."
She rolled her eyes, "That's such a muggle reply and not truee- ohohowie, go get them." She stood, breathing very deeply and I nodded, turning to go into the kitchen.
When I entered, Zander, Sirius, Remus— who we'd practically kidnapped and forced to move in with us a couple months ago, because I strictly told him that no family of mine was to live the way the Ministry forced him to live, and the kids were sitting and standing around the table eating and talking. Looking at everyone, I tried to get their attention, but since everyone was talking at once all my attempts were futile. "Guys!" Only Zander looked at me in confusion, so finally getting frustrated, I took a deep breath and- "GUYS!"
All talk ceased at once, and with everyone looking at me now, I crossed my arms. "Xayla believes she's in labor, she's been counting contractions." Suddenly, Sirius, Zander and Remus rushed from the room, before I could tell them that Xayla wanted to be in the beautiful garden- I snickered to myself, having a feeling they'd find out eventually.
The kids tried to leave as well but I stopped them by shutting the door. This had happened once before already, where we thought she was having the baby when she wasn't, but the way she'd spoke with me this time had made me feel that she wasn't just panicking, but that she was being more careful
"I wanna go see da baby!" Harry and Henry screamed in unison, trying to push past me but I stood my ground, my hands on my hips.
"GO! GO! GO!" Sammy yelled, from his highchair, clapping his hands together. All the noise must have overwhelmed poor little Amber because at that moment she began to cry, covering her ears as she did. Being so little, she was my baby that did not thrive in chaos, but preferred a quiet, calm environment.
"Harry, Henry please be quiet." I tried, then when they wouldn't, I spoke loudly over their continuous yells of, 'WE WANNA GO SEE DA BABY!' silence then suddenly fell upon the room at once, the only sounds now being Sammy's giggles and Ambers crying. Letting out a breath of frustration, I walked over to Amber, picked her up and began rocking her in my arms.
Maybe it was nap time? I glanced at the clock and indeed, it was time for her to go down, with Sam's nap just a half hour after. Id decided long ago to not put them down together as Zander and I couldn't always be with each of them until they fell asleep, so it was better to put one down, make sure they were asleep, then get the other.
"Mummy?" I looked down to see Henry looking at me with a guilty expression on his small face. Harry just stood off to the side, looking at the ground.
"What is it Hen?" I asked in my softest, most gentle voice. Amber had her head on my chest and was only hiccuping now, her little eyes closed.
"Awe you mad at me and Hawwy cause we made Amber cry?"
"Of course not." I said, giving him a smile. "She's a baby and well, babies cry." I added and he nodded. "However, I do ask that when I'm speaking you two listen to me, okay?" Shifting my daughter, I knelt and held out an arm for them. Immediately, they came and hugged me, knowing that no matter what happened, I would always be there to love and hold them.
At that moment Remus walked in, looking at me he said, "You guys can come out now, we've moved Xayla outside."
'YAAAAAAAAAY!" Harry and Henry shouted, running out of the kitchen. I sighed in exasperation as Amber, who'd just started to really drift off, was woken up and began to scream bloody murder again..
"Are you coming outside?" Remus asked softly as he picked up Sam and I began to rock my daughter again. He had been so helpful since he'd started staying with us, always ready to jump into action when needed and always willing to back off when he was doing too much. I'd come to love and adore him just as much as Sirius and the others did and I felt blessed Sirius had convinced us to reach out to him.
"Yeah," I said, trying to get Amber to sleep, which eventually worked to my delight. "I just need to put her down."
Remus bounced Sammy in his arms, the toddler setting his head on Remus shoulder as he was coaxed into tiredness. "This is kind of an immediate family thing so I think I'm going to stay downstairs with the kids while you go up and be with your sister-in-law." He said and I smiled at him.
"Remus, you always have, are and always will be family, even immediate family, you are so loved here, Okay?" I asked sternly, and he nodded, a grateful tug pulling at the corners of his mouth.
"But I still think I'll stay down here." He said and I giggled.
"You just don't want to see Xayla have a baby." I said and he nodded.
"Yeah, That sounds about right." He chuckled.
"Whatever floats your boat." I said, nodding, and looking at Remus I added, "But I'm taking Amber upstairs to lay her down for a nap first if you want to bring Sam and lay him down. Zander's going to want to be with his sister- he raised her y'know? Like a father, he's been the only one she's had since she was four or five."
"Oh wow." Remus nodded, "I can't imagine how difficult their lives must've been." He said, then, now rocking Sam, "I can definitely lay Sam down."
I was about to turn, to go through the door, and lead him upstairs, when suddenly, as if some force possessed me to stop, I looked to the brown haired man, and spoke, my voice strong and resilient. I meant every single word that came out of my mouth. "Moony, I'm serious- more so than daddy Black upstairs, you are loved here and ARE a part of this family." I said and with that I left, the kitchen door swinging behind me as I went.
Watching me, gratefully, Remus followed me upstairs, where we separated as I went into Amber's room. I was just about to lay her down when suddenly, I felt arms wrap around my waist and warm breath on my neck, making me shiver from head to toe. I smiled, turning slightly, I met Zanders kiss still smiling as I did. "Here, I'll tuck her in and you go to Xayla, she needs you."
"I thought you wanted to be with her?" I touched my nose to his, giving him Eskimo kisses as we spoke.
"I do, but the Queen has requested you and someone has to sing Amber to sleep."
I nodded and turning, I kissed Amber on the nose, Zander on the lips, said goodnight and handed my baby to her daddy. Then with that, I left my daughter's room, the sound of her cooing following me out. She was such a daddy's girl, I knew she had attached so much to him and I loved it. Heading down the stairs, I made my way out the back door to the garden, where a tub had been made and Xayla put into it.
Helping Xayla give birth was no more a pleasant experience than giving birth myself. Zander had told me that I had used a colorful vocabulary but Xayla- she was a trillion times worse. Sirius was literally verbally explaining his will to us by the time that Xayla needed to start pushing. It was rather amusing and yet amazing at the same time. Despite her attitude, my sister-in-law delivered easy and her babies were big and healthy. We weren't surprised she'd had two, as we'd had Zander take her to St. Mungos one day three months ago, when she'd been crying, paranoid and upset that she was miscarrying- it had only been indigestion, but that girl was convinced to this day that the trip had been a medical emergency.
Zander came outside about fifteen minutes after I did and had proved to be a big help, as after one beautiful baby came and then another, I was having a hard time concentrating, too busy laughing at Sirius who was so pale, he could pass for a ghost.
"You know, you were just as good with Amber, how did you know what to do?" I asked and my husband smiled proudly.
"I was not so young, eleven actually, when Xayla herself was born at my house when the power was out- my mother wasn't very good at magic, so we'd had to do it at home." His smile faltered for the briefest of moments, before it returned as if nothing had happened. "Also if you'll remember, I read quite a lot when you were pregnant." He said and I nodded, deciding not to ask what had made his smile falter. Zander had a lot of hardship in his past and though he'd already shared so much with me, there were just things he wasn't ready to tell me yet and I accepted that, just as I accepted him.
"So what are you going to name them?" I asked about an hour and a half after Xayla had given birth. Xayla had been taken from the water and brought inside and upstairs, while Zander and Remus were on cleanup duty. My sister-in-law and Sirius were now smiling brightly as they held a little bundle of pink blankets, Xayla securely sat under the civers of the bed she and Sirius shared.
The new mother smiled at me, her eyes watery. "Sapphire Rose Black." she began.
"And Jade Lilian Black." Sirius finished.
Suddenly, there was a knock at the bedroom door and Remus walked in with the kids. I grinned and gestured toward the twins, I said, "Family, meet Sapphire and Jade Black and girls meet your family."
Everyone oooohed and aaaawed at the twins for the remainder of the night, the newborn girls absolutely beautiful. They were the spitting image of their mother and I knew that made both their parents very happy. Just as it did the rest of our children, love would follow these babies for the rest of their lives.
As I climbed into bed and snuggled beside my husband, my last thoughts before falling deep into sleep were of Lily and how much I loved and missed her and no matter how rude Petunia was I would always love and miss her as well.
In the first few days after the twins were born, it looked to me as if like I had, Xayla embraced motherhood with fervor and enthusiasm. Her eyes seemed to glow with joy as she cradled her newborn twins, her smiles looked genuine and bright, and every moment with them looked to be filled with tenderness and delight. To me and those around me, my sister-in-law was the picture-perfect mother, doting on her babies and cherishing every milestone.
But as the weeks wore on and routine and sleep deprivation took its toll, the facade of bliss began to crack and fall away and we began to see once more the girl I'd seen when she was pregnant. Xayla's exhaustion seeped into her bones, draining the vitality from her spirit like a disease that ate away at her. The once vibrant glow in her eyes faded, replaced by a weariness that no amount of rest could alleviate. Even when the rest of us helped her with the babies, it only seemed that time alone helped her, but only for a short time as soon enough later, I'd see her once again, looking off into the distance with the saddest or most apathetic look I'd ever seen.
I watched from a distance, torn between admiration for her dedication and concern for her well-being. I'd never seen my best friend and sister in marriage like this before and it was more jarring than anything. It was as if I were witnessing a slow unraveling, a gradual fading of the spunk and joy that once fueled her maternal instincts, her very soul. I'd thought she'd been fine, but looking at her now, I knew she wasn't. I knew something was deeply wrong, but I had no idea what or how to go about addressing it.
One evening, about two months after she'd had her babies, I finished tucking in the children, giving out kisses and stories, before I ventured into Sirius and Xayla's bedroom, where they kept the babies bassinets on either side of their bed. Knocking on the door quietly, no one answered, so taking a deep breath, I pushed open the door and found nearly exactly what I knew I would. Xayla was sitting in a rocking chair in the corner of the room, her gaze fixed on the ceiling fan above as she just… stared at her, her entire souls seeming frozen in place. The room felt heavy with a palpable sadness as I approached her, the creaking of the chair echoing the weight on her shoulders.
Reaching her, I watched her for a brief moment, then I gently reached out and placed a hand on her trembling shoulder. She startled, as if awakening from a trance, and looked up at me with hollow eyes. Her voice was faint and fragile as she whispered, "I can't do this anymore, Rose. I don't know how to keep up."
A lump formed in my throat, and I fought back tears, recognizing the depth of her struggle. It was no longer just the fatigue of sleepless nights; it was the crumbling of her very spirit. But, why? Why was this happening to her? Shouldn't she be happy, enthusiastic, obsessed with her children like I'd been with Amber? I didn't get it, was something more going on with her? I hadn't read about this when I'd been pregnant, so I felt completely thrown off and it hurt that I couldn't immediately just know how to help my sister-in-law.
There was a lengthy moment of silence as I just stared down into her soul, then tentatively, I broached the subject that had been gnawing at me. "Xayla, I don't know what's happening, but you're not okay and you know that. You're not alone in this though, you have a big family here that loves you more than anything. We can figure this out together. Let's seek help, let's find answers."
Eyes wide as she looked at me, my eyes delving deeply into hers, Xayla's gaze searched mine for reassurance and understanding. I could tell she was so scared of what this meant, of what 'seeking help' would entail. "Do you really think there's something wrong with me? Am I just failing as a mother? You were so happy with Amber, Rose, you looked at her like she was the only thing that mattered in the universe and don't get me wrong, I love my babies, but I just- I-" her voice cracked and I pulled her out of the chair, so I could hug her, her shoulders shaking.
My heart ached as I held her trembling body in my arms. I was so worried for this young mother, for my best friend and sister-in-law, I wished I could just wave a wand and make her happy, but I knew that fake happiness would also never fix anything. "No, Xayla, you're not failing. I promise! Sometimes, motherhood can just be overwhelming, and it's okay to feel exhausted-"
"I'm not just exhausted though, Rose." Xayla interrupted and now I could feel her tears on my shoulder as she began to cry. "I'm so sad, I'm so sad and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to be happy and go on. I don't know how to want to be here, doing any of this. Every single day, I wake up and I feel like I'm being crushed and I look at my children- the babies I'm supposed to cherish more than anything and I feel resentment- Ohmygosh, I'm awful." Her cries turned to quiet, heart wrenching, sobs and feeling her pain seep out of her, I held her close, my own eyes moistening as well.
"Xayxay, you're not terrible, I promise." I choked out, my soul aching for my best friend, "This isn't normal though, There may be something more going on with you, something we can't explain. Let's get you into a doctor's office and find someone who can help." I squeezed her in my arms and we swayed gently on the spot, our hearts beating rapidly together. "Sometimes, our hormones get the best of us and it's all we can do not to explode from the crushing weight of it."
There was a long stretch of silence, "Do you really think it's just hormones?" Her voice was so soft and broken, so tired.
"I don't know." I whispered and the room fell silent, us two just holding each other for the longest time.
"Will you talk to Sirius for me." Xayla finally pulled away and wiped at her eyes. "I know he's been worried, too but he doesn't know how to ask about it." She rubbed her face and looked at me as I nodded.
"Of course, I'll talk to the others and we will figure out what to do, girl. We want our Xayxie back and we're willing to fight for her."
"Thank you. I love you so much, Rosie."
"I love you, too." I gave her a brief hug again, squeezing her tight before leaving the room, my mind heavy with thoughts.
Immediately after closing the bedroom door behind me, I hurried down the stairs to the living room, where the men were sat on the couch. They were all talking of all of the children and how sweet they were and comparing their growths to one another. Sirius was telling Remus stories of Harry's first couple of years with us, while I looked on for a moment before stepping forward and getting everyone's attention.
"I need to talk to you guys." I sat down beside Zander, who wrapped his arm around me as Remus moved to sit beside Sirius to give me more room. "It's about Xayla." I looked first at Sirius as I spoke and as I thought, his gray eyes filled concern and confusion.
"I don't know what's wrong with her." He said, his voice quiet. "I've asked but she won't talk to me, I'm worried it's something I did or I'm not doing. I can tell she's not okay and I want her to be so badly."
My heart went out to the young man and new father, my own concern for Xayla reflected through him. "I spoke with her just now upstairs." I began and I then explained how the conversation had gone and what Xayla had said. I ended with the notion that she needed to go to the doctor and looking at Zander, who now looked very alarmed, no one argued on that and it was unanimously agreed that as soon as we could get her in, Xayla would go see a doctor.
It was two days later, when Zander took Xayla to St. Mungos to see a general healer, she was so nervous, but I hugged and assured her as many times as I could that she'd be okay. The doctors were just there to help and heal her. They were going to do everything they could to give her the best chance of getting better.
Sirius, Remus and I busied ourselves with the children, each anxiously awaiting for the two of them to return and tell us what happened. No one said anything too early or gave any verbal sign of our worry, but we could each tell in the way we spoke and looked at the front door like it was an omen, whether good or bad, we weren't sure yet.
When the door opened during the late afternoon and a concerned Zander entered with an ashen looking Xayla, I hurried to them and asked for the news.
As I listened then, with Sirius and Remus and the doctor told Xayla that nothing was wrong with her and she just needed to take a pepperup potion, my blood boiled, my fists clenching as my face went red. How dare they say that nothing is wrong with her! How dare they dismiss not only whst I've been witnessing with Xayla, but whst she's been actively feeling! I opened my mouth to voice my anger, when Sirius waved his wand, changing his appearance. "Grab your coat, Xayla, we're leaving again." He said and everyone just stared at him.
"Sir-"
"No!" He said, firmly, his voice full of anger. "They do not get to dismiss her, they do not get to tell her no. I am taking her back and we are getting answers." We all stared at him now, but with the look in his eyes, no one dared argue with him and Xayla went to the father of her children and he took her into his arms. "Let's go, love."
He walked with her right back out the front door as we all watched in shock. "Okay, I'm just going to say it." Zander gave the sweetest smile. "I'm so happy she found him." Leaning my head on my husband's shoulder, I agreed, wholeheartedly.
When Sirius returned hours later without Xayla, my heart dropped and concern filled my heart. However, that concern was quickly quelled, when my friend shared a term with us that none of us had ever heard before: postpartum depression. It was a condition that could affect new mothers, he explained, and for Xayla, it explained everything she'd been experiencing, the exhaustion, the feelings of inadequacy, and the emotional rollercoaster she'd seemed to become. Sirius explained that Xayla had experienced severe prenatal depression and untreated, had manifested into postpartum and thus they'd ended up here.
"They want her to stay there for a week." He explained, "Then, we'll go and get her and she'll go there during the day, four days a week. Once we got her into a specialist, they said it was obvious what was wrong with her and that they would help her." We all nodded, our hearts heavy. We grappled with the realization that this was not something we could easily fix or brush aside. Postpartum depression was a serious thing and untreated could've had scary ramifications. But with the diagnosis came understanding, and with understanding came the possibility of treatment and support. Sirius told us that this didn't change anything about the mother of his children, that she was still the same girl, just with some new hardships and no one argued with this. We all loved Xayla as much as he did and we wanted her to be okay.
Just as Sirius said, my sister-in-law returned to us a week later, a new change seemed to have come over her. Though at first, there were still glimpses of the sad girl she'd become, as Xayla embarked on a new journey of healing, armed with knowledge about her condition, a team of medical professionals by her side, she slowly morphed back into the girl I once knew, the happy queen of sass. She slowly found joy in motherhood again- true joy that created bonds for her that would never break.
Whenever she struggled, the hospital became a sanctuary, a place where she could find solace and as she continued the arduous process of recovery. I watched on with nothing short of pure joy and relief in my heart, so glad that my best friend and sister was finding joy in life again and that it seemed her life was beginning anew. With therapy, medication, and unwavering support, Xayla regained her strength. She learned coping mechanisms, attended support groups, and gradually reclaimed her sense of self. It was a path filled with obstacles, but she faced them with determination and resilience.
As I stood by her side, I marveled at the power of compassion and understanding that Sirius showed her every second during her recovery. Whenever she needed a moment, he gave it to her, if she needed him, he was there. He was the rock she needed in every moment and even now, Zander was the most happy with this, bringing the two of them closer, bonding our family even further. Xayla's story became a testament to the importance of recognizing and addressing the challenges that can arise in motherhood, even when the answers were elusive. She became a tie that brought our family closer together and through her, we all grew and healed in a way, finding love and joy in the smallest things.
This love was further captured and remembered in mid August, when as they watched the sunset from the garden, Sirius proposed to Xayla, officially asking her to not just be the love of his life and the mother of his children, but his wife as well. When we found out, we all cried, not one person was left with dry eyes for the first time in months, I saw Xayla, jumping up and down with joy and she squealed and hugged me, both of us laughing tearfully.
Things had been scary this year and they'd been hard, but we'd all come out stronger and better for it and for that, I was grateful.
