Disclaimer. I don't own the characters. There is no more gain than the writing practice that is done here

Chapter 22: Releasing feelings

When Monica woke up she was alone, she perfectly remembered what had happened during the night, during sex she had felt that everything was back to normal, as they were before her delirium, but he was gone, he had left her without a word, obviously he hadn't felt the same as her, for him it must have been a drunken nonsense.

The following days Chandler stayed away from her, he didn't want to see her, and not because he hadn't enjoyed her every moment as he had always done with her, not because he didn't realize how much he had missed her, just that he didn't know how to handle it.

All those months since he had seen her again he couldn't stop thinking, in two words, forgive and trust.

And now he was angry with himself, because he had drunk? …that he was looking for when he started drinking…. Perhaps he was seeking to cloud his mind to do exactly what his body and his heart were crying out for?

That had been a stupid act, he was furious for not having self-control.

That week everyone saw him strange, he was thoughtful, he seemed annoyed, they hadn't seen him like this in a long time, they are sure he was like that for the first few months after the breakup, but since he had arrived in Honolulu at least his external mood had changed, he had lightened up.

Judy asked him "Son, are you fine, something wrong"

"No Judy, it's all good, just the job a little complicated…. "

On Thursday when Chandler went to therapy he talked about what had happened and about his anger and the confusion he felt.

"Chandler, you hadn't had any alcohol in almost two years, why did you that night? asked Dr. Kalama.

"I don't know; I also ask myself that question…. when Monica entered the bar I needed a drink… she was beautiful…. I thought that with a few drinks I would overcome her…. But it was the opposite…"

"When you told me that in the sexual encounters you had during these months, you had only felt physical satisfaction, nothing emotional, is that right?" "Well, what did you feel in this meeting with Monica..." asked the doctor

Chandler pondered, ran his hand through his hair, sighed, and said, "Everything, …. as if nothing had stopped…. as if I had found the part of me that I had lost…. Fullness" ...

..."But that means nothing," continued Chandler.

"Why it doesn't mean anything, if you just told me that you mean everything, you mean fullness?" asked Dr. Kalama

"Look Dr. with effort and with your help I have managed to forgive her, get that weight off my shoulders, I am no longer angry because she chose to be with another man, whom she now assures she never loved, that she was confused …, I can understand what it says…"

"On the other hand," Chandler continued, "I've realized that no one has an obligation to love another person for a lifetime…. feelings can change... that's why I can forgive her, she had no obligation to love me as I loved her…. I put too many expectations in love, it's not her fault … " He are silent for a moment, he stood up and began to walk from one side to the other.

Chandler then sighed and said, "But…." And as he continued to walk in silence, running his hand through his hair and across his face, Dr. Kalama asked.

"But what? …..

"I was able to forgive her, I would like to have her by my side, I miss her…. I never stopped loving her even in the first moments, … but the worst of all the pain that she caused me, is that she destroyed my confidence … and I don't know if I can recover…. As I remain without confidence..."

Dr. Kalama looked at him through her glasses... "Chandler the only way is to talk, talk and talk to her as many times as necessary. Surely it will be painful for both of us to say and listen to what you suffered…. how her betrayal hurt you, and give her also the opportunity to speak and you pay attention to her sincerity…"

"Chandler, trust is built over time, with experiences and moments together, and I know that you know that because you've lived it before with her, during the time of friendship that took them to fully know each other, now you have to try to speak, do not walk away, look for moments to explain what you felt, what you feel now, promote meetings and talks. But above all you are patient with yourself and learns to give yourself time to time"

On Saturday morning, after a week without seeing each other after "that night", they met at the beach for the usual day of surfing for the children,

Monica knew that it was inevitable to find him there and he couldn't get away, she needed to talk, to know what that meeting had meant to him…. she felt very nervous, scared and hopeful at the same time

During a break from flying through the waves, Chandler approached Monica and told her

"Mon, I'd like to talk to you, if you agree, if you don't have another commitment, when we get back we'll leave the kids at home and we can go somewhere just to talk"

Monica quickly nodded, "Yes of course, I wanted to talk too."

Once they were alone they went to a park and after walking in silence they sat on a bench.

Chandler started to speak, he was nervous and his palms were sweating: "Mon, what happened the other night was unexpected…. But it also mobilizes my head a lot, my feelings, my wounds"

Monica was staring at him trying to get to read his soul through his eyes, she was scared by what he was going to say.

Chandler continued "You told me what happened to you and what you went through, what you thought you felt for Richard and you assured me what you really never stopped feeling for me"

"I believe you, but you have to know that your "mirage", your "cloud", your "dream" devastated me."

" It left me empty, with a broken heart, without understanding what had happened, what I had done wrong … you know I always tend to blame myself" Chandler said with a sad smile "I thought I was keeping my promise to make you happy... and I felt like the stupid one who always fails..." Chandler said looking into her eyes, they never stopped looking into each other's eyes.

And he continued "… but the worst thing is that I thought I knew you…. and I trusted you blindly… I could have accepted and understood that you explained that you no longer loved me, that living together would have been killing your feelings, … it could also have happened to me …. and in any case it would have been painful but honesty for both two ..… only if you had spoken before … if you had told me that you were realizing that you had strong feelings for him … it would have been infinitely painful for me, however I would have appreciated your honesty and I would have let you go in peace ... but you didn't tell me anything…. you decided to keep your feelings in secret and sleep with him and then return to our house and our bed … you were with him behind my back… knowing your behavior was devastating for me…, you knew me, you knew my story, what deceit, betrayal mean to me…..now the hard part is to recover is the confidence… you destroyed my trust…"

Monica couldn't hold back the tears that began to run down her cheeks. Her stomach clenched, her body trembled, he was right, she had behaved like shit, in his place he would never have done something like that to her, she was sure, she should have spoken to him when she started wanting to have a full relationship with Richard, but she didn't dare, how stupid! She didn't want to hurt Chandler and she chose to deceive him in the worst way, he's right, going back from being with Richard and lying in his bed was the worst thing she could commit, facing reality as the Chandler lived, just as he had just explained to her, he made her feel dirty, disloyal, the worst person, how he would trust her again after that.

Chandler tried to wipe them away, but they kept coming off her and there were too many to control, and he couldn't see her cry, he never had. But he had to continue...if they wanted a future he had to continue...

"And rebuilding it is the hardest thing for me…"

"Mon, I can't deny that I love you, I always loved you, even when you broke my heart, I can't deny that I miss you, and I won't deny that "that night" I felt whole again"

"…but the trust is there…still broken…in hundreds of pieces " and he remained silent.

Monica was silent, and after a couple of minutes she was able to speak.

"Chandler, I already explained to you what happened to me, and that I realized that I had never stopped loving you, you really are the only love of my life, and these last two years I didn't feel complete either"

And I also realize that whatever I say and feel, none of that is enough in the face of my behavior. I betrayed you in the worst way, I hurt you infinitely, and it was all the product of my confusion, my mistake, I was not aware of what I was doing, I believed I had every right to follow "the dream" and I found myself with a nightmare, but none of that excuses having behaved like a wretch. And I understand that you can never forgive me since I don't forgive myself either.

But the pure truth is that I love you, the pure truth is that at no time did I stop loving you, at the beginning of my delirium, the moments that I looked at reality, all my thoughts were about you and my children, they were always there, And when I began to wake up, not long after I had traveled to Paris, I missed you day by day, and although I tried to deny it to myself, every day I found myself thinking of you, I was just too scared for what I had done that I didn't dare go back. I felt trapped.

"I want and need to prove to you that what I did was a mistake… for which I will be eternally sorry. I want and need you to trust me again, one learns from their mistakes and I assure you that I will do what is necessary to recover the faith you had in me, it may take a while and I am willing to wait as long as it takes"

"Can I ask you something…" Monica said.

"Yes of course…"

"You hated me…." Monica asked looking down as she waited for the answer.

"I had all the feelings that exist, a lot of pain, bewilderment, anger, hatred, disbelief, hopelessness, insecurity…. I went from one to the other like on a carousel…" Chandler said with a slow voice looking towards the sea.

"The first hours were a whirlwind, I thought it was better to die to stop the pain, but fortunately soon I realized that the children were going to depend on me, and they needed me strong, that's when I decided not to drink alcohol or smoke"

Chandler continued, "I tried to keep all those feelings to myself, nobody was going to see them. But Ross and Joey made me understand that this physical and mental effort was going to make me sick, so I agreed to go to therapy, here in Honolulu I still go, and Joey also took me to the doctor who found that due to stress I had high blood pressure, but It's back to normal, exercise and surfing made me get in shape."

Monica listened to Chandler in silence, staring at him, tears streaming down her face.

After a long silence in which the two of them stared at the sunset over the sea, Monica took her hand and said

"Chandler, please give me a chance, don't walk away, I love you, you are the love of my life, let's repeat these moments to talk, talk about that terrible past, and try to see if there can be an us again, I want it, I need it to be complete"

"I repeat you, I was also and I am still devastated, even though it had not been long before I realized the mistake I had made, how I had confused my feelings, I realized that because of my mistake, my confused mind, my delirium, I had lost you, I had lost my family… I just kept holding on because I didn't know how to get back from the hole that I had gotten myself into…."

"Already in NY, the day I went to the warehouse, I opened the box with the photos and read your note, in which you told me that you had thrown away our wedding photos, our honeymoon photos, all our photos together …. I felt that I had nothing left, not even the memories…. I felt that I had not only lost you…. I felt that you hated me…. that I would never see you again..."

"And I'm not telling you this to move you, I don't even deserve your pity, ... I was dishonest, I hurt you in the worst way, I admit it and I don't forgive myself" "The pain I suffered doesn't compare to what I provoked you, which was infinitely greater"

"Now I just repeat…. give me a chance"

Chandler looked into her eyes, those eyes into which he was sinking, those eyes that he always seeks in the sea "We'll try, but let's go slowly, I need to finish healing my heart, and see what happens with confidence,"

"I'm going to wait as long as you need, I want to be your best friend again…"

"I think we still have a lot to talk about," Chandler said, and then said:

"Ok, let's go back, it's late, I left you in your apartment, "without going up" and she smiled at him.

"yes of course." Monica said returning the smile

"If it's okay with you, come home early tomorrow and we'll ride our bikes on the beach with the kids, and then we can all have lunch at home, your mom wants to make lasagna for everyone and she will surely need your help, you know that with Rachel and Phoebe, not you can count.