Chapter Title: Every Moment
Series Title: Unlikely Brothers
Ages in this chapter: Tanner (17) and Dashen (23)
Chapter Summary: Eight years after his death during the Jedi Purge, Ayden Yen is finally revealed to his former apprentice, Tannerlin, from within the Force with the help of Obi-Wan and Force-ghost Qui-Gon.
(Qui-Gon and and Ayden's 'Force' voices are in italics.)
"He's very distressed, Qui-Gon. I fear I may have erred in my judgement to reveal myself to him."
"Did you expect a different reaction, Ayden? Your apprentice has discovered that his dead master can see and hear him from within the Force. That you were able to find your center, calm your soul and give yourself completely to the Force upon your death and then managed a type of consciousness in the years since you were slaughtered in front of his eyes. That's an impossible load for a fully trained Jedi Knight to comprehend. Ask Obi-Wan if you chose not to believe so. Your boy is seventeen, partially trained and living a non-Jedi life while also in constant state of hiding from the Empire."
"This hurts him. More than I thought."
"You meant a great deal to him, Ayden. All of that 'there is no emotion' nonsense in the Jedi code be damned. That boy loved you. Such adventures you had ahead in your future as master and apprentice. Then you were taken from him in a matter of moments and in such a violent way. The entire Jedi order extinguished as well. His home, everything he knew, all gone. And he was there, alone on a foreign planet, injured and traumatized and dying."
"He was a strong child, Qui-Gon. When I hid him to save him, I knew he would survive. He did, but he hurt so badly. I did that to him. Hurt him. Now I've done it again."
Within the Force, Qui-Gon sighed at his old friend from years ago, reacquainted in death. Ayden was experiencing the same emotions he himself had felt when he'd revealed himself to Obi-Wan. His worst fear - that his former apprentice would cast blame and anger toward him for leaving him to train the boy who would ultimately bring about the Jedi slaughter and the rise of the Empire. The Chosen One.
It hadn't happened.
"I worried for Obi-Wan. I did. I feared that he would resent me for returning to him after all that had happened. But despite the anguish and pain, Obi-Wan had grown so much. It was difficult for him to speak with me again and eventually see me once more. There was a mixture of confusion and anxiety and I would say, a touch of anger. And naturally, an intense feeling of failure. But mostly there was relief. I could see and feel a weight lift from him. It was grief. He'd been holding onto it since I had passed. I know it's not exactly the same situation as you and Tannerlin, but the emotions are the same. You're right, Tannerlin is strong. He's overcome such difficulty to be where he is now. He's struggled, like Obi-Wan, with fear of failure and the wanting to not disappoint after we were gone. In the end, all they wanted was for us to be proud of them."
"I am very proud of my Padawan, Qui-Gon. I told him that this evening. You heard Obi-Wan relay the message."
"I know. But be proud of him for every moment, even when he failed, even when he decided against what a 'Jedi' would do in a situation. Or went against his past training. Be proud of him for not being afraid to hurt all these years after your death. Be proud of him for living the life you would want, but also living the life that made him happy, even through the pain of immense loss he felt for so long. Don't feel badly for him. Be brave for him. Encourage him. He will still wish for and listen to your guidance. He's made a good life from tragedy. Be proud of him for every single moment of that time, not just for what he's accomplished, but for each step he's taken, even those in the wrong direction. Or those that even got him into trouble. They've all made him what he is. You made him what he is. His...brother...has made him what he is."
Ayden acknowledged Qui-Gon's words and bowed his head slightly at his companion and teacher from within the Force.
"I understand. I see only the nine year old boy I left behind. Now he's a young man and I am proud of where he is, but I've not seen the whole of the journey that he's been on since my passing. And I fear that knowing those every steps, I may see things that disappoint me or I may question him in his decisions. I do not want to feel those things. Tannerlin is...sometimes I cannot see past the terrified and confused padawan that I pushed into a hole in the wall so that his life would be spared. And that's not fair to the boy I knew. It's not fair to who he has become."
"You've not hurt him, Ayden. The memory of you, of all that he lost not being with you for these last years, that is the hurt."
The profound conversation between the two Jedi Masters in the Force was halted when they moved back into the hovel. There, Tannerlin lay asleep on his side, face pressed into the shoulder of his brother, prone next to him on Obi-Wan's bed. Exhausted. Worn. Emotionally drained.
Qui-Gon reached out for his former apprentice, shimmering into ghost form. "Obi-Wan, how is he?"
Raising his head to see his old master, Obi-Wan finished laying a blanket over the pair. He hadn't much in his hovel, but offered what he could to his friends.
"Qui-Gon. Tannerlin is much like I was when you first reappeared. But different. He's struggling. He and I talked. Dashen was present. Part of the boy thinks that he needs to stay here and learn and train until he can know the ways that I have been taught so that he can one day speak directly to Ayden, or see him even. That same part of him can't quite comprehend that none of that is possible. Then he's angry with himself for even having those thoughts about leaving his home and more importantly, his brother. The life he has created on Terra. If I where to be completely honest, Master...right now, he's just lost in several different directions."
"I told you, Qui-Gon. I've hurt him. This is my fault."
Ayden spoke, though Obi-Wan could not see him. The man's partial ghost form - more like just a small blue shimmer - was extremely difficult to accomplish and was practically non-existent as he'd not yet become fully adept with Qui-Gon's complex teachings. Kenobi could hear him clearly, but the visual was elusive.
Nevertheless, Obi-Wan was confident about what he'd come to know about Tannerlin over the years. And he knew all too well the the unreal but familiar feeling of a dead beloved master suddenly reappearing into his established life. With all of that, he felt he could speak at least in part, for the sleeping Tannerlin Vai.
So he did.
"No, Ayden, you've not hurt him. This is simply how he must process an impossible situation. I had many challenging moments when Qui-Gon returned. I questioned everything and then questioned it all again. Tannerlin will always be devoted to your memory, Ayden. As I was with Qui-Gon. Nothing will ever change that. And he loves you with an affection that is quite rare in the galaxy. Even so many years later after your death. But he loves his brother as well. Part of this tears at him, thinking he must choose between the two people he cares for most in his life."
"It's not like that, Obi-Wan. Please make sure he knows that. That I am not taking anything from him, I just want to hear his voice, see him one more time."
Obi-Wan smiled at the transcendental voice. Such a strange situation. Exiled on a desert planet, speaking with a Force ghost and a Force ghost-voice of his beloved dead master and the dead master of a dear friend. More than one day had gone by that Kenobi would admit to seriously questioning his own sanity.
But not today.
"Ayden, I have explained that to him. He only needs rest. It has been an overwhelming day. So much to absorb and understand. Tomorrow is a new day. So, we must leave him to his own. His brother will look after him tonight."
"His brother has always looked after him."
"Indeed he has."
—-
The night was restless for Tanner. Obi-Wan kept watch as he slept, and eventually stepped in when the older brother's attempts to soothe were not sufficient. Kneeling next to the bed, Obi-Wan lay a soft hand on the boy's forehead.
"Rest, Tannerlin."
One touch and taut muscles relaxed, breathing steadied and the young man fell into a gentle sleep.
Dashen, trying hard without complaint (Obi-Wan was proud of him for that) to stay on the bed without rolling off or crushing his brother, was grateful for the interference by the Jedi.
"I swear, you guys and your fancy Force magic...but thank you. This is really hard for him."
"Unlike most Jedi, Dashen, your brother wears his emotions right out there for anyone too see. I can so easily feel his confusion, he's tried reaching to the Force to help. It has not aided him. I foresee that it will be strange and difficult for a time, but...he will be all right at the end of the journey."
"Ben, if he leaves me..." Dashen's voice broke just enough for the Jedi to hear a pang of desperation.
Obi-Wan shook his head. "He will not leave you." He comforted. "That
I can say for certain. Do not worry, Dashen." The older brother nodded, unconvinced, but trusting the Jedi's words. Obi-Wan held out a hand toward Dashen's temple. "You should sleep as well, Dashen. Yes?"
Asking for permission to Force-aid him in sleep as he had with Tanner. Dashen was normally opposed to it, but his heart hurt from seeing his brother in such an emotional state, so he nodded his acceptance.
"May as well. If not, I'm sure not gonna sleep much worrying about him. " He said, nudging toward the resting form pressed against his side. "Just...keep an eye on him for me, please?"
"Promise."
"Okay, go ahead. Hocus-pocus me with your magic."
"It is not magic, we have explained that to you countless times. Your brother and myself."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Part of my world is vastly different than yours, and to me? That's magic. So, go ahead and put me out. I'll feel better in the morning I hope."
"You will. Good night, Dashen."
"Night, Ben."
A touch to the head and within seconds Dashen too was resting comfortably.
Qui-Goi's affectionate voice spoke to Obi-Wan's mind.
"You are a natural teacher and a good friend, Padawan. And do not tell me otherwise. These two are important to you. You look after them during the limited times that you can. Making your moments with them much more important. Thank you for making me so proud in every moment, Obi-Wan."
"Well, not every moment, Master."
Immediately noticing where the train of thought was moving, Qui-Gon admonished the younger man and led him away from those darker memories.
"We will not delve into the past, Obi-Wan. Keep your concentration on the here and now where it belongs."
Qui-Gon's voice smiled at his former apprentice. How many times had he said those same exact words to him in their years together? Too many to count. It always helped to refocus the boy...and the young man that followed.
"Yes, Master. You should rest. I know your efforts from within the Force can be exhausting."
"They are and I must. Until tomorrow, Padawan."
"Good night, Master."
—-
Tomorrow came. Dashen woke first. Tannerlin needed a bit of assistance from Obi-Wan to resurface, having slept so soundly after the Force suggestion. They took two small plates from Ben. Food. Breakfast.
"It's not much. Toast. Bantha bacon that you adore so much, Dashen."
Dashen had already begun stuffing his face before their friend spoke, he hoped there was more. He had garnered an unhealthy obsession with bantha bacon.
"There is more bacon by the way, and no!" Ben flicked a hand toward Dashen's as he'd begun inching toward Tanner's plate to grab the uneaten slices of fatty goodness. Dashen's hand was invisibly pushed backwards. "You will not steal your brother's food. I just finished saying there is more."
"Damn Jedi." Dashen mumbled as Ben smirked at the young man's usual response when dealing with anything Jedi related. "He's not gonna eat it. Are you, Tanner?"
Tanner shoveled the bacon into his mouth and muffed out his answer. "Umm umy baygum...uhm mine."
"Fine. Claim your bacon. I'll just go and find the rest and eat it all."
"Here," Ben said. Magically floating the remainder of the bacon to Dashen's plate. He knew it would irritate him, but all in fun. The bacon landed softly on the plate.
"I can do that." Tanner chimed in. "I've gotten quite proficient with moving things. For a while when I was younger, well, for a long time really...most of the food I tossed around landed in the wrong places."
"Yeah" his brother countered, "Like in someone's face or hair or ears, nose...hell, you even managed to drop a bowl of stew right down Colton's newly fitted and freakishly expensive tunic. Man was he hot about that. And not just because of the second degree burns he suffered on his chest. Ha! That was great."
"That was not great, Dash. He had to get medical treatment, glared at me for a month and made me eat my meals outside for the next two weeks. In the rain."
"Yeah. That was great too."
The remaining slice of bacon on Dashen's plate raised itself into the air and then shoved itself up the man's nose. Tanner lowered his hand, got the giggles and rolled right off the bed.
Dashen cursed the Jedi once more but still ate the bacon.
"Damn Jedi."
"You see, Ayden," Qui-Gon said from their watch point. "You've not hurt him. You saved him those years ago. Because of that...this is where his life has led him."
"Yes, shoving bantha bacon up noses. A most interesting use of the Force. He wields it well."
Ayden smiled for the first time since Tannerlin had come to them. It was good to see. Qui-Gon was pleased as his companion was witnessing his former padawan in a life filled with light, despite the darkness in the galaxy all around.
"Are you ready for the day, my friend? And all the questions he may have for you?"
"I am, Qui-Gon."
—-
Jedi Master Qui-Gin Jinn sat back - as much as he could in his ghost-form - and listened to Obi-Wan play intermediary between a dead Master Ayden Yen and a seventeen year old Tannerlin Vai. Formerly master and apprentice in life; always master and apprentice in partial death. Jinn saw smiles and tears and laughter and sadness. Hurt and pain. Excitement and happiness. Most of all, he saw that same lifting of grief off of the boy's shoulders as had happened with Obi-Wan.
Also watching the exchange, though completely confused and totally lost during most of it, Tannerlin's brother, Dashen; the one who had found and saved the boy years ago. That single act of unselfish kindness allowing this entire moment to be. Dashen could not see Qui-Gon. He could not hear either of the master Jedi. He could see Ben talking to...no one...and then relaying invisible messages from a dead man to his former apprentice - Dashen's little brother. That little brother would react with laughter or tears or one of many other emotions and then speak directly to his master. Although Ayden could see and hear Tannerlin clearly, the opposite could not happen and as the older brother understood it, most likely never would. Dashen shook his head, either at the ridiculousness of it all or possibly only in immense confusion. Regardless, Qui-Gon could see that the older brother was content at what was happening. Jinn was well aware that Dashen could probably care less about himself or Ayden or any other living or dead Jedi in the galaxy, but there was no denying the love he had for his little brother. And that was enough.
Even Ayden snuck a peak at Dashen's reactions. The green eyes of the older brother never wavering from the sight of the younger. When Tannerlin smiled, Dashen smiled. When Tannerlin cried, Dashen set a soft hand on his arm. To Ayden, it warmed him and it made it less difficult to say goodbye when their day finally wrapped.
Ben called it. He knew Dashen had work to return to on Terra. That Tannerlin had school. That Qui-Gon was probably exhausted beyond the ability to even think coherent sentences. And that Ayden was, not only tired as well, but an emotional mess.
"Masters, we must find an ending here. Tannerlin?"
Tanner agreed. "It's okay, Ben. Dashen and me need to get home soon."
"Obi-Wan," Ayden spoke, "Thank you for your efforts to bring my padawan and I together. It has been something unexpected and miraculous and...I never thought I could miss him more than I already did."
Qui-Gon gave his friend a nudge and wink. Ayden nodded and asked Obi-Wan for one final thing.
"Obi-Wan, please tell Tannerlin...that I am grateful for his life and proud of every moment; every second that he's taken to get here. His missteps. His failures. His successes. His adventures. His sadness and his exhilaration and his heartache and hope...and...well, even his ability to stuff bacon up the nose of his brother and dumping hot stew down the shirt of this Colton person he also loves as family. I could wish nothing more of him than
what he has created for himself. I did not know what would happen
when I shoved him into that hole in the wall before my death. I knew...hoped...someone would come. And someone did - in the form of that brother of his. The one he loves so much. His family. I believe he is most fortunate in his life to have two people who love him so dearly. I am forever grateful to have had him in my life for two years and I entrust Dashen to look after him and take care of him from here as he had done since that fateful time. Everyday, Tannerlin, I will look forward to our next visit."
Relaying the message in pieces, Obi-Wan felt the conflicting emotions flying all over the boy's Force essence. Dashen, although he could not feel the same inner turmoil, he could see it on his brother. Stepping up as Ben continued to relay Ayden's words and escorting him to sit, Dashen set a comfortable arm around his little brother. Tannerlin immediately leaned into the touch. The loving words of his master. The loving actions of his brother. All at once. It made him smile and sob and all things in between.
On the other end, Ayden was doing the same. Qui-Gon offering his own support by standing close and sending calming waves toward the man. Both Jedi however were beginning to lose focus and connection. Obi-Wan felt it.
"Tannerlin, Ayden and Qui-Gon are struggling to maintain connection. They are very tired and must rest to reenergize. Ayden has much more continued training ahead of him in the coming months and longer. We have to say goodbye."
The boy nodded, sitting up from where he leaned against Dashen and appearing and sounding so much younger than his seventeen years.
"Master Ayden. Thank you for being my master. Thank you for being my family. Then and now. Thank you for saving me so that Dashen could find me. One day we will see each other again. I know we will. Everyday, Master, I will look forward to our next visit." He echoed the final words of his master, sending Ayden into his own emotional whirlpool. "I love you, Master. Always."
Dashen pulled him close again and whispered something into his brother's ear, from which Tannerlin spoke up again.
"Oh, and Master? Dashen wants you to know, well, I don't know why he just doesn't tell you himself, since you can hear him, but my brother is weird." That brother pushed him playfully not he shoulder. "Yeah, okay, so Master Ayden, Dash said he promises to always look after me, but he said if I stuff bacon up his nose one more time - I've done it before - then he may disown me forever. So, he wanted me to tell you that. But it's okay. I still love him. He's my big brother."
Despite the struggle to stay connected, Ayden managed to hear every word and see every joyful emotion on his padawan's face with that final part of their visit.
"Bye, Master! I love you!"
Ben again. "He loves you as well, Tannerlin. And he's laughing at you both. You've made him very happy. But all right...he's lost connection. Qui-Gon?"
Jinn's ghost had vanished but he had enough left to hold the voice connection. "Here, Obi-Wan, but I must go. Very tired now. You make me proud every moment, Padawan. Never forget that. Get them on their way home safely. I will speak to you soon."
—-
It took Tannerlin time to work through his tears and random laughter and every other emotion that had smacked him in the heart, but Ben wandered with him through a series of deep breathing meditation exercises while Dashen packed their things. It helped immensely.
"Come, Tannerlin." Ben held out his arms, accepting the boy into a hug. Tanner wasn't tall, but rather a tad below average for his age, so he was inches shorter than Ben and tucked in nicely. "Now, I want you to listen to me," he said as he released him and held him away. "Don't fight the emotions that will knock you to the floor in the coming days. It's normal. You'll feel the lows and the highs and that's all right. Cry. Laugh. Whatever you have to do. I have been there. It's confusing and it hurts like hell. But for each bit of sadness, I want you to promise me you will remember something good."
Tannerlin nodded hard. "I promise. I understand."
"Good. And you." Ben pulled a reluctant Dashen into a hug next. Refusing to let him go until he complained. Dashen was a few inches taller than Obi-Wan, but had not the power of the Jedi Master to pull away on his own. "Live well. Behave yourself. Love your brother. That's all I ask."
Pushing his black hair behind his ears and grinning, Dashen agreed. "I can handle that. Well, I'm not too sure about the second one, but I will try my best. Thank you for giving him this time, Ben. I know I don't get all of this, or I maybe don't care about it or whatever, it's all very weird. But he's a good kid and deserves nothing but good. This...this was his best day. He may not know it yet, but it was."
Rarely did Ben and Dashen agree on things, but they did on this.
Ben nodded toward the bag on the floor. "All packed?"
"We are. Same as before?"
"Yes, speak with the bartender, Raalu. You have your credits. Your trip home should be uneventful. As usual, you comm me your code when you arrive safely. I want to know. Do not forget. Tannerlin?"
"I won't forget, Ben. I will see you next time." Another hug, this one generated by Tannerlin who spoke into his friend's robe. "I love you, Ben."
It was Obi-Wan's turn for emotion. And he returned the same to his young friend. The type of apprentice he'd alway imaged he would have had upon his Knighting. If only...so many things...
"I love you as well, Tannerlin."
Obi-Wan caught a glimpse of Dashen just past Tannerlin's head. Dashen shrugged.
"The kid likes to hug, what can I say?" They shared a smile before he grabbed his brother's arm. "Come on, Mouse. Gotta go before dark. Until next time, Kenobi! Stay weird!"
Obi-Wan watched them go, feeling his own wave of sadness mixing with the events of the last two days. It was then that an internal tendril of comfort washed his way. Qui-Gon. Even in his exhausted state, he still took the moment to console his former apprentice.
Accepting the familiar and most welcomed gesture, Ob-Wan watched the pair of Vai and Lesedi vanish into the desert.
Until next time.
END
