Chapter Title: Feel

Series Title: Unlikely Brothers

POV: Colton

Ages in this chapter: Tanner (17) and Dashen (23)

Chapter Summary: After the events of "Every Moment" (Chapter 47) when Tannerlin finds about about Master Ayden in the Force, the brothers return home and Tannerlin receives some needed guidance from Colton.


"How was the..."

My words stopped mid-sentence as the short teenaged torpedo hurried in the door, aimed right at me and tossed his arms about my mid-section.

"...visit?"

I managed to finish as Tannerlin secured the hug. Glancing at his brother who'd followed in behind him, I raised a questioning eyebrow.

"I'll explain later," Dashen replied before reaching for the travel bag that Tannerlin had dropped on his way to stick to my ribs. Not that I wasn't, by now, used to the kid's affinity for hugs, even as he'd gotten older. I just hadn't expected it after what I assumed had been one of his normal twice-yearly visits to Tatooine to visit that Ben Kenobi character.

"So..." I reached a hand down and scratched the boy's head. "Does this hug have an end game or do I need to drag you with me to my security team meeting this evening?"

Yup. That got him and he released me.

"You all right, kid?"

He shrugged. "I will be. I'm gonna go lay down for a while. I have school and one of my final teaching credit classes in the morning. I should rest to be ready."

My head moved and down in a nodding motion, but I was generally confused. Dashen saved me from more of it by running the kid upstairs.

"Go on, Mouse. Get cleaned up. Grab a snack too! You hardly ate on this trip. Bad enough you eat like a damn Endorian chicken. When I was your age, I ate about fives times a day."

Tannerlin with the glare. "I'm not a child, Dash. I know how to eat. Are you coming up?"

"Soon." And the kid wandered up the stairs.

"Yes, so, he's a bit off." We're my first obvious words to his brother. Something go wrong with the hermit Jedi?"

"Actually something went very right, I guess. I think. It was all very weird. To me. I imagine to him as well, but well...it was weird."

Dashen proceeded to give me the quick version of what had transpired on Tatooine. Complete with the story that there were five of them there, kind of. One of them a ghost. One them a wannabe ghost. One of them could talk to the ghost and to the wannabe ghost. Tannerlin who could not see or hear either, but both ghost and wannabe ghost could hear and see him. And then Dashen who felt like he was on some type of hallucinogen-spice high the entire time.

"It was the most confusing two days of my life, and I've had a lot of confusing days. But here we are and he's trying to figure it all out."

"I can imagine. Well, this is a good thing? Isn't it?"

"It is. Just really weird. I keep saying that, but it was. Ben thinks he'll be a little off kilter for a few days. So, just go easy on him. Treat him normal, but a little slack would be appreciated. And if you see him just sitting in a corner somewhere crying...well, apparently that may be normal too. You'd think after eight years with the kid I'd have it all figured out by now, but these Jedi were an odd bunch. Or maybe it's me. At this point maybe I should give up trying to quantify it all."

Well, this had the beginnings of being an interesting rest of the week. But, "I will keep his emotional state in mind."

"Good, because there might be more hugs."

"Of course there might be."

—-

And there were. More hugs. Tannerlin left for school the next day. Hugged me. Came home from school. Hugged me. And this went on for three days until I mentioned it to him. Curious was all.

"Hey kid, how was school?"

"Okay. You know, I'm working with Miss Esher as her teacher's aid, but still finishing my final year. It's a lot and I've been having trouble focusing."

"Indeed. You've been hugging me a lot, I noticed. A little clingy?"

Oh damn. The head went down, the face flushed slightly. I'd just made a young man feel like a simple child. Crap.

"Sorry, kid. Not that I mind them, just curious."

"Of course you mind them. Well, so many of them." The giant couch to his left was in his sights and he moved to it, taking his boots off before plopping down. At least he remembered the rules I'd had in place since he and his idiot brother moved in. I sat next to him.

"The hugs are okay. You don't seem all that okay though."

A shrug as he lay his head back against the soft cushions. His seventeen year old features seeming so much younger at the moment. "I have trouble trying to figure out how I'm supposed to feel. Ben said this would happen. It's just a lot harder than I thought."

"How so?"

"I really do want to be happy for finding out about Master Ayden, but I can't help but be sad about it at the same time. Then when I'm sad, I want to remember the good stuff. I promised Ben I would. Sometimes I just want to cry about it. Sometimes it's numbing. This morning I was giggling about it. Yes, giggling. I'm seventeen. I haven't giggled in a year, Colton."

"That's a bad thing?"

"I don't know, that's the problem."

The front door opened and Dashen limped in, covered in dirt from head to toe, large orange bag in his hands. Job successful apparently. He stopped quietly and I waved him by. Tannerlin was going somewhere this conversation, and cutting it short would not be my best decision if I ever wanted my couch back. Dashen didn't speak, but walked to the kitchen, grabbed a hand towel and cleaned his face and hands. Listening all the while.

"So you laugh, you cry, you apparently still giggle, you get numb, anything else?"

"Confused. Angry. Excited. Worried. Happy."

"So all the colors of the emotional spectrum. That actually sounds a lot like you in general, kid."

"It's stupid, but I'm afraid that if I'm sad, I should be happy, and if I'm happy, I should be sad. You understand?"

"Not really," Understatement of my life, "but what's wrong with feeling both at different times?"

"They're all mixing together. Gets me all discombobulated. I don't like feeling that way. You're old and wise, Colton, what should I do?"

Oh good. Because I was exactly the person who one should ask about complex emotional dead-Jedi ghost issues. And...wait a damn minute...I was old? No. No. I promised Dash I'd give the kid some slack, so just let that one go, Virgil, yes. All right. Let that one go.

"Kid, I really have no idea. This is beyond my area of anything. Did you talk to your brother...no wait, bad thought. See. This is why illegal activity is my thing, it's what I'm good at. That and making money and having big houses. I can't do the therapy thing. I can talk to Healer Quin. She may know someone at the hospital who specializes in this stuff...no wait never mind. That won't work either. The whole Jedi-in-hiding-because-of-giant-red-target-on-your-back thing. Can't put you and your buddy Ben

at risk too. Okay, I'm um...I can't. Dashen?" I called over in desperation to the older brother still listening from the kitchen.

He only shook his head at me; also at a loss. Also leaving me to fend for myself. Idiot.

Back to the kid. Okay. "So, this Ben fellow. He is wise, yes?"

Tannerlin's light brown eyes met mine without moving his head from the cushion. Since the second he'd walked through my door those years ago, those eyes always got me. There was nothing spectacular about them with their plain color and simplicity, but they spoke volumes.

"He is." The kid answered. "Very. And he told me how I would feel and that all this would be normal and that I would live all these things...but hearing that you'll feel this way and then actually feeling this way, two totally different things."

"Well, all right. So maybe you should just remember what he said and then accept how you feel at any moment, work through that moment and then focus on the next. You could take a couple days off school to try and clear your head. I'm sure your teachers and Miss Esher would understand if you told them you were having some health issues to work through. Oh, so no, huh?"

He was shaking his head profusely at me.

"No. Miss Esher needs me as an aid and I need my teaching credits so I can be an assistant next year. They need me there, I always help with...l can't miss...I shouldn't miss..."

"You should miss. Two days won't make a difference, kid. You worry too much. You've always been a worrier since you and that annoying idiot hiding out in the kitchen burst into my house years ago. Maybe stop worrying about what to feel and just feel."

He thought about it. My oddly sage words. I wasn't absolutely certain where they had come from, but perhaps...

"Just feel them? So, when I get happy, allow myself to be happy. And sad and on and on. I can do that." Head raised off the cushion, I could see his mood changing for the better.

"You can."

"And I can take two days off."

"You can do that too."

"I'd like two days off," came the idiot in the kitchen chiming in.

"You've got work, remember?"

"Damn it!" Came his response, which naturally made the little brother laugh.

"So, it's settled. You send a message to Miss Esher that you will be out the next two days. You rarely miss days, kid, this won't set you back. I'm sure you can make up the teaching credits next week."

Stretching backwards again onto the couch cushion, there was that thoughtful look of innocence on his face. The one I'd become used to seeing over the years. It was replacing the worried one that had this peculiar ability to always make him seem younger than he was.

"So, what do I do for the next two days?" He finally asked me.

"Something just for you. What did you and Ayden do for downtime when you were at the Jedi Temple?"

"Meditate."

Okay, I'd walked right into that one. Of course they did that. "Other than that, you did things for pleasure, fun, relaxation? And please don't say meditate again."

"But we did."

"Fun, Tanner, fun!" Came the annoying kitchen voice again.

Tannerlin continued. "So, not meditation, okay. Oh, we went to the Temple Gardens and sat in the flowers to watch the insects."

I cocked my head to the side. "You sat in flowers and watched bugs. Well, that sounds thrilling. And maybe it was. But do you have anything else? Day trips or games or...I really have no idea what Jedi did for anything. Help me out here, kid."

More thinking. Too much thinking. Apparently Jedi did very little for fun. Or at least what the rest of of us saw as fun.

"Oh, I got it!" He finally said. "Once a week we would go get pala cream shakes at a local diner and visit with the owner, Dex. He was this big fat lizard guy with four arms and funny teeth and pants that would keep falling down, and he loved to hug and laugh and...yes. That was fun!"

Finally. Didn't help much, but at least we had something. Now, how to apply this to now. No idea. I was stuck on that part.

"Seriously, Colt, I can help here." Dashen again in all of his filth covered glory as he wandered in from the kitchen.

"Do not even think about sitting on that couch, Lesedi."

"I wasn't going to and my hands are clean." He showed me his hands waving them almost in my face, until he realized that I was about to slap them off of his arms.

"But the rest of you is not anywhere close to clean." I glared. "So, how in all your amazingly wise wisdom of twenty-three years can you help?"

"I need two days off."

Did we not just discuss this? "You work, no."

"You can get Mykal to run for you. She's been hounding for work anyway. Grunley's been running her the last couple months, but she's always looking to pick up jobs."

"She's not as reliable as you are, which confuses me to say, but...wait, what exactly is your idea if I gave you days off?"

"I can..." His butt began to curve toward the couch.

"Damn it, Dashen."

He stood, catching himself. "Sorry. I stink, don't I? Is that me? Must be me. Wow."

"Dashen." Another glare pushed in his direction.

"Seriously though. There's a diner in Vale. Good stuff. Happy place."

"Vale is on the other side of the planet. Not a day trip."

"Then we go for a few days. And it's not that long a trip if you let us take a speeder that's not from the ancient days. Hey, you could even go with us!"

I shook my head. "Not a chance."

"Colt, listen. I've been to Vale. My folks took Kossi and I there a couple of times. It has the diner, it even has gardens with flowers and those other boring things Tanner likes. We can do it in two days. I'll make it back in plenty of time for my runs this weekend. Swear it. I'll even work my day off next week."

At this point, Tannerlin was interested. He glanced over to me with a raised eyebrow and attentive smile. "All right. Your call, kid. If you want to spend two long days stuck alone with your brother eating junk food and playing with bugs..."

"I really do want to remember the good. I promised Ben. I promised Master Ayden. I can't dwell on the sad so much, it's

not productive and it's not who I want to be."

I smiled at him. "Who's the wise one now?" Reaching over I gave his still-existing Jedi braid a small tug. It was well camouflaged now with his shoulder-length hair, but pronounced enough with it's style and small white band holding it all together. It was a habit I'd started with him a while back. He'd always said that his master used to do it in an affectionate gesture. I couldn't be that person to him, but I could be someone who gave a damn. So, it became our thing as well.

My words and action were rewarded with a grin and he leaned into me for a short moment.

I got up, grabbed the orange goodie bag from Dashen and started pushing the pair on their way.

"Tannerlin, leave a message for your teacher. Then get packed for your trip. I will have Sydenious prep a speeder for you and yes, Dashen it will have the ability to outrun a Hutt. And for the love of all that is ripe, man, get a damn shower. You smell like bantha dung. Where have you been anyway?"

"All part of the job, Colt. All part of the job. This is why I'm your best runner. I'll do it all. Slug through bantha poo, get slimed by gelagrubs, bitten by ruggers. All in a days work."

"Dash, none of that stuff happened to you." Tannerlin, saving me from calling the idiot an idiot again.

"Not today, no, but at varying times. Today? Well, today I fell into a septic pool after being chased by the crazy-eyed flying toad-type creature who I stole that from." He pointed to the orange bag. "Apparently, the creatures cannot see, but they hunt by smell.

I lost the thing when I fell into the septic pool. Because again, apparently, although they travel by smell, even they cannot smell human scent after one takes a dive into sewer slime. So, there. And I will leave you now to take a three hour shower. And Colton, I know what you're about to say, but this idiot did manage to haul in the loot for you, which is in that orange bag, but I warn you, as it also ventured into the sludge with me, you might want to have your people clean it before you remove it. Just a suggestion. And now I shall retreat up the stairs and try not to contaminate the apartment as I go."

It as a good laugh we shared then. Tannerlin and I. At the expense of his brother of course. Though at this point in his life,

I really don't think Dashen cared one way or the other. And if it lightened the emotional load on his little brother, it served it's purpose.

I ushered the younger one up the stairs. "Go on now, kid. You've got a couple days to figure things out. Just be easy on yourself, all right? Don't think so hard. Just feel."

A thoughtful stare from those pale brown eyes. "That's something Master Ayden would say; that he did say to me when I was his apprentice. Those exact words actually."

"Well then, perhaps I am wiser than I thought. Get upstairs now before septic boy has your entire apartment smelling like sewer sludge."

"He'd better stay out of my room." Tannerlin ran for the steps and took them two at a time bounding upwards. "Dashen! Stay out of my room until don't smell like bantha dung! I know you hear me! Dashen!"

The door slammed and I was left to myself again. I really hadn't a clue what just transpired, but it appeared to have been helpful to a kid that had grown so much in eight years. From a terrified stick-thin little boy who had lost his world...to a young man of seventeen set on a future of teaching and positivity, while never forgetting his past and those he loved now...and then.

I suppose I counted myself as one of those persons.

Eight years ago I would have never admitted to needing anyone. I didn't feel much in the way of attachment to any other person. Not to any true extent.

Today, I think I needed those two as much as they seemed to need me.

It was all so unexpected, but I'd come to an understanding that this was what my life was supposed to be. And I was perfectly okay with it all.


END