Chapter Title: Despondence

Series Title: Unlikely Brothers

POV: Dashen

Ages in this chapter: Tanner (12) Dashen (18)

Chapter Summary: The boys travel to Tatooine to visit Ben when the Jedi is overwhelmed with the weight of living isolated in the desert.


As hugs go, it was important. I got that feeling immediately.

No. On second thought, it was more than important. It was what... desperate? Needy? Maybe all of those things.

We weren't scheduled for the trip here. We'd come only after getting a coded message. One that my little brother said couldn't be ignored. Did he sense something through that crazy Force stuff or just read between the lines of the message? I couldn't know. But it was enough that he took off school (yes, this kid who loves school so much that he never misses a day - strange child that he is) and somehow convinced Colton to pull me off of all my runs for him that week. Thankfully, I had no jobs for anyone other than Colton, so once the begging and pleading had stopped, Colton agreed. Suckered by a twelve year old boy. Again.

We'd landed here. Tatooine. Hot as hell and I'd be picking sand out of various holes in my body for the next month. It was not a nice planet to live on. I imagine it was much less so when you were essentially a desert hermit living in a hovel in nothing but empty solitude. Well, except for the sometimes Force ghost that would appear before you - in the form of a long dead Jedi Master. But that was another weird story. Damn Jedi.

Approaching the hovel, I'd been bitten by an Eopie and had sand kicked in my face by the flying feet of my brother as he stumbled and ran across the unsteady ground to get to his destination.

That destination? One brown-clad, beard-wearing, way-to-serious, Jedi-in-exile. It was his Eopie that had bitten me and his churning sand that had been flung into my eyes. Fun times already.

As annoyed as I was, Tannerlin was just the opposite. He threw himself so hard at the Jedi - aka Ben Kenobi - that he almost knocked the man backwards. Small arms tightened around the man's ribs in a death grip.

Funny thing was, the death grip was returned. Important. Desperate. Needy. Yup, all those things and more. Ben seemed like someone who was begging for human contact. Someone he could touch. Someone he could talk to. Someone of light. Someone who was here, simply because they cared.

Those things were my little brother all wrapped up into one small tunic-clad package.

And then there they were, clinging to each other like life-rafts.

Tanner hugged all the time. I often had to pry him off of me or run in the opposite direction to avoid some of them. Those he cared about, he loved with a depth that was difficult to understand. I understood it though. I'd once had another brother - related by blood - that I'd loved that deeply. Tanner carried it beyond just one person. Beyond me. Beyond Colton. Beyond his dead master Ayden. We'd stumbled - or were guided here - to this Ben guy a couple years ago and although he couldn't share with us why he must stay on Tatooine for the remainder of his life, it didn't take much to see or imagine how excruciating and grueling it was here. Hell, I hated the place and I'd spent as little time visiting as humanly possible. But that first meeting, once Tanner found out Ben was a Jedi... the kid latched himself to the guy and hadn't let go. Instant bonding of things I would never understand and truly didn't want to. I had my own issues, thank you very much.

This visit though, this was different. There was heartbreaking weariness in Kenobi's face that hadn't been there the last time. Maybe his past wearing on him. Maybe this damned desert doing the same. It wasn't normal for a person to spend their life alone in a desert, isolated from others, talking to the ghost of their dead teacher. In fact, that was as far from normal as one could get. And yet, here he was.

Tanner didn't release the hug and from what I could tell, Ben wasn't letting go either. In fact, it wasn't until the man looked up and to the south of his hovel and then closed his eyes... to feel something? That's when the pair finally split apart.

"Sandstorm coming." Ben said. "Inside. Quickly."

No point in arguing. We'd seen the power of those storms and they weren't to be messed with. Left outside without protection and well...

Tanner gave a brief hesitation and Ben instinctively knew what worried him. Yup, it was that damn blood thirsty Eopie. Of course it was.

"Come, Tannerlin. Sam will be fine. He's a native and has weathered many storms."

Inside, we listened as the storm quickly smothered the hovel. It would be a time before the air outside was clear enough to venture out, so Tanner sat himself on the edge of Ben's bed. The bed was the focal point of the main room, the area doubling as both bedroom and living space. Ben didn't have many visitors so two chairs and a bed was really all there was. He sat in the chair closest to the bed. I said my hellos, completely forgotten between the extended hug and the sandstorm.

"Good to see you again, Ben. Don't mind me. I'm just along for the ride."

Ben stood and reached over to set a snug hand on my shoulder. "Always wonderful to see you, Dashen."

Liar. But I allowed it and didn't really care one way or the other. Ben tolerated me and that was okay. I think he actually did like me, which was a positive, especially since Tanner wasn't ever venturing onto Tatooine without me. Not with he and Ben having giant red targets on their backs, now and forever. The Empire would gun them down in a second. The best I could do was keep an eye on the kid on the rare times when he decided to go off-planet.

Our greeting done, Ben turned to my brother who sat eagerly awaiting their conversation. I swear, the two of them could talk about dirt and Tanner would find it the most fascinating story he'd ever heard. To each his own, I figured.

"I missed you, Ben." Tanner started. "I was surprised to get a message from you. Are you all right?"

Always right to the point with the people he cared about was Tanner. But his concern was warranted. Ben looked pretty damn horrible. And that was saying something considering he was a desert dwelling hermit with a past that was apparently too horrific to talk about.

"I am... struggling in recent weeks, Tannerlin. It's why I sought you out. Actually, Qui-Gon suggested it. Apparently conversing with a Force ghost is not all the stability and comfort I need in my life." Ben's lips turned upward in what I counted as a smirk, but it was far from the similar expressions we'd seen on him in the past. Yeah, talking to dead people did a number on your psyche. Who would have thought it?

"Ben," I said, interrupting, "Excuse my bluntness, but you look like hell."

"I expect nothing else from you, Dashen, except bluntness. Honesty is hard to come by these days. And I... well, I've been feeling quite like hell recently. Too long a story and much too boring for you, but I needed to see and touch and talk to an actual person. Not a ghost. Not a voice. Not a bounty hunter, or moisture farmer, or bartender who would sell me out in a heartbeat. Just someone to help me feel a bit less weary than I do."

There went Tanner again, rolling out another hug. This time arms wrapped around Ben's neck instead of his ribs, and the kid murmured, "I love you, Ben."

Yup, it's a word he reserved for only three people in his life. Well, four if you counted the dead one, and unlike most, he was never afraid or too embarrassed to break it out. If this kid loved you, he'd tell you. He'd show you. I suspected it's why Ben coded us to begin with. He knew Tanner would, in a way, be the therapy he craved to allow him to move into the next extended stretch of desolate days. It was a fact I knew well from experience. Tanner had been my therapy more times than I could count in our three plus years together.

Ben hugged him right back. Still needy. Still desperate.

"I love you as well, Tannerlin. Thank you for telling me. You've no idea how much it means. I'd tell the same to your brother over there, but he and I have more of a 'don't you ever hurt my brother and you and I will get along just fine' relationship."

"Nah," Tanner said, still latched to Ben's neck. "Dash likes you, he just thinks you're weird."

"And boring," I added, holding a single finger into the air. "Don't forget boring."

"Ah, if Dashen only knew my entire past." Ben replied as he and Tanner parted ways again and Tanner set his butt back down on the edge of the bed. "Story for another time or for never really. I am very glad to see you,Tannerlin. And you by default, Dashen." He smiled. It was genuine. I nodded my agreeing toward him.

"How long did you want me to stay, Ben?"

"I know it's not our usual training plan, you're normal visit would be another few months from now... I would quite enjoy spending time with you. And your brother." That was me. The afterthought. "We can do some training if you'd like. If a week is too long...?"

Tanner glanced at me. He didn't need to plead. His pale brown eyes

said it all. They always did. Ben was his friend - part of his small family - and he needed help... comfort. Tanner could be that for him, or at least some of it. I raised eyebrows and felt the corner of my mouth upturn which apparently signaled Mr. Hugs-a-lot to shoot himself toward me. Arms around my neck, not intentionally strangling me, but doing a damn good job of it.

"Thank you, Dash!"

"I know, I know. Don't get all squishy. Go hug Ben again."

Ben held up a hand. "Perhaps we should save the next hug for later." He went on to suggest pod racing in nearby Mos Espa. "And Dashen, I know you have a sweet tooth, there's a lovely old lady on the trip there who can bake the most wonderful of pastries. Including those pala sweet cakes that certain Jedi worshiped on Coruscant."

Pod racing sounded interesting. I'd seen star racers before, even bet on a few in recent years. Colton enjoyed gambling as part of his criminal ways, so we sometimes would watch live holos of the races. Never seen a race in a desert before though. Could be interesting. That and who was I to argue with delicious baked goods?

Three days into our visit and I'd stuffed myself so full of those addictive pala sweet cakes, I wondered if I might not fit in the seat on the transport home. But who really cared? It was worth it. My stomach agreed. Tanner loved the pod racing. He'd never showed much interested in anything mechanical other than just knowing the basics of how things worked, but if Ben liked it, you would put money on my little brother enjoying it as well. Even if he didn't, he'd act like he did, if for no other reason than to allow his older friend a respite from the impossible life here on Tatooine.

For myself, a chunk of me wanted to wander off to the neighboring planet of Bedlam. I'd been there twice before. It was fabulous. But the brother part of me couldn't bring myself to leave. Sure I was bored out of my skull at times while Tanner and Ben discussed Jedi stuff and almost put me to sleep with trying to explain meditation exercises and why the Force works and how and Gah! I really didn't give a crap. I spent a lot of hours watching holo-films on Tanner's data pad while they did their Jedi thing. The few times I dragged my eyes away from that data pad to watch the odd couple before me. Beyond the intense boredom, I saw a joy in both faces. To be honest, it wasn't all that strange of an expression in Tanner... but in Ben... it was almost as if a planet-sized weight was lifted from his shoulders. Temporary? Oh most definitely. For once though, a temporary fix didn't matter one damn bit.

The last night of our visit, Tanner tried his hardest to stay awake to keep Ben company. Ben, who had been delegated, by choice, to an improvised sleep couch, having given up his bed to Tanner and me. The kid had little left though and sleep beckoned. He'd adjusted his position right before he fell into the unconscious world so that he was tucked solidly against me. Almost as if letting me know that he still loved his big brother, despite the intense attachment to Ben this week.

An hour after he slept, Ben spoke to me in the moonlit darkness of the main room. Still tucked in next to my brother on the bed, I could make out Ben's face, covered in a dim blueness that shone in through the window. His mood was mellow but less desperate than when we'd arrived.

"He's quite remarkable, Dashen. Your brother."

"He is," I agreed quietly. "I'd say that my life would be vastly different without him. And that means something considering that if I hadn't found him, I'd have been dead long ago." My story, Ben knew. My life as a suicidal emotionally broken fifteen year old. Then I'd found this kid hiding in a wall, having lost everything that meant anything to him, and it gave me something to live for again. "But he's got this affect on people that he loves. And even those that are outside of his circle. There aren't many genuinely good people in the galaxy anymore. Maybe there never has been all that many. But this kid is one of them."

"I appreciate you allowing him to visit." Ben admitted to me.

I snorted. "Allowing him? Had I told him no when your comm message came in, he'd have dragged me here with his Force magic, but seeing as how his control of things is limited to objects not as heavy as a larger brother, the drag would have been quite painful for me. So, for my own physical well-being, I skipped all that unnecessary battering pain and here we are."

"However it happened, it was most welcomed."

"Yeah, I get it." I didn't. Not really. Not completely. But I understood loneliness and heartbreak. I also understood being lifted from those things, even for a short time. Ben... I didn't envy him or his life, but if my brother could help in even the smallest of ways...

"Ben, I don't get your kind. Never will. Don't want to. Tanner though, he would've made a hell of a Jedi. That wasn't his destiny. But maybe this is. You. Him. Finding each other. Just like he and I found each other."

That was it. All the depth I had. It probably confused Ben, I suspect he didn't think much of my profound ability for thought, but I was what I was.

"There was a prophecy I read long ago. Qui-Gon was a student of prophecies, so I spent much of my first few years in the Temple Archives reading and studying them."

"That sounds thrilling." I smirked.

Ben returned the gesture. "It was... not. Trust me." He said with a dry humor. "Some of the prophecies I learned about, sadly came to pass, however, there were many that were lesser studied. One of them, something to the effect of 'born of loss, after sacrifice of many, a bond of two will come and offer new life.' That may not be exact, it's been many years since I studied them and even longer for the lesser ones... but perhaps."

Great. Not only did I have to deal with magical powers, but now ancient prophecies that possibly foretold future events? "Yeah, you'll have to believe in that stuff for me, Ben. I can't fill my head with mumbo jumbo from old dead people that who knows what it really means."

"Qui-Gon believed in them. It took me many years to understand why. And there is no way to know what each exactly means, but it's not out of the realm of possibility. I would've never believed in my younger years, but things have happened... one could interpret this one to be about Tannerlin and yourself, Dashen."

Yeah. No. I shook my head in the negative. "Could mean you and Tannerlin too, if you want to believe them so badly. Ultimately, it doesn't matter. Seriously. Wether it really was destiny or just dumb luck... and don't tell me Jedi don't believe in luck. Me and Tannerlin, you and Tannerlin... it was meant to be in some weird way. I need him. You need him. Hell, even Colton needs him. I'm not gonna think too much into it. That'll just make my head hurt and I have more important things to do than battle headaches when I don't need to."

Silence for a bit, and I thought maybe Ben had fallen into that humdrum meditation stuff that he and Tannerlin got so much from. No. He was awake. Just pondering. Relaxed. Content. I heard it in his voice when he finally spoke again.

"It's a lighter feeling that I've had in many months. I am grateful."

"Yeah, Tanner makes people feel that a lot. I hope it lasts for you, Ben. I do. I know it probably won't, but you deserve a break from all of this. Even if it's just for a week. You, here. It's intense and lonely. And that's only the parts I see during the short periods we're here." I yawned. Tired.

"I should sleep, we've got a long day of travel tomorrow."

I felt Ben smile at me even though I could no longer see his face. A smile. That was nice. Maybe he didn't despise me quite as much as before.

—-

The last day, the pair shared stories of the past. Good ones. Something to leave them both warmed in a stream of contentment that I truly did hope would last for Ben longer than the hours after we'd left.

Packed and ready now. Ben held Tanner's face between his hands, wiping at the few inevitable tears from my brother. Always the emotional kid. Tanner pushed his forehead to Ben's. No words were spoken. The Force at work I guess. Didn't know. Then small arms latched onto Ben's neck.

"I'll miss you. Don't be too sad, okay?"

"I will try, Tannerlin. I will try. You be well and look after Dashen."

Tanner released him and Ben held him away.

"Tell your Master Qui-Gon that I said hello."

Yup, in true Tanner form. Even cared about the dead ghost Jedi that he'd never met.

Grin covering his bearded face, Ben let out a short laugh. "I certainly will."

I nudged Tanner with a shoulder. "Mouse. We need to go. You know the rules about traveling after dark around here."

"I know. Sam will get us to the spaceport safely."

Sam. That nefarious blood thirsty eopie. I'd forgotten he was our ride to port. "How about you ride and I'll walk. Sam and I aren't on very good terms. My arm still hurts where he took a chunk of skin off."

Ben and Tanner exchanged a look - an eye roll? Really? Damn Jedi.

"Too long and hot to walk, Dashen, you know that." Ben chimed in. "Tannerlin will see that Sam behaves and refrains from taking another bite."

"Yeah. Sure. Right. I don't trust the two of you together, you know that, right?"

Another exchanged look between Jedi. I wasn't winning this battle. "All right, let's go. Ben, thanks for another confusing and strange visit. Tanner will be talking my ear off the entire trip home. So, thanks for that too."

"Anytime. Always glad to contribute to driving you a bit insane. I used to drive my master to the brink often enough. So, you're welcome."

That man was having way too much fun at my expense, but I was used to it and he needed the weight off for a time.

A whistle and Sam was at the door grunting and groaning. He reached his long-nosed head down for Tanner to scratch it. Immediate friends. So very Tanner. "Hi boy. Time for a ride, okay? Promise you won't bite my brother. A lot of animals want to bite him, but he's pretty harmless, just cranky sometimes. Okay?"

Another grunt as he creature waved his nose up and down. Was this thing actually responding to Tanner? It would figure. We needed to go. Ben gave Tanner a leg up first and then myself behind him.

"Safe journeys, my friends. Until next time." Ben. Already missing the company.

"Bye Ben. I'll see you soon."

Tanner gave Sam a gentle urging and we begin moving forward. He turned his head back several times to see Ben standing at the hovel, a single hand held up in farewell. Tanner waved back until I got him re-focused.

"We'll see him again, Tanner. Time to let go for now. Come on, pay attention to Sam. He probably gets lonely too."

"He does. I know he does. He told me."

"Please don't tell me you're talking to animals again."

"I can't talk to them, but I can feel them and their emotions. I told you about that, Dash. It's called Animal Kinship. Through the Force..."

"No, don't start with more of your fancy Force crap. My head is full of it after this week. You and your savage little pal here, just get us to the spaceport."

"Don't pay any attention to him, Sam. You only chewed on him - his fault - that one time and I know you'll get us to the spaceport safely, right?"

The beast nodded again. Damn beast. Damn Jedi. Damn desert.

Tanner turned one last time toward the hovel receding in the sandy distance. Ben was gone. It was truth when I told him I hoped he would be okay. He was a good guy with a terrible past and uncertain and trying future from all I could garner. Most likely, he probably deserved much better than to live out the rest of his days here in this barren wasteland of nothing with the only constant companion being a dead guy. Other than our sporadic it visits, neither Tanner or I could do anything about that. Anything more than sporadic and it wasn't safe for either of them.

No doubt Ben would return to his despondency before too long. Tanner would worry for him. He was a natural worrier when it came to those few of us that he considered family. Ben was fortunate to be part of that small pack. I suppose fortunate was the right word though it certainly didn't seem like it as we scaled this vast, desolate place. How anyone could live here voluntarily, no idea, and we'd never know if his duty here was voluntary or forced. I got the feeling it was a little of both. He could leave, but the fate of something big would probably crumble and fall. Ceasing to be. Whatever that might be. I had to admit, I was sad for the man. Going back to my home on a planet where it wasn't constantly hot as hell, where sand grains didn't find your everywhere and everything, and where it wasn't forsaken and empty and just flat out crappy.

How strong was Ben Kenobi to deal with it all and not go completely insane or worse? Stronger than any of us would ever be; of that I was certain.

Tanner must've felt my emotions because he patted Sam again on the neck as we plodded along and turned his head to speak to me. "He's not okay, Dash." Ben, not the beast. "But we can't do much else to help him."

"I know."

"I'm gonna worry about him."

"I know that too."

"But he has a mission here. It's secret but important. I don't know, maybe he'll be okay."

"Maybe."

Sam reached his long neck around to grunt at Tanner, just before he nipped at me. I drew my arm back before blood was visible. "Ow! What is wrong with you?"

"He doesn't like you, Dash."

"You think? Can't you just will him forward or something with your animal kin-whatever?"

"It doesn't work like that, we have to be a team. He has to want to do as I wish. I can't force him to stop biting you. He has to want to stop biting you."

"Great. This is gonna be a long ride isn't it?"

"I think so."

"Next time we come to Tatooine, I'm buying us a ride to the hovel. A ride with a motor and no teeth."

"Ben said not to do that. It'll attract attention."

"Then he can come pick us up. We're not doing this damn eopie thing again, not unless he swears to not eat my flesh anymore."

"Eat your flesh?"

"Close enough to it. Make him swear, Tanner."

"I can't do that. How about you be nice to him instead? He might decide to like you." Another eopie neck turn, another attempted bite. "Or not." Tanner finished with a short giggle. "Just relax and enjoy the ride."

"Easy for you to say." I heard Tanner's comlink buzz as I was inspecting my arm again. Pulling it from his belt, I looked. Coded message from Ben. "Hey, it's from Ben, what's it say? Here."

Holding the comm screen in front of Tanner so he could see it, my little brother motioned Sam to move stop for a moment. "Says that it's grueling here but seeing his dear friends gives him momentary light. Thank you."

Yeah, Ben was already sinking back into that pit again, but what could you do? I patted Tanner on the shoulder, took the comm and put it away. Tanner got Sam moving again, at a slightly faster clip this time. Perhaps he was as eager to get away from this place as I was. It's sadness was contagious.

"You can only do so much for him, Mouse. We'll see him again. Keep Sam moving. Let's get home."

Tanner nodded quietly as we began our journey home.


END