Chapter Title: I'm Okay
Series Title: Unlikely Brothers
Ages in this chapter: Tanner (10) Dashen (16)
Chapter Summary: Tannerlin speaks to his master, hoping he can hear him from within the Force. Takes place immediately after Chapter 23 - "Return to Ben".
"Master Ayden... Are you there? In the Force? I don't know if you are. Master Qui-Gon, he's dead, but he's not dead... he told Ben that anything is possible within the Force. There is no death, there is the Force. Is that true for all Jedi? Or only for those who could find their way when their physical body was killed? I wonder. I hope. Will I get to see you again one day?
If you can hear me... see me... I want you to know that I'm okay. I have a really good life here on Terra. Dashen is my brother. Well, not really my brother, but he found me after you died. He saved me. His little brother died a few years ago. It broke him just like your death broke me. But he found a way to move forward. I did too. And I'm okay now.
I live here, on Terra, in Kaolin. I go to school, you know how much I love to learn. And one day I'll be a teacher just like you were. Not a Jedi, but still a teacher. I remember you telling me that you used to teach at the Temple. Long before I was born, but you loved it so much. That will be me one day. I promise it will.
My life is good here, Master, but I miss you every day. Sometimes I still dream about us, about my life as a Padawan. Mostly the dreams are just dreams. Memories. But I get nightmares too. Dashen helps me through them though, so don't worry. He still has nightmares too. So we help each other and he takes care of me. Ever since he found me in that hole in the wall. You know the one you pushed me into? You told me to hide and be still and quiet. That someone would come for me. Someone would help me. I only stayed alive for that long because I was trying hard... for you. You died. I had nothing. But I held on. Someone would come. You promised me. Dashen did. I needed him, but I think he needed me too. So, we're brothers now. Fakes ones, but not really.
Colton helps look after me too. I've never had one before, but he's kind of like an uncle. He pays for my school and lets us stay in his house, in the apartment. I know he's a criminal, but he's not a bad guy. Like you taught me, Master, look inside of each and every person that I meet. See them for who they really are, not only their outside shell. People will put up walls to seem different than their true selves. But once you get inside... some will surprise you.
I remember your teachings so well, Master. It may not seem like it, but there is good in the galaxy if you know where to look for it. I found that good. I found it after I lived through the bad. The horrible. You died in front of me. I was lost and helpless and broken. People helped me. Your teachings helped me. Your memory.
I just wanted you to know these things... if you can hear me. Maybe you don't, maybe you are not in the same place as Master Qui-Gon. Maybe not... but maybe so.
You were - you are - so important to me, Master Ayden. I'd give anything to see you and hear you again. But if that can't happen, you need to know that I'm okay. I really am. I love my fake brother. I love my fake uncle. It may not always seem like it on the outside, but they are good people. They care about me and look after me. I do the same for them. Like me and you, Master, they are my family. So don't worry about me, all right? Please don't. If you are there in the Force, and if you can one day learn what Master Qui-Gon learned, then maybe one day... maybe one day we will see each other again. I can only hope."
A voice from the other side of the apartment broke Tanner's attention from his deep meditative Force connection and his words halted.
"Tanner, come on! Move your butt! If we're late because you were sitting there staring at the damn wall for an hour, I'm eating your dessert. Come on, kid!"
Meditative state broken, Tanner began again, but speaking out loud this time.
"That's Dashen, Master. My brother. My family. You'd like him... after you got used to him. He grows on you. But I love him, my family. I need to leave now, we're going to eat at one of his favorite places, but he won't tell me where until we get there. A surprise I guess. Dash isn't very good with surprises, but I humor him. He does try."
A dark head of hair reached through the doorway. "Mouse, seriously, let's go. The wall will be there when you get home. Plenty of time to stare blankly at it later. Move it or lose it, kid. Colt's got the speeder waiting."
"Coming, Dash. Give me one more minute."
"Tick tock, kid."
Tanner closed his eyes again and reached back to the Force.
"I promise he's a good person, Master, I do. Don't judge him by his annoying impatience. He saved my life and he'd do anything for me. Just like you did. I have to go now. If you're there... Master Ayden, I hope you are. I love you. Always. And I miss you every day."
Tanner clutched the small piece of brown fabric in his left hand, caressing it with his fingers, not wanting to let go. In case Ayden was there. In case Ayden was watching and could hear him, like Master Qui-Gon could do with Ben. He clung tightly to the fabric. Letting go wasn't something he ever wanted to do again with anyone he loved.
A soft knock on his door. The formerly annoyed voice quieter this time. Dashen was back. He'd not actually left before and he'd overheard the final part of Tanner's confession to his dead teacher.
Dashen crept over and kneeled on the floor next to the boy. "You don't have to ever let go of him, Mouse. Okay? Not ever. Come on now, let's go enjoy the evening. Maybe I'll even let you get two desserts."
Tanner looked over and up at his friend... his brother.
"Two?"
"Two."
"I do like dessert."
"I know you do. Come on. Let's tuck the cloth away in it's safe place and get downstairs before Colton leaves without us."
"He's there, Dash. I know he is. In the Force. I just don't know if he can hear me. I wish I knew."
"Maybe one day."
"You think so?"
"It happened to Ben and his master. Why not you and yours, right?"
Tanner smiled as he set the brown fabric into it's safe place and returned to his brother with a quick hug.
"Love you, Dash."
"Back at ya, Mouse."
Down the stairs and out the door and they never did see the evidence of the echo in the Force, as Ayden tried and failed to make himself be seen
or heard from within the veil. The effort was all in vain. He had not the knowledge, skill or ability to achieve what Qui-Gon had successfully managed. And in his frustration at the failure, he quickly realized he was losing the gift he'd just received from the amazing boy that had been his apprentice. He couldn't speak to Tannerlin, but Tannerlin could speak... and he could listen. Not anything he'd ever imagined in those final moments of his life just over a year ago, when he said goodbye forever to that same boy.
To see him now. Hear him now. He was safe. Happy. He had a family. He had a future. Yet, he still took time out of every day to remember his Jedi life. His training. To remember him.
Ayden had always known Tannerlin was a special child. He just hadn't realized how special until now.
Sacrificing his own life to save him, it had been right at the time, inconceivable as it had been, saying goodbye and forcing the boy to watch him die. Today was proof that impossible decision had indeed been the right one.
His beloved Padawan was okay and would remain so as long as he had someone to love him. For a time, that person was Ayden and he'd not trade those years for anything in the galaxy. Now, he unexpectedly had found a brother.
Wiping at his eyes - he hadn't realized how emotional being a Force spirit could be - he grabbed that final glance of Tannerlin before he walked out the door to his dinner. Clutching the small piece of Ayden's Jedi robe, returning it to it's secure place, then clutching the one who'd become his brother. The boy may have lost his world when the Jedi Purge happened, but he hadn't lost what made him... him.
Sighing, Ayden realized he wasn't quite as 'okay' as his former apprentice, but maybe he'd get there one day.
Letting Tannerlin go for now, Ayden retreated back into his place in the Force. He had so much to learn. So much to know. If one day he was going to be able to speak to Tannerlin again from within the Force... he had his work cut out for him.
It was time to track down Qui-Gon and get to task.
END
