Chapter Title: One More Day

Series Title: Unlikely Brothers

Ages in this chapter: Dashen (14)

POV: Dashen

Chapter Summary: A year after losing his brother, Kossi, Dashen struggles to live though impossible days.


Is there a world - a galaxy - without my baby brother? For eight amazing years, Kossi Lesedi was my life. The reason I woke in the morning; the reason I thrived in the afternoon. He was the reason that most of my childhood was a happy one.

I lost him a year ago now. A year, two months, four days to be specific. Every day matters. Every day counts.

Every day is one more day.

What used to be ordinary and normal in my world is now filled with memories and images and ghosts of the one person who meant everything to me. I still see him places. Sitting at my side. Smiling at a stranger. Staring at the stars and knowing that he'd be there flying through them one day.

Even dead, Kossi still fills my days. Perhaps more then when he was alive. Except now those days are cramped with the emptiness. Sadness. Hopelessness. Nothing that even resembled the pure joy that was my brother.

My life that I once loved, I now hate. Minutes feel like hours. Hours like days. Days like weeks. And on.

I keep a job, this running thing, only to keep my mind from completely collapsing. I'd tried and failed miserably - at least twice - to end my misery. Couldn't keep my little brother alive, couldn't join him either. Yay me.

Stars only knows what's ahead. If fortunate enough, one of these random jobs I've been taking for this Colton guy or this Grunley character will do me in and then, there ya go. Problem solved.

But my luck, yeah, it isn't so lucky.

The one thing I am absolutely certain of - the one thing I know with all of my heart - is that I can't go on feeling like this for the rest of my life. With no reason to drag myself out of bed. No reason to become a fully functional member of society. If I somehow manage to accidentally stumble through four or five hours without this depression breaking me down and pulling me into a sobbing fetal ball, it's counted as a good day.

I rarely have good days.

But here it is after a year. This is what I've been given. A dead little brother and it's aftermath. An aftermath that has dragged me to rock bottom and whatever sorrow lies under it. There's no out. No rescue. No hope. There's not a damned thing.

On rare occasion, I think - maybe one day. Maybe one day Kossi will be a part of my past that I can live with.

On most occasions, I only know that he is the one thing I cannot live without.

As much as I loved my life with him in it, after this past year, I am absolutely certain that I cannot bear to remain in my life without him.

Who knew it was possible to miss someone so badly? To miss them so much that it actually hurt down to your very soul every moment of the day and night?

How long does this last? Forever? No, I can't do forever. I can barely do today.

If I could do forever, I'd do best to be what Kossi would've wanted of me. Live my life. Live a happy life. Live a good life. Just like he did with every ounce of his eight short years.

When I'm at my lowest, I remember that part of him. That light that was my brother. That smile that could brighten any dark. That joy he took in every single thing - from watching an insect climb a tree to waving at a stranger across the way. He was so much better than any human ever put on any planet anywhere.

So, I try to remember those things about him. What made him so unique and the most perfect little brother in the entire galaxy.

Most of the time it leaves me curled in a ball and sobbing like a baby.

But every so often - occasions are rare - the fog in my head clears just long enough for me to picture that contagious smile of his. I remember all the good and all the fun and all the love we shared as brothers. And within that small moment, it offers me the tiniest slivers of hope.

Hope that I can do this. That I can live a life without him. That I have to keep going.

During those times, there's a strange feeling, almost like he's guiding me along to a second chance. To hope. To go on with life... a life without my little brother.

Maybe. Maybe there's hope for me. I can't feel it, but Kossi always had hope. He always looked at the positive and the bright and the beauty. I've no doubt he'd want me to do the same.

That sliver of hope that Kossi instilled in me manages to be enough to get me through one more day. For my brother, it's what I can do, it's all I can do.

I can keep going for one more day. Then one more day. And one more day.

I can keep going until my own merciful end comes, or until I somehow find a reason for living without him.

It's not possible to believe that there is reason to live without him. But I'm just a broken down kid - what do I know about anything.

Maybe there's a reason for all of this. My life. His death. Our limited time together. Maybe.

For now, I can only work on surviving today.

Then tomorrow... for my brother... one more day...


END