Chapter Title: A Broken Mess
Series Title: Unlikely Brothers
Ages in this chapter: Dashen (15), Tanner (9)
POV: Dashen
Chapter Summary: Days after Dashen finds Tanner after the Jedi Slaughter
The kid was sad this morning. Yeah, he'd been sad since I'd found him, but the reality of everything was embedded deeply now. Skinny as a rail, hobbled by legs that had been curled to his body for what had probably seemed like forever while he hid in that compact hole in the wall. Constant pain in his heart and his mind. Tears that had come until they literally ran dry.
We were strangers. Brought together by maybe some stupid twist of fate or whatever. It was actual blind luck that I'd found him at all.
Why I couldn't just walk away and let nature take it's course… I mean, the kid would've been dead within days if I'd left him there.
But I didn't. I couldn't. It wasn't in me. No matter how badly the galaxy seemed to hate my guts, I refused to let it make me into a bad person.
Someone had to help this kid. So I did.
Now, hell… now he seemed as broken as I was. Only he didn't know how to deal with it. Two years of self-pitying failed attempts to take my own life had been my personal method. No, that hadn't worked; this kid should be grateful for that.
"Hey there, Tannerlin. Mouse." I said carefully. Mouse was the nickname I'd given him before I even knew his name or that he was a Jedi apprentice in hiding. No idea if he cared about the moniker, probably not. He only wanted to go home. Wanted his normal life back. Wanted to stand next to his Jedi Master again and do lightsaber drills or practice negotiation. Whatever other things Jedi did.
Yeah, none of that ever happening again. Every last bit of it had been wiped out in a matter of hours.
Now he was here. Sad. Depressed. Homesick. Broken. Clothed in an oversized tunic of mine with pants the same and rolled up so he didn't trip when he walked. Until I found clothes to fit him - well, I needed money for that - this would have to do. It was better than the ratty and soiled things I'd pulled off his body when I'd finally gotten him out of that hole in the wall.
He was clean. Best I could offer.
There came no response to my saying his name. He was extremely quiet for a kid of nine. Yes, I had gotten that much out of him. Nine. Just a kid. Damn it.
I tried again and sat a warm mug of tea in front of him. It seemed to be something he liked, probably a habit from his Jedi days. With their long brown robes and weirdly calm magic abilities, they did seem the tea type.
"Here, Tannerlin. Sip on this tea. You need to drink and eat to get your strength back."
His head turned to me, plain brown eyes pleading into my own green ones. "Why?"
Ouch. There was a sign. Not a good one either. Why. It was a question I'd asked myself a million times since my brother Kossi died. Why. Why should I do this or that? What was the point? It wouldn't make things better. It wouldn't bring him back. It couldn't stop the burning hole in my heart.
I answered him. I didn't lie either. I made a habit to not lie to people I cared about. And even after these few days, I was actually giving a crap about this kid; a fellow lost soul.
"Because if you want to get better, this is the first step. I can't tell you what to do or not do. But, kid, I've been where you are. Different, but still broken into pieces. It's impossible. And I have to say, I didn't pull you out of that hell so you can give up on me. Okay? I've tried and failed to give up on myself. Multiple times. Trust me, it only makes things worse. Come on, you like tea and It's good for you."
"I like tea." No idea why he repeated it. Or what followed. "Broken into pieces. You've been where I am. You… you're like me?"
Okay, got him talking. Depressed talking, but any forward momentum was good at this point.
"I am." I said. "Maybe we're a lot like each other."
"You're tall and I'm short."
The kid was literal.
"Not what I meant really."
Then, in a voice so small that it seriously made me want to bawl, he said "I want to go home."
What do you say to that? Seriously, what do you say?
You be honest.
It's all I had.
"You do, kid. I get it. But you can't. Your home… your people… it's all gone."
"I don't want it to be gone."
Damn it. I wiped the back of my hand across my eyes.
"Kid, I'd give anything to give your life back to you. I would. I'd give anything to have my brother back. Neither can happen."
He nodded, eyes falling to the tea in his hands. "I know."
I grabbed my own mug and sat down on the raggedy couch beside him. The couch that doubled as his bed just as it had doubled as Kossi's after our parents died and we were forced to move from our family home.
Our shoulders touched.
"I'm not this perfect person, Mouse. Far from it. The reality is, I'm a mess myself. In fact, no one in their right mind would ever put me in charge of helping you get better. But fact is fact. We can't get back what we lost. I don't really understand the world you came from. You don't know me from a literal hole in the wall. And maybe in a week or two or a month, when you're up and about and back and full strength, you'll run away from me as far and as fast as you can…"
"I won't do that." He interrupted me. Actually a good sign. Curious that he'd said that though.
Me, however, being my natural sarcastic and non charming self, came back with, "Yeah, don't be to sure of those instincts just yet, kid. I don't have a lot in the way of people who like to hang around with me. Most want nothing to do with me, or just flat out ignore me."
"I won't do that either."
Huh. Come to think of it, this was about the longest conversation I'd had with anyone in a while. At least in which one party wasn't ready to kill the other by the end of the discussion.
"Yeah? Well, thanks, kid. That means something. Drink your tea, okay? I want to see you get better."
"Master Ayden used to have tea like this."
Ugh, the dead Jedi guy. So, maybe I should rethink the tea thing?
"Tannerlin, I'm sorry. If it has memories that make you feel bad…"
"It's okay. He would find teas on his missions. He would tell me stories. He had tea from all over the galaxy. I liked to try them. Some were really good. And some were very disgusting."
I smiled at the face the boy made when he said the word disgusting.
That smile was short lived.
"I can't believe he's gone. And I wan't him back and I don't know what to do without him. Without the Jedi."
I set my own tea down on the table, took the mug from Tannerlin's hand and wrapped an arm around his shoulder. I wasn't good at many things in my life. Two things really. Running as a job for that guy Colton. That was one. The other was being a decent big brother.
Not that Tannerlin was a brother, but he needed someone. At least for now. Until he was healthy and not a broken mess like yours truly.
This was a disaster waiting to happen. One broken mess leading another broken mess.
But, what the hell, right?
"I'll help you find a path, Mouse. Maybe one that your Master Ayden would be proud of. I actually need a path of my own. Stumbling down one together might be worth a shot."
"I feel sad all the time."
"Right there with ya. My brother, he died two years ago. I still cry for him."
"You do?" He said, pressing up against me, snuggling some into the crux under my arm.
"I do. I'm not sure if it's normal or not, but it's how I feel and how I have to deal with losing him."
"Okay."
It's all he said. I waited, thinking there'd be more. Finally, I nudged him.
"What's okay?"
He scooted forward to pick up his mug and began sipping on the tea. "You say it's okay to feel bad. I'll drink my tea."
Hey, look at that. A weird little breakthrough. I lifted my own mug and sipped on the brew. I could get into this tea thing. It had some type of calming effect… or was that the kid and his magic Jedi mind stuff?
Eh, no idea.
"I'll drink mine too." I told him. We sat back, comfortable. This orphaned Jedi kid I didn't know. Complete with atrophied legs and a dagger in the heart; an unimaginable loss suffered. I could relate. I did relate.
He eventually fell asleep in my hold. His empty mug falling to his side. I finished my own and stayed put, not wanting to wake him since he was actually sleeping and not screaming in a nightmare or fidgeting horribly as had been his pattern. A few hours of peace for him would be nice.
A few hours of peace for myself would be welcomed too. I hadn't had much of that in about… well forever. Not since before my folks died. Finding that peace, together with this kid was definitely unexpected.
As I said, one broken mess leading another broken mess. What could be more disastrous?
Or perhaps…
What could be more necessary?
We had this thing in common - this bond of intense loss. So, I had to wonder, did I find this kid by accident? By chance? By fate?
Ugh. Too much to think about. I was tired in body and mind. Enough of my own emotional issues to invest too much into the kid. Still, I'd radiated to him so quickly; a fact that should probably concern me more than it did. I was too broken to have anyone under my charge. Too broken to encompass the energy to look after this kid. Too broken to care as much I'd need to in order help him create a new life.
And yet, here I was.
Here he was.
Here we were. Together. Two kids. Two strangers. In need of something or someone to hold onto.
I drifted off with a tangle of thoughts. Of Kossi, the brother I loved with every ounce of my soul. Of Tannerlin, the orphaned Jedi who'd lost every ounce of everything he ever knew. Of myself, a cracked mess of a teenager using every ounce of physical and emotional strength just to survive from one day to the next.
Most nights, I dreamed of all my heartache just washing away. That one time I'd close my eyes, the darkness would fall over me and that would be that.
But, hell. I wasn't that lucky.
Glancing over one last time at the tiny nine year old lost soul clamped to my side, I mustered up enough determination to give it another day. One more go. Not that I owed it to this kid, I didn't owe him anything at this point, but it wasn't in me to desert him. I knew the pain of having your soul ripped out of your chest. Dealt with it everyday and not one damn anyone gave a crap… except it seemed for this Colton guy. He'd reached a hand out.
That was the least I could do for this kid.
I pushed back the stupid tears boiling up. My nightly ritual. Kossi came to my mind as he always did. His memories forcing me into sleep that I could never find on my own.
The tears flowed (at his point, I had no power to ever stop them) and I said my silent goodnight to my dead baby brother. Told him that I loved him and wanted him back and that I couldn't do this without him.
But I had - done this without him. Somehow. For two painstaking years. It hurt like a fire-stick to the eye every second of every day too, but here I was. Broken, but here.
Just like this Tannerlin kid.
Yeah, I'd give him a chance. Someone had to.
My arm gently squeezed him to me as my eyes closed, those tangled thoughts beginning to unravel just enough to let sleep slip in.
"Goodnight, Mouse." I said to the boy warmly. "We'll start to figure this out in the morning. I'll see you then."
And I did. I woke up with a purpose for the first time in a long time.
Maybe… just maybe… I could do this.
END
