Author's Notes: Trigger Warnings for Self-Harm & Suicidal Ideation.

The description is very mild and brief, but should you wish to skip over this part, these are the bits of dialogue directly before and after:

Before: "Forgot to pay you back earlier."
After: "This isn't what it looks like!"

(And on that note, please keep in mind that appearances can be deceiving.)


"They say we only use a fraction of our brain's true potential.
Now, that's when we're awake.
When we're asleep, our mind can do almost anything."
[Cobb - Inception]


Chapter 2: You Play Cards?


Quistis obviously hadn't quit for good after her dramatic storm-out. That had been a lapse of judgment, perhaps a necessary one. The struggle only made her stronger, or so she wanted to believe.

She returned to Balamb for the next scheduled session and let herself into Seifer's house as usual.

He was already home. He was distinctly agitated.

"Lemme see my keys," he demanded with an open palm.

Quistis handed over her copy, and he frowned in recognition.

"I was wondering where this was!" he muttered, taking out the third key—the mystery key—from the ring. "Can't let this fall into the wrong hands…"

His comment made her feel a little deflated, as if her trustworthiness had really decreased a notch or two.

He dropped the remaining keys into her hand and leaned around her to unlock a miniature safe that was hiding under a gingham dish towel.

She stepped away and awkwardly watched as miscellaneous valuables avalanched onto the carpet. Whatever he had stored inside of the safe was packed beyond capacity.

Should she walk away and give him some privacy? Would it be rude if she didn't help him pick up the items?

Her mood brightened at the sight of a fallen set of Triple Triad cards encased in shatterproof plastic.

Quistis kneeled to retrieve the cards. Seifer's card was on top of the deck, and though it was merely a drawing of him, there was an expressiveness to the features and a movement in the lines that made her smile in admiration.

"You play cards?"

He shrugged as he furtively pocketed an item. "Sometimes."

Clonk!

A piggy bank tumbled out of the safe; the cover popped off and coins exploded everywhere.

Seifer immediately bent down beside her. Together, they scooped up the dingy coins with silent concentration. Their fingers brushed against each other a couple of times. The physical contact was small but not insignificant. It was the first time she had touched him since…

She couldn't remember when exactly, but this time felt remarkably different.

"Thanks."

"Of course." She gave him the deck of cards with reverent hands. "Did you find what you were looking for?"

"Yeah, and it's kinda urgent." He motioned toward the kitchen. "Feel free to help yourself to something if you get hungry. I'll be back in a couple of hours or so."

She looked at him disbelievingly. "A couple of hours…?"

Quistis had grown accustomed to his lack of punctuality, but this was the first time he was forcefully rescheduling on her according to his whims.

"Do you have any appointments afterward?"

"Well, no, but—"

"Then wait for me," instructed Seifer. "I ain't skipping out on the session, alright?"

"…As if I really have any other choice," she said under her breath as the front door banged shut.

She dialed Rinoa's number.

"Hi, Quisty!"

"Hi…" Quistis lowered her voice just in case. "There's been a change of plans. Seifer had to take care of something urgent and told me he would return in two hours. We'll have to postpone the subconscious visit until my next session with him."

"Aw, that's a bummer! Yeah, I have to take Angelo for her check-up so I won't be around later…"

"Sorry, Rinoa."

"No worries. Think of it as a sign that we shouldn't rush into this."

"I appreciate your positivity. I'll talk to you later."

"Talk to you later!"

What could Quistis possibly occupy herself with for the next two hours?

Degenerating into a couch potato did not sound appealing. There was a bookshelf but it was filled entirely with video game strategy guides. And despite Seifer's clear invitation, she would feel weird eating his food.

She put on her jacket again.

Now might be a good time to enjoy a prime rib dip down by the Balamb Harbor.

Perhaps she would order an extra sandwich for Seifer while she was there.


"Are you nervous?" asked Rinoa.

Quistis nodded solemnly.

"We could grab Nida for one last round of practice."

"Thanks, but I think I'll be okay."

"What would make you feel more confident?"

"…Rinoa, you were right." Quistis pulled a blanket around her head as if that would make her blushing stop. "Seifer has carved a special place in my heart. I've lost my ability to be objective around him."

"So you're saying you're smitten with your client," said Rinoa playfully.

Quistis mumbled assent.

"Well, it's a good thing you're not a real therapist or you'd probably lose your license!" Rinoa's eyes widened and she clapped both hands over her mouth. "Oh my gosh, I am SO sorry! That was really blockheaded of me to say. I didn't mean to reopen old wounds…!"

"Don't worry about it." Quistis laughed softly and let the blanket fall to her shoulders. "That's all in the past now."

Rinoa hung her head.

"What would make me feel more confident…" murmured Quistis. "I'm thinking back to last week—that unexpected delay with Seifer? You said to take it as a sign that the timing wasn't right. Maybe I need to see another sign to know that I'm making the right choice."

"Hmm. Have you thought of just…telling him what you're trying to do? Who knows, maybe he'll go along with your plan if you frame it in a certain way—like, keep the focus away from you and make it about his benefit."

"Fat chance," said Quistis miserably. "It's a miracle we're even getting through the therapy sessions alone."

"Yeah, who are we kidding?" Rinoa gave herself a mild facepalm in the exact likeness of Squall. "It's Seifer we're talking about here."

"If he ever caught wind of my plan, I would have to abandon the entire operation."

"So we'll put everything on hold for now?"

"Yes, if you don't mind…"

"Of course I don't mind!"

"Rinoa, I truly appreciate your support. Is there anything I can do for you? It just doesn't feel right to be receiving all of your assistance without giving something back."

"You're helping me hone my sorceress powers. That's huge in itself!" Rinoa grinned and tapped her mug. "You've been my personal barista. And you're super sweet to Angelo."

"Angelo!" said Quistis suddenly. "I can watch her whenever you need a break."

Angelo lifted an inquisitive ear.

"Really? You wouldn't mind?"

"I'd be happy to pet-sit for you."

Rinoa looked excited by the offer. "Thank you so much, Quisty!"

"I'll let you know when I get my sign."

And Quistis wanted it badly, because she was dying to know what Seifer's subconscious would be like.


The next time she went to his house, he was not in the mood for a session.

She could not see his face. He was standing in front of the bay window, shirtless with a cigarette smoldering between two fingers.

"All that's left is just the rage."

Seifer communicated with neither aggression nor resignation. He didn't growl the words or speak in a hesitant voice. But the weight of the confession was evident, and she wanted to grab this chance to take the conversation further.

What should she say next?

Could it be that he was finally allowing her to take a closer look at his thoughts?

Did this mark the end of him driving her up the wall with his smart aleck behavior?

Just the rage…

Quistis thought she knew exactly what he meant.

She would never dare to compare the pain of one person to another, but a part of her truly believed that Seifer Almasy had suffered the most out of them all. Surely the rage that he spoke of stemmed from the great crucible of the Second Sorceress War.

The disturbance of his innocent youth.

The devastation upon his impressionable mind.

The destruction that he would never be able to undo.

She walked over to him by the window. She couldn't bring herself to look at his face directly, for he was a tragic beauty that was bound to lure her into his world.

"Like I told you before," he uttered quietly, pausing for a drag of nicotine. "Do whatever it takes to heal me."

"Okay, Seifer."

"I just wanna go back to being the old me. You don't even have to tell me what you're doing—just do it."

Quistis almost fell to the ground in shock.

She had just received her sign.


Seifer was smirking like he had the upper hand.

"Are you aware that you're staring at me?"

"Am I…?" Her cheeks turned warm and she fidgeted uncomfortably. "My apologies, Seifer. I've gotten so used to taking notes while speaking that I don't quite know where to direct my gaze now."

"The absence of your clipboard feels ominous, to say the least."

"It's nothing to worry about!" she assured him. "It's just that I'd like to try an unstructured session today."

His features tightened. "What are you gonna do to me…?"

"Not to you. With you." Quistis folded her hands neatly on her lap. "I plan to have a non-therapeutic conversation with you."

"Non-therapeutic," he said doubtfully.

"What I mean is that you can lead the conversation all the way. Talk about whatever you want to talk about, and it doesn't even have to be about your emotions."

"No limits?"

"No limits."

"Alright." He swung his legs off the couch, stood up, and walked over to her. "Can I borrow ten gil from you?"

Quistis blinked up at him. "Excuse me?"

"It's kinda urgent."

"That's the same line you used on me last time." She frowned disapprovingly. "The day you ditched me for two whole hours, remember?"

"It was true then and it's true now," argued Seifer. "I wouldn't be asking you if it wasn't important."

"Then what are you planning to use the gil for?"

He clammed up right away. "None of your business."

She had the urge to tell him to go and open his precious piggy bank but thought better of it. The item must have held some special significance if he had gone so far as to lock it in his safe.

She sighed and handed him a ten gil note from her wallet.

"Thanks!" He folded the note and grinned. "I'll pay you back in a week."

"Sure," she replied, not entirely convinced that he would keep his word. "Would you like to begin the session now?"

Seifer spent the better part of an hour bitching about his "indentured servitude." Quistis learned that he worked part-time at the Balamb Public Library as part of his community corrections agreement. He had been banished to the library's basement from the very beginning. There, he worked alone sorting through an infinite archive of moldy books with very little pay and absolutely no glory.

"At least you're getting a small stipend," she said in an attempt to cheer him up.

"Don't make me bitter, Miss Rank 30 SeeD."

"I'm actually Rank A."

His scowl deepened. "Okay, well the bottom line is that you're probably rolling in cash."

"Not exactly. I put most of my salary into savings."

"What about your stipend?"

"I'm not receiving one."

That got Seifer's attention. "You mean you're doing these sessions with me for free?"

She nodded to confirm.

"Wow…" He still looked skeptical. "Wasn't expecting that at all."

She chuckled and gestured at his attire. "If you're stuck in a basement all day, why do you make an effort to dress so nicely?"

Seifer gave her a tight-lipped smile. "This way, people are less likely to treat me like a damn criminal."

Her heart was dashed with guilt. "Am I one of those people…?"

"No," he told her honestly, "but maybe it's because we've never actually talked about the stuff that supposedly makes me a criminal."

What he was saying was completely true. Thus far, Quistis had carefully tiptoed around any mention of the war, choosing instead to parse his psychological state through the use of cookie-cutter questions and hackneyed responses.

She was a freaking joke.

"Would you…like to talk about those things?"

"No," he said flatly.

His answer was exactly as she expected.

"I respect your choice." Quistis glanced at her phone. "Well, our time is up so…"

"See ya later, then."

He turned onto his side. His breathing soon slowed.

Quistis waved a cautious hand in front of his face. He must have been awfully tired to have fallen asleep so quickly. She texted Rinoa to give her the green light.

And then she fell asleep too.


Quistis appeared next to a younger Seifer who must have been six or seven years old.

She sat cross-legged while he rested on his back with his eyes closed and his little arms pillowed behind his head.

They were having a picnic on the beach.

There was something wrong with their surroundings. The landscape was washed out and looked like it was barely holding itself together. Their gingham picnic blanket was the only splash of color she could perceive in his mind.

Seifer suddenly sat upright and narrowed his eyes at her. "Hey!" he barked accusingly. "You're sitting in my friend's spot!"

Quistis hastily scooched over. "I'm sorry! I didn't know."

"Who are YOU, anyway?"

"Another friend," she answered gently.

He stared at her for a while and finally pointed at the tray of cut-up PB&J sandwiches. "If you're really my friend, then eat what I made," he ordered.

"Certainly."

"I worked hard to make these."

"I can see that."

Quistis took a bite. There was an excessive amount of peanut butter. At once, it clogged her throat and made her cough in discomfort.

Seifer jutted out his chin with pride. "It's good, right?"

"It—tastes—wonderful!" she managed to choke out.

"I guess you can stay, then," he said a little less grudgingly than before.

She had passed his friendship test.

"Will your other friend be joining us soon?"

"She's already here."

Quistis looked around her. Not another person in sight.

"Look, she's sitting right next to ya!"

Apparently Seifer had an invisible friend.

"Oh." Quistis turned to her left. "Nice to meet you, um…"

"Princess Jukebox," said Seifer.

"Nice to meet you, Princess Jukebox." Quistis pretended to shake her hand. "I hope you're having a fun time picnicking with us."

"Princess Jukebox is tired now." Seifer yawned. "I'm tired too…"

Soon, the fluttering of his snores melded with the susurration of the ocean.

Quistis reached out to touch his cheek.

He had silently cried himself to sleep.


When Quistis returned to reality, the transition felt jarring in a way that she hadn't experienced with Nida.

Her mouth was thick with the aftertaste of peanut butter.

Her hand was moist from his tears.

Real-world Seifer was still napping.

She took her purse and quietly left his house.

She didn't feel like returning to Garden just yet…

She wandered to the end of the Harbor and leaned on the railing as she watched the sailboats trailing the horizon.

And she thought very deeply about what she had just seen in Seifer's subconscious.


"I suppose there isn't much I can reveal without breaking client confidentiality," said Quistis.

"That's okay," said Rinoa. "I'm just here to listen."

"The one thing I'll say is that Seifer was a young boy in his mind. I'm not sure what that means."

"The comforts of childhood, maybe? A time and a place where he feels safe."

"Hmm, that makes sense. I'm even wondering if I need to 'level up' in his subconscious in order to access the deeper parts of his mind."

Rinoa gave her a concerned look. "Can I ask how many times you're planning to do this, Quisty?"

"I haven't thought about it," admitted Quistis.

"Why don't we cap it at three visits?" suggested Rinoa. "That seemed to work well with Nida."

"Sounds reasonable," agreed Quistis. "Thanks for keeping me in check."

"I have to make sure you don't go on a power trip," said Rinoa jokingly.

But it wasn't a joke.

It was a valid concern.


The next time she went to Seifer's house, a towering figure was standing behind the door gripping a large frying pan.

"Instructor Trepe!?"

"Raijin!?"

"Uh, hey!" He sheepishly withdrew the makeshift weapon. "You have your own key to the house…?"

"Oh, um, yes," she confirmed with growing embarrassment. "Seifer gave me a set for the times that he's running late."

Quistis realized how strange this must have sounded to Raijin, not to mention that somewhere along the way she had stopped ringing the doorbell altogether—even on the days that Seifer was already home to open the door for her. To them it was just a convenient arrangement, but to others it undoubtedly screamed poor boundaries.

"What a great idea!" exclaimed Raijin, innocent as a child. "Seifer just called me to say he'll get here in twenty minutes, ya know?"

"Thank you for letting me know."

"Sorry I tried to knock you out!"

Quistis laughed politely. "You have every right to protect your home."

"APOLOGIES." Fujin was concentrating intently on a video game in the living room. "OCCUPIED."

"Please continue with whatever you were doing," Quistis told them both.

She had almost forgotten that Fujin and Raijin were roommates with Seifer.

She would have to postpone yet another subconscious visit.


"Is it just me, or did this prime rib dip taste much better when we were broke cadets?"

"I think you're glorifying the past, Xu," said Quistis teasingly.

"No, I'm serious!" insisted Xu. "I feel like they've altered the recipe. Maybe it's the density of the brioche? It's not holding together in the au jus."

"Well, they must be doing something right, because we've never had to wait for a table before…"

"Did you know that Selphie featured this restaurant on her blog? The Penny Whistler has officially sold out to the masses."

Quistis grinned to herself as she remembered Seifer's little speech on why she was 'punk.'

Xu sniffed in mock hurt. "Anyway, this is what you get for telling Nida about our secret spot."

"Nida's innocent!" said Quistis earnestly. "Rinoa was the one who bought a sandwich for Selphie."

"Really?"

"Speaking of Nida…"

"Nida who?" said Xu innocently.

"Oh, no. What did he do?"

"Nothing." Xu pressed her lips into a thin line. "Literally nothing."

Quistis smiled. "Then why do you sound so upset?"

"One day, he pulls the plug on the friendly act and goes back to being a professional coworker."

"I thought you didn't want him to be so friendly toward you."

"I didn't say that I hated the flowers and other thoughtful gestures! It just feels bizarre to get all of this attention and have it suddenly stop." Xu poked gloomily at her side salad. "Did I repulse him or something? I really don't know what to think."

Quistis bit her lip, anxious that her most recent advice to Nida had been to Xu's detriment.

But she remembered the way he had rushed out of her dorm room, declaring that he had thought of something.

She had to trust that Nida's plan was still in motion.


Quistis found herself on a modern university campus.

There was a yoga session being held on the grassy lawn, and some of the students had brought their cats with them to class. A guy with dreadlocks longboarded past her. Someone tried selling her a useless magazine subscription, which she kindly declined.

This scene was a nice change of pace from the first visit. There were at least people here. But, her surroundings were still achromatic like the beach at which she and young Seifer had picnicked.

As she explored the campus, her eyes were drawn to a small yet cozy outdoor library in the center of the courtyard.

Her favorite kind of place beckoned to her. She eagerly made her way toward the books.

BONK!

Quistis cried out in pain.

There was a glass barrier around the library!

Quistis heard a feminine giggle. A pretty girl helped her up from the ground. She was in full, vibrant color. She wore a rose-gold tiara and musical note earrings. She gave off the pleasant scent of freshly baked sugar cookies.

"I'm afraid I don't have a first aid kit on hand!" The girl pointed to a building on the west side of the courtyard. "The student health center is that-a-way."

"Thank you for your help," mumbled Quistis, rubbing her aching forehead. "I think I'll be fine. How do I gain access to your library?"

The girl's laughter tinkled merrily. "Why, with a library card, of course!"

"Ah." Quistis suspected that all of her library cards would be invalid in this world. "May I ask where I can get a card?"

"Well," said the girl, smiling enigmatically, "if you don't know the answer to that question, perhaps it means that you shouldn't be snooping around here…"

Seifer was not making it easy to mine his subconscious.

"I don't have much to say in my defense," acknowledged Quistis, dusting off the back of her pants.

There was no point in being dishonest, plus she was finding that she didn't want to oppose this girl. There was a sweetness about her that made Quistis feel very nurtured.

"It's a shame!" lamented the girl. "I rarely get any visitors at the library. It's really a wonderful collection, you know—so full of history and life and dreams! But I have to protect the owner. I hope you can understand."

"Thank you anyway."

The girl handed Quistis a business card. "Please come visit again if you ever get yourself a library card!"

The business card read:

| PJ
| Head Librarian
| The Seifer Almasy Private Library


Quistis and Seifer woke up at the same time. It was a scenario that she hadn't accounted for—his naps were never this short.

"You're still here," he pointed out, confused.

Her first instinct was to apologize. "Sorry! I guess I was more tired than I thought…"

He gaped at her like she was a martian. "Quistis, what the hell happened to your head?"

She pressed a hand to the rapidly swelling bump.

"You should go to the hospital."

"I'm fine," she said hastily. "Nothing a Cure spell or two can't fix."

"You can't assume that there isn't any internal damage," said Seifer with a frown. "Trust me, I've made that mistake before and…yeah, let's just say that it wasn't a pretty outcome. You should definitely see a doctor."

"I'll stop by the infirmary on my way back. See you at the next session, Seifer!"

Quistis hightailed it out of his house.

Later that afternoon, she was relieved to pass muster with Dr. Kadowaki.

Now, if only she could figure out how to pass Seifer Almasy's mind test…


"There was this…riddle of sorts, inside of Seifer's subconscious," explained Quistis. "Someone was protecting his mind, but they said I could come back if I presented the proper credentials."

"Credentials?"

Quistis nodded.

It took a new kind of skill to describe her experiences without being overly specific. In a twisted way, both she and PJ were gatekeepers of Seifer's mind, though Quistis' motives were certainly less honorable than the girl's.

Quistis' eyes grew large. "I almost forgot! Seifer and I woke up simultaneously. I told him I'd simply fallen asleep."

"Ooh, I hadn't thought of that possibility."

"Not exactly an excuse that I can use again."

"Definitely not. Okay, no problem. Next time, I'll put him to sleep."

"Thank you, Rinoa."

"Do you think you can solve the riddle by the next session? That would mark the third attempt," Rinoa reminded her.

"I'll do my best."

"Also, would you mind watching Angelo on Saturday morning?" Rinoa brought her hands together in a beseeching gesture. "I need to run to Deling City for some errands."

"Yes, of course!"


"Tell me about your goals."

"I thought you said we were gonna have unstructured sessions from now on."

Seifer was unusually down in the dumps today. He had changed out of his suit and into comfortable loungewear. His limbs were torpid; he wasn't fidgeting at all.

"That may have been a premature decision. We're almost at the halfway point for your required hours, and, well…it's a bit hard to fill up sessions without the guidance of prompts."

"Fill up sessions," he repeated listlessly. "Is that all you think of this as…?"

"No, no. Sorry…" Quistis sighed at her inability to say the right things. "I've noticed that you're quiet today—not like your usual self, that is—and I was trying to spark some inspiration in you."

A bitter edge crept into his voice. "I don't have any goals."

"Goals can also be dreams," she prompted helpfully.

"I don't have any dreams, either."

She debated whether to probe him or let it go.

She knew that his real answers were hiding in the library of his mind.


Quistis was enjoying a relaxing Saturday morning at the Balamb Community Park.

She played catch with Angelo until they both collapsed in exhaustion. They were now snuggled together on a picnic blanket beneath the ample shade of a shagbark hickory tree. She took tiny sips of coconut water while the dog diligently worked on a chew toy.

Spending time with Angelo helped her to understand why people adored their pets so much. The idea of having her own canine pal was growing increasingly attractive.

"Angelo," she said musingly. "I just realized you're the only one in the world I can talk to freely."

She set aside her drink.

"It's so complicated with humans. This thing is a secret and that thing is a sensitive topic. One person doesn't know about Matter A and another person is the cause of Matter B. Then, you find out that Matter A and Matter B are one and the same! You begin to wonder which side you should take, and then you hate yourself for even thinking about allegiances—why can't everyone just get along without any hurt feelings? Basically, you have to stay aware of everything you say and do, and you can never, ever take a break from doing this."

Sad little whimpers.

"I know, girl. It's a tough life."

Angelo yapped with enthusiasm.

"You're right! I shouldn't focus on all of the negative, messy things."

Angelo hovered an encouraging paw over Quistis' hand.

"You want me to talk more? Well, I do have a lot on my mind. To tell you the truth, I've developed quite an emotional attachment to Seifer. I know it's forbidden and disgraceful to the profession, but I keep using the excuse that I'm not a real, licensed therapist and that I'm just trying to help him see the light."

Quistis cleared her throat and took another sip of coconut water.

"He hates pity, so I'm not about to give him any of that. But do you think…do you think everything I'm trying to do would mean something to him in the end, Angelo? I hope this isn't some aberrant sickness within me that's trying to exercise control over a person with less power and influence than myself. I hope that goodness and selflessness exist somewhere inside of me—that I'm not going to ruin myself or Seifer in the process…"

Angelo perked her ears up and barked.

Quistis turned to see the cheery figure of Ma Dincht approaching them from the shoreside.

Angelo ran over to greet Ma, then brought her to the picnic spot.

Quistis waved. "Good morning, Ma! Are you out for a walk?"

"Indeed I am, Quistis! How have you been?"

"Busy," laughed Quistis. "And you?"

"Busy yet bored." Ma waved at the ocean. "Of course I'm happy that Zell and Pa are finally taking their sailing trip, but I didn't anticipate how empty the house would feel without them…"

"I'm sure they miss you terribly."

Ma smiled. "Are you by yourself today?"

"Yes, just me and Angelo."

"You know my home is always open for you. Even if it's for a long-term stay!"

"Thank you, Ma."

Quistis thought that it felt rather invigorating to be around a person who knew nothing about her problems.


Whatever had been bothering him last time wasn't bothering him today, as he was back to being his cocky and abrasive self.

"Are you even listening to me?"

"Yes," said Quistis wearily.

"You have this faraway look in your eyes."

"There's a lot on my mind…"

She was thinking about how to acquire a legitimate library card. She had spent a significant part of her weekend trawling the internet, but it felt like she was floundering in the wrong ocean altogether.

"Join the club."

"I'm already in it," she stated seriously. "In fact, I'm one of the founding members."

"You're hilarious."

"So I've been told."

"See?" he said, tossing and catching his stress ball. "This is the kind of conversation I like to have with you."

"How would you describe our current conversation?"

"You're not walking on eggshells around me right now. You're not expecting things from me that I can't possibly give to you. And you're not going to tell me to put away my lighter." He grinned and efficiently lit up a cigarette. "…Right?"

Quistis crossed her arms and gave him an exaggerated pout. "Just when I think I'm making progress with you…"

"Don't worry, I'm taking my smoke outside." He cracked open the patio door. "Hey, can we take our session outside too?"

She followed Seifer out into the sunlit afternoon. The sight of the great ocean beyond calmed her immediately.

"Your forehead alright now?"

She coughed lightly from the secondhand smoke. "Yes it is, thank you."

"So, fellow club member. What kind of thoughts keep you up at night?"

"Ethical dilemmas, mostly."

"You wanna talk about it?"

"This isn't my session," she replied, moving to the other side of the patio to escape the pervasive smoke.

"But what if I want to spend my session talking about you instead of me…?"

Quistis barked out a laugh. "Why would you want to do that?"

"'Cause talking about me is getting old," griped Seifer. "Ugh. Sometimes I swear that therapy is having the opposite effect on me. What do you think?"

"I think that we're all just trying our best to survive."


"Nida!" she called out.

He walked over to her table and gave her a sunny smile.

"Hey, Quistis! I didn't know you were an early riser."

"I've gotten into the habit of ordering takeout, so I haven't actually sat down in the cafeteria for a while."

"You should stop by more often. It's really peaceful in the mornings."

She grinned. "I could use more peace in my life."

Nida scooped his sunny-side-up egg and positioned it atop his sourdough toast.

"How are things going with Xu?"

"Oh…" He took a pensive bite of his toast. "I'm just waiting for the right moment to make a good impression on her."

"Is this the idea you spoke of last time?"

"Well, I'm not sure what the idea looks like yet," he admitted. "I just figured I was being too forward so I've toned things down for now."

"Hmm," was all Quistis said.

You've toned things down so much that you're confusing Xu.

"Are you still planning to ask her out, Nida?"

"Depends," he said meekly. "I lost a lot of my confidence after those first few attempts…"

Quistis nodded. "I understand."

"Oh, shoot." His cheeks glowed red. "She just entered the cafeteria!"

Quistis glanced over her shoulder and saw Xu lingering in front of the pancake station.

"It's okay," she told Nida. "I'll be here as a buffer!"

"I think I'm too nervous to stay!" He got up and took his plate of egg-toast with him. "Uh, would you be able to put away my tray?"

"Sure."

"Thanks!"

Nida slipped away by taking the long route behind the planters.


"Here," said Seifer, handing her the ten gil he owed. "Forgot to pay you back earlier."

"Thank you—wait!" Quistis caught his hand before he could pull it away. "What happened?"

There was a dark red line of hardened skin on the underside of his wrist that made her sick to her stomach.

Had he harmed himself? Even more concerning, had he lied to her about not having any suicidal ideation?

"This isn't what it looks like!" he said defensively, rolling his eyes. "This is just an injury I got while hanging out with a friend."

"Are you talking about Fujin and Raijin?"

"No, a different friend—the one I needed to use the ten gil for. And I'd prefer not to tell you their identity."

Her worry bubbled over. "A real friend…?"

He narrowed his eyes. "What is that supposed to mean?"

Quistis kept her gaze even. "We've all had imaginary friends at some point in our lives, yes?"

"What the—" He bristled in anger. "Wow. Seriously, Quistis!?"

This time it was Seifer who stormed out of the house.

She had gone too far.

And the worst part was that she hadn't even tried to stop herself though she clearly knew what his reaction was going to be like.


Quistis felt like a failure.

Failure was not a new feeling. By now, the familiarity of it was like a wet rag. Sure, she could use her powers of perception to transform the wet rag into a cashmere scarf if she really wanted to, but she didn't have the willpower to do that just now.

She sat alone in the cafeteria, picking at a bowl of shepherd's pie out of a need to fuel her tired body rather than to delight her taste buds. She was speed reading a book on play therapy for children, hoping to find fresh ideas from different sources. She was getting concerned by the sheer amount of time she was putting into her research.

All of this effort, and she still had no idea what to present to PJ as her library card.

And she really was a workaholic, just like her friends teased (accused) her of being.

"Quistis."

Quistis put down her book. Squall took a seat across from her.

"Squall," she greeted him. "Aren't you supposed to be on vacation?"

"I just started my vacation." He looked a little irritated, but she knew that it wasn't directed at her. "Excuse me—staycation, a new word I learned from Rinoa."

"Staycations have the potential to be just as trendy as real vacations! Not all of us can be like Zell."

"I'm starting to think that I should've accepted his sailing invitation. At least nobody would be able to reach me out at sea…"

She chuckled at Squall's nautical escape fantasy. "So what's on your staycation agenda for today?"

"I just put in the laundry so I have some free time on my hands." His lips curled into a rare smile. "If you're not too busy, would you want to play a game of cards?"

Her mood instantly lifted. "You're on!"

Squall was a meticulous strategist who had by now amassed an impressive deck of cards. His poker face was legendary; he never rushed through a game; and he didn't like to gloat when he won. He played for the love of it and he had earned his title as CC King many times over.

When he played his character card, something stirred faintly in her memory.

"A, 4, 6, 9," she read aloud. "Your stats look familiar…"

He shrugged at her comment. "We played a game about a month ago, remember? You probably saw the values then."

"Sorry, can I—" Quistis lifted the Squall card from the board and examined it closely. "Oh!" she whispered.

"What is it?"

"I remember now!" she exclaimed.

It was the day that she had seen Seifer's deck of Triple Triad cards fall out of his safe.

Squall's stats were a mirror of Seifer's stats!

More significantly, what if Seifer's Triple Triad card could be used as the library card!?

"You look like you've just solved a mystery."

"Yes." Quistis tried to contain her excitement as she returned the card to the board. "Yes, this is a good discovery. I hope it's the solution that I've been looking for. Squall, I'm so glad you asked me to play cards today!"

His look of bemusement persisted as she put down her next card.

Squall won the game.

"Quistis."

"Yes?"

"You're the only one who hasn't taken time off since the war. I know there's a lot on your plate right now, but don't let your workload stop you," he advised. "Life will still go on, okay?"

"Okay."

Perhaps a vacation would soon become a possibility for her.


Quistis brought a peace offering to their next session.

He squinted at the miniscule print on the bottle. "Allergy eye drops…?"

"For work," she clarified. "You said that your eyes get irritated from the dust and mold."

Seifer regarded her with surprise. "No, I didn't."

"What…?"

"Yeah, I mentioned the dust and mold from the books—but no, I didn't say anything about my eyes."

Had he really not mentioned anything about an allergic reaction?

"Quistis…" He grinned slowly. "Didn't know you cared so much."

She was momentarily flustered. "Yes, well…I hope you feel better, Seifer."

"I'm still mad at you, though."

"I'm truly sorry for what I said last time. It was definitely out of line."

"Fine," sighed Seifer. "I was gonna make you grovel, but since you sound so sincere…I guess I'll forgive you."

"I believe you," she said sincerely. "About your injury. About your friend."

"You wanna meet my friend sometime?"

"I would love to."


"Word on the street," said Quistis in an undertone, "is that you're quite the up-and-coming artist."

Irvine cracked up, his laughter effusive. "Darlin,' that was the last thing I was expecting you to say."

Quistis frowned. "I'm being serious, Irvine!"

"I know you're being serious," he replied as he polished Exeter. "But why the undercover vibe?"

"Are you accepting jobs?"

"In the world of art, we like to call 'em commissions."

"Then I'd like to propose a commission."

He grinned knowingly. "A secret commission, from the sound of it."

"That's exactly it."

He carefully set aside his gun and steepled his hands. "What can I do for you?"

Quistis took a breath to steady herself. "Are you able to create a replica of Seifer's Triple Triad card…?"

Irvine considered the task without breaking eye contact. "Yeah, I think I can do that."

To her astonishment, he held back his curiosity about her strange request.

"Thank you, Irvine." She discreetly handed him an envelope of gil. "I appreciate your assistance."

He took out half of the gil and returned it to her.

"A special discount for the ladies," he declared with a wink.


Quistis was worried that she wouldn't be able to find the university again. If she had learned anything from these past trips—first into Nida's mind, next into Seifer's—it was that their subconscious tended to drop her into random locations subject to their present state of mind.

She was thrilled when she ended up exactly where she needed to be.

She removed Irvine's detailed work of art from her jacket pocket and handed it to PJ, hoping that it was her means to get inside of The Seifer Almasy Private Library.

PJ beamed. "This looks like a genuine library card to me!"

Quistis beamed back, rejoicing at her success.

"Please follow me."

The Head Librarian flicked her wrist delicately, causing the glass barrier to temporarily deactivate.

Quistis stepped past the threshold.

And she gasped upon discovering that the innermost section of the library was in ruins.

"There was an earthquake," announced PJ somberly. "A good chunk of the collection was permanently lost, though I tried to salvage what I could."

"I'm so sorry to hear that…"

Did an earthquake represent emotional disturbance? Was Quistis the one who had caused this natural disaster?

"I'll leave you to browse around. Please let me know if you need help finding anything."

"Thank you, PJ."

Quistis scanned the books in the History section. Some were based on events and some were based on people. She saw a title named after her, My Lifelong Relationship with Quistis Trepe, but conscientiously chose not to look at it. She had to draw a line somewhere, and she figured that her safest bet was to find a general source of motivation for Seifer—something that could potentially revive his spirits and fill him with hope again. Anything other than that would be a distraction.

Her eyes chanced upon a thick tome called Beautiful Dreams: Evolving into New Versions of Myself. She laboriously removed it from the shelf and sat down on the floor with the book in her lap.

"No…"

The text was redacted to the point that she couldn't make out any whole thoughts. She saw fragments of words—woebegone, rhapsodic, impassioned!—cushioned between dark blots of ink that seemingly wiped out all of Seifer's dreams from the universe.

Troubled, she flipped through the pages with trembling fingers: black, more black, nothing but black streaks on white space.

"I understand," she whispered softly to his subconscious. "You don't want me to see…"

Quistis turned to the last page in the book. She was astounded to find something there.

In small, cramped handwriting and faded ink:

DON'T LOSE MYSELF.


"Did you solve the riddle?" asked Rinoa eagerly.

"Believe it or not, I did."

"That's amazing!"

"I couldn't have done this without you…"

"We make a nifty team, that's for sure. So what'll you do next?"

"One riddle opened up another riddle. At least, I think it's another riddle…" Quistis sucked in her cheeks, meditating. "I'm actually not sure if I made any progress through these subconscious visits, but I do believe I can create a more personalized treatment plan for my remaining sessions with Seifer."

"Seifer is lucky to have someone who invests so much in him," said Rinoa with a wink.

Quistis' smile faded. "Without him knowing about it, you mean."

"Not everything was done in secret! Think of all your therapy sessions. You had real conversations together, right? That comes out to a ton of hours."

"I suppose you're right."

"By the way, what happened to President Nida and First Lady Xu!?"

"They've come to a bit of a standstill."

"Aw, really?"

"I'm hoping things can still work out for them."

"I hope so too. Oh, and Quisty?"

"Yes, Rinoa?"

"Please don't burn yourself out!"

Angelo barked in agreement.


"I have a confession to make," said Seifer without preamble.

"Sure," said Quistis. "Whenever you're ready."

"That time I got pissed at you for accusing me of having an imaginary friend? Well, I actually used to have one as a kid."

"What was your imaginary friend like?"

"Young. Pretty. Gentle. She took my side no matter what and protected me wherever I went…"

Quistis smiled at the way his tone softened. "She sounds lovely, Seifer."

"Her name was Princess Jukebox."

Quistis feigned ignorance. "What an enchanting name."

"She appeared in my dream last night," continued Seifer. "She was just like I remembered."

There was a long pause.

"You were in my dream, too."

A chilling sensation crawled beneath her skin. These words might have sounded romantic in any other context, but right now they simply sounded wrong.

Seifer wasn't supposed to feel her presence in his subconscious, right?

Or did these concepts belong to different realms: his dreams versus his subconscious?

But didn't his dreams ultimately manifest in his subconscious?

She swallowed down the shakiness in her voice. "What was I doing in your dream?"

"You and PJ were talking to each other. I couldn't hear what the conversation was about."

"I see…"

Seifer looked her straight in the eyes.

"It didn't seem like the first time you guys had met."