Chapter Title: Kossi's Grave
Series Title: Unlikely Brothers
Ages in this chapter: Tanner (11), Dashen (16)
Chapter Summary: Dashen breaks from the world to visit his brother's gravesite.
Sometimes I just needed to be alone. Me and my thoughts. Me and my memories of Kossi.
Life was busy these days. I was running constantly for Colton. I was raising Tanner to the best of my abilities. I had an apartment to keep up. Colton had us in training twice a week for everything from weapons to stealth to star tracking (that last one was weird).
There were days when taking a breath seemed to require actual thought.
Not complaining about being busy. It kept my mind from floundering, it kept me focused. Keeping busy was what I wanted. Just… every so often… the sometimes chaos around me swirled so badly that my world needed to stop or I'd go insane. I'd get this whole-mind-and-body need to dwell in my past. To think about Kossi. To get lost in my memories of him.
I held this fear that one day I'd forget him; that he'd not be foremost in my thoughts and in my heart.
No, no, no, and no! Kossi deserved to be in my heart for as long as I lived.
It's how it should be and how it had to be.
Which is why I was here alone. Sitting on the hillside, not far from his gravesite. The place I'd buried him, numb with pain, tears flowing rivers down my face. It's where I could best remember him now.
So quiet was this hillside. It's why Kossi loved it so much. Well, that and he said it had a purple hue to it when it shined in the sun. That kid found the beauty in everything and anything. Personally, I never saw any purple in the greens and brown and yellows, but he had, and it's what mattered.
"Hey Kos." I said out loud. "It's been about four years now, I guess. Close to it. Still hurts like hell that you're gone. But I've been trying. I really have, with a job and raising this Jedi kid. He's such a good kid. A lot like you too. You'd like him. He's helping to keep me sane. To keep me from falling back into that depression I suffered when I lost you. I'm hanging in there. You always had faith in me for the future. Just… it's a future without you. At times, it feels impossible. I keep trying though. For you, little brother, I keep trying."
And I did. I would. I had a job. I had a kid to look after. I had adult responsibilities. Of course, I'd had those responsibilities of adulthood for a time now. When our folks died, I dropped any ambition I may have had at a normal future, went to work full time, found a cheap place to live and offered my little brother the best life I could. It wasn't much, but it was my most determined effort. I'd been an adult since age eleven. I was almost seventeen now. Apparently once it begins, adulting never ends and it never gets easier.
Sometimes… I didn't want to be an adult.
But what do you do? I could give up again. That had gotten me nowhere the first time. I couldn't even end my life correctly back then. Trying again seemed fruitless and… no. I owed it to Kossi to fight and to live. I owed it to the people in my life that counted on me. Those who had fought with me and for me. Sure, there were only two of those people, but at this point, they were family. Walking out on them was wrong.
"I wish I had your wisdom, Kos." I began again. "You were so young, but always so sure. You knew how to do this whole impossible life thing. For me… for me, it's so damned hard. You said I was strong though, I remember. Making it a point that I understood that, it was part of your purpose. But being strong all day, everyday? That's the toughest. I look to you often. What would Kossi do? How would Kossi react? You didn't get the chance to do this adulting thing. Knowing you though? You'd have done it better than anyone."
Absently, my left hand wiped at falling stray tears. I usually cried when I thought of my brother. And he deserved every bead of water. Today though, today I realized that I had to be better. I could keep Kossi with me, close to me and still function in the reality of my current life. Right? I could manage that.
"Tanner's a good kid. As I said, he's so much like you. And he lost everything, just as I did when you died. I'm doing my best by him. Trying hard to be that best big brother you always claimed me to be. I guess I'm doing all right. I do love that kid. I hope that's okay. Me raising another little brother. You'd never say no to helping others. But sometimes this feels different, almost like I'm tarnishing your memory by letting Tanner get so close. Then I think about you and I know it's the wrong feeling. I can hold a piece of you both and still love you both. No one will ever replace you, Kos. Not ever. I swear it with my soul. But Tanner needs me and I need him and we're brothers and… damn it, I miss the hell out of you every stupid day. Maybe one day, I'll get past it. Maybe not. Maybe I don't want to. Maybe I'm a better person clutched to your memory and the incredible little brother that you were."
I sighed and looked around. Such a peaceful place here on the hillside. Beautiful in every way. Calming and serene. It's why Kossi loved it so. And yeah… maybe it's a little on the purple side too… at certain times of the day.
I looked away from Kossi's grave.
There was a small figure at the hill's base. A thin boy with brunette hair. Nearby, another figure. Much larger. Blonde instead of brunette. Muscled rather than thin. Yeah, Colton wasn't about to let Tanner roam the hills without security nearby. The fact that he himself was that security surprised me. In reality though, it was more than for simple security that Colton was here.
Further in the distance, I did see two shadowed figures. The distinctive double blue-light on their left chests gave them away easily enough. As Colton wasn't allowing the ex-Jedi kid to roam alone, neither was he leaving his own back uncovered. His security - his team - they'd die for him without a second thought. It's how he respected them - as family.
I snorted. What an odd family I'd fallen into. A criminal magnate. A Jedi kid. My weird life.
"Down there, Kos. There's Tanner and Colton. Worried about me. Concerned. Feels nice, you know? After you died, I didn't have anyone to give two craps about me. Then these two came along and I'm not alone anymore. I'd give the galaxy to have you back. I would. But that's not possible and I have these two now. They love me. They keep me safe and sane. It's better than I could have ever hoped. Yet, I still need my time with you. Away from reality. Away from chaos. I should probably go to them though, right? You're okay with that, aren't you? Of course you are. If you were still here, you'd invite them for dinner and make them lifelong friends in the matter of an hour."
I smiled inwardly. Yeah, that was Kossi all right. My eyes caught Tanner's form again slowly making his way up the steep slope. A hand waved to me.
"I should go. But I'll be back soon. Okay, Kos? I love you so much, little brother. My baby brother. My soul. I'll be by to visit you again. I promise. Maybe Tanner can visit too, he always asks about you."
Sucking in one more shuttering breath, I wiped at my face and stood. \\\
"Love you, Kos. Forever and ever."
A wind whispered by. The only breeze of the day. My heart heard what I know my head did not. Kossi's eight-year-old voice, and a loving, "Love you back, big brother. Forever and ever." It wasn't him of course. Just my imagination. Just what my soul wanted so desperately to hear one more time.
More tears. I took a steadying deep breath.
A different voice coming closer. A bit out of breath from the climb, but hurrying to me.
"Dash! We found you. We were worried." Tanner got to me and thumped against my chest in a tight hug. "I had a feeling though that maybe you'd be here."
Really? Was Tanner that in-tuned to me? Or was it his weird Jedi magic? Most likely, I was just this stupidly open book and that wasn't much of a challenge to read.
Nevertheless, I welcomed the hug and returned it with some desperation.
And I'd have stayed wrapped to my brother if it hadn't been for the second person to make it up the steep hill.
"Damn kids. A man of my size is not meant to climb mountains. And Dash, if you say this is a hill not a mountain, I will throttle you."
He wouldn't. Colton was a lot of huff and puff when it came to Tanner and me. He could throttle me, but he wouldn't. I didn't think.
"Where the hell have you been?" He demanded. "Don't ever take off like that and leave your brother stranded. The Empire would have his head in a second."
I knew that. I also knew that I'd not stranded him. Tanner had a security detail on him at all times. Not a detail that could be seen, but he had one and it made him as safe as he could possibly be given the state of the galaxy. Still, Colton was right. I shouldn't have left him like I did, at least without telling him where I was going.
"I'm sorry, Mouse. Swear it. Just… I needed a break from the galaxy. Just for a few minutes." My eyes blinked slowly to the right, toward Kossi's resting place. Tears having dried on my face. Tanner understood. He always did.
Colton did too, only he showed it in much different ways. Tough love I guess they call it? Once he recognized the area where we stood, he softened a bit. He'd kick my butt later.
"Come on, kid." Colton said to me. "We're losing daylight, can't have your brother wandering around in the dark." Meaning it was more difficult to fully protect him. Those Jedi who had survived the slaughter almost two years ago were still hunted. We'd managed through several raids already without detection. No need to press our luck.
Colton set a hand on my shoulder. "Maybe we get your little brother a proper memory stone?" He said unexpectantly.
When I'd buried Kossi, I'd been in a mess. Unable to go an hour without breaking down. I'd marked his grave with a simple gray stone and carved his initials into it. It was sloppy and filled with emotion. Giving him a proper stone?
"Could we do that, Colt?" I asked, hopeful.
"You tell me what you want the stone to say. The color. The material. I'll make it happen. We can place it right next to the stone you memorialized for him."
Yeah, my makeshift stone, it was pretty bad, but it was me at the time. I had poured every ounce of myself to give what I could then. I'd never replace it…
"Kossi deserves that." I said through blurry eyes.
Tanner took my hand and led me toward a path down the hill. On the way, he said to me, "You deserve it too, Dash. You know that, right? To remember your brother in best way? I can help you, if you want."
Help me design the memory stone Kossi had earned during his few but meaningful years in this life? I'd take Tanner up on that offer in a second.
And I did.
"Thanks, Mouse. I'd appreciate that."
Next to us, Colton hovered large. His shadow shading our decent in the remaining daylight. "Head to Kebrey and the ground car." The hills a distance from home, Colton was not taking any chances even though there wasn't actually a threat. Worked for me. I was tired emotionally and emotion wore me out physically. No need to walk the distance and fall on my face halfway there.
And sure enough the second we loaded into the back of the ground car, I collapsed sideways and breathed out a heavy breath.
Tanner, love him, sat right with me and placed a hand on the side of my head, combing my long hair with his fingers. His Force magic wasn't the strongest - he was only barely eleven years old - I could feel the calmness though.
Tendrils of calm he called them. Said that his Master Ayden used it to calm his nerves and anxieties when he was young. Probably my emotional state at the moment caused it, but I felt myself drifting off. The blackness of sleep pulling hard at my mind.
"Dash, stay awake. We'll be home soon and I don't think Colton wants to carry you inside."
The side of my mouth twitched, trying to smile. Just that thought, Colton luging me around - not a chance.
"Nah. Draggin' me maybe. By my hair, my ear. Somethin' painful. M'awake, Mouse. Swear it." I could feel the slur to my words if not hear it. Tanner's tendrils of calm were most welcomed. If I couldn't sleep, my mind could settle. Tanner kept it up too, right until we pulled into the estate grounds.
"Dash." Tanner said softly.
Reluctantly, I sat upright and rubbed at my temple. "M'up!" Headache creeping in. Just hoped it wasn't one of my infamous migraines. Last thing I needed.
What I did need was sleep. A lot of it. My head couldn't hit the bed pillow fast enough.
And while Colton didn't exactly carry or drag me to my room, he did make sure I got up the steps without tripping over my feet and roll-thumping down the stairs. That would not have been graceful.
"You got him, kid?" That was Colton talking to Tanner.
"He's tall."
I was tall. Not nearly as tall as Colton, but significant over my little brother. He'd do his best to help me into bed… he'd do better with assistance from the big man.
Colton responded with, "I've got him." And it was like I wasn't even a player in this thing except for the fact that I was the one being hauled around.
Without a thought, I was settled into my bed. Tanner removed my boots while Colton pulled off my jacket.
"You'll be all right, Dash. I'm scheduling you for a bit of downtime. Two days and don't argue with me. I'll assign another runner to your jobs."
I think I nodded? Or maybe I just blinked. No idea. I was fading fast. Faster now that Tanner again set his hand to my head. Calm. Quiet. Here I went.
My eyes closed. My mind with it. The last thing I remembered was Tanner reminding me of my past, and reminding me too of how much I adored this kid. This new little brother in my life. Never to take place of Kossi, but Tanner? He was something special.
"Kossi will always be your soul, Dash. And he deserves every thought and every memory you keep of him."
Tanner's hand on my forearm sending more calming Force vibes as I faded into a much needed oblivion.
END
