Okay, Sugar Puffle, here is a new chapter for you. Do I get a return? And Gunni, if you fancy updating one of your stories at all, don't feel shy now! I hope you all like this chapter… IJKS xxx
Chapter Twenty-Six
When Joey awoke, she found that Charlie was gone. She sank back against the pillows with memories from the night before tumbling like an avalanche in her mind.
"Great," she muttered to herself.
She jumped when the door opened. Charlie stood in the doorway holding a tray.
"Hey, are you okay?" Charlie asked. "It's just me."
"I'm fine," Joey said. "You just startled me."
"You thought I'd taken off," Charlie realised.
Joey smiled guiltily.
"I made you breakfast," Charlie said shyly, waving the tray at her.
She ventured further into the room and set it down on Joey's lap. She'd even cut a flower from the garden and put it in a little vase. Joey smiled, touched. She watched Charlie slide back into the bed beside her.
"We should talk," Charlie said.
"Yeah," Joey agreed. "We should."
The two of them sat side by side in awkward silence.
"So, um…" Joey ventured.
"Joey, I love you," Charlie blurted out.
Joey dropped her juice glass, spilling it over the tray.
"Oh!" she exclaimed, grabbing at the serviette and trying to mop up the mess. Charlie hurried to help and Joey put the tray down on the floor, deciding she shouldn't hold things during their conversation. She looked at Charlie wide eyed, desperate for her to say something more. Charlie bit her lip anxiously. Her mouth was dry and her breathing was shallow.
"Sorry," she finally managed. "I'm not good at sharing. I don't really do feelings so when I spontaneously have one and decide to say it out loud, it just kind of happens."
"It's… its okay. I was just shocked. Of all the things I was expecting to come out of your mouth, that wasn't it."
Charlie nodded.
"You were expecting me to say something like 'last night was a mistake', right?"
"Right," Joey said.
"It wasn't. But I still don't know where we go from here."
She looked nervously into Joey's expectant eyes. She didn't think she would ever fail to be captivated by the depths of soul she saw in them. She closed her own eyes and took a deep breath. When she opened them, Joey was still earnestly searching her face. Charlie got lost again. She reached out to touch her, stroking her face and relishing the feel of Joey's skin under her fingertips. Just being near her made her heart race. Joey leaned into Charlie's palm, pressing her face in close to her. If this was going to turn out badly, then she wanted to be as close to Charlie as she could before their time was over.
"Do you want to say something or are you happy for me to ramble?" Charlie asked.
"Ramble away," Joey said affectionately.
Charlie reluctantly removed her hand and let it rest in her lap.
"When I realised I had feelings for you, I got the shock of my life. I've never even so much as looked at another woman before and now you're all that I can see. You make me so happy, Joey. I never knew I could be so happy until I met you. You're funny and sweet and kind and you're the most beautiful person I've ever seen in my life. When we kissed the first time, I panicked because it confirmed everything I'd been pretending I wasn't feeling about you, that I was falling for you."
Charlie took a breath and glanced at Joey who was gazing at her, fascinated. She swallowed hard before continuing.
"It was the best kiss I have ever had. And then last night I got so caught up in you, in us that I had to kiss you again and now that kiss is competing with the first. And they're making every other person I have ever kissed seemed absolutely useless."
She smiled. Joey smiled back and continued to listen.
"I just feel like I'm being pulled in different directions right now," Charlie said. "I know that I love you and being with you, at least as we have been, feels so right to me. I love doing things with you and for you, I love being so close to you and there have been so many moments over these last few weeks that I've so desperately wanted it to be more."
Joey wanted to tell her that she felt the same but she didn't want to interrupt her flow. Revealing such raw feelings, really letting someone get inside her head and her heart was not a Charlie thing to do.
"But there's this voice screaming in my head that it's a mistake."
Her voice became hollow and Joey sighed audibly, making Charlie looked up at her sadly.
"I'm terrified about what it would mean for me, what my friends and my family would think. Ruby already thinks there's something going on and she hasn't exactly been thrilled about it and my Dad… do I really want his last memories of me being…?"
She sighed.
"Then there's work. All I've ever wanted to do was keeping climbing the career ladder. Personal stuff has always been secondary to that and I don't know what impact falling for a woman would have on my opportunities for promotion. If you don't fit the norm…"
She closed her eyes.
"I know that my feelings for you are real, Joey and they're so strong but I don't know if I'm strong enough to deal with them and what they mean."
"Is loving me that terrible?" Joey asked quietly.
"No!" Charlie said desperately. "No, that's not what I mean. Please don't put it that way."
"It's just… it sounds like falling for me is the worst thing that could ever have happened to you."
"It's not. It's just the most confusing. And the most powerful."
They gazed at each other.
"So, one voice is telling you to be with me and one voice is telling you not to, right?" Joey asked.
Charlie nodded.
"Which one are you going to listen to?"
"I wish I knew."
She surprised herself by bursting into tears. Instinctively, Joey reached out to hold her, feeling responsible for her pain somehow. Charlie accepted her comfort, sinking into her embrace. Joey ran her thumb across her cheek, wiping her tears away.
"I don't want to hurt you, Charlie," she said softly. "I don't want to cause you pain."
"You're not. It's not you. I'm just so lost, so messed up in my head. You know, I'd probably be no good for you anyway."
"Can't I be the judge of that?" Joey asked. "Charlie, I think you're incredible. You're the most beautiful woman I've ever met, in every single way. The kind of connection we have is like nothing I've ever experienced before. It's special. We can see into each other's souls. Do you feel that?"
"I do."
"I know you're scared but isn't it more frightening to think that we could let all that slip away from us?"
Charlie hadn't thought about it that way before. She'd been so caught up with her fears about people finding out and judging her harshly that she hadn't considered how she would feel if she let Joey go. Thinking about it, she knew she would hate herself if she lost her.
"I don't even know if I could make you happy," she said nervously. "If I could even… I wouldn't know what to do. I'd be scared of disappointing you and then you'd leave me and the whole thing would be for nothing."
She looked utterly terrified. Joey took a couple of moments to figure out what she meant. She held Charlie tighter.
"Charlie, you're panicking way too much about too many things," she said gently. "Why don't we just take it slowly? There doesn't have to be all this pressure. Why can't we just carry on like we have been but a little more intimate? And it doesn't have to be sex or anything just now. It could just be kisses… whatever you're comfortable with. And we don't have to shout it from the rooftops if you don't want to. We can take everything at your pace. I mean, I don't even know if I'm ready for anything heavy after... everything. I'm scared too but maybe if we're together we won't be scared anymore."
Charlie considered it. She studied Joey's lips. No pressure sounded like a wonderful idea and she really did love kissing her. Joey's plan sounded perfect. She smiled and inched forward. Joey met her half way. They kissed with passion and relief and without fear of rejection.
