Chapter Fifty-Six

Joey's heart leapt into the throat as she began to fret over what Charlie might have to say. Were there complications from Charlie's surgery? Was she okay? Why was she looking so frightened? She forced herself to regain control and plaster a smile on her face.

"Charlie, what is it?" she asked. "What's wrong?"

"Joey, I'm so scared that you're going to hate me," Charlie admitted.

"Just tell me," Joey said. "Whatever it is, we can... we'll be okay."

Charlie held Joey's hands. She knew it was now or never. Joey was her world, she loved her more than anything and she didn't want to keep any secrets from her. She just wanted to be honest, even if it was painful. It felt strange because she had never considered sharing this part of her soul with anyone else before. Her parents and her aunt had been the only ones who knew her secret and she thought that was the way it would stay. It was one of the reasons why she had so pointedly refused to share her life too intimately with any partner. But as with everything else, Joey was different. She wanted to open up to her. Taking a breath she attempted to speak.

"I was um... I was going to um... uh... I'd been going to tell you on the boat but then... then, well, you know what happened. You were there. It's... well, this is something I've never told anyone before except for my parents and my aunt. My aunt knew. It's always been a secret but I wanted... I wanted to tell you because... because I love you and I want to spend my life with you. I don't want to tell you any lies, even by omission. I want... I want to always tell you the truth, even about the parts of myself, my life that I hate, that make me feel sick."

Joey listened intently, unnerved by how pale Charlie was. She held onto her hand, gently stroking her skin to silently reassure her that she was there and that she loved her.

"Joey, when I was thirteen, I... I um, I got pregnant."

Joey stopped her stroking motion. Charlie noticed immediately and became paler. She hates me and she doesn't even know the worst part yet, she thought to herself. Joey didn't speak; she just waited for Charlie to continue.

"I didn't know what to do so I didn't tell anybody until I was four months gone," Charlie told her. "I told my parents and they were really supportive. They took care of me but I couldn't... I couldn't keep the baby. I was too young and the..."

She swallowed, a lump sticking in her throat. Joey noted the tremble in her hands. More tears began to cascade down Charlie's face. Joey reached out her free hand to gently wipe them away. Charlie looked up at her fearfully, surprised that she hadn't run off already. She tried to keep speaking but she began to cough instead. Joey slipped off the bed. Charlie panicked for a moment until she realised that Joey was just pouring her a glass of water. She offered it to Charlie who shakily brought it to her lips, taking several gulps. She continued to wipe her eyes. Joey put the glass back down and hopped back onto the bed again, taking Charlie's hand once more.

"Take your time," Joey said patiently.

"What happened was..." Charlie began. "Well it wasn't... it wasn't like some romance that ended badly. I mean, I guess in a way it was but... but the thing is, it wasn't..."

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, clinging a little tighter to Joey's hand. She wondered why it was so hard to tell Joey. It wasn't as if Joey wouldn't understand what she'd been through.

"It wasn't consensual," Charlie said quickly.

Joey felt sick as Charlie's words made a horrific kind of sense. Images of that day on the boat with Robbo flashed in her mind and she fought to chase them away, only to have them replaced by a younger Charlie in agony.

"You mean...?"

"I was raped," Charlie admitted.

Tears began before Joey could stop them. Her heart was pounding. She cast her mind back to how Charlie had been with her when she'd been attacked by Robbo and so many things made sense, including how desperately hard Charlie had worked to make Joey go to the hospital to make sure she wasn't pregnant and hadn't caught anything.

"Joey?" Charlie said meekly, when her girlfriend hadn't verbally reacted for a little while.

"Sorry," Joey said. "I just... the thought of you having to go through that, it..."

She trailed off and looked down at their hands. Charlie studied what she could see of Joey's face, trying to read her expression. Joey counted to three, forcing herself to gather her senses together. She needed to be strong for Charlie, to be supportive and understanding. She looked up.

"I'm so sorry for what you went through," she said. "It was bad enough when... But to be so young and to get pregnant. My heart is breaking for you. You must have been... And to look at you now, to see how strong you are..."

She wasn't sure she was making much sense. She had too many thoughts in her head and she was desperate to say the right thing.

"You're not disappointed in me?" Charlie asked worriedly.

"What? No! How could I be? Charlie, nothing that happened to you was your fault."

Charlie licked her lips. It meant the world to her that Joey was so validating, so forgiving.

"Is that why... why you wanted to help me so much?" Joey asked.

"Partly," Charlie said. "What happened to you brought back a lot of memories. I never... I never got justice. I never pressed charges. For me, I never got closure. It's just an old wound that got covered over but never really healed. Maybe I wanted to get justice for you so badly because I couldn't get it for myself. I wanted to protect you because I couldn't protect myself. Do you hate me for that?"

"I could never hate you, Charlie. And I understand. I never wanted to press charges, you know that. But once I'd gone ahead and he was in jail, I felt better. I felt better that he was beginning to pay for what he'd done. I know we still have the trial to go but already, I'm starting to heal. And you did that for me."

Charlie nodded, holding Joey a little tighter.

"It wasn't just that," Charlie said. "I wanted you to have justice, Joey. And I was drawn to you before I knew the situation. I know I approached you because you were stressed but I remember thinking then that you were the most beautiful person I'd ever seen in my life. Even then, however inappropriate it might have been, there was an attraction."

Joey's mind flashed to Brett's accusation.

"Is that why you freaked so badly over Brett saying what he did?" she asked.

Charlie nodded.

"The thought of being like Robbo or Grant... the idea of being labelled as someone who could hurt another person the way that I've been hurt, the way you were... I couldn't handle it. I didn't know what to do. It made me feel disgusting all over again. All the self-hatred that came up at the time, it came rushing back."

"Grant," Joey said. "That was his name?"

Charlie nodded.

"He was... he was my boyfriend at the time. My Dad wasn't too happy about me seeing him because I was a very young thirteen and Grant had a reputation for dating girls and dumping them. A lot. But I didn't listen. I let him take me out on a few dates and I had my first kiss with him. I thought he was wonderful but sex was the last thing on my mind. I wasn't planning on sleeping with anyone for a long time. And I didn't. After that happened, I didn't go near a guy until I was twenty. And then started my spate of jumping into bed with men and not being able to stay with them, not thinking anything through. Until I met you. You changed everything."

Charlie opened her arms, asking Joey to come and lie with her. Joey shifted and rested her head on Charlie's chest. She listened to her heartbeat and felt the vibration of her voice as Charlie began to talk again.

"You were the first person to have ever made me want to open up. I've never talked about what happened with Grant. Even with my parents, after the baby was born, we stopped talking about it. During the whole thing, we talked a lot and they made me see a counsellor a few times. But other than that, I kept it all in. I shut down."

"Was it a boy or a girl?" Joey asked. "Do you mind me asking?"

Charlie swallowed. She was tempted not to share the rest of the story. Joey had been so accepting so far but she didn't know if it would continue if she told her the whole truth. Sighing, she knew she had to.

"I had a little girl. We hadn't reached any conclusions by the time I gave birth to her. We didn't know whether I was keeping her or having her adopted or anything. I think I secretly hoped that if I held her and looked into her eyes, that she'd melt all my pain away and I could look past what had happened to me. But it didn't happen that way."

Joey snuggled in tighter and took hold of Charlie's hand again.

"I was completely numb. We took her home and I couldn't do anything with her. I tried to breastfeed, thinking it might make us bond but I couldn't do it so she was a bottle baby. I just couldn't take care of her. Mum and Dad were doting grandparents. They loved her easily and I let them take over. One night, I went in to see... her and I said goodbye. I went off to see my aunt and left the baby with my parents. I lived with Auntie Michelle for a year. She helped me try and get over what had happened, put me back on a steadier path. I kept in touch with my parents and they kept me updated about my daughter."

Joey furrowed her brow as she skipped a few paces ahead. The baby would be sixteen now and Charlie hadn't mentioned Ruby at all. She sat back up and looked imploringly into Charlie's eyes. Charlie looked away, realising that Joey had worked it out.

"I went home," Charlie said. "I was older and stronger and I thought I could cope. Even though we hadn't bonded, I did love her. I'd always loved her. But when I got back home, everything was different. Mum and Dad were her parents, not her grandparents. She worshipped them and I was a stranger to her. In the first year of her life, she'd come to know Mum as her Mum and Dad as her Dad. So that's how... it's how we lived. Ruby's been my sister ever since."

Joey could hardly believe what Charlie was telling her and yet, once again, things started to make sense. She'd always been over protective. She behaved as her guardian, her protector, her mother.

"Joey, please say something," Charlie begged.

"I'm just... wow. And she has no idea?"

"None. And I never want her to know. I don't see the point of shattering her world and changing everything she knows. And I don't want her to think of herself as product of... that."

Joey nodded slowly. She supposed it wouldn't achieve anything to tell Ruby, although she felt bad for the girl not knowing the truth. Her whole life had essentially been a lie.

"I guess you hate me now, hey? I'm just a big, fat liar."

"Well, you're not very big," Joey said with the hint of a smile. "And you're definitely not fat. And as for lying... you did what you had to do. You did your best for her. You were in an impossible situation."

Charlie smiled affectionately, grateful for Joey's gentleness.

"Do you... do you still want to be with me?" she asked nervously, hoping she knew the answer.

"Of course I do," Joey said, leaning in closer. "Charlie, I won't lie and say this isn't a big deal. It is. I feel like my head's going to explode to learn so much about you... so much painful stuff... all in one go but it doesn't change how I feel about you. It doesn't make me not want to be with you anymore."

She leant in even closer and pressed her lips softly against Charlie's. They rested their foreheads together.

"I'm in this for the long haul," Joey promised. "My heart breaks for what you went through but I'm not going to judge you for it. I feel honoured that you've told me, that you trust me enough to share this with me."

"I want to share everything with you," Charlie said. "Always."