Chapter Fifty-Eight

Charlie and Joey lay side by side underneath the blankets, holding hands over the top of them. They'd eaten breakfast and Charlie was feeling a little better now that she'd taken her painkillers.

"Thank you for being so good to me," Charlie said softly.

"Why would I be anything else to you?" Joey asked.

She reached out and tenderly stroked Charlie's face. Leaving her palm on Charlie's cheek, she was pleased to see her smile. Her eyes were so blue today. Joey thought they looked clearer somehow, as if Charlie's soul was unburdened when she looked at her, like there was not one single thing that could come between them.

"It's strange," Charlie said. "When I found you in that store closet, I didn't realise then that I'd met my soul mate."

Joey put her hand back inside Charlie's and she rested heavier against the pillow, still looking into Charlie's eyes.

"Me neither," she replied. "I knew I'd met someone special. That day... you saved me, Charlie. You saved me from a moment when I truly don't know what I might have done next. And you saved me from a situation I never thought I'd ever be able to escape. But I didn't know you were my soul mate. I didn't think that anyone as incredible as you would even so much as look at me."

Charlie smiled affectionately.

"I couldn't stop looking at you," she said.

Joey blushed and studied their entwined fingers, feeling suddenly shy.

"I didn't understand why at the time but it became clear soon enough. And it frightened me because I'd never so much as noticed another girl like that before. And also because our connection was deeper than anything I'd ever known. I think I knew then that the day would come when I'd have to open up and share all this with you. It terrified me. I thought I'd lose you."

"You'd have to do something pretty terrible in order to lose me, Charlie."

"Haven't I done something terrible?"

"No. Something terrible was done to you. There's a difference."

"But I've lied to Ruby for her entire life. That's a bad thing."

"It is. And part of me wants to tell you to tell her the truth..."

"Joey, I can't!" Charlie protested.

"I know," Joey said softly but firmly. "I know you can't. I understand your reasoning. And I support you. I love you. I will always support you and I will always love you. No matter what."

Charlie closed the gap between them and kissed Joey softly on the lips.

"Sometimes I've wondered what it would be like to tell her," she said thoughtfully. "I've played out in my head what words I'd use. I wonder what she'd say, how she'd feel. I have this little fantasy that she'd realise that I only did what I thought was best for her, that'd she'd forgive me and understand and that we'd be able to be mother and daughter the way we were meant to be. And it makes me so happy but then I feel like a fool because it'd never happen."

"Well, it wouldn't right away but Charlie, Ruby loves you. Eventually, she might..."

"She wouldn't. She'd never get over it."

Joey nodded, trusting that Charlie knew her sister... her daughter best.

"And I just couldn't explain the circumstances to her," Charlie continued. "I'd have to in order to make her understand and I know I'd end up telling it exactly how it was, how real and raw and soul destroying it was in order to really make her hear me. And that would hurt her. I would hate for her to know that's where... what she came from."

Joey squeezed Charlie's hands gently. She was well aware of just how hard it was to tell of a rape ordeal, let alone if you were telling it to the child who'd been created because of it. Once again, images of what Robbo had done to her below the deck of the boat flashed into her mind and she forced them away. Charlie knew the graphic details of what had happened. Joey had been forced to reveal all during her police interview. Telling the whole truth had been excruciating. She'd felt like she was reliving it.

"Did you ever talk about it?" she asked. "You know, in detail? Like I had to?"

"No," Charlie said. "I didn't press charges and I wasn't keen on opening up that way to the counsellor. Mum and Dad didn't ask for those kinds of details. I shared a little of it with Auntie Michelle but other than that, you're the only person who knows anything."

Joey supposed that everyone knew now what had happened to her. But that was because of the arrest and Robbo's second attack. She had actually only discussed it with three people – Charlie, Aden and Ruby. And again, only Charlie knew the details.

"I thought he was a nice boy," Charlie said suddenly.

Her words surprised both of them. Joey ensured she gave her partner her full attention and all the time and space to talk that she wanted.

"I mean, he had a reputation but he was so charming. He seemed like such an adult, you know? When I was around him, I felt really special. I have no doubt in my mind that he's gone on to do it again and again and I feel sick with guilt thinking about it."

"Charlie, you can't feel guilty about that..."

"But if I'd have pressed charges..."

"Why didn't you?" Joey asked. "Your Dad was a cop after all."

"I kept quiet about it until I realised I was pregnant. And I didn't know I was pregnant until I was four months gone. Up until that point I was just hoping that I could sweep it all under the carpet and forget about the whole thing. I was feeling sick and faint and stuff. It all turned out to be pregnancy related but at the time I just assumed it was stress and panic coming out."

Joey nodded. She hadn't been pregnant but she'd thrown up a lot after Robbo had raped her. Once again, Charlie's worry and concern over whether Joey could have got pregnant or picked up and infection from him flashed through her mind. She wondered, not for the first time, what she would have done if one of those things had come true. She couldn't even bear to consider it now. And she couldn't imagine what on earth she would have done if she'd have done if she'd have been thirteen. She didn't judge Charlie. She respected her.

"Dad told me that there wasn't enough physical evidence and that there was no point pressing charges because it would just be his word against mine. It hurt. It hurt a lot. It made me feel like my Dad didn't believe in me. I knew... I knew he believed what I'd told him but he had no faith in getting justice. So Grant just got off scot free after what he'd done. I'd been left with this burden, this life sentence and he got set free."

Charlie let her tears flow. Joey guided her into her arms and held her close, stroking her hair and kissing the top of her head.

"Do you know what's really weird?" Charlie said when she could finally talk again.

"What?"

"One of the things that I dwelled on for the longest time was my grief over the fact that he stole my virginity. I find that strange. But I guess it helped to get mad about something, to get fixated on a detail instead of thinking about everything as a whole."

"I get it," Joey said. "And it's not an insignificant thing, Charlie. He stole your virginity. That's... that's heartbreaking. A person's first time is something they daydream about, something they always remember. It's meant to be special. He took that from you. It is something to be angry over. There's so much to be furious about. And focussing on the details, something like that, in a weird way, it does help. You can divert your pain over what was done to you by working yourself up over a smaller part of it. He stole your innocence. Robbo forced me to do something I never would otherwise have done. I'd never gone near a guy before in my life aside from the odd kiss when I was a teenager. I never slept with a man and I never planned to and now he's the one and only that technically I have."

The women held each other a little tighter, broken by their shared experience.

"When you told me the details of what happened to you," Charlie ventured. "I cried."

"I remember."

Sitting in the interview that day had been hard on both of them. They'd already bonded so much by that point, trusted each other, loved each other at least on some level even then. As Joey had told her tale, both their hearts had broken.

"It triggered so much in my head, unlocked so many things," Charlie said. "I was crying for you. I was crying for me. I was crying for every person who'd been hurt like that."

Joey's own tears began to fall slowly and silently, landing in Charlie's hair.

"So much of what you described was similar to what had happened to me," Charlie explained.

Joey's heart sank. She'd hoped that there was some way around it, that perhaps it hadn't been so violent for her.

"My body was covered in bruises like yours was from where he pulled me about," Charlie said.

She recalled Joey's shoulders especially. They'd taken a long time to heal, as had her back. In Charlie's case, she'd bruised her shoulders and wrists and Grant had damaged her hip from kneeling on her at one point, trying to keep her in place. She'd fought him the same way Joey had fought Robbo but it had done neither of them any good.

"And I felt like he'd ripped me apart," Charlie added, breaking down into tears all over again.

Joey cried harder too. She remembered using the phrase to describe the physical and mental feeling. She also remembered the feeling itself in far too painful detail. She hated that Charlie knew exactly what that felt like.

"He bullied me," Charlie said. "He pinned me down. He forced me. And then when he'd finished, he laughed at me. Then he left me to clean myself up."

They shared almost identical stories.