Chapter Fifty-Nine
Charlie was sitting on the sofa watching television and feeling frustrated when Angelo knocked on the door and entered the house. It was only a couple of days later and she still wasn't mobile enough to even be on desk duty and she'd been grumbling about it ever since she'd got home. On his lunch break, Angelo had decided to come and say hello.
"How are you feeling?" he asked, sitting on the opposite sofa.
"Bored," she complained. "Day time TV sucks if you're on sick leave."
Angelo smiled, unable to stop himself thinking how adorable she looked when she pouted.
"How's the pain?" he asked.
"Still there. I feel geriatric with all this wincing and complaining about my hip!"
She's definitely adorable, he decided. Every time he saw her he felt twinges of sadness and longing.
"Joey's been great though," Charlie continued, oblivious. "She brings me my pills and makes sure I don't take them unless I've eaten. And the Doctor gave me this cream to rub into the muscle and Joey does that for me too. It really soothes the pain."
Angelo felt another twinge. He wanted to be the one to look after her, not Joey. Forcing himself to remember that he was seeing May now, he plastered a smile onto his face.
"I'm glad you're being taken care of," he said. "She's not around today?"
"She had to go back to work," Charlie sighed. "But she'll be home in a few hours."
She smiled, obviously looking forward to her girlfriend getting back.
"Oh hey, I never really got a chance to ask you about your date," she said. "How did it go?"
"It was great," Angelo said brightly. "We're seeing each other properly."
Charlie beamed at him.
"That's great news, Angelo. I'm happy for you."
"Yeah, she's amazing," Angelo continued. "She's the most wonderful woman I've ever known. She's beautiful, smart, funny, kind. She's the best girlfriend I've ever had. I think this might be the real thing."
He studied Charlie's face, desperate for some hint of jealousy but Charlie was still smiling. She didn't seem to have registered that he was blatantly saying he liked May more than her.
"It's so great that we've both found the ones we're meant to be with," she said.
Angelo looked down at his hands, disappointed. She really didn't care that he'd moved on. And he hadn't even moved on at all. May was lovely but she was far from 'the one'. Once you'd fallen in love with Charlie Buckton, you didn't recover. Charlie would always be the person he loved most in the world and while he could probably spend years with May, she would never truly compare.
"Yeah, it's wonderful, isn't it?" he said.
Charlie shifted, a quiet cry escaping her lips. Angelo lurched from his seat in fright.
"Are you alright?" he asked worriedly.
"Yeah," she said. "It just hurts when I move."
"I really wish you'd let me arrest the guy."
"I'd prefer just to forget the whole thing."
"But..."
"Angelo, please just leave it," Charlie begged.
He sighed and sat back down. Studying her face, he saw her suddenly looking very sad and thoughtful.
"Charlie, what's wrong?" he asked.
"Nothing," she lied.
For a moment she'd got lost in her memories.
"Charlie?" he persisted.
"It's nothing. I've just got a lot on my mind right now."
"Do you want to talk about it? I'm here if you need me."
"It's fine," she said. "It's just some private stuff. The accident brought up a lot of issues but Joey and I are working through them."
For a moment, Angelo's heart soared.
"Are you and Joey having problems?"
"Oh, no, nothing like that," she replied.
His heart sank again.
"Just some personal issues. Joey's helping me work through them. She's been amazing. She's been my rock."
***
When Ruby and Joey arrived back home, Charlie was in the middle of cooking dinner.
"Charlie, what do you think you're doing?" Joey said.
"Making dinner," Charlie replied.
The new arrivals folded their arms and frowned accusingly.
"I wanted to be helpful," Charlie explained.
She bent to take the salmon out of the oven, wincing as she did so but with her back to her girlfriend and daughter, they couldn't see her.
***
After dinner, Charlie was in a lot of pain. She was pleased to have been useful but she was beginning to think that she had done too much too soon.
"Are you okay, sweetheart?" Joey asked.
"Yeah, I think I just need my meds," Charlie said.
Ruby jumped up and opened the drawer. She handed Charlie's pills over. Charlie tipped them out and put a couple into her mouth and swallowed them down with her orange juice.
"Thanks, Rubes."
"Do you need your cream?" Joey asked.
Charlie nodded.
"Charlie, this isn't getting any better, is it?" Ruby realised, sounding concerned.
"It will," Charlie said with little conviction.
"I think we need to take you back to the hospital," said Joey.
"I can go with you tomorrow," Ruby said.
"What about school?"
"I have gym first thing," Ruby explained. "I'm sure I can miss one class in order to take my sister to the hospital. We can be back in time for my next lesson."
Both women looked set to object.
"It's better than Joey keep missing work," she added.
Charlie sighed. It was true that Joey couldn't keep skipping work for her. And she was in a significant amount of pain that the hospital was looking more and more appealing.
***
Ruby waited a little anxiously for the new Doctor, Sid to finish examining Charlie. Even though she knew it wasn't anything life threatening, she worried about her big sister. She remembered the few times Charlie had wound up in hospital in the line of duty. Those nights had been some of the worst nights of her life. To lose Charlie meant losing everything. Ever since her mother had died and especially since her father's diagnosis, Charlie had been more than her sister. She'd been her guardian, her support, her friend, her everything. Even before then really, Charlie had been especially protective of her and they told each other everything. That's why she'd been so stunned when she'd kept Joey a secret. It wasn't like Charlie to hide something from her. And Charlie was always the strong one. Serious or not, it was awful to be sitting in a hospital waiting for news. She would never admit it but there were nights, especially when her sister was pulling an all-nighter when Ruby would lay awake worrying about her. She just couldn't help it. She leapt up when the door opened and rushed inside just as Charlie was buttoning her trousers back up.
"And just to clarify, there were no complications like this during your pregnancy?"
Charlie's heart lurched. She felt like the truth was always lurking round the corner, ready to leap out at her at every turn these days.
"I've never been pregnant," she said quickly, keeping her eyes fixed firmly on Sid.
She dared not look at Ruby.
"But you've got a caesarean scar," he pointed out, not catching the urgent look in her eyes.
She launched into the well practiced explanation and silently wished that Joey or her father were here to hold her hand. Finally the Doctor seemed to either understand or believe her. He nodded and accepted what she told him.
"Okay," he said. "Fair enough. On a one to ten scale, whereabouts would you rate the pain right about now?"
"About a six," she replied.
"Well, I can give you some pain relief and we'll whip you in for another x-ray and then we'll see where we are, okay?"
"Thanks."
He headed out of the room. Ruby, who had so far remained silent, came to perch on the bed beside her.
"Are you okay?" she asked, noting her stress.
"Yeah," Charlie lied. "I just wish this was all over and I could get back to work."
"You always were a bad patient. I remember when you got that bug when you were twenty-two and you came back to Mum and Dad's to get looked after. I swear I've never heard one person complain so much!"
"Says you!" Charlie laughed. "When you were a baby you had colic so badly you did not stop crying. All day. All night."
Charlie bit her lip hard at the memory and began to play with her hands.
"Are you sure you're okay, Charlz?" Ruby asked. "I know you're hurt but this accident seemed to have really upset you – like more than I would have expected. You seem even more upset than the storm drain incident. Although less drunk. And less having sex with Angelo."
Charlie snorted.
"I'll only be having sex with Joey for the rest of my life," she promised.
"Well that's good. Minus the visuals," Ruby remarked.
"I think I just got a reminder that everything you love can be taken away from you so fast," Charlie said softly. "It's shaken me up a bit, that's all."
Ruby reached out to hug her. Charlie relaxed into the embrace and closed her eyes.
"Well, nobody's going anywhere," Ruby said.
They drew away from each other.
"It must be pretty annoying with doctors keep asking you if you were pregnant," Ruby said.
Charlie tensed.
"It's pretty weird, hey?"
"Just goes to show that doctors don't know half of what they think they do," Charlie said quickly.
"I guess," Ruby shrugged.
***
Charlie sat back down on the hospital bed. She'd had her scan and now Ruby was waiting outside again. The girl had missed nearly half a day of school waiting around for her. Charlie had tried to insist that she leave early but Ruby had refused, mostly because she wanted to be there for Charlie and a little bit because she had no desire to go to the school. She was only human after all. Sid entered the room and began to explain her scans to her, pointing out that during the car accident, Charlie had torn a ligament. He told her that it would eventually go back to normal itself and that mostly it was just a matter of time. He prescribed her some medication and arranged for her to have some physiotherapy anyway.
"Sorry for commenting on your pregnancy by the way," he said as she prepared to leave.
She stopped, frozen in place.
"I know it happened. I'm guessing you just didn't want your sister to know."
"No," she said. "I was very young and it's a secret. I'd like it to stay that way, thank you."
"So this endometriosis thing is fabricated?" he checked.
"Yes. It was fabricated to account for the scar. I had to have a caesarean because I had such a small pelvis. It's all in my notes."
Sid nodded, marvelling at how anybody could keep something like a secret for such a long time.
"Only my father and my girlfriend know about it," Charlie told him. "It's in the past and I don't want it to ever come up again."
"I'm sorry if I put my foot in it."
Charlie smiled politely and left the room.
***
It was lunch time by the time Charlie and Ruby arrived back from the hospital. Charlie had insisted on driving there and back even though Ruby and Joey had been unsure of her getting in the car. Stubborn as ever, Charlie had got behind the wheel, despite the pain she was in and would have felt smug about the success if talking to Sid hadn't shaken her up so much. As soon as they arrived in the kitchen, Ruby set about making lunch.
"Shouldn't you be getting back to school?" Charlie asked.
"I will," Ruby said dismissively. "But there's really no point until this afternoon. We can have lunch together. You sit down and let me look after you."
Charlie smiled, sighing in defeat. Refusing to sit down, she came to stand beside Ruby to try and help. Ruby slapped her hands away.
"Would you just let me take care of you for once?" Ruby pleaded.
Charlie let her hands rest on the countertop and watching Ruby make them sandwiches, feeling touched by the affection between them. As had happened many times, she felt a longing in her heart for things to be different. She wished that she had been strong enough when she was a child to have raised Ruby as her own. She wished that she could have taken care of her, been the mother she knew she could be now. But it was too late. Over the years, she had called herself Ruby's sister so much that she'd eventually begun to believe it but deep down, she'd always felt like a mother to Ruby. She'd always loved her in that way, always yearned to be her parent and protector. But she knew she never could be.
"Hey, Charlie... could we talk now?"
"About what?" Charlie asked, pulled quickly away from her reverie.
"Me and Xave," Ruby said.
She couldn't help but grin as she eyed her sister shyly. Charlie swallowed. She wasn't sure she was up to hearing about the loss of her daughter's virginity. But she didn't want to let her down.
"Sure," she said.
"Oh, Charlie, it was amazing!" Ruby burst out, putting her knife down. "He was so sweet and gentle and romantic. It was everything I always dreamed it could be. And even though he'd done it before, he said that it was more special than anything he'd ever experienced in his life."
Charlie smiled but her lip trembled. She was happy for Ruby but sad that her little girl was growing up so fast. She was thrilled that her first time was so lovely but couldn't help but remember her own first time, the complete opposite to that.
"Well, it was all of those things until we got caught anyway," Ruby giggled.
She looked into Charlie's face and noticed the tremor of her lips and that her smile didn't meet her eyes.
"Are you alright?" she asked.
"Yeah, I'm happy for you, Rubes. Everyone's first time should be that special."
"Was your first time not like that?" Ruby asked, worried.
Charlie bit her lip.
"No," she said. "No, it wasn't."
She swallowed hard. Ruby waited for more.
"Hello? Anyone home?"
Ross's voice rang through the house. Both girls turned to greet him. He beamed at them.
"How did it go at the hospital?" he asked.
***
As the evening drew on, Charlie became tired and went to lie down. Ross and Morag had come round for dinner and Joey had offered to cook. With Ruby in her room studying and Morag having popped out for dessert, Ross entered the kitchen. Joey smiled cheerfully.
"Hi, Joey," Charlie's father said, sounding a little awkward. "Do you need any help?"
"No, I'm fine," she said. "I think I've got it covered."
"I um... I wanted to apologise for yelling at you when Charlie was in the hospital."
He looked into her eyes, afraid of condemnation. She stopped chopping vegetables and turned to face him.
"It doesn't matter. We were all worried about Charlie – feeling protective."
"It still doesn't excuse my behaviour. I really am sorry. What happened wasn't your fault."
"Thanks. I only want to look after her."
"So do I. It's heartbreaking when you realise you can't, isn't it?"
Joey nodded and swallowed.
"She... she told me that she told you what happened," Ross ventured.
"Yeah," Joey said, feeling just as awkward as he did. "We talked about it at the hospital."
"Thank you for understanding. I know your acceptance is important to her."
"Your daughter means everything to me," Joey said honestly. "I don't care what she's done in her life, where she's come from... all I want to do is spend my life loving her and trying to heal all her hurt. I understand at least part of what she's been through and I know how hard it is to recover from. I just want to be there for whatever she needs."
Ross tried not to react to the new information that Joey really understood his daughter's pain. He said nothing but he took it to heart.
"When Charlie told me what happened, it was the worst day of my entire life. It was worse than losing her mother, worse than getting diagnosed with this awful disease. To know how badly my baby girl had suffered and to know what a permanent burden she'd been left with... I knew she'd never be the same again and I hated myself for not being able to save her."
"Charlie told me how much she appreciated the way you were there for her," Joey said honestly.
He smiled, pleased to know that and sad he'd never heard it from Charlie but then that was his own fault. He'd encouraged her never to talk about anything related to the rape or the baby.
"I wonder if she'll ever be a mother again," Ross said. "Or if that's a part of her life she'll never want to touch."
"I have no idea," Joey admitted. "I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it."
"You're a lovely girl, Joey," Ross said kindly. "She's lucky to have you."
Joey blushed and returned to her vegetables, feeling shy of the compliment.
***
In the living room, having arrived home from getting dessert, Morag puzzled over the tail end of the conversation she'd heard. Would Charlie ever want to be a mother again? When had she ever been a mother the first time? Her mind flashed to the hospital when the Doctor had mentioned a caesarean scar. Slowly, she began to piece together a very confusing jigsaw puzzle.
***
"Hey, sleepyhead," Joey said gently.
Charlie peeked out from beneath the duvet, blinking several times. Joey crept over to neel by her side.
"How are you feeling?"
"Still tired," Charlie admitted. "I feel like I could sleep for weeks."
"Please don't. I'd miss you."
They kissed softly.
"Your Dad came to apologise for yelling at me," Joey said.
Charlie smiled.
"He said he was going to. He was feeling badly about it."
"I understood that he was upset. He didn't need to worry."
"He's always been one to make peace and do the right thing."
Joey kissed her again.
"I guess you must take after him."
Charlie suddenly reached out and hugged Joey tightly.
"Ruby told me all about her and Xavier today," she said. "It was hard to hear... to know how much she's growing up. But at least I can rest assured that her first time was something she'll always look back at happily."
Joey smiled.
"It's nice for her," she said softly.
Charlie nodded.
"Yeah."
"Listen, dinner will be ready in five minutes. Are you up to coming to the table or do you want me to bring you in a tray?"
"I'll come in," Charlie said.
"Okay. I'll start serving up."
She kissed Charlie's forehead and headed out of the room.
***
Ruby sat at the dinner table enjoying Joey's meal. But the atmosphere felt strangely tense. Charlie seemed sad and quiet and Morag was watching her a little too closely.
"What's going on?" Ruby finally asked.
"Nothing," Ross said cheerfully. "Joey, every time you cook for us, it's lovely."
Joey beamed.
"Thank you."
"It's lovely," Charlie agreed.
She placed her hand briefly on Joey's.
"It is," said Ruby. "Which is why it's a shame that the atmosphere is ruining it."
"There is no atmosphere, Ruby," Ross told her sternly. "Let it go."
He glanced at Morag. She'd taken him to one side earlier and asked him all sorts of questions about Charlie having a baby and now he was panicking. And the more he panicked, the more he feared her would forget himself and say something he shouldn't. It was making him edgy.
"Look, I don't understand why all this secret keeping is happening," Morag finally said, putting her fork down.
Ross tensed. So did Charlie and Joey.
"Morag..." Ross warned.
"Charlie, nobody is going to judge you."
"Judge you for what?" Ruby asked, desperate to know what she wasn't being told.
"Morag, this isn't suitable dinner conversation," Ross said.
"What isn't?" Ruby asked. "What's going on?"
"Nothing, Ruby," Charlie said tightly.
Joey just watched in silence, sure that disaster was about to strike.
"When I was a child, I had an illegitimate child," Morag told Charlie. "I thought my whole life was over but it wasn't. And neither is yours."
Charlie's eyes burned into Morag's and then into her father's. Ross looked utterly helpless.
"Look, all I'm saying is that whatever's happened in your past, Charlie, we're all here to support you. We're your family," Morag said kindly.
"You had a baby?" Ruby asked, startled.
"Ruby, I think you should go to your room," Ross suggested.
"No! Charlie..."
Charlie leapt to her feet, her heart racing.
"Fine, I had a baby when I was a teenager. I gave it away and I've had to live with it my whole life. Are you happy?"
She fled to her room. Morag swallowed and studied her plate, feeling guilty for bringing it up. Perhaps discussing it at the dinner table in front of Ruby, who had her mouth hanging open in shock, wasn't her smartest idea. Ross looked furious. Joey licked her lips, feeling awkward. Silently, she got to her feet and followed Charlie.
***
Joey found Charlie sobbing into her pillow. She slipped onto the bed beside her and gently pulled her into her arms. Charlie, her body limp, allowed Joey to hold her as she cried. She felt like her whole world was falling apart around her. She'd never wanted Ruby to know there was ever a baby at all and now, if she didn't want her to know the truth, she'd have to lie and invent some child that had never existed in order to cover her tracks. The whole thing was becoming far too complicated. Just when she'd believed a situation like she'd found herself in at thirteen couldn't possibly become more painful than it already was, it had.
