I have a nice long chapter for you today. I hope you like it. And I have a shiny new mobile phone that sends emails directly to it so no matter where I am, I can read all your lovely reviews! Not that I'm hinting at all...! Enjoy! Love, IJKS xxx
Chapter Ninety-Five
The following morning was a Sunday. Joey woke up feeling extremely sore. Confused as to why, she rubbed her throat. It ached. Memories of the night before sprung to mind and she closed her eyes again. Beside her, Charlie began to stir. Fortunately, after the nightmares in the middle of the night, her mind had settled and she'd slept more calmly. Rolling over, Charlie smiled at her girlfriend. Joey kept her head down and her neck hidden as she kissed her good morning. Joey hauled herself into the shower. Afterwards, in front of the mirror, she frowned at the large bruise across her throat. Sighing, she realised that there was no way Charlie wouldn't notice. As predicted, Charlie stopped her on her way to breakfast, worried and confused.
"What happened to you?" she asked, stepping closer and peering at her.
"What happened to me?" Joey asked, feigning innocence.
"Your throat," Charlie said, studying the damage. "What happened?"
She obviously had no recollection and Joey didn't want to enlighten her.
"Oh!" she said. "I must have... hurt it."
She felt stupid and wished she could have come up with something better. Still puzzled, Charlie studied the injury more carefully.
"But you didn't have it last night," she said.
"I uh... I got up in the middle of the night for a glass of water," Joey lied. "I fell."
Charlie straightened up and raised her eyebrows.
"You fell on your throat?" she queried.
"Uh huh," Joey said, forgetting herself for a moment and nodding vigorously for emphasis.
It hurt. She winced.
"Joey," Charlie said worriedly. "What aren't you telling me?"
Finally, the boat manager sighed.
"Okay," she said unhappily. "I may have got caught in the crossfire between you and your nightmare last night."
Charlie looked horrified.
"I did this to you?" she asked, turning pale.
"It was an accident," Joey said quickly. "So it doesn't count."
Charlie pulled Joey into a chair and sat down heavily beside her looking stricken.
"But I hurt you?" she said.
Joey held her hands.
"It doesn't matter," she said. "It was an accident. You were asleep."
"But I..."
Joey leant in closer.
"It doesn't matter," she insisted.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Charlie asked, gazing into her face.
"Because I didn't want you to pull that sad, guilty face," Joey told her. "Like the one you're pulling now."
She frowned. Charlie looked emotional.
"I'm so sorry," she said, stroking Joey's face. "I didn't mean to. I had no idea. I'm sorry."
Joey smiled and kissed her gently.
"It doesn't matter," she repeated honestly.
Charlie was still feeling bad when the afternoon rolled around and it was coupled with her nerves over seeing Ruby. Her daughter had sent her a text message to ask if they could meet. Joey had decided to stay in hers and Charlie's room. She wanted to give mother and daughter time to talk but noting how things had turned out between them on far too many recent occasions, she felt the need to protect her girlfriend if she could. Kissing Charlie goodbye, Joey headed to their room, looking forward to a lazy Sunday afternoon with her book. She was currently reading Tipping the Velvet by Sarah Waters and it was certainly opening her eyes to the art of lesbianism! Charlie headed into the kitchen to answer the door to Ruby. She was always sad that the teenager felt the need to knock now. Things definitely didn't feel natural between them anymore. She busied herself with making drinks and then they sat down awkwardly together in the lounge.
"I'm sorry about the other day," Ruby ventured. "What I said... I didn't mean it how it sounded."
"You weren't accusing me of crying rape?" Charlie asked.
She still felt very hurt about the whole thing.
"I just wondered... hoped, I guess that..."
"That I'd cried rape?" Charlie snapped again.
"I don't want you to be a liar," Ruby insisted. "But I also don't want to be the product of sexual assault. Charlie, if there's any chance that it wasn't quite how it seemed... if you exaggerated things in your mind..."
"I didn't exaggerate anything!" Charlie almost yelled.
Ruby sighed.
"What do you want from me, Ruby? Do you want the gory details of what he did? Do you want to know about the violence and the pain?"
"No!" Ruby said quickly. "I got all that already from Joey."
She didn't need a detailed description of rape again.
"I just... I wish I wasn't the result of... that."
"Well, you are," Charlie said. "And it doesn't matter. It doesn't make me love you less. It doesn't make anyone love you less. Conception and who are person is, are two different things."
"Then why did you give me anyway?" Ruby asked.
"I wanted the best for you," Charlie told her. "And I wasn't the best. Mum and Dad were."
"Sounds like a cop out to me," Ruby said.
Charlie looked wounded. Ruby felt bad. She hadn't quite meant to say it out loud.
"Has he been back?" Charlie asked, changing the subject slightly.
Ruby shook her head.
"I guess he's gone back to the city to try and salvage his marriage."
"I feel sorry for his wife," Charlie said.
"Maybe he's changed?"
"People like that don't change."
"Maybe they..."
"They don't."
"Well, I want to believe he can," Ruby snapped. "So let me."
Charlie shook her head. If Ruby believed that Grant was anything but a monster, it made it more likely that she might want some kind of relationship with him. Charlie couldn't bear it if that were to happen.
"I don't want you seeing him," Charlie said.
Her voice was meek and quiet again.
"He's my Dad," she said.
"He's a sperm donor," Charlie corrected her. "Dad is your Dad. He's the man who raised you, who loved you as his own. He's the one who protected you and read you bedtime stories. For goodness sake, Ruby, he was more of a father to you than he was to me!"
Ruby couldn't help but note the bitterness in Charlie's voice.
"I was so jealous of the relationship the two of you had," the older woman admitted. "All my life I wanted Dad to have time for me. I wanted to know for sure that he loved me. After I told him what happened, he was so ashamed of me. It was half the reason I decided for sure that I wanted to be a cop. I was so desperate for him to be proud of me after the way I'd let him down. Getting raped... it just made a bad situation worse. I kept waiting for him to..."
She brushed her tears away before she continued.
"I kept waiting for Dad to step up and protect me. I kept telling myself again and again that he'd face Grant, put him in jail, something... anything to let me know that he didn't blame me. But he didn't. He shut me out. And he... he loved you so damn much, Ruby. He was the father to you that I always craved. You adored each other. He read you bedtime stories, he took you out for day trips, he fed you, he changed you, he did everything for you that he never did for me. You had the relationship with him that I craved. And he had the relationship with you, the parent daughter relationship that I missed out on. Not one day passed where I haven't wanted to be your Mum. I let you down and I hate myself for it."
She wept openly and held her head in her hands. Ruby moved closer and hugged her.
"I'm sorry," she said.
Charlie looked sadly at her.
"I'm sorry," she said. "I never meant for any of this to happen. And I know you must hate me right now but even if you do... please, please don't bring that man back into our lives. He's a monster, Ruby. He raped me and I have no doubt that he's done it repeatedly, before and since."
Ruby nodded and promised to stay away from Grant. For one thing, she couldn't bear to see the grief it was causing Charlie. As frayed as their relationship was now, as betrayed as she felt by her family's lies, she loved her and wanted the best for her.
Charlie was nervous before she went to bed. She still felt terrible for hurting Joey and had waited on her almost all day. Now, in her pyjamas and ready to slip beneath the sheets, she was terribly afraid of hurting her again. Realising this, Joey reached out to hold her.
"Don't fret," Joey said.
Charlie couldn't stop herself from staring at the ugly bruise on Joey's skin. It made her feel sick with guilt.
"It won't happen again."
Charlie nodded, although she wasn't convinced. Beneath the blankets, they cuddled and kissed each other goodnight.
"It's been a good day," Joey pointed out.
Things with Ruby certainly felt calmer and Joey knew just how important that was to Charlie.
"Enjoy it, okay?"
Charlie nodded and kissed her again. She slipped her hands beneath the t-shirt Joey was wearing, making her giggle and protest that Charlie's hands were cold. Charlie kissed her again.
"I'm sure you can warm me up!" she said.
Joey needed no further invitation.
It wasn't until four in the morning that the nightmares began again. In her previous dreams, Charlie had been aware that she wasn't feeling horrible but the deeper into sleep she fell, the less control she had over what she was experiencing. But now she was trapped in a world of violent men who wanted to hurt her. She cried out into the night. Joey began to stir at the sound. Sleepily, she turned to face her partner, trying to think of a way to calm and reassure her as she began to thrash around. Suddenly, Charlie screamed in genuine terror. Her legs flailed and her fist shot out. Joey squeaked and sat up quickly as Charlie's hand caught her just above the eye. Charlie woke up quickly and saw Joey clutching her face in pain.
"Joey!" Charlie said.
"I'm fine," Joey told her, not looking up.
Worried and ashamed, Charlie clicked on the lamp and gently pulled Joey's hand away from her forehead. Blood spilled from a cut above her eye and she was already beginning to bruise.
"Joey, I'm so sorry!" Charlie said, reaching out to her. "I'm so, so sorry."
"It's fine," Joey insisted.
Charlie leapt out of bed in order to get the first aid kit from a cupboard in the kitchen. She returned quickly and began to dab at the wound. Apologies continued to spill from her lips and Joey realised that she was trembling. Catching hold of Charlie's wrist, she gazed into her eyes.
"It was just an accident," she said.
Charlie remained unhappy and continued to fix the injury.
"I think maybe we should sleep separately," she said.
"No!" Joey said, jerking her head up and looking anxious. "Then I'll have nightmares and we'll both have to deal with everything all alone."
She shook her head, feeling a little dizzy as she did so, although she opted not to mention that.
"You still get nightmares?" Charlie asked worriedly.
"Why do you think I stay up pretty much all night when you're on a night shift?" Joey asked.
Charlie stroked her face with her fingertips.
"I need you," Joey told her earnestly.
"But I've hurt you twice in as many days."
"I know but..."
She shrugged. Charlie placed a plaster over the cut.
"I really am sorry," she said.
"I know," Joey said. "But it wasn't like you did it on purpose."
"I thought Grant was attacking me," Charlie admitted.
Joey nodded. She'd thought as much. The scenario in Charlie's head appeared to mirror the bad dreams Joey had so frequently had about Robbo. She put the first aid kit to one side and then snuggled back down again. Uncertainly, Charlie turned the light off and also lay back down but her body was rigid with fear of lashing out again. She hated the idea of not being in control of her body in that way.
"If you're going to turn away from me," Joey said. "Then I have no option but to spoon you!"
Charlie chuckled as she felt Joey cuddling up to her from behind.
"And I can hold your arms to protect us from danger!" Joey added.
Charlie smiled, feeling comforted.
"Those aren't my arms!" she said with a giggle when Joey's hands immediately went astray.
The next morning, Charlie dropped Joey off at work, still apologising for the damage she had unwittingly caused her. Assuring her that she was absolutely fine and there was nothing to worry about, Joey kissed her goodbye and headed towards the trawler where Geoff and Aden were waiting for her.
"What happened to you?" Aden wondered.
"Accident," Joey said dismissively.
She didn't want to talk about it, although she knew the bruise on her throat and the cut and bruise on her face were immediately noticeable. She hoped they would go away quickly so that they could forget about it and Charlie could drop her guilt. She led the boys onto the trawler and prepared to start work for the day.
Charlie headed into the police station and found Angelo already working away.
"You're in early," she commented.
"Couldn't sleep," he said with his nose buried in paperwork.
She nodded and headed towards her office. Pausing at the door she turned back to him.
"You never made that appointment," she reminded him.
He looked up in confusion.
"Appointment?"
"You said a while back that you wanted to talk to me about something. I said to make an appointment..."
She lifted empty hands, wondering what he'd wanted.
"Oh, it's not important," he said, returning to his work.
She approached his desk.
"Is it about Hugo?" she asked.
He looked up sharply and denied it.
"Angelo, what is going on?" Charlie asked.
"Nothing," he lied. "Nothing at all."
Unsatisfied, she headed back towards her office.
"Guys!" Joey yelled in frustration. "Could you stop behaving like old women and get some work done."
Aden and Geoff had been bickering for the last hour and it was driving her crazy. They immediately mimicked her, bonding them for at least a few moments. Shaking her head, she moved to head below deck and froze. She hadn't ventured down there so far, not since Robbo had attacked her. Unwelcome images engulfed her mind, making her already throbbing head swim. Stepping back, she asked Aden to go and get the stuff she needed while she took refuse on the side of the boat, clinging onto the edge and trying to stop feeling sick. Looking out at the waves was certainly not helping. She closed her eyes but the motion of the boat on the water shrouded in darkness only made her feel worse. She opened her eyes again and was vaguely aware of someone saying her name before she fainted.
Aden was fretful as he and Geoff waited for news about Joey. He paced the waiting area, interchanging shoving his hands in his pockets with folding his arms across his chest. He looked up when Charlie burst into the hospital.
"Where is she?" the cop asked worriedly.
Aden explained that there was no news. All he knew was that one minute she was fine and next she was passed out on the floor. Rachel exited a side room and approached them.
"Is Joey okay?" Charlie and Aden asked in unison.
Geoff, also worried, opted to let the other two take the lead.
"She's fine," Rachel said calmly, trying to reassure them. "She's awake and there doesn't seem to be any real damage."
"What happened?" Charlie asked.
"Well, she had a head injury," Rachel ventured.
Charlie immediately felt unwell.
"That, plus being out on a choppy sea was a bit too much for her. She only fainted. There's nothing untoward happening, I promise."
Charlie wasn't comforted. Guilt threatened to overwhelm her.
"Can I see her?" Charlie asked.
"Sure," Rachel said.
Aden and Geoff asked the police officer to pass on messages of love and friendship to Joey and then they reluctantly headed back to work, although both were still very worried. Charlie thanked them and followed Rachel into the room where, as soon as they were alone, she burst into tears.
"Charlie..." Joey said softly.
She reached out to hold her and kissed her cheek.
"I put you in hospital," Charlie said unhappily.
"You weren't even there," Joey pointed out.
"You know what I mean."
Joey stroked her hair and smiled.
"Everything's fine," she said. "They're letting me out when my scan comes back clear."
Charlie perched on the edge of the bed and held Joey's hand. She apologised.
"I told you, I'm fine," Joey said. "It doesn't matter."
"I am so sorry," Charlie repeated.
"I just got a little seasick."
"Joey! You don't get seasick. It was because of this..." Charlie said, pointing to the cut.
Joey just shrugged.
"If you'd have done it on purpose, I'd be cranky. But you were asleep for goodness sake!"
"Cranky?" Charlie smirked. "You are so cute, Joey."
Joey pouted.
"I am not cute!" she insisted. "I'm super tough!"
Her expression was nothing short of childlike. It touched Charlie's heart.
"Now you're even cuter!" Charlie laughed.
Joey pouted again and was rewarded with a kiss. Rachel re-entered the room to give Joey the all clear.
"Now," the Doctor said. "Nothing strenuous for the rest of the afternoon."
Joey cast Charlie a wicked look and promptly complained. Charlie blushed and helped her up and out of bed.
"Come back in if you don't start feeling better soon, okay?" Rachel ordered.
"Yes, Doc," Joey said.
This trip felt a hell of a lot better than the first time she'd met Rachel. Charlie had convinced her, after the rape, that she needed to get checked out. Rachel had been so kind and so gentle with her, although Joey had stuck to Charlie like glue throughout. A fainting episode felt a hell of a lot easier than that. And she really wished that Charlie wouldn't feel so bad about it.
"Can I have a word?" Charlie asked.
Joey looked between Charlie and Rachel expectantly.
"Sure," Rachel said.
Leaving Joey to get herself out of bed, they left the room.
"How can I stop these nightmares?" Charlie asked when they were alone in the corridor. "I mean, I'm putting Joey at risk and I... I want to fix it."
"Well," Rachel ventured. "There's always counselling."
Charlie's heart sank. Talking to a stranger about her problems was the last thing she wanted to do. But looking at Joey approaching them and looking so battered and bruised, she knew she had to give it a try.
"I can give you a card for someone I'd really recommend," Rachel said.
"Thanks," Charlie said.
They followed the Doctor to the reception area and Rachel handed her a business card of a man named Michael.
"Thanks," Charlie said again.
Joey thanked her too and the couple headed home.
