Sam
It had only been a week since Izumi was born. I was slowing starting to get around easier. At least my intimacy didn't hurt anymore like it did those first couple of days. Izumi had been doing well with feeding and she was on a regular schedule. I had a crib brought into our room and set next to my side of the bed so if she woke in the night, I could take care of her.
One thing that I had hoped would have changed after I delivered was the vigilance. But, no, instead it worse. Zuko now had two guards posted on me at all times. Because of feeding Izumi, he had Jok posted outside of the bedroom all day while Zuko was working and Geshna inside the room with me. She was the Captain of the palace guards and he had asked for her to look after me. She had placed herself in harm's way and was almost killed when I was kidnapped a few months after coming here. She sustained permanent scaring on her right side of her body, including her face. Since then, she and I had become good friends. Although I hated the constant guards, I was glad it was Geshna.
Zuko finished working for the day and came to our room. "Geshna, thank you for your service today. You may take your leave for the rest of the evening." Geshna smiled, bowed to her Fire Lord and left the room.
"Hi, Zuko." he walked over to my side of the bed and kissed my lips. Then he reached his hand down to Izumi's little head and smoothed her tuft black of hair. "She is doing well today."
"Hello, my love. I'm glad to hear it." Zuko was enamoured with our little daughter. Even though he was still handling all of the duties that we at one time shared, he made it a point to finish early. He changed into his sleeping clothes and climbed into bed scooching over to sit right next to me. He laid his head on my shoulder and watched our little girl feed, a preoccupied look on his face.
"You ok, my darling?" I could tell something was wrong.
"It's the inmate from the prison. I haven't found anyone to interview his brother yet."
"And you think it best that you go." I concluded.
"Yes, but I don't want to leave you and our daughter." he said smoothing her hair again with his thumb.
"Just because we have a daughter, doesn't mean your Fire Lord duties stop."
"I know. I worry so much about you two when I'm not with you." Aha! This was my opening.
"Actually, Zuko, I wanted to talk to you about that." he didn't move his head from my shoulder and continued stroking Izumi's head.
"Mmhmm?" he murmured.
"How much longer will we need to be constantly guarded?" Zuko lifted his head and looked at me concerned.
"Why? Did something happen with Geshna or Jok?"
"No, Zuko. Nothing like that. I just…I thought this would end when I had the baby but it's only been a week and you have increased the guard duty on us. It isn't necessary." Zuko sighed, shaking his head in exasperation. We had had this discussion several times before and I could tell he was sick of it.
"An assassin could come in at any time and hurt you or Izumi. I couldn't bear if something happened to you two. Especially Izumi," Zuko was a very protective man by nature so I understood his reasoning. But this was getting out of hand.
"A meteor could crash into the palace and crush me to death. Or I could slip and fall and crack my head open." Zuko flinched at this last statement.
"Yes, but I am going to prevent what I can."
"But, Zuko, how long? A month? A year? A decade?"
"When I feel like the possibility of a threat is greatly diminished."
"So, in other words, never." I said dryly.
"I wouldn't say never. But the foreseeable future."
"This is getting out of hand." I echoed my thought from a moment ago.
"I don't think it is." Zuko declared.
"Zuko, first you wanted me guarded at all times when you found out I was pregnant. I accepted it. Then you wanted me on bed rest because you were worried about the baby. Against Fen's advice I might add. I didn't argue. Then the baby comes and not only do you have me guarded at all times by TWO guards but you still don't want me to leave this room. Don't you see? This constant vigilance is preventing me from living. And it will prevent Izumi from living too. Do you want that for our daughter?" Zuko was annoyed at my implication but he maintained control.
"I understand why you feel that way, Sam, but you need to heal and rest. Maybe once Izumi isn't nursi-"
"What?! No, Zuko. I'm done. I am not going to stay in this room anymore. I am not going to accept a guard anymore. I will go where I want. When I want. And that's that." Zuko's brow furrowed at my resolution.
"No, Sam. I have ordered the guards on you and they know to follow MY orders."
"Yes, you have. And I can't even ask them to give me some space. Having the guard stand outside the bathing room feels so weird. Having them in this room with me 24/7 is an invasion of my privacy."
"Sam, you can't just wander around the palace with Izumi. Something could happen. I could understand you wanting to. But now you want to put our daughter at risk!" I could tell as soon as he said it, he wished he hadn't. That didn't stop the anger from burning in my chest.
"Who the fuck do you think you are? If you want to be that way, fine. Don't let me stand in your way." I said. I stood up and Zuko grabbed ahold of my shirt. I laid Izumi down in her crib which made her cry since she wasn't done yet. I covered myself and turned around to Zuko. I grabbed his hand and yanked it off of my clothes. I turned around and headed for the door.
"Sam, where are you going?" Zuko asked, frantically.
"I'm going to sleep in another room. You can handle Izumi from now on since I can't be trusted with her." Zuko got up from the bed, walked around me and stood between me and the door. He placed his hands on my upper arms.
"Sam, stop. Please. I'm sorry for what I said. I shouldn't have said that."
"Yeah, you're damn right you shouldn't have."
"I'm sorry, Sam. Maybe you're right. I have been too overprotective. I just…I love you and Izumi so much, what if something happens?" I closed my eyes trying to regain composure. Finally I spoke.
"Zuko, you are preventing me from living." I repeated. "Don't you get it? Living like this…I…I…I'm not happy." There I said it. Zuko's eyes went wide like saucers and his hands dropped from my arms. I had tears in my eyes for having said what I did. But it was true. And he needed to hear it.
"Sam...I…I had no idea. I knew you felt strongly about it but I didn't know THIS strongly." Zuko said, ashamed. I put my hands on either side of his face.
"You are so focused on keeping me alive you have lost sight of who I am. And you know that I am not the type to be guarded and constrained to a single room. Please, let me live again. Let me be happy." Zuko collapsed to his knees, his head down. I had really upset him and it made my heart ache.
"I…I…I am sorry, Sam. From the bottom of my heart. You're right. I HAVE lost sight of who you are. You like your freedom. You like to feel useful and needed. I've taken that away from you. Starting tomorrow morning, you and Izumi will no longer be guarded." I sighed in relief.
"Thank you, Zuko. You're a good man." He gave me a small smile. He reached down and took my hand.
"Come back to bed." It wasn't a statement or an order. It was a request. I smiled and walked back over to my side of the bed and crawled in. He did the same. I picked Izumi back up and laid her between us on the bed. Zuko tickled her with his finger and she squirmed and for the first time, she smiled.
"Zuko! Did you see that? She smiled at you!" Zuko's eyes were already spilling over with tears.
"Yeah, that was the most beautiful smile I have ever seen. Save for one." He said and looked at me. I reached my hand up to stroke his cheek, leaned in and we kissed.
Zuko continued to sit on the bed, playing with Izumi, when I saw a dark shadow come across his face. I knew that look. He was thinking about his father. His face went from a shadow to a grimace and his brows knit together. I reached over and stroked his face.
"Hey, talk to me." I said.
"I just. I don't understand. I look at our daughter and my heart is filled with love and joy. So much it hurts. I don't know what I would do if someone were to ever hurt her. I truly don't know. What I do know is, that no matter how angry I got or upset I got, I could never hurt her. Not now. Not ever. I still don't understand. How did he do it?" He was, of course, referring to Ozai. I decided to breach a topic that Zuko did not like.
"Zuko, I think, it would help you if…" I stopped not knowing how or even if I wanted to continue.
"If?"
"We should visit your mother." Zuko's brow furrowed again.
"No, I won't put her through it anymore."
"Put her through what? Seeing her only son, who she loves?"
"You know it was hard for her here at the palace and she left. I saw it was taking a toll on her, even seeing me. I remind her too much of Ozai."
"She told you this?"
"Well, no, but I know I do. I look a lot like him. Especially when I grow facial hair." He never had facial hair since I knew him - he was always clean shaven - but now I think I understood why.
"Zuko, don't you think it's unfair that you are preventing your mother from meeting her first granddaughter? You are forcing her into a decision that she may not want. I think you need to let it up to her." When I said it, his face softened. He realized he was doing the same thing to his mother that he'd been doing to me.
"Well, when you put it like that..."
"I think we should send a messenger to find out when a good time for a visit would be. We don't have to stay the night or anything. But I think you should see her. And she should see you. Now that we have Izumi, there is no reason why we shouldn't see her. Besides, We have been married for three years and I still haven't met her. Or your step father or sister, Kiyi. She'd be an adult by now. Don't you want to get to know her again?"
"Yes, I do."
"Good, then it's settled. We send a messenger in the morning. I think it will help you find peace again, hunny."
"Why do I do it?"
"Do what?"
"Doubt you, my Fire Lily. You always know what to say."
"I know you, Zuko. It isn't hard." He smiled and nuzzled my cheek.
"I will send the messenger tomorrow morning."
"Good." Sam said.
Zuko
I had taken today off. After our argument yesterday, I thought it best for Sam and I to spend time together. Not me guarding her. But as husband and wife. To my surprise, she pulled out a bottle with some milk in it.
"What is that for?"
"For the baby, silly." she said with a playful grin.
"I know. But you breastfeed her. What's with the bottle?"
"Well, I need to express some of the excess milk I've been producing. She doesn't drink enough yet and I don't want to waste it so I am going to start bottling it. If I don't express it, my milk ducts will get infected and, from what I hear, that is not pleasant."
Sam lifted Izumi out of the crib and turned to me.
"Here, Zuko. Take her." I was surprised. Sam did all of the feedings.
"Ok?" I said, confused. She chuckled and handed me the bottle.
"I thought you might want to feed her." My eyes lit up and I happily took the bottle from her. I wouldn't say it to Sam but I was a bit jealous of her that she spent so much time with Izumi. I know she has to but I still wish I could spend more time with her. Being Fire Lord it makes it hard to find extra time. She reached over and grabbed my elbow under Izumi's head, "Here, you want to bring her head up a little bit more. You can rest her bottom on your leg like this." she helped guide me to a more comfortable position.
It was a bit cumbersome at first but, after a little trial and error, she was eating. I heard the same suckling sound that she made when Sam fed her. I smiled at her and my eyes started tearing again.
"See, Zuko. You're a natural at this." Sam said, amorously. She slid over closer to me and laid her head on my shoulder like I do when she was feeding Izumi. When she finished her milk I handed the empty bottle to Sam who sat it upright in the crib. I continued to hold Izumi in my arms and I could tell she was trying to rub her eyes but she hadn't figured out how to do it yet. I sat holding her, speaking softly and cooing at her. I took her hand in my two fingers and, just like before, she wrapped her little hand around my forefinger and I gently bobbed my finger up and down as she held on tight. Suddenly she started to cry.
Sam reached over and brought a rag out and laid it on my shoulder, "you need to burp her. Hold her like this. Perfect, now do this." Sam instructed me. I did so until I heard her burp and then Sam said she could resume her previous position. I looked over at Sam. She looked exhausted.
"Why don't you get some sleep, Fire Lily. I'll watch her for a while." Sam smiled and craned her neck so she could kiss me.
"You don't have to tell me twice. I'm beat. When you are ready, you can just lay her in her crib. Make sure to lay her on her back and cover her up." Sam was born to be a mother. I nodded and Sam laid down on her side facing me and quickly fell asleep. She was more tired than I realized. She had been getting up in the middle of the night every night to tend to Izumi when she fussed. I resolved to myself that I would start helping with it. Sam needed her rest.
I slid down on the bed so I was almost flat and laid Izumi on my chest. She made cooing noises and breathed steady. I kept one hand on her back and I stroked her hair with my other hand. I laid still and just watched her sleep. I bent my neck and kissed the top of her head. I loved her so much it made my chest hurt. After a couple of hours, I felt a hand stroke my face and it roused me. It was then I realized I had fallen asleep. Izumi was still asleep on my chest. Sam smiled at me.
"So you do sleep." Sam said. Because I always woke up before her and fell asleep after her, she would joke that she didn't think I actually slept. I chuckled softly, not wanting to disturb Izumi. Sam slid closer to me and laid her head on my shoulder.
"I guess I was tired too. I'm sorry I fell asleep."
"Why are you sorry? I've been laying here watching the two of you sleeping. It's a beautiful thing, you two together. I could lay like this forever." I smiled at her proclamation.
"She's the one who is beautiful. Just like her mother." Sam smiled at me. She lifted her head and kissed my shoulder. She reached her hand up and smoothed Izumi's hair.
"You are such a natural at this. I know I keep saying it, but it bears repeating." She reached up and smoothed a tuft of my hair out of my face. At that moment, I felt Izumi start to stir and started to cry.
"She probably needs changed." Sam said. She checked and sure enough, she did.
"I'll do it." I said to Sam's surprise. I hadn't changed her diapers yet. "Uh..You help me?" Sam laughed.
"Of course." We both got up and she walked me through what to do. It wasn't perfect, but at least it didn't fall off. I picked her up and laid her down in her crib. Sam and I laid back down and we both fell asleep.
