*Aboard the Absolute Vindication, we see that RJ "Jay" Writing Ink has kept his promise of providing everyone a pizza party from two weeks ago. Jay, Janna, DAU Kermit, Ed, Omnitraxus, Spongebob Narrator, GIR, TFS Nappa, and a bunch of other people are there enjoying themselves while Jay tells them a story.
DAU Kermit: Wait, you're telling me that Epic Games added tanks into Forntite? And you got to drive one?
Jay: Yep. I finessed the Imagined Order for one, and took it for a joyride. Probably killed at least half a dozen players with one.
TFS Nappa: Did you win?
Jay: Sadly, no. I ran out of gas in the final stages, the storm was coming, and I had to bail. Got shot five seconds later. Damn fun, though.
Janna: Still lost, though.
Jay: Whatever, Janna. We're not here for Fortnite. We're here for the story. And today's chapter will give us some more insight into the Underworld. I put a lot of thought into it, and I'm hoping it ends up paying off. Now, are we ready to descend down into Hell? Or at least the closest we can get to Hell?
*Everyone shouts in approval, which is all Jay needs to hear*
Jay: Then let the story continue!
As soon as she got home, Tammy had proceeded to burn the spare clothes the boy (Jonah, she had to remind herself) gave her before taking another shower. She didn't have to; she just didn't want the stench of that Human on her body as she slept. After that, she threw on a few scraps of clothing to cover herself well enough before falling asleep, praying to the Blood Moon that everything that had just happened was a bad dream. Much to her chagrin, when she woke up the next morning, her situation remained the same. Her parents still wanted her to go out and deal with the Cenobites and the Hydra. She still got summoned by that irritating boy in nothing but a bath towel, and she was still being blackmailed into letting him help her.
Very reluctantly, Tammy got herself out of bed, not even bothering to put on makeup or do something with her hair. There was little point in looking her best when she would fight a vicious serpent. While she felt tempted to put on one of her black dresses, she realized it would do her very little good in a fight. Instead, she put on a ripped shirt-jeans combo, called it a day, and then got ready for what was going to be the biggest challenge of the day: getting the Human.
The trip back to the Human boy's bedroom went off without a hitch, only taking a few moments in comparison to what she had to go through the night before. She would never understand why the Demon Summoning process had to be so complicated regarding its subject transportation, especially when high-ranking Demons like herself could travel to and from in a fraction of the time needed.
While Tammy hoped she would get there early enough that the jerk would still be asleep, thereby leaving him vulnerable to some payback, those hopes were quickly dashed once Tammy arrived in Jonah's bedroom. Rather than still be asleep or in the middle of getting dressed, she came to find Jonah wide awake, putting together a sack of various items that Tammy didn't recognize but whose purpose she understood.
"All right, Human, are you ready to go yet?" Tammy asked, not even bothering to give Jonah a greeting.
"Good morning to you, too, Princess," Jonah said, not even turning around to address her.
What an impudent jerk, Tammy thought as she felt a scowl coming on. Just because she agreed to Jonah's deal last night did not mean that she would be pleased about it. She planned on being as unwelcoming as possible to this Human boy for the duration of their trip. If the Princess was lucky, he would realize the futility of accompanying her and call the whole thing off. If she was even more fortunate, then he'd die on the way, and Tammy could write the entire thing off as an unfortunate accident and be done with it.
Except that would probably mean Comet would never speak to me again, Tammy quickly realized, putting a pin in her previous idea. Whether she liked it or not, she was stuck with Jonah for the time being.
Tammy was brought out of her thoughts by Jonah's voice. "All right, I'm ready," he said as he slung the pack onto his back. "Let's do this."
Not convinced of the Human's state of preparedness, Tammy eyed him up and down. Besides the pack, he had nothing in weapons or armor on him. If he ventured into the more dangerous parts of the Underworld, he would likely get killed in a heartbeat.
"What's wrong? You like what you see?" Jonah asked in a flirtatious tone that made Tammy blush, despite herself.
"Don't be ridiculous, Human," Tammy hastily said, trying not to let him get to her. "I was merely checking to see how prepared you are for this mission. So far, though, not impressed."
"You wouldn't be the first person to underestimate me, your highness," Jonah simply told her. "And I doubt that you'll be the last, either."
"Whatever," Tammy snorted. "But you know that you have no chance of fighting that Hydra with what you've got on, right? Don't expect me to look after you if worse comes to worse."
"Aww, it's so nice to know you care about me, Princess," Jonah teased Tammy. "But don't worry. I've got a gas mask in this backpack that will help shield me from the worst of the Hydra's poisons." To prove that he wasn't making it up, Jonah unzipped the backpack and pulled one out, along with an extra that he had with him. "And we won't be going it alone."
"We won't?"
"Nope. I called my devoted follower up last night and told him to meet us near the Hydra's lair. You just gotta tell me where that is."
He means the other Demon that he somehow tricked into working for him. Perfect. Outwardly, though, Tammy didn't say anything, and she just looked at him and said. "It's to the west of our family's Castle, on the edge of the Prickly Plains of Baphomet, where it meets the Alastor Mountains. There's a village not far from there where he can meet up with us."
"Does it have a name?"
"Baal."
"And...done!" Jonah said as he held up his phone. "My associate will meet us there."
"Fine," Tammy huffed in annoyance. "All right. If there's nothing else you need, let's head out."
"And how am I supposed to get to the Underworld? No scissors, in case you didn't notice."
"There's no need, Human. I have a far faster means of travel," she proudly stated. "Though I must warn you, there is a chance that you might survive the process. If you wanted to back out now, then I wouldn't blame you for-"
"Princess, we both know that this isn't going to work," Jonah bluntly told her. "So why don't you just save us both some time and show me how it's done."
Tammy conceded defeat, irritated that she couldn't get the Human to back out of this. "Just grab onto my shoulder," she said without any fanfare. "I'll take care of the rest."
"You sure you wouldn't rather hold hands, instead?" Jonah teased her, to which she refused to respond. Seeing that Tammy wasn't going to take the bait, Jonah reluctantly did as he was told and put his hand on Tammy's shoulder. Though he did note how soft and smooth her skin felt as he did so, even if that was soon overshadowed by an entirely different sensation.
Jonah couldn't get a clear view of what was going on since he had to stand behind her, but he did hear Tammy begin to growl and say things that, to the untrained ears, would sound like primal screams. Fortunately, Jonah knew from his personal research that the Lucitor Princess was speaking in the ancient Demonic Language found in the Underworld. While he had yet to fully grasp the complicated language, he could figure out the purpose behind her saying: take us to the Underworld.
Within moments, the heat began to build up around the two teenagers, followed by a pillar of flame engulfing them both. Yet, much to Jonah's mild surprise, they did not burn. The next thing he knew, he could feel a powerful, invisible force pulling them towards something else, yet they remained completely still. It was a unique experience that Jonah had never felt before; not even traveling by a portal made by Comet's dimensional scissors elicited this sensation. He had to have more of it!
Sadly, the pulling sensation began to subside, and Jonah knew that this meant that their trip was soon to come to an end. Making a mental note to learn the mechanics behind the process of Demonic teleportation, Jonah paid close attention to his surroundings as the flames began to subside...and couldn't help but grin when he saw where he was.
No longer was Jonah standing inside his bedroom in normal, boring Echo Creek, California. Now, he was standing outside in a vast, open plain that stretched as far as the eye could see. In the distance off to the west, Jonah made out a series of mountains that stretched off into the horizon, culminating in what looked to be the top of an active volcano at one end. He could see a series of rivers that flowed into the middle of a massively, strangely colored lake to the east. Instead of water, though, Jonah noticed that these rivers were made from lava, and the same could be said of the body of liquid they were flowing into. The most distinctive landmark that Jonah could make out was the massive Castle that seemed to rise defiantly out of the lava. He didn't know how big it was, but he could already tell that it would be quite magnificent and intimidating to look at.
Jonah didn't need Tammy to tell him where they were; he had already figured it out.
"So, isn't this the part where you wave your hands around and arrogantly tell me that this is the Underworld or something?" Jonah asked, trying to get a rise out of the Princess once more. To his inner dismay, though, the Princess refused to play ball.
"Come on," she grunted at him. "Let's get this over with, so I can go home," she said while walking towards the mountains.
"Well, you're no fun," Jonah remarked as he trudged along after her, taking his first steps into the Underworld.
Don't let him get to you, Tammy, the girl reminded herself. It will all be worth it when you get this weirdo to tell you how to get Comet back.
Tammy wasn't sure how long the two of them had been walking through the Underworld since she neglected to bring any clock. It didn't matter, though; it was already too long!
"I'm on the highway to Hell
On the highway to Hell
Highway to Hell
I'm on the highway to Hell!"
Not long after they started walking towards the village of Baal, the Human had decided to bring out what passed as a communicator for his people and started blaring out music loud enough for both of them to hear. The music itself wasn't that bad as far as Tammy was concerned. Heavy Metal was something that the residents of the Underworld were familiar with; after all, they had an indirect role in creating it. However, then the Human started singing out the lyrics and was doing it in a way that Tammy was certain was meant to piss her off.
At first, Tammy tried to not give the Human the satisfaction of losing her cool, drawing on everything she learned from Meg as the two walked through the ashen-laden grounds of the Plains of Baphomet. After about ten minutes of having to listen to his obnoxious singing, though, Tammy finally lost it.
"Will you please stop singing already?!" Tammy asked as she wheeled around to look at Jonah, the displeasure carved deeply into her otherwise impeccable face. "I don't want to hear you singing this entire trip!"
"Oh, I'm sorry," Jonah said, though his tone sounded anything but sincere. "Is this annoying you?"
"Immensely," Tammy admitted. "So stop it."
"Then you're gonna love this!" And with that, Jonah doubled down on his singing, making it twice as loud and forcing Tammy to hold her horns in a death grip as her eyes began to glow white-hot with anger.
I could just kill him now, and no one would know! It would be the perfect crime! Tammy was seriously considering frying this obnoxious Human, regardless of whether he was one of Comet's friends! It would be so worth it!
Instead of giving in to the dark impulse, Tammy remembered why she was doing this. She was doing this because her parents asked her to and because this guy would tell her how to get back into Comet's good graces, something that she had thought about day in and day out for months.
"Aw, come on, Princess," Jonah said as he pulled up alongside her. "Don't tell me you're not into heavy metal music. I figured that that would be right up your alley, considering how many of the songs are about Hell and Demons."
"Okay, first, that's a stereotype. Not every Demon you come across will be into that sort of stuff. Just a lot of them," Tammy said in defense of her people. However, she had to admit that that last part undermined her point. Besides, she had far different tastes in music, not that she would ever explain them to a Human. "Second, you should be grateful that we were the ones who inspired you magicless morons to write that stuff, anyway."
Jonah knew that this was meant to be an insult, but like the rest of the Demon Princess' attempts to insult him, Tammy had failed to hit her mark. If anything, that last part had simply piqued the boy's rampant curiosity about the Underworld and its mysteries. Seeing this as a good way for him to do just that, Jonah asked, "And why, do tell, should we be grateful to you guys?" He already had his theories as to why, but the curiosity in his voice was at least genuine, something Tammy seemed to pick up on.
Tammy continued, thinking that she finally had a chance to flaunt her superiority over the arrogant boy. "Tell me something: you know how many of the religions you follow in your world have stories about giant monsters and terrifying demons? Why all of that pretentious artwork over the centuries has all those warnings about beings beyond your world who seek to tempt you and damn you for all eternity? Where do you think all of that shit came from?"
Jonah cocked an eyebrow at this. "Let me guess: it was all you guys, wasn't it?"
"Of course it was, Human," Tammy boasted. "Long before anyone else thought to visit your dump, my people had been using your world as our personal playground for centuries. You guys are so susceptible to temptation that you're willing to believe some stranger who comes out of a pillar of fire!" Tammy couldn't help but laugh as she thought back on some of the older Demons' stories about how they fucked with Humanity. On the other hand, Jonah kept his poker face up the entire time.
"I wouldn't be so smug if I were you, your highness," Jonah countered. "I happen to recall a particular story about a carpenter who was tempted by the Devil while he fasted in the wilderness for an extended period. And the carpenter wouldn't give in, no matter what." Jonah wasn't that big on religion, but if Tammy was saying that so many of the stories about Demons were true, who was he to argue the validity of holy texts?
Tammy snorted in response to this. "Yeah, one of our family members talked about something like that, but that was one of the rare exceptions. By and large, you guys are far too easy to manipulate," the girl continued to boast. "So the next time you want to start belting out your stupid music, you will remember that all of that only came about because we've been duping you guys for thousands of years."
Rather than see him get angry and lash out at her, Jonah simply shrugged and said, "So?"
"So? So, doesn't that make you angry? Knowing that you're part of a people who've been duped for centuries?"
"Not really," Jonah simply said. "As far as I'm concerned, any big group will have a couple of dumbasses that are easily manipulated. If there weren't, things like 'Flat-Earthers' wouldn't exist." As Jonah continued along in the dusty flatlands, he stopped to look back over his shoulder at Tammy, who was standing absolutely still, flabbergasted that her attempt to get under Jonah's skin had failed.
This guy is really starting to piss me off! Are all Humans this annoying!? Tammy mentally fumed before marching until she was in front of the Human once more.
"So question: is your family supposed to be the Devil? Because if you are, then how come your last name's Lucitor instead of Lucifer?" Jonah asked, genuinely curious, only to be met with silence. "Oh, what's wrong? You can't stand the fact that you can't get under the stupid Human's skin?" he mockingly asked her, only for her to refuse to even look at him.
The sooner we finish this mission, the better.
The remainder of the trip to Baal Village was in silence following Tammy's failed attempt at mocking Jonah and the rest of Humanity as gullible suckers. It wasn't for lack of effort on Jonah's part, as he kept trying to poke, prod, and push at Tammy's buttons in any way possible. His actions, however, were merely rewarded with silence and a glare that said Drop dead, pest! Had Tammy done that to anyone else, they would've cowered before her, yet Jonah merely took that as an invitation to keep trying to pester her. When she refused to take his bait, though, he eventually grew and simply walked behind her in silence, looking at the Underworld as he did so.
Contrary to many Earthly interpretations of Hell, the Underworld was completely fire and brimstone. He wasn't sure if the Underworld was where the souls of the wicked would be damned for all eternity, but that was beside the point. While Jonah could see the outlines of volcanoes actively spewing out lava in the distance and the occasional river of lava cutting through the landscape, the Underworld was less of a traditional Hellscape and more of a semi-arid desert. Plantlife was found, along with various creatures that refused to come near the two so long as Tammy was present, but the rest of the land was very dry and lifeless. It reminded Jonah of images he'd seen of the infamous Death Valley that straddled the border between California and Nevada, only, ironically, not as hot. Had Jonah been allowed more time, he would've liked to learn more, but he had to focus on how he was on a mission. Once he got full citizenship and access to all this place's knowledge, there would be time later.
After about half an hour's worth of walking, the pair started to walk on ground far more sloped and angled in terrain, a sign that they were approaching the mountain range Tammy previously mentioned. Following that, it did not take long to spot the outline of huts and various buildings not far from where they were.
"There it is," Tammy pointed out with little emotion in her voice. "Baal Village. Just beyond that is the Alastor Mountains, where we'll find the Hydra." Without saying anything else, Tammy led Jonah down the hills towards the village, with Jonah choosing to keep his mouth shut for once. Though, that was only because he wanted to see what the other Demon inhabitants of the Underworld looked like.
As they got closer to the village, it became clear that the place had seen better days. Much better days. Many of the buildings appeared to be in various states of disrepair, with several sporting notable cracks that jutted across the exterior walls while their roofs were missing in several places. Some of the buildings were in such bad shape that Jonah felt that a house made out of LEGO bricks would be more structurally sound than they were. The whole village was an absolute mess and far from the place that Jonah had expected to come across while in the Underworld.
The villagers themselves seemed to be faring little better from Jonah's perspective. Many of them hid inside their homes or ducked behind clotheslines or the piles of rubble and garbage that seemed to litter the main street. Unfortunately for the young Human, he couldn't get a good look at any of them, much to his silent irritation. Then, just out of the corner of his eye, he spotted one of the denizens of the Underworld, albeit one that was shrouded in a cloak. By Jonah's guess, it was a little being, the size of an Imp, with the cloak it had wrapped around being several times its size. It was in the process of painting something onto a crumbling wall that looked vaguely familiar to him.
Choosing to risk invoking the Princess's wrath, Jonah broke off from Tammy as they passed the wall and made a beeline for the Imp. "Hey, you!" he called out, making the small Demon jump up in fright, dropping whatever he used for his artwork. Now in a state of panic, the Demon began to look around in search of the noise that had startled it until it finally noticed Jonah running towards him. As it turned out, that proved to be more than enough to make the little being bolt off into the shadows. They were long gone before Jonah could call out to the being and let him know he wouldn't hurt him.
"Damn," Jonah grunted as he cursed his bad luck. "All I wanted was to know what he was making," he said as he absent-mindedly kicked a pebble in the ground with one of his boots before looking at the half-finished drawing on the wall. It was very simplistic in nature, but the bright-red paint used to make it conveyed a very threatening message, whatever that may have been. As Jonah continued to look at the artwork, he did notice a few patterns that he could make out. It appeared that the whole thing was meant to symbolize a being that was vaguely humanoid in appearance but seemed to be surrounded by various winged insects that seemed to gather around him. Upon closer inspection, Jonah also saw that the figure also had insectoid qualities to them, such as multiple limbs jutting out of its body and the faint outline of wings protruding from the back. Most notable, though, were the eyes. Rather than regular eyes, the eyes of this creature were larger, more disproportionate to the size of their face, and slightly bulbous in appearance. The whole thing looked downright alien to Jonah, yet also vaguely familiar.
"Hmm...now where I have seen this creature before?" Jonah wondered aloud.
"That's the likeness of Beezlebub, Human," came the voice of Tammy, who, much to Jonah's inward surprise, was standing right behind him. "He's one of the 9 Great Demon Lords who oversees one of the different levels of the Underworld on behalf of my family," she continued to explain.
"Levels? You mean there's more than one level to this place?"
"What else would it mean?" Tammy asked like it were the most obvious thing in the Universe. "Yes, the Underworld doesn't just consist of what you see around us. Several sub-levels extend further down than here and serve as home to many other Demons. Ruling all of that territory can be difficult at the best of times, so that's why my ancestor's created the Position of Great Demon Lord. They would oversee what land we couldn't directly look out for and report to us," Tammy explained, her voice making it obvious that she didn't like having to do so.
"And this Beezlebub's guy's one of the Lords that works for your family?" Jonah reiterated. "So if that's true, then shouldn't he be watching over his own territory instead of messing around with your family's shit?" When Tammy cocked an eyebrow at Jonah's statement, Jonah chose to elaborate. "Look, what happened here obviously wasn't caused by whatever passes for a natural disaster in the Underworld," Jonah said, making it clear that Tammy couldn't lie to him about this. "Whatever happened to this place happened because of him."
Tammy shook her head. "Not because of him. At least, not directly," she said while motioning for Jonah to continue following him. "This was the work of his followers, the Cenobites. They're-"
"A cult of Demons who are so dedicated to the art of physical gratification that they can no longer tell the difference between pain and pleasure," Jonah finished, catching Tammy off guard. "Yeah, in case you forgot, I know about them, Princess."
Tammy had to suppress a growl emanating from her throat, her mind flashing back to the night before to confirm that Jonah had, in fact, mentioned the Cenobites. She had no idea how he knew about them, as they were one of the few aspects of her people that had not leaked over to Earth over the centuries, but she was determined to figure out how.
"Look, let's just find whoever's in charge and get them to tell us where we can find these jerks so we can deal with them and move on," Tammy said, not waiting for Jonah to follow her as she headed for what she assumed to be the town hall.
"Geez, someone doesn't like being shown up," Jonah muttered.
"I heard that, Human!"
"You were supposed to, Princess," Jonah retorted in response.
The meeting with the leader of Baal Village was brief but very tense. The Mayor, a tiny, impish Demon that looked like a cross between a yellow pig and a Gremlin, was very much intimidated by the fact that the Princess of the Underworld had personally come to address their ongoing issues with the Cenobites. Of course, the fact that Tammy was in a foul mood due to Jonah's egging didn't help matters much. As Jonah watched, the poor Demon struggled to form a coherent explanation for Tammy regarding the people causing them trouble, but he somehow managed to do so.
According to the Mayor, the trouble started a few months ago when a group of Cenobites had shown up in their village, claiming that they wished to start a branch for the Cult of Beezlebub in their area. As it turned out, though, the ways of the Cenobites were too strange even for the likes of many of their fellow Demons, who thought that if they ignored them, they would move on and leave them in peace. That...did not turn out to be the case.
As it turns out, the group leader, a high-ranking retainer of Beezlebub by Pinhead, felt offended by the town's lack of deference towards them. So, they returned day in and day out, trying to find members they could coerce into joining their group. When that didn't work, they started openly practicing their beliefs in full view of the townsfolk, which weirded them out even more, and led some of the other Demons to try and run them out of town. The Cenobites took exception to this, and the confrontations that followed left Baal Villiage in its current state, and the Cenobites continued to harass the villagers into joining them. Now, most Demons were too afraid to set foot outside their homes.
After having heard this, Tammy simply said told the Mayor that she would "handle the problem" before exiting the Mayor's office without so much as an explanation to anyone present as to what she intended to do, much to Jonah's amusement, who had been watching everything from a corner in the office. His amusement only grew when he saw the timid and skittish Mayor begin to pace around his oversized desk with a look of utter mortification on his face.
"Ohh, this is bad. This is really bad," the Mayor muttered to himself. "I mean, it's good that the Royal Family chose to send the Princess out to personally handle this issue, but if the stories about her temper are true, then she could end up provoking them. And if that happens, then this village will be finished! I've already had to sacrifice the funds for the new jacuzzi to buy materials to repair everything, but what good will it do if there isn't a village left to fix!"
By now, the Mayor was beginning to hyperventilate from the stress of his current situation, only to be dragged out of his thoughts by the sound of Jonah's laughter. "Man, this shit is better than wrestling! I am so glad I came along for this thing!"
"I'm sorry, but who are you, exactly?" the Mayor asked the boy, unaware of his presence. "Are you supposed to be Princess Tamara's aide?"
Jonah chuckled at this. "No, I'm not an aide," he said as he approached the Mayor and held out his hand. "Name's Jonah Ordonia, freelance alchemist and an expert on Demons," the boy said with surety on his face.
The Mayor looked at Jonah's outstretched hand, then Jonah himself, before finally looking back at Jonah. Hesitantly, he reached out and shook the teenager's hand, though it was more than a little awkward given how his tiny, pig-like paws were dwarfed by Jonah's. "And forgive me for the asking, but why exactly are you here if you do not work for the Princess?"
"Let's just say that I've agreed to assist her in exchange for an undisclosed favor," Jonah said, coyly avoiding an answer. "But for the moment, I think that I can help you with your Cenobite problem."
"H-help us?" the Mayor stuttered before violently shaking his head side to side. "No, no, no! We don't need any help! We've already got the aid of the Princess, and she'll be able to handle this. No help needed here!"
"You sure about that?" Jonah asked, cocking an eyebrow. "Because from the way you're sweating right now, you don't seem to have that much confidence. Oh, well." With that, Jonah turned his back on the Mayor and began to make for the door, his hands relaxing behind his head in a way that others would consider far too casual. "Good luck with the perverts, then."
As Jonah reached the halfway point to the door, he began to slow his pace. It happened slowly at first, far too slowly for most people to notice. But by the time he was getting ready to reach out the door handle, he was deliberately moving at a snail's pace. Then, right as he was about to pull the door open...
"Okay, fine!" The Mayor reluctantly called out to him. "If you really know how to handle this without getting the village destroyed, we'll accept any help you offer. But the Princess can never know that we asked you!"
Jonah felt a small smirk creep across his face. His intuition had been right on the money.
The whole time Tammy and the leader of Baal Village had been talking, Jonah had been secretly sizing him up. It didn't take him that long to get a good read of the little Demon, though, as he was very transparent regarding who he was: someone in over their head and desperate for an out. All he had to do was dangle some bait in front of him, and the little Demon took it just like he wanted.
Turning to face the Mayor, Jonah put on his poker face before speaking again. "My lips are sealed, sir. You won't regret this decision."
*KABOOM*
At that exact moment, the rumbling of a distant explosion distracted the two from their impromptu negotiations. As the Mayor of Baal Village scrambled to the window to see what was going on outside, Jonah remained motionless. He had a strong suspicion about what was going on, but he didn't want to act without knowing enough details. He'd be no better than how Comet sometimes worked if he did. Fortunately, he didn't have to wait that long. The abject terror on the Mayor's face was enough to tell Jonah what was going on. Not even waiting to be said anything, Jonah slipped out the door and made for the exit as fast as possible.
It didn't take long for Jonah to make his way to where that explosion had gone off. And, just like he thought, the cause was standing right in front of him, eyes beginning to glow white-hot with anger, and her fists balled up and covered in fire: it was Princess Tammy.
"I'm warning you guys! You'd better get your butts out of this town while you still have the chance!" the distant voice of the Princess of the Underworld began to carry throughout what was left of the town as she faced down a group of...
...okay, Jonah honestly didn't know what to call the people Tammy was currently trying to intimidate. They looked like Demons of some sort, but they were all weird-looking, even by the standards of Monsters and Demons. This one Demon looked very much like the classical depictions in the Bible, cloven hooves and ram horns in their head, only they didn't have any skin on them. At all. Someone had flayed the Demon alive, and they just stood there in shorts while their muscles and tendons were showing. Another Demon (he thought it was a Demon) didn't have any eyes. Their eye sockets were completely obscured by a layer of scar tissue and flesh that eerily reminded Jonah of melted wax. A third Demon, some sort of goblin-like figure, had their neck pierced all across the side by these nails, with each nail being connected to the other by a series of hooks, while the skin around their mouth was carved out into a permanent smile.
They looked like the most bizarre group of beings that Jonah had ever seen, and none of them looked like they were willing to back down. Not helping the situation was the fact that amid the two parties was someone else, a little Demon girl who looked to be no older than six or so. The thing that made her demon identity apparent was that she had four eyes, two small ones on either side of her face, and her lower body was that of a black spider. Regardless, the girl was very much acting like her age, crying and whimpering in fear of what was happening between the strangers in front of her. Jonah promptly picked up his running.
"We will not leave until we have what we want," the flayed Demon said in a low, growling voice. "This child dared to attack us, spout blasphemy against our Master. She must be dealt with."
"And I'm not letting you harm a hair on her head! So you might as well leave while you still have all your limbs attached!" Tammy warned, to which the smiling Goblin cackled.
"You do not scare us, girl. We have tasted things that you know nothing of, things that will make whatever you seek to do to us be little more than pinpricks against our skin."
"Do you know who I am? I am your Princess and future Ruler! You will obey me or suffer the consequences!" Tammy shouted in her most authoritative tone. Realizing that things were about to get ugly, Jonah thought fast. Reaching into his backpack, he pulled out his alchemy tools and quickly started constructing a transmutation circle in the dirt in front of him, making sure that it matched exactly what Glossaryck taught him. It took some doing as dirt wasn't the best medium for drawing, but he managed to finish the circle with little effort, and just in time, as Tammy seemed ready to burst.
"We do not answer to you, child of two worlds. We serve our Master and our Master's Master alone!" One of the Cenobites said in response to this threat, which only infuriated Tammy even more. Right before the situation could get nasty, Jonah acted. With a light touch of his fingers, the transmutation circle began to crackle with alchemical energy that began spiraling and molding the ground in the circle into a giant pillar. Following Jonah's mental command, the pillar started to slither its way across the ground like a snake before finally coming to a rest between the two groups of Demons, separating them long enough to break up their argument.
"All right, kids," Jonah said, started brushing the dirt off his body as he got up. "Let's not go and start fights that we might regret later."
"You again?!" Tammy spat, it taking all her willpower to keep herself from lunging for the Human Boy's neck and strangling him. "Why do you insist on meddling with things, Human?"
"Because we made a deal: I help you out with this stuff, and you do what you promised in return," Jonah said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "And as for you guys," he spoke, now addressing the surprised Cenobites. "I get that you guys don't like being disrespected and want to get even for it. But is taking the fact that your junk isn't working right out on a kid the best thing to do?"
"Stay out of this, child! It does not concern you!" the smiling Goblin hissed. Jonah simply smirked in response.
"Actually, it does," he said as he stepped forward to approach everyone. "See, I'm helping out her royal crabbiness here," he gestured to Tammy, "so I can get something that doesn't concern you guys. And that includes getting you guys and your boss to piss off and leave this village alone."
"Do you seek to challenge us, boy?" the waxed-face chittered. "You are but one, and we are many. We are explorers of the unknown, seekers of the higher arts of experience. What could a mere child like you hope to accomplish by fighting us? It will only be your destruction!"
Jonah smirked. "Who said anything about challenging you guys? I want to make a deal with you."
"Huh?" was all Tammy could say in response, dumbfounded by this. Even the Cenobites were taken aback by the audacity.
"Look, I can tell from a glance that you've got a lot of problems right now," Jonah continued, his voice sounding as smooth as oil as he went into full-on salesman mode, pacing between the two groups. "You're trying to recruit new followers into your group; the locals aren't receptive, so you're taking your anger out by breaking their shit because you hope that will make you feel good. But try as you might, you can't get off to this stuff; it's not enough." Jonah then looked directly at the Cenobites. "What if I were to tell you that I know a way for you guys to solve your recruitment problem and satisfy that itch for a new experience to get off to?"
The three Cenobites looked at each other, genuinely confused but also intrigued. Finally, the smiling Goblin spoke. "What is this method of which you speak?"
"Uh uh uh," Jonah said as he held up a finger. "I will tell you, but only if I can speak to your leader."
"You seek to speak with our great leader-?" the wax-faced Demon asked.
"Yes, I do," Jonah simply said. "If you want to know what I know, I will only talk to him about it. Otherwise, you can deal with her Highness standing behind me, and I doubt that that will end well." Tammy was still standing there, smoldering with rage as she glowered at the Cenobites as if to prove his point.
The trio of disciples of Beelzebub look at each other, wordlessly communicating through their eyes, or however wax-faced saw things. Finally, they each gave a head nod before turning to speak with Jonah.
"Very well," the flayed Demon said on behalf of his comrades. "We will take you to Master Pinhead so that he may hear you out. But now this-" the Demon said as he got well within Jonah's personal space. "Should we not like what you have to hear, then you will join us on our expeditions into the carnal arts and exploration of the veil of pleasure."
Jonah didn't even bat an eyelash at this. "Deal."
Tammy was now convinced that Jonah was batshit crazy.
As promised, the Cenobites took Jonah back to their camp a few miles away from the village, with Tammy coming in tow. She didn't have any obligation to do so; she made it clear that she would not take responsibility were he to die (unless Comet found out!). She just thought that learning where the followers of Beelzebub were staying would make her job easier. Yes, that was it! Once Jonah failed his insane gamble as Tammy knew he would, she would be able to deal with them all in one fell swoop!
Once she saw just how many of Beezlebub's followers were in the makeshift camp, she began to reconsider.
From the moment they first set foot in the camp, Jonah and Tammy were beset on all sides by Cenobites, many of them taking the forms of horrifically mutilated, barely humanoid beings. This was the way of the Cenobites, the disciples of Beezlebub, the Lord of Gluttony. House Beezlebub was known throughout the Underworld for being one of two Demonic Houses dedicated to the arts of hedonism and pleasure, the other being House Asmodeus, the Lord of Lust. Unlike their counterparts, though, the members of House Beezlebub, the Cenobites, took their exploration of physical pleasures to the furthest possible extremes, practicing self-mutilation and torture that would make most people shudder. It was said that they could no longer tell the difference between pain and pleasure and thus, feared very little. And now, Tammy Lucitor, heir to House Lucitor, found herself among these worshippers of the carnal arts alongside a Human that she was convinced was crazy.
Jonah, for his part, kept his face completely neutral. He had learned a long time ago that you shouldn't let fear show on your face when you could help it. Make everyone think that you were in control of yourself, and you could control your situation. It was why he was able to handle all the general weirdness that came with being Comet's friend so well, and it was serving him well here as he walked amongst the Cenobites. He stared at their grotesque faces, missing and mutilated limbs, and outfits that reminded him of an extreme S&M dungeon, unflinching until they were brought before a makeshift throne, where a pale-skinned Demon sat. He was dressed in black robes, a twisted version of the ones worn by priests on Earth that interwove into his very skin. His eyes were deep, sunken, and bruised but brimmed with a cunning that Jonah quickly recognized. However, the ritualistic scars carved into his pale white head were his most distinct feature. At each intersection of the wounds were a series of pins that looked to have been hammered into his skull. It didn't take a genius to figure out who this was.
"You are the one they call 'Pinhead,' I presume?" Jonah asked in a polite tone that took Tammy by surprise. The surprise did not stop there, though, as Jonah then proceeded to give a quick but respectful bow to the leader of the Cenobites. "It is an honor to be welcomed into your camp, my Lord."
"I am no Lord," Pinhead said in a booming voice that seemed to capture the attention of everyone who heard it, no matter how far away they were or what they were doing at the time. "I am an explorer in the further unknown regions of experience. Angel to some, Demon to others, right hand to the Lord of House Beezlebub, always." After finishing his statement, Pinhead briefly paused. "And while you may look like a denizen of the overworld, you are not from this world. You are a Human?" Even though Pinhead made it sound like a question, it was actually a statement. He knew Jonah was Human, and should not bother trying to hide it.
So, Jonah didn't. "I am human," he stated, bringing a few murmurs in the crowd, much to Tammy's chagrin. "I am Jonah Ordonia, and I have been tasked by Princess Tamara Lucitor to seek a settlement between the residents of Village Baal and your people."
"There will be no settlement," Pinhead declared. "The Demons of that village will serve the will of our master, the Lord of Gluttony."
"Yeah, but they don't want to. And it's not like you guys can force them to do so," Jonah said in response.
"Incorrect. We are many, and they are few. They will join us, or suffer the consequences."
Seeing as how this was going nowhere, Tammy was about to step in and use his family name to send them packing when Jonah continued. "But what good will that do for you in the long run? You may gain some new members to your ranks, but in the grand scheme of things, you will only ensure that people will hate your ways even more, making it even harder to attract new followers."
Pinhead eyed the boy very carefully, contemplating everything he had just said. Finally, he continued. "And why would we listen to your word, Human? You, whose kind have been nothing but instruments for the entertainment of Demons since time immemorial? We have traveled to worlds you cannot comprehend, explored the further reaches of what the mind and body are capable of enduring. What could a mere Human like you have to offer us that we do not already know about?"
"I thought you'd never ask, Pinhead," Jonah said as he got this cocky grin. "See, these days, straight-up physical torture isn't enough to suit people's needs anymore," he said as he started talking like a salesman once again. "People crave something more civilized to pleasure themselves and satisfy the need for pain. And, luckily for you guys, we Humans have come up with something that is the best of both worlds." With a flourish of his wrists, Jonah proceeded to get his smartphone out of his pocket and presented it to Pinhead in a far more dramatic than necessary. "Two words: Cringe. Videos."
Tammy could barely stop herself from facepalming while the other Cenobites looked on.
"Cringe...videos?" Pinhead repeated.
"All right, so hear me out. On Earth, one of our favorite pastimes is making videos to entertain ourselves. But one of the things we love doing even more than that is watching other people react to those videos."
Pinhead didn't say anything as Jonah continued.
"And one of the things that we love to watch or see other people watch are cringe videos. Videos that are horrible without even trying to be, or videos that are deliberately meant to be cringe. But, not too cringe; the good kind of cringe."
The other Cenobites started looking at the boy with interest as he began to play a random, cringe-ass video on YouTube. "I'm talking about the kind of cringe where you look down, notice that you're aroused, question why you want more, and then just decide to roll with it. And there are even videos and movies that considered so cringe-worthy that forcing others to watch them would be considered a heinous crime." As if on cue, Jonah began to play clips of popular YouTuber reviewer, Nostalgia Critic, as he proceeded to overreact to the worst moments in movie history, including, but not limited to, baby Arnold Schwarzenegger alongside that baby Loki from Son of the Mask. The poor man almost has a heart attack from it.
Much to Tammy, and everyone else's, surprise, Pinhead began to smile as he watched more of these videos. A quick chuckle even began to escape his thin, pale lips. The Cenobite leader was clearly enjoying himself, and soon, his followers began to clamor around to look at what was going on.
When at last, Jonah finished showing them the cringe videos he got, he gave Pinhead an expectant look. "Well, what do you think?"
Pinhead sat there for a moment, deep in thought, before he finally spoke again. "That...was some of the most bizarre and disturbing things that I have seen in all my years pursuing pain." Pinhead then got a visible smile on his face. "And I loved it."
The other Cenobites started nodding their bodies and heads in agreement. "That was amazing!"
"I had no idea that human movies could be so entertaining."
"I have never seen a story told so badly before, and I want more!"
Jonah gave another one of his smirks that Tammy was now certain was his default setting. "Well, I know a friend or two who can teach you how to make your own cringe videos. And I'm pretty sure we can find a way to hook everyone here up with access to the Internet," the boy confidently said. "But in exchange, you have to agree to leave the people of Baal Village and anyone else you come across, alone. No more trying to press-gang them into your group, understand?" Jonah then held out his hand. "Do we have a deal?"
"Human boy, we are but emissaries of our master," Pinhead reminded him. "We serve the will of the Lord of Flies and Gluttony." It looked like Pinhead was going to decline the offer, but then he continued. "But, I think he will agree to your terms in light of what you have shown us." Pinhead then clasped Jonah's hand in his. "For now, we will withdraw from Baal Village and return to our Master."
"Then we have a deal. Here's to cringe-ass videos!" Jonah let out a cheer that was soon enthusiastically joined by the numerous Cenobites as they continued to watch videos on Jonah's phone. The only one who wasn't cheering, though, was Tammy. She was just standing there, dumbfounded. Somehow, this Human boy that she considered little more than a pest had managed to talk down the infamous Cenobites. And as the group began to cheer and enjoy themselves, Tammy was left pondering something that she really didn't want to think about:
How did he do that?
*Back on the Absolute Vindication, everyone present is trying to process what they just witnessed while Jay looks at them, eager for feedback.*
Jay: So, um, what'd you guys think?
DAU Kermit: Cringe videos? Really? That was your answer to dealing with the Cenobites. Why would they care about something like that?
Janna: Jay, have you even seen the Hellraiser movies before?
*Jay gives a very sheepish grin as he scratches the back of his head*
Jay: Heheheh...no. But in my defense, I did research the shit out of them for Halloween last year. Plus, I was basing them more on the parody version from that episode of Rick and Morty than the actual Cenobites. You know, the ones who got off from Jerry Smith's sheer lameness.
Janna: Well, you must not have done that good at researching them, because you'd know-
Jay:-That they are part of the Cult of Leviathan in the films, right? Well, in Demonology, Leviathan is one of the Seven Princes of Hell; the Prince of Envy, to be precise. But I didn't see that fitting with the Cenobites' whole MO of self-gratification and mutilation. So I swapped him with Beezlebub, the Prince of Gluttony. I thought it made more sense.
Janna: Huh. I...can actually see that. Guess you did your homework, then.
Jay: I did enough to help establish the politics of the Underworld. I could explain more about it here, but I was going to have Tammy do that in the next chapter.
Omni: Speaking of whom, don't you think that having her being constantly angry at Jonah isn't the best for a romantic ship?
Jay: Omni, I can name several fictional couples that started off with one or both parties being at each other's throats: Han Solo and Leia Organa, Inuyasha and Kagome, Vegeta and Bulma, Luke Skywalker and Mara Jade-I can go on, you know!
Slick Goku: Nah, man. You good. We got faith in you.
TFS Nappa: Question, though. Just how much of what Tammy saying about Demons messing with Earth true?
Jay: For now, Nappa, operate under the assumption that many myths and legends found on Earth were influenced by visitors from other dimensions. Remember that, because if I have my way, it will be important in the latter half of the story. Now then, I think it's time we get to
READERS REVIEWS
NightAroma-You may be wondering how a romantic couple could ever come up of something like this. Then again, the same could be said of any of the couples I mentioned to Omni. Also, a lot of fanfics with JanTom have Tom attracted to Janna due to her lack of fear and knowledge of the Underworld. I figured I would do that, but make it even funnier.
And yes, I did get the vault of the Underworld from Blackwolfwrites "Sign" AU verse.
LockAndKey989-Hope you liked this one, man.
Julayla-I might actually do that, or have Comet deliberately turn back time and keep Abhorrent from making it to the Diaz House. Or just make Mr. and Mrs. Diaz call the police like responsible parents.
MLPBrony Fan15-I've been waiting to do this ship since day one, actually. I've got a whole roadmap planned for them! And I think the ship for Comet and Marcia is "CoMarci"
The Wandering Hippie-Trust me, Jonah is well aware of the fact that Tammy could kill her if she wanted to. But if she gives in, then Comet will find out and it will cause an interdimensional incident. And Tammy knows that:)
Also, go binge Amphibia and The Owl House already. They helped me get over Star vs. ending.
You know what to do: fave and follow this story, and follow me on Twitter (JZ-Gaming), Insta (RJ Writing Ink), and YouTube (Jungoguy)
See you guys next week for more of Jonah's antics!
