Chapter 3
"What do you think Tony will say when he comes in? Will he be happy?" Muna asked. "What if something went wrong?"
Lara laughed. "Muna, calm down. Tony's getting back from his honeymoon. He and Ziva have been an item for a couple of years before now. If they had decided they didn't like each other, it would have come up before their honeymoon."
"I know you're right, but..."
Tim walked in, smiling at the conversation he had overheard.
"Good morning," he said.
"Oh!" Muna said in surprise. "I thought you'd be Tony."
"Tony and I are very different people, Muna," Tim said.
"Oh, I know that. It's just that..."
The elevator dinged and Tony and Ziva got off together. They said good-bye to each other and Ziva waved at the others before joining Lovitz' team on the other side of the dividers.
"Welcome back, Boss," Tim said with a smile. "Did you have a nice time?"
Tony rolled his eyes.
"Don't make me hit you, McGee," he said. "And yes, I had a very nice time. ...and so did Ziva."
"Well, I hope so. You want an update on what we've been doing in your absence?"
"Absolutely."
"Okay. Lara, why don't you fill him in on the Allen case. I'll go down and see if Abby's got any information back yet. She was hoping it would be here by this morning."
"Information on what?" Tony asked.
"Some new ransomware that Allen seemed to be using before he was killed. Neither of us had ever seen it before and she was asking some of her academic friends if they'd seen it. I'll let you know. Promise."
Tony gave him a thumbs up and Tim headed for the elevator. Once he got on, he sighed and tried to master the inexplicable feeling of jealousy that had suddenly hit him. Tony really had got his life in hand and he seemed really happy. Tim was glad of it. He really was. He had long wanted Tony to heal from all the trauma of the past decade, but seeing it... Tim was jealous that Tony had managed it and he still hadn't. It just wasn't fair.
The elevator dinged and the doors opened. Tim got off the elevator and forced himself to focus on the fact that Tony and Ziva were back at work and on the case that they had been working in Tony's absence. That was all. He took a breath and stepped close enough to the lab doors that they opened.
He was greeted by Abby's loud music as usual. He liked it when things could be normal. It happened more often than not, but he couldn't always react normally. Not anymore.
However, today, he could.
"Tim!" Abby shouted, excitedly.
"Is your glee just normal or does it mean that you got something, Abbs?" Tim asked, smiling.
"Both!" Abby said and grabbed his hand.
She dragged him over to her computer.
"What is it?" Tim asked.
Abby started showing him the information she'd got.
"My friends came through. This is brand-spanking new, Tim. This might be the first time it's been used. Allen might have been the one who made it!"
"Really?" Tim said in surprise. "I didn't think Allen was skilled enough to create his own ransomware. There was nothing in his background to indicate that he was writing code."
"Some people don't have formal training," Abby pointed out.
"True, but... that just doesn't feel right to me," Tim said, looking at the monitor. "This coding is too complex to be just someone doing it on his own. Maybe this is bigger than just Allen."
He flicked through the ransomware coding and back to Abby's email. Back and forth. Back and forth. For about five minutes. It just didn't fit that Allen would have been the originator of this program.
"Maybe he knew who did make it and he wasn't supposed to be using it," Abby said. "And whoever he was working with didn't like it."
"Maybe. Hmm... well, that's definitely news that changes things up in where we go from here." Then, Tim smiled. "By the way, Tony and Ziva are back if you're going to tackle them. Seems like it went well. They probably have pictures."
Abby laughed. "I'd like to, but I do have some work to do first. Tell them to watch out because I'll be up there later, maybe for lunch."
"Will do."
Tim started to leave the lab, but then, he was surprised by Abby grabbing him, turning him around and hugging him tightly.
"Hey... not that I mind, but what's this for?" he asked.
"Tim, everything is going to work out. I know it will. Someday, it's got to."
"Huh?"
Abby let him go and looked at him sternly.
"I know you think I'm oblivious, but I'm not. Tim, I know it's still hard for you, and that seeing Tony and Ziva so happy is probably hard, too. But I know that this will work out. It will. I know it."
Tim smiled weakly. Abby never ceased to surprise him with her sudden insights because she was often oblivious... but she was also often surprisingly observant. He took a breath and then hugged Abby back.
"Maybe this is the best it will ever be," he said softly. "Every time has changed me, Abbs. A lot. Maybe this is the change I have to accept. It's already been years since the last time."
"No. No, you got back before and it was years. You can do it again because we all can help you and you have Dr. Hicks and you have Gibbs and Ducky and Zahara and all of us here. You can," Abby said, hugging him again.
"For now... I'll just let you hope for me, okay?"
"Okay. I will."
Tim swallowed and then let Abby go and left the lab. When he got back onto the elevator, he turned it off for a moment. He had thought he was doing pretty well at covering his continuing problems with just doing work, but it didn't seem to be working, not if Abby was noticing it. It must be more obvious than he had thought it was. He stood quietly in the elevator for a few minutes. He had said before that all the things he'd dealt with were worth it because of what he'd got out of the struggle. He hadn't really felt that way in a while. Although he did love his family and he knew that he would never have met Zahara without all the things that had come before... sometimes, he wondered if it really was worth it. But then, he always thought about what his life would be like without his family and he knew he couldn't give them up. Finally, he took a deep breath and then turned the elevator back on. When the doors opened, he got off and walked over to give his report, trying to be normal.
"What's the news?" Tony asked.
"Brand new, and Abby suggested that maybe Allen was working with someone and took what they were developing and used it himself."
"And got killed for it?" Muna asked.
"Maybe," Tim said.
"Well, that's interesting. We can work that angle and see if it has any legs," Tony said.
"And how far they'll run," Lara added.
"Exactly. Let's get to it. Lara, when you're ready to start questioning Allen's buddies, take Muna with you. Tim, you can get going on seeing if you can analyze where this came from."
Tim nodded and went back to his desk. As he walked by, Tony grabbed his arm lightly.
"You okay?" he asked in a low voice.
Tim raised an eyebrow. "I'm fine. Abby said she's going to come up and tackle you and Ziva later today."
Tony grinned, but he still looked a little concerned.
"You sure?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," Tim repeated. "I'll get going on the ransomware now that we have confirmation that it's new."
Tony nodded and let him go.
"Okay. You do that. We're all glad that you can," he said, letting his voice carry that time.
"Absolutely," Lara said. "I'd be more hopeless than Tony with the computers."
"Hey, I'm better than Ziva," Tony said. "She threatens to kill them."
Muna laughed and got to work without any urging. She knew her job and, even if she was still new to it, she was very skilled. Tim was glad to see her developing her confidence as well as her skills.
Things were more good than bad, Tim knew. He just wished that he could accept it.
For now, at least, there was work to do and that always made sense.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
That evening, Gibbs sat in his basement, sipping at some bourbon as he thought about what Ducky had told him. Tim hadn't come over to work on anything in a while, but that was, in part, because Gibbs had been helping out at his place. They had renovated the kitchen almost as soon as they'd moved in, but over time, they'd worked on other parts of the house and Gibbs had helped with a lot of it after he retired. It had given him something to do and it had allowed him to keep an eye on Tim.
But after they'd finished working on the spare bedroom, Tim had said he needed to take a break from renovations and just enjoy the house for a while. He had also promised to come over and start a new project sometime.
Maybe he'd invite Tim over to start something. He hadn't done that in a while, but he'd have to have something in mind.
A headboard for the spare room?
That might work.
And then, some not-so-adroit questions about why Tim was getting training from the CIA and he was fine with putting the blame on Levi for sharing the information. He smiled to himself and took another sip. He tried not to begrudge Tim his ongoing friendship with Levi, but at the same time, since Levi could be aggravating even to his friends, Gibbs didn't mind revealing it. He put down his jar and pulled out his phone.
It was late enough that he wouldn't be taking Tim away from his family time which Gibbs thought was very important. Knowing how Tim felt about his family and how much he relied on them to keep him stable, Gibbs would never suggest that time in his basement should take precedence.
The phone rang a few times.
"Yeah, Boss?"
"Not your boss anymore," Gibbs said, smiling.
"Old habits die hard. Tony doesn't like it when I call him my boss. He said it's like calling him by your name," Tim said, and Gibbs could hear the smile in his voice as well.
"It's been a while since you made anything. You should come and start a new project."
There was a pause and Gibbs wondered if Tim was going to see through his suggestion and not want to deal with it.
"Like what?" he asked, finally.
"A headboard for the bed in your spare room. Now that the room is finished, you can dress it up."
"It's kind of late."
"I wasn't saying you'd finish it tonight."
Tim actually laughed a little. Something far too rare these days.
"I'll come over for a while."
"Okay."
Gibbs hung up and looked at his wood supply. Was there enough? Well, maybe not, but enough that Tim could decide on what kind of wood he'd use and whatever he chose, Gibbs could make sure that there was enough the next time. ...if Tim was still talking to him. He smiled to himself a little. Tim might get angry but he wouldn't be able to keep away, mostly because Zahara wouldn't let that happen.
He looked around his basement. With all the help he'd been giving Tim in his house, he hadn't started a boat in a long time. That was a good thing, in a way. He'd filled his time with good things.
But for now, he'd start planing and decide what else he'd do.
About twenty minutes later, he heard his door open and close and then footsteps walking across the floor to the basement door and it opened. Gibbs smiled.
"Hey, Tim."
"Hi, Boss." Tim came down the stairs. "I thought you'd might like the break after all the stuff you've helped with in my house."
Gibbs looked up. "Always welcome here. I've said that before."
"I know."
"Any ideas?"
"Not yet, but I'll take a look at the wood you have and see if there's any that I like."
"Go ahead."
Tim nodded and walked over to the wood pile. As he stood there, looking through it, Gibbs was reminded of Tim's first time coming over after his abduction two years ago. He had said then that he wasn't sure he could make it because it was so hard. And while he was so much better than he had been that night, Gibbs was sad to see Tim still struggling. He wanted to be able to help Tim through this. It was just that no one knew exactly what it would take. They all wanted to help but no one knew what to do.
So for now, Gibbs sat quietly on a stool and sipped his bourbon, watching as Tim was ostensibly looking through the wood pile. After about twenty silent minutes, Tim turned around and faced him. There were no tears this time. Tim's experiences had given him a streak of steel that had stood him in good stead, but his last experience had hardened him more than Gibbs liked to see. He really hoped that Tim could soften a bit at some point. Some day.
But not tonight.
"Why did you ask me to come here?" Tim asked. "I know it wasn't just to work on a project."
Gibbs debated and then decided to be as blunt as Tim was being.
"Why are you training with the CIA?"
Tim's eyes widened and then actually narrowed slightly, making him look a little menacing which was a surprise. But then, they returned to normal and Tim sighed.
"Who told you?" he asked.
"Ducky."
"How did Ducky know?" Tim asked.
"Carew told him."
"What? How did Levi know? I haven't told anyone."
"He's good at getting information if he wants it."
Tim rolled his eyes. "Yeah."
"Why?" Gibbs asked again.
"What does it matter to you if I get some extra training?" Tim asked. "There's nothing wrong with that."
"No, but why?"
"Because I want to," Tim said. "That should be enough."
"It's not, Tim," Gibbs said. "And you know why."
"I'm not going crazy again," Tim said.
"I don't think you are."
"Good. Because I'm not!" Tim said, his voice rising slightly.
Gibbs could tell that Tim was getting more upset about this conversation than he needed to be. So the question was whether he let him get riled up or try to calm him down.
...but after only a few seconds, Gibbs decided that there was no reason to get Tim more upset. He had enough to worry about, enough to be upset about. He didn't need anything more. So instead of pushing, Gibbs backed off.
"Tim, you know that we worry. You know why, and it's not because we think you're crazy. It's because we want to help if you need help."
As he'd hoped, Tim relaxed slightly.
"And you think I need help?"
"Don't you?"
Tim laughed, but it was a little painful to hear. He looked down at the piece of rough white walnut he was holding in his hands.
"I don't know if there's anything anyone can do. Sometimes, I've thought of just walking away."
"From what?" Gibbs asked.
"Everything. Everyone." Tim looked up. "I know I'm hard to deal with. I really try not to be, but I am. Sometimes... sometimes, it's okay. But it's not ever really good anymore. And I think it's going to stay that way now. I think that's all I can be. Okay. I think I'm ruined." He looked down again. "I'm back to that first box, Boss. Recognizable as a box but not really anything better than that. And the glue is dry. You can't go back and fix it now."
"Then, why the training?"
"Because maybe... maybe I can be strong enough that I won't be so afraid all the time."
Gibbs walked over and gently took the piece of walnut from Tim's hands and set it aside. Tim didn't resist. Then, Gibbs put his hands on Tim's shoulders and forced him to look up.
"Tim, you're strong enough now. You just need to be willing to see it."
Tim was shaking his head with Gibbs' first words.
"No, I'm not. Boss, I'm not. I manage, but that's mostly what I'm doing and it's not fair to Zahara. It's not fair to my friends. It's not fair to anyone. If I could just be better."
"You can."
"After two years?" Tim asked.
"How long was it the first time?" Gibbs asked. "It was years. You made it. You can again."
"The cracks are wider. Deeper."
"Doesn't matter. You can make it. I told you before that you could and you can," Gibbs said. "With or without CIA training."
Tim looked away and then looked back at him. "I need it, Boss. No matter what the reason is. I need it."
Gibbs could see that Tim believed that. If so, then, it would be better to agree. He didn't have anything against the idea in principle. It was mostly what it indicated that troubled him. So if Tim believed that this was necessary, he'd accept it. For now.
"Okay."
"Don't tell anyone else."
"Okay."
"Thanks."
Tim picked up the piece of wood again.
"Do you have a lot of this?"
"Not much, but I can get more. It's not too expensive. It's pretty soft."
"That's okay. It's a headboard. Doesn't have to hold anything."
Gibbs smiled. "You're right. Any ideas on design?"
"I want to do a chevron pattern again, but in an X shape."
"Bring a plan next time, okay?"
Tim nodded. Then, he set the piece of wood aside and tried to smile.
"I need to get home."
Gibbs nodded and gestured to the steps.
"You're going to make it, Tim," Gibbs said as Tim left.
Tim paused at the top, but he didn't turn around.
"Maybe I can believe that some day."
Then, he left. Gibbs sighed. It wasn't what he hoped, but maybe this really would help in the long run.
For now, Gibbs went to his wood pile and started to sort out the white walnut. There would be a lot of cuts for a chevron pattern. That meant more waste. He'd have to go and buy some more wood tomorrow.
But that would be tomorrow. He set the wood aside and went up to bed.
