Chapter 8

Tim waved as he got onto the elevator and headed out early as he always did on Fridays. In the past, he'd just done his sessions with Dr. Hicks when he finished work, but Tony had decided that it would be better if, barring any needed work, Tim got off a little early. That gave him more time to be with his family in the evening. Tim had tried to protest getting any special treatment, but Tony had insisted. And it had been really nice. While he wanted to reject it, he appreciated it so much that he couldn't.

He drove to Dr. Hicks' office and went inside. Sherry passed him in without pause. Tim knew that Dr. Hicks stayed longer to meet with him and so there was almost never anyone else in the office.

"Good evening, Tim," Dr. Hicks said. "Have a seat."

Tim sat down.

"How are things going?"

It wasn't an idle question. This was the first question in every session, and Dr. Hicks wanted a real answer.

"Okay."

"Elaborate, please."

"A lot happened this week. Not all of it good."

Dr. Hicks smiled. "It's rare that everything is going to be good, and that's the case for everyone."

"Yeah."

"So what happened?"

"Levi found out about my CIA training and he told Ducky... who told Gibbs... who asked me about it."

"Is that bad or good?"

"Bad! I didn't want anyone to know about the training. They'll just misunderstand it."

Dr. Hicks raised an eyebrow. "Will they misunderstand or will they simply understand?" he asked.

Tim looked away. They'd talked about this before and Tim knew how Dr. Hicks felt about what he was doing.

"Tim, which is it?"

Tim stood up and walked to the window.

"I need to be ready."

"You'll never be ready for everything, Tim."

Tim turned around. "I need to be ready for whatever might happen... so I can stop it this time."

Dr. Hicks stood and limped over to him. He put his hands on Tim's shoulders.

"Tim, you can't think of it that way."

"People are still trying. Even with my warning, they're still trying."

"How many times?"

"Too many."

"How many, Tim?" Dr. Hicks asked.

"Two."

"In more than two years."

"Yes."

"How far did they get before they were discovered?"

"Planning stages," Tim said.

"Tim, this isn't the inevitable thing you're thinking it is."

"No. I thought things were better and I was wrong."

"No, you weren't. They are better, and if you would stop insisting on knowing every time there's even a hint, you'd be better off."

"No. I let myself think that and I got taken," Tim said, shaking his head. "If I had been watching... prepared... I..."

"Probably nothing would have changed," Dr. Hicks said. "You'll never be able to be happy if you can't let this go."

Tim turned back to the window.

"I know."

"That isn't a condemnation or a prediction, Tim. You need to fight against that hopelessness. You need to let it go and get back to appreciating the life you have."

"I do."

"No, you cling to it, terrified that you're going to lose it. That's not appreciating it. That's fear, Tim."

"I know."

There was a long silence. Then, a thought came to him.

"Did you tell Levi about it?"

There was a soft laugh behind him. "Of course not, Tim. You know that I'd never share details you told me in our sessions without your permission. Not with anyone. You also know that Levi has plenty of resources he can tap into without trying to get me to share things."

"Yeah, I know," Tim said, reluctantly.

"What else happened this week?"

Tim turned back again, knowing that Dr. Hicks was disappointed. This was the only place where Tim truly let out how he felt about his life and even after all this time, he couldn't escape the fear he had of what would happen if he was taken away again.

"I have my training tomorrow and..." He took a breath. "And I'm going to meet with Roy about our trip."

"Don't sound so excited, Tim."

Tim smiled a little.

"I am excited... but I'm worried, too. I always am, and this is..." Tim walked back to a chair and sat down. Dr. Hicks followed suit. "We're taking the kids this time. We're going to Egypt. Zahara just found out that she's pregnant again and..."

"She is? Congratulations," Dr. Hicks said.

"Yeah. And yes, I'm happy about that, too. It's just that..."

"You're worried."

"Yeah."

"All right, Tim. Anything else?"

"I went to Salma's class this morning. They were having a day for the fathers to come. Every student read something they'd written about their dad and then we all had to introduce ourselves."

"What did Salma write?"

"She only embarrassed me a little," Tim said.

Dr. Hicks smiled. "What did she write?"

Tim smiled back and then sighed. "She said that I was strong even when I cry and that I have a lot of scars and I don't like going swimming. ...and she loves me."

"Of course she does. Did you comment on what she said when you introduced yourself?"

"No. I just gave the basics like everyone else. I know they were wondering, though. They were staring at me as I left."

"Do you know any of the parents of the children in Salma's class?"

"No. Zahara is the one who takes them to play and because Salma is only at school half days, I'm usually at work."

"Besides Levi, who do you do things with outside of work or your family?"

"Ducky and Gibbs."

"Both of whom you know from work. Anyone else?"

"Does running with Norris in the mornings count?"

"Do you talk to him?"

"Not much."

"Then, probably not," Dr. Hicks said. "Does Zahara do things with friends outside of NCIS people?"

"Yes."

"Who?"

"She has friends at the dance studio. She's not working there regularly anymore but she still goes when I can watch the kids or on the odd days when she gets a babysitter. I know she talks to Fatima and Khadija back in Marrakesh a lot."

"So she has a pretty good social circle."

"Yes."

"Is she happy?"

"Mostly," Tim said and tried to smile. He didn't quite make it that time.

"Don't go there, Tim," Dr. Hicks warned.

"Okay."

"A big part of your problem is that your life has become so confined. You have work. You have your family and that's it. Those are good things, but you need to broaden your horizons. And you need to start trusting other people again. We had to work on that a lot before, and you're losing it again. You need to push yourself to trust other people."

Tim shook his head and looked down at the floor.

"Yes, Tim. You do. Okay. Here's your assignment for this next week. You need to meet the parents of one of Salma's friends and talk to them. Just one. Father or mother, guardian, I don't care. But you need to meet them. You know that everyone in Salma's class has been vetted and at this point her friends are either in the neighborhood... and vetted... or they're in her class. You have no reason distrust any of their parents. So I'm going to give you a push and you need to do it. If you haven't done it by the end of next week, I'll get your wife involved. Understood?"

"Yeah," Tim said, knowing that was no idle threat. Dr. Hicks had done it before.

"Good. Now, Tim, I want you to move over to the couch and lay back. You're extremely tense today and you need to relax. So let's see if we can get you to let go some of that stress. All right?"

Tim nodded and walked over to the couch. He lay down and tried to relax.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Ziva looked across the bullpen and saw Tony sitting at the desk that had always been Gibbs'. He was working on something, probably some report. He had told her that he thought Gibbs must have been hiding some computer literacy from them because he couldn't believe how many reports he had to submit as a team lead and he couldn't believe that Gibbs hadn't had to do the same thing. His brief stint being in charge of the team before hadn't been enough to tell him what to expect... or else it had been so long ago that he'd forgotten.

She smiled as she watched him work. Greater responsibility had forced him to mature in ways he hadn't before. He still had the ability to be very goofy on occasion, but it was less common simply because of what he had to do for his job. Moving to Lovitz' team had given her the opportunity to watch Tony more often than she had when they were on the same team. She liked that aspect of her shift in position. She was glad that Lara had been willing to switch teams and that she could stay here. It wasn't that it would have been the end of the world if she and Tony had worked in different locations. That was what most couples did, but she was used to working with Tony and she didn't really want to change that.

Now, she looked at her watch and judged that it was time to leave unless Tony had anything that had to get done tonight. So she walked across the bullpen and sat down on Lara's desk... which had been her desk and the desk Ziva still thought of as hers, truth be told.

Tony glanced up and smiled.

"Just give me a minute and I'll be done," he said.

"That is fine," Ziva said. "I can wait."

"I hope so."

Tony went back to work for a few minutes and then shut down his computer and leaned back in his chair, stretching his hands toward the ceiling.

"Ah. The weekend," he said. "You know what I want to do?"

"What?"

"Go home."

Ziva laughed. "I never thought I'd hear you say that and mean it."

"Hey, I've always liked spending time at home. ...not on Friday nights but still..."

Ziva laughed again and hopped off the desk. Tony stood up stretching.

"I still can't get used to how much paperwork I have to do every day."

"You could take a demotion," Ziva suggested.

"No way, man," he said. "...or rather, woman. I'm here and I'm staying. They're stuck with me until they force me out."

Tony reached over to put his arm around Ziva's waist and they walked together toward the elevator.

"Well, since Tim rejected our company this weekend, do you want to invite anyone else over?" Tony asked.

Ziva sighed. "Perhaps on Sunday. I wish Tim would... be more like he used to be."

Tony smiled ruefully. "Which time? Fifteen years ago before all this started? Ten years ago when he started getting help? Five years ago?"

"Three years ago when he saw his life, even as different and hard as it was, as a good life, one worth having." Ziva shook her head. "I do not think he does anymore."

"Yeah. I don't either. It's not all the time, but there are times when I'll look at him while he's working and he doesn't seem happy about anything. I just don't know what to do about it. And I feel bad... He knew what to do to get me on track. I didn't listen to him, but he was absolutely right. I don't know what to tell him to do to get back to the way he was. Maybe he can't."

They walked out of the building and toward the car.

"No," Ziva said. "I will not believe that he has to be like this for the rest of his life."

She stopped walking and pulled away from Tony, facing him head on.

"If he does... his life will be short."

Tony shook his head.

"No. No, Tim wouldn't go that route."

"Yes, he would, Tony, and you know it. Tim has said before that he would beg the government to take him away if it would keep him safe and he even admitted that he probably couldn't handle it long-term, but he didn't care."

Tony grabbed Ziva's shoulders and shook her a little.

"But he also said that he couldn't do anything to hurt his family. He knows what that would do to them. Tim will not make that choice."

"It has been over two years, Tony. I hate that Tim has had to live this way for this long. Even when he's happy... it doesn't last."

Tony let Ziva go and they got into the car.

"Okay. Why don't we invite Ducky over for lunch tomorrow or Sunday since he goes to bed pretty early and we'll talk to him, see what he thinks about it. Okay?"

Ziva took a breath and nodded. Then, she rubbed at the scars on her wrists. Just as Tim couldn't forget his experiences, her own torture was too easily brought to mind. Tony reached over and covered her hand.

"It's not too late, Ziva. If it wasn't too late for me after ten years, it's not too late for Tim."

Ziva held his hand for a moment.

"I am glad it was not too late for you."

"I'm glad you're glad," Tony said and smiled. "So we'll let Ducky's omniscience amaze us when he comes up with a solution and we won't give up on Tim, no matter what."

"Yes."

"Good. Now, let's get home. I'm hungry and tired."

Ziva smiled. "Is that all you are?"

"For now. We'll see how that changes after I eat something."

Tony leaned over and kissed her quickly and then started the car and they headed home.