Chapter 10
Tim took a breath.
"Zahara?"
"Yes?" Zahara asked as she got out the pan to make baghrir.
"Does Salma have any plans to play with anyone today?"
"No, but she is going to play with Julia on Tuesday. Why?"
"In the afternoon?"
"Yes."
Zahara looked up at him, her brow furrowing.
"What is it, Tim?"
"Nothing really."
"Yes, it is. What?"
"Dr. Hicks said I have to meet one of the parents of Salma's friends this week, and if I don't by Friday..."
Zahara laughed a little. "Tim, I know this is not funny to you, but you're acting like this is a horrible thing. Salma's friends have lovely parents. They are very friendly and they wouldn't be hard to talk to."
"After what Salma said about me on Friday... I know that they're wondering."
Zahara reached out and stroked the scars around his eye.
"It is possible, but you should not be ashamed of your scars. You have many, some on your body, some on your soul. You should not feel that they are a source of shame. You cannot talk about them all, I know. But you hide them more than you should."
Tim closed his eyes in reaction to her touch. Then, Zahara gently kissed him.
"Can you leave work just to take Salma to play?"
"Probably not, but I could pick her up," Tim said, opening his eyes. "That wouldn't be leaving work too early."
"Julia does live somewhat on your way home."
"Okay. We'll talk more about it on Monday night, all right?"
"That's fine. Now, you may set the table."
Tim smiled and nodded. "All right."
He went to the cupboard and pulled out the plates and glasses as he did, he was suddenly struck by how much Zahara just seemed to accept. He knew that he was hard to live with sometimes. He set the plates down on the counter and then walked over to Zahara and hugged her from behind.
"I'm sorry I'm like this still," he whispered to her. "I never thought it would happen. I'm trying to be better... but it's just not working."
Zahara turned around in his arms and hugged him back.
"Tim, stop apologizing for who you are. I know this is hard for you. I know that you want to be better. I want that for you, too. I still love you and that will not change." She stroked his cheek again. "If you would stop worrying about it, you would be happier."
"I don't know how to do that," Tim said.
"I don't either, but you can still try."
Tim nodded.
"For now, I will let you get our children ready for the day while I finish breakfast."
Tim smiled. "Okay."
"And I love you," Zahara said.
"I love you. More than anything."
"I know."
Zahara let him go and went back to fixing breakfast. Tim quickly set the table and then headed up to check on the kids. Marra tagged along behind him. Tim considered the wisdom of letting her come along and then decided not to worry about it. He knocked softly on Salma's door.
"Salma, are you up?"
"Yes, Baba!"
"Are you dressed?"
"No."
"Mama is making breakfast so it's time to get dressed."
"Yes, Baba!"
Then, Tim walked to Jonathan's room and poked his head in the door.
"Jonathan?"
He couldn't see his son in bed, and for a moment, he felt a thrill of fear at what that might mean. Quickly, he stepped into the room.
"Jonathan?"
"Boo!"
Jonathan jumped out of his closet and Tim jumped for real, but he managed to smile as Jonathan started laughing and Marra jumped around excitedly.
"I scare you!" Jonathan said, triumphantly.
Tim let out a whoosh of air.
"Yes, you did, Jonathan. You scared me a lot," he said. "I'm glad you're awake. You need to get dressed. It's almost time for breakfast. Do you want to pick your clothes?"
"Yes! I pick now, Baba!"
"Good."
Jonathan brought out his chosen clothes, and Tim helped him get dressed. Jonathan was almost to the point where he could do it himself, but he didn't pay attention to details like whether his pants and shirt were forward or backward. So he needed some help and supervision.
Once he was dressed, Tim took his son by the hand, fended off Marra, who could easily knock a three-year-old over unintentionally, and led him down to the kitchen where Salma had already taken her seat at the table. Tim fed Marra to keep her from trying to snag their pancakes (which she had done successfully on occasion) and then joined his family. Zahara said a quick prayer and then they began eating. As always, Tim poured plenty of the honey syrup on his pancakes while Zahara was much more moderate. Salma and Jonathan followed Tim's lead, although they were much messier about it. Tim helped Jonathan cut his pancakes but he still got honey all over his fingers and his face.
Breakfast was one of those times when Tim could usually just enjoy his time with his family. They were all together, enjoying being together, eating together. It was one of the best times of the day as far as Tim was concerned. Today, they were going to attend a mass in the morning and go to the park in the afternoon. While they didn't attend religious services every week, Zahara wanted the family to go on occasion, and Tim supported her in that, knowing that she had a deep faith in God, even if she wasn't sure which religion she wanted to follow. They had also gone to the Friday services and celebrated Eid. Although she had told Tim that she didn't want their children to be as confused as she had been, she didn't want to give up on either one. Instead, she tried to teach them about God and that people worshipped Him in different ways. Tim respected her approach and, when Salma asked him questions, he followed Zahara's lead.
When breakfast was finished, Tim had Salma help him clean up (while Zahara cleaned Jonathan up) and then they played a game before heading out to the service. As he looked at his family, Tim again thought about how much he treasured his family. He couldn't ever give them up.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
"Hey, Ducky, come on in," Tony said.
"Gladly," Ducky said as he stepped inside.
Ziva came to greet him as well and hugged him quickly.
"It is good to see you, Ducky," she said. "I know it was time for you to retire, but I miss seeing you at NCIS every day."
Ducky smiled. "There are benefits to being retired and to working. I'm finding out both. Now, how has your first week of marital bliss been?"
Tony laughed. "We're on the second week, Ducky. We had our honeymoon, too...and we were married then."
"True, but a honeymoon is not really part of normal life and so hardly counts as living a married life... although I suppose the bliss part is accurate."
"Definitely," Tony said, leering at Ziva a little.
Ziva rolled her eyes and hit him. Ducky chuckled.
"We are still adjusting to things but we didn't rush into this and so it is going well," she said. "So far." She gave Tony a look.
Tony laughed. "No complaints, Ducky," he said. "Not a one."
"Good."
"Come into the kitchen for lunch. It's nothing fancy," Ziva said, "but we wanted to make sure you enjoyed it."
"I'm sure I will with two skilled cooks living in the same house," Ducky said. "What are we having?"
"Ziva made me realize that I don't know any Jewish dishes and so she's been teaching me. I hope you don't mind."
"Not at all," Ducky said. "I haven't had much in the way of Israeli cooking, so I'm intrigued to try it."
"Excellent. We're having..." Tony hesitated. "Pronunciation help, please?"
"Bazargan," Ziva said, grinning. "It's a bulghur salad. And I made matzoh ball soup and challah bread."
"Sounds delicious and filling," Ducky said.
Tony and Ziva dished up the meal together, although Tony was not above making things difficult, and Ziva was not above taking him to task for it. Both of them were laughing and enjoying the process. In addition, Ducky enjoyed watching them. It wasn't that they were particularly demonstrative, but they were comfortable with each other. They didn't feel the need to put on a show, and they were happy being together and being themselves. It was a lovely thing to see.
Lunch was a pleasant affair. They chatted lightly with each other and there was no mention of any particular reason for this invitation, but Ducky had a feeling that there was some underlying motive for it. However, he didn't bring it up during the meal, choosing instead to enjoy it and the company of two friends.
"That was delicious," Ducky said. "You may invite me over for lunch anytime. Now, I believe there is something you're wanting to ask me."
Both Tony and Ziva looked a little sheepish.
"How could you tell?" Ziva asked.
Ducky smiled. "Give me a little credit. I'm old but not decrepit."
"It's not that we don't like your company, Ducky," Tony said. "We really do!"
"I never doubted it. Please, if you have something on your minds, there's no reason to beat around the bush." Then, Ducky chuckled a little mischievously. "Besides, I'm old and you never know what might happen next."
Tony and Ziva both laughed and relaxed a little.
"Well, let's go into the living room to talk. It's more comfortable there," Tony said. "I made Ziva accept my comfy couches."
Ziva laughed and didn't disagree.
They went into the living room and sat down. Ducky was momentarily distracted.
"What is this?" he asked, pointing to a box which was stained blue and had an elaborate tile mosaic. "A wedding gift?"
"Yes," Ziva said. "It was from Tim."
"He made it himself," Tony added.
"Timothy made this?" Ducky asked. "It's quite stunning. It must have taken him a long time."
Tony nodded. "Zahara told us that he made it while he was recovering from... last time. It was his way of trying to get better and then, when he found out that we were dating, he decided to save it for us if we got married."
"I'm sure you must appreciate it," Ducky said.
"We do. It's beautiful," Ziva said. "In fact, we tried to say that it was too precious to be given to us, but Zahara said that blue is the color of Tim's happiness and he wanted to share that with us. Actually, this is related to what we wanted to talk about."
"All right. What is it?" Ducky asked.
"It's about Tim," Tony said. "I finally get what he meant."
"Meaning?" Ducky asked.
"He said once when he was trying to get me to think a little that the happier he was, the more obvious it was to him that others weren't happy and the more he wanted to spread his own happiness around. Ever since we got back from our honeymoon... it's really obvious that Tim isn't really happy. He hasn't been, and I... we are really worried."
"I don't blame you for being worried. Jethro and I have felt the same on occasion," Ducky said.
"What can we do, Ducky?" Ziva asked. "Tim deserves to be happy after all he's gone through, but I feel that he is not making any progress. I don't want him to stay as he is."
Ducky sighed sympathetically. "I don't know the answer, unfortunately. Everyone has to go about their healing in their own way. Anthony, you were the same."
"Yeah, but Gibbs kicked me in the rear and got me going and then Dr. Hicks forced me to work on it. Tim talks to Gibbs all the time and he meets with Dr. Hicks, and I know he's been working on healing... but it feels like he's stuck," Tony said. "I don't know how to get him unstuck."
"I'm afraid I don't, either," Ducky said. Given how secretive Tim had been about his extra CIA training, Ducky felt that telling Tony and Ziva would be a mistake. He might encourage Tim to tell them given the chance, but he had told the only person he felt he could tell.
Ziva leaned forward, her expression very serious.
"Ducky, I am afraid of what he might do," she said. "If he lost his hope for a better life."
Ducky leaned over and patted her hand.
"I don't know that I'd worry about suicide, although it would not be amiss to keep tabs on him in that respect. My fears are actually on the other extreme."
Ziva's brow furrowed. "What do you mean?"
"I'm more afraid that, in his desperation to keep the life he has, Timothy will go too far in trying to preserve it."
"What's too far when it comes to protecting himself and his family?" Tony asked. "Anyone would..."
"No, Anthony. I'm not speaking of simply being willing to defend oneself. That is absolutely understandable and I would expect nothing less. No, I worry more that Timothy will not defend. He will he thinks that it would be the same result, it wouldn't be. Not for Timothy."
"He said his parents raised him to be a gentleman," Ziva whispered. "And mine raised me to be a killer."
"Yes," Ducky said gently. "He has never been able to accept the death of others easily. If he chooses to pursue and kill those who might plot to take control of him again, I fear he will lose himself... in a way more permanent than death would be."
"What can we do about that?" Tony asked. "He's never been as willing to talk to us as he has been with you and Gibbs."
"Again, I'm not sure, but be there for him as you have. Try to help him see the good in life."
"We invited him to come to dinner," Ziva said.
"Good. Those activities will help, even if they don't seem to."
"How?" Tony asked. "They really don't seem like they're helping."
Ducky smiled a little. "They are. At some point, Timothy will come to a crossroads and have to make a choice about what direction he wants his life to take. This will be a permanent decision one way or another. If he has the pleasant connections to remember, I believe he will be more likely to make the right choice. What we have to do is show him the life he wants. The life he really wants."
"Can we do that?" Ziva asked.
Ducky nodded firmly. "Yes. We can, and we can help Timothy make the choice that will lead him to happiness again."
