Author's Note: Thank you so much to GraceMonroe for your review! I hope ya'll aren't too mad at me after this one, haha! On the bright side, this is another long chapter, so maybe that makes up for it...?


Chapter Nine: Downpours and Deliverance

Mairead sat back on her heels and contorted her head so that she could wipe her brow on her upper arm, the only part of her that wasn't covered in soil and fertilizer. It was blazing hot outside, and so humid that Mairead felt like she was wading through her own perspiration with every step she took. Normally Mairead would never have gardened outside in the heat of the day like this, if only for the sake of keeping her freckles in check, but it was forecast to rain later on, and she wanted to get as many plants repotted as possible. Professor Sprout had always said that plants loved a good soak after repotting.

The sky had been growing dark for the better part of an hour now, and Mairead could hear the first rumblings of thunder. She braced her hands on her knees and levered herself into a standing position. Her back complained as she straightened, but she ignored it and moved onto the row of Dittany plants that had grown from clippings Professor Sprout had brought, dragging her empty larger containers with her.

She smiled to herself as she remembered the praise Professor Sprout had given her the last time the Herbology professor had come up to the rooftop to assess Mairead's progress and consult on the Bubotuber plant Mairead was struggling with. She loved making her former Head of House proud. Mairead's smile turned into an embarrassed grimace as she recalled the way Professor Sprout had heaped praise on her at the Order meeting later on. Mairead abjectly loathed being the focus of attention, even when she was being complimented. Not even the broad smile from a certain grey-eyed gentleman had made the attention worthwhile.

Mairead's smile returned, bashful even in solitude, as her thoughts turned, as they always did before too long, to this other former professor. Mairead and Remus - for he was back to insisting that she call him by his given name - seemed to have come to an unspoken agreement not to talk about the day after the full moon.

They had slept the entire day, embraced on the couch. Mairead had been awoken in the evening by the cold, wet nose of Sherlock, snuffling at her hand and begging her to go outside. She had left Remus asleep on the couch and when she had returned after an hour-long jaunt on the beach with Sherlock, he was still out cold. Mairead had fed Sherlock and Moriarty, played quietly with them for a while, and then returned to the couch, somewhat guiltily curling back up against Remus's side and falling back to sleep.

Mairead did not recall doing so, but somehow during the night they had both wound up horizontal on the couch. They had awoken the following morning, Remus's arms curled around Mairead and Mairead half-lying on top of Remus. They had awkwardly disentangled their limbs, Mairead blushing so hard she could actually see the redness on the end of her nose, shamefacedly apologized to one another, and not spoken of the incident since.

Mairead imagined that Remus must have looked back on that night with embarrassment and regret. For her part, Mairead had avoided washing her hair for as long as she could reasonably manage, because she could smell faint traces of his woodsy scent in it.

She had feared that this occurrence would cause Remus to dig even further into his avoidance of her, but Mairead was delighted to have been wrong. Though he had been busy with guard duty in the Department of Mysteries and trying to track down other members of the werewolf community (if it could be called a community), Mairead had bumped into him numerous times in the five days following the full moon incident. He had asked her to fill him in on all of the details surrounding the listening device she and Arthur had finally created, had joined Mairead, Sirius, Hermione, and the Weasley children in tackling a dresser in the kitchen stuffed so full of dark objects that some of the drawers wouldn't open, and had even offered to help Mairead with some of the gardening work that required two people.

Mairead felt the first rain drops hit her face and hands and hastened to finish up the repotting. Not only did she want to finish this project before the storm really got going, but she also had a third attempt at the Wolfsbane potion brewing in her lab that would be ready to be checked on.

The rain began to pick up, and Mairead paused for a moment to tilt her head back and enjoy the cool droplets of water hitting her face. Even though the weather had been ghastly lately, Mairead still loved being outdoors. As she worked, she mused that most of her duties for the Order comprised the things she loved to do best: brewing potions, gardening, and tinkering with Muggle technology.

This last had been the subject of much excitement in the last Order meeting. Now that Mairead and Arthur had figured out how to make a functional listening device, Mairead had hastened to build more. Arthur had informed the Order that the perfect opportunity to plant listening devices in Malfoy and Macnair's offices at the Ministry was coming up. The annual Minister's Ball would be taking place in mid-August, and the event would provide the anonymity of a crowd and the distraction they needed, as both Lucius Malfoy and Walden Macnair never failed to attend the event. Mairead could scarcely believe that one of her ideas had come to life and was going to help make a real difference to the Order.

It was now raining heavily, and Mairead stood up and began rushing around putting her tools and materials away. The plants looked happy to Mairead - their leaves bounced jauntily as the raindrops hit them and they seemed to be reaching for the water with their vines and stems. Mairead curled over the openings of the bags of soil and fertilizer and carried each of them into the shelter of the greenhouse. She stepped back out into the rain and all of a sudden it was positively pouring out. She gave a little cry of surprise, then began grabbing her tools in great armloads.

Despite her haste, Mairead was soaked to the skin by the time she stepped back through the doors into the attic, and by the time she reached her potions lab she was shivering. The potion wasn't quite ready yet, but it would be ready for attention before the end of the evening. She decided to go downstairs and make herself a cup of tea to nurse while she waited.

She walked into the kitchen to find Remus and Sirius teamed up on one side of a chess board against Ron, who, judging by the number of chess pieces stacked off to his side of the board, was doing just fine on his own.

Sirius, disconsolate-looking face in hand, turned to look at her and his eyebrows shot upwards.

"Gee, is it raining, Mairead?" he asked lightly.

Remus turned to Mairead at Sirius's words and his mouth fell open, a stunned look on his face.

Shit, I must look awful, Mairead thought to herself as she made for the kettle resting on the stove. Better make this quick.

"Oh, crap," she said in mock dismay. "I forgot you're supposed to take your clothes off before you shower."

"How goes the gardening?" asked Sirius, dropping the teasing act and wincing as Ron's bishop knocked his knight off his horse and dragged him off the board by the helmet.

"Repotting is done!" she said triumphantly as she tapped the kettle with her wand. "Just in time for the storm like I was hoping."

"Good that you'll be able to go home and change, then," said Ron, leaning back casually in his chair and taking a swig from a bottle of butterbeer.

"Nah, I've a potion that'll need tending to in a bit," said Mairead as she poured water over her tea and glanced at the clock to time the steep. "I'm just going to stay here and suffer through 'til it's done."

She walked over to stand beside Ron's chair and tilted her head to one side, curiously considering the board.

"Do you play?" asked Ron, still waiting for Sirius and Remus to make their move.

Mairead shook her head. "I'm lousy at it," she said. "I know how the pieces move, but that's about it."

Just then, Remus, who hadn't spoken one word to her since she had entered and who had been intently staring at the board ever since recovering from his surprise at seeing her current bedraggled state, pushed his chair back and rose.

"Please excuse me for one moment," he muttered, heading for the door.

Was it just her, or was he giving her an especially wide berth as he passed? Had she said something to offend him?

"Moony, where the hell do you think you're going?!" yelped Sirius. "It's our move!"

"We're six moves from mate, Pads," said Remus without looking back. "I told you not to take the queen out that early."

As the kitchen door clicked shut behind Remus, Sirius leaned forward, his dark brows coming together as he studied the board. Mairead looked too, but had absolutely no idea what she was looking for. Eventually Sirius looked up at Ron, who looked utterly at his ease.

"Well, fuck," said Sirius, sticking out his hand for Ron to shake.

Mairead chatted amiably with Sirius and Ron for a few minutes, leaning back against the kitchen counter. She was in the middle of removing the tea leaves from her mug when Remus returned, a pile of clothing in his hands.

"Here," he said quietly, walking over and depositing the pile into Mairead's hands. "You'll freeze if you stay in those. Wear these while yours are drying."

Mairead's eyebrows went up. "Thank you so much!" she exclaimed.

Remus shrugged and put his hands into his pockets. "The trousers are drawstring so you should be able to cinch them to fit your waist," he added.

"You are the best," Mairead said sincerely. She happily abandoned her tea to go and change.

He is so thoughtful, Mairead thought dreamily as she peeled off her drenched clothing in the nearest bathroom and hung it up to dry. Thoughtful and considerate and kind and generous and... okay, get ahold of yourself.

He had given her a pair of soft joggers, one of his button-downs (which she pressed to her nose and spent several long moments deeply snuffling for his scent), a jumper, and a pair of socks. Judging from these, and comparing them to the usual state of his clothing, he had lent her some of his nicest clothing.

In addition to cinching the waist as tightly as she could without stressing the worn-out drawstring, Mairead had to roll the joggers over several times at the waist and up at the cuffs to allow her feet to poke out. She also had to roll up the sleeves of the button-down and the jumper. At the sight of the long socks, however, Mairead decided simply to shove them into the pocket of the trousers and go barefoot rather than risk stretching them out, as they looked as though they might go up to her knees.

Mairead indulged herself for a moment and hugged herself tightly, swinging back and forth blissfully, before pulling herself together and returning to her potions lab to check on the potion.

She found the potion ready for tending, and by the time she returned to the kitchen to fetch her tea, she was certain it would be cold.

Hermione and Ginny had joined the table now, and were watching Sirius and Remus take on Ron in another game, occasionally calling out advice of their own. Mrs. Weasley was bustling around the kitchen, and when she spotted Mairead she smiled warmly and said, "I've enchanted your tea to stay warm, dear."

Mairead was touched by this simple act of kindness and smiled shyly at the older witch. "Thank you," she said softly.

"Remus. Moony. Remus."

Mairead turned curiously at the sound of Sirius's voice to find that Remus was looking at the floor in front of Mairead, a strange expression on his face. At the sound of his name, however, he smiled wryly and turned back to the table.

"I'm thinking, Sirius," he said.

"Yeah, I can see that. Can you please think about the game?"

"In a minute," said Remus. Then, frowning slightly at Mairead, he said, "Didn't I give you any socks? I thought I had..."

"Oh, yes, you did," Mairead said, hastily pulling the pair of socks out of the pocket and showing them to him.

Frowning again, Remus said, "Do they have holes in them? I didn't see any when I looked."

Mairead smiled. "No, no, it's nothing like that. It's just..." she trailed off awkwardly, fiddling with the socks. Seeing that he was politely waiting for her answer, she finally confessed, "Professor Lupin, you are - as we have previously established - my all-time favorite person... But if our feet are the same size, I'm going to have to kill myself."

He threw his head back and laughed. "Fair enough," he said, smiling broadly at her. "And stop calling me that. I'm not your professor anymore."

"Sorry," Mairead mumbled, returning his smile shyly before retrieving her mug and turning to go back upstairs.

She smiled bashfully into her mug as she climbed the stairs out of the basement, rubbing her free hand absent-mindedly along the soft, well-worn fabric of Remus's jumper. Despite the fact that he had returned to his warm, friendly demeanor towards her, and despite the fact that she was currently dressed entirely in his clothing, Mairead still frequently became overcome with bouts of shyness when it came to Remus, particularly when he smiled at her the way he had been.

Mairead tiptoed her way across the entrance hall and was starting up the staircase to the upper levels when she heard the locks undoing themselves behind her. She turned to greet the newcomer, and she smiled widely at the sight of the balding head of red hair coming through the door. She had come to like and respect Arthur a great deal while they had been working on the listening devices together, and they had been quite friendly since then.

"Hello, Arth-" the words and Mairead's smile died as she caught sight of Arthur's pale face and fretful expression. "What is it?" she asked sharply, hurrying down the stairs as quietly as she could. "What's wrong?"

"Where is everyone?" asked Arthur in a hushed tone.

Mairead jerked her head in the direction of the kitchen and Arthur took off for the stairway, Mairead close on his heels.

The atmosphere in the kitchen went from relaxed and jovial to tense and anxious almost instantly as everyone saw Arthur's face.

"What's happened?" asked Sirius, standing up abruptly.

"There has been a dementor attack," Arthur said, striding over to his wife and putting an arm around her shoulders. "In Little Whinging."

There was an outcry of shock around the kitchen. Ginny cried out and clapped both hands over her mouth, Hermione and Ron stared at one another, identical expressions of horror on their faces, and Mrs. Weasley clutched weakly at her husband's hand. Remus stood up, but only, it seemed, to place a staying hand on Sirius's shoulder, who had pulled out his wand.

Arthur raised the hand that was not steadying his wife and urgently added, "No one was hurt. Harry is safe."

Hermione, Ginny, and Ron all visibly sagged with relief, and Mrs. Weasley let out a whimper, turned in Arthur's arms, and rested her head against his chest.

"Good old Dung," Sirius said, still looking quite shaken. "Fought them off."

Some of the anxiety on Arthur's face was replaced by anger - an emotion Mairead had never seen in him before. "Not quite," he said, a sharp note to his voice. "It appears that Mundungus abandoned his post to pursue a business opportunity. Harry had to conjure a Patronus to protect himself and his cousin."

"WHAT?!"

So many people had shouted it simultaneously that it would have been comical had the situation not been so dire. Dumbledore had constantly been impressing upon Arabella Figg, Mundungus Fletcher, and Sturgis Podmore the importance of ensuring Harry did not use magic. What would this mean for him?

"What has been the Ministry's response, Arthur?" asked Remus, looking paler than usual.

Here Arthur hesitated. "Well, that remains to be seen. Dumbledore is over there now trying to sort things out... But the Ministry's original response was to expel Harry from Hogwarts, effective immediately."

Sirius broke away from Remus's hold and started for the door. "I have to go over there," he said shortly.

Mairead blocked the door with her body and placed both hands on Sirius's chest when he came near. "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" she said sternly. "Absolutely not."

"Get out of the way, Mairead," Sirius growled in a low warning voice, and Mairead was more aware than she would have liked to have been of the way he raised his wand to chest height. It was pointed straight up at the ceiling, but with their height difference it was right at eye level for Mairead - a silent threat.

Remus stepped forward and once again grasped Sirius by the shoulder. "I wouldn't do that if I were you," said Remus. He spoke quietly, but there was a naked threat in his voice that Mairead couldn't help but feel was unwarranted for a simple attempt to leave the house.

"Then get her out of the way, Moony," Sirius snarled.

Mairead frowned, confused by their exchange, but then cast the thought aside.

"There are plenty of other people who can handle this without endangering their own lives," Mairead said, folding her arms and not budging. "Stay here."

"You don't understand - he'll try to leave the house if he's been expelled!" Sirius said urgently. "You don't know him like I do! He won't stick around and wait for some Ministry berk to come and snap his wand in two!"

"Then I'll go," said Mairead. "Or Arthur or somebody else."

"He won't listen to you!" insisted Sirius.

"Write to him, then," Remus said. "Send him an owl and tell him to stay where he is."

Sirius was breathing heavily, like he had been running. "Fine," he snapped, looking thunderously angry. He glared at Mairead. "Can't write to him if you're blocking the door, princess," he snarled.

Mairead sucked in a breath and reminded herself how very afraid for Harry's safety Sirius must be. She let go of her annoyance and stepped aside to allow him through. Remus paused very briefly in the doorway to rest a hand on her upper arm and give her an apologetic look before following Sirius.

In the silence that followed, Ron asked in a tentative voice, as if he wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer, "What'll happen to Harry, Dad? Now that he's expelled?"

Arthur took off his glasses and wiped them, one-handed, on the front of his Ministry robes. "We don't know that the expulsion will stick," he said. "If I know Dumbledore, he's probably already convinced Mafalda Hopkirk to reconsider. They've always had a good working relationship."

"Yes, but... Professor Dumbledore's not terribly popular at the Ministry at the moment, is he?" Hermione asked. "Will his influence mean anything?"

Arthur sighed heavily. "I don't know, Hermione," he confessed.

Mrs. Weasley seemed to have pulled herself together. "Never you fear, dear," she said in a convincingly bracing voice. "We'll take good care of Harry, no matter what happens. He'll be in good hands no matter the outcome."

The room lapsed into silence. After a few minutes Sirius and Remus returned, both looking grim. Remus went over to the table and quietly said, "We should pack this up, Ron. I'm sure there'll be an Order meeting before too long." Ron blinked, seemingly having forgotten the game of chess they had been in the middle of, and began helping Remus clear away the board.

While everyone in the room watched Remus and Ron for lack of anything better to do, Sirius sidled up to Mairead.

"Hey," he said quietly.

Mairead looked up and instantly recognized remorse on his face. Sirius opened his mouth to speak again, but Mairead quickly reached out and took his hand, squeezing it reassuringly. She wrapped her other hand around his bicep and pulled him close, giving his arm a hug. Sirius sighed and gave her a small, grateful smile as he squeezed her hand in return.

It wasn't long before Dumbledore arrived, letting himself into the kitchen. Sirius, who had been resting his chin on top of Mairead's head, released her and immediately accosted the Headmaster, along with Ron, Hermione, and Mrs. Weasley.

"What's happening?"

"Has Harry really been expelled?"

"What's going to happen to him?"

"Where is Harry now?"

Dumbledore waited patiently for silence, then said, "All is not lost. Harry must appear before Amelia Bones for a disciplinary hearing on the twelfth of August. I have persuaded Mafalda to withhold judgment on the matter of Harry's expulsion until the hearing is concluded. He is currently suspended from Hogwarts, but no longer expelled. He still has his wand and is still at his aunt and uncle's house."

"We can't leave him there," said Sirius at once.

"No, indeed," Dumbledore agreed. "And that is why I have called a meeting of the Order of the Phoenix, so that we may determine the safest way to convey Harry here as soon as possible."

As Dumbledore spoke, Order members began to file into the room. Some, like Kingsley and Tonks, appeared to have some information already. Others, like Sturgis and Hestia, looked perplexed.

Once Mrs. Weasley had ushered Ron, Hermione, and Ginny out of the kitchen and everyone else had arrived, Dumbledore wasted no time in getting everyone up to speed. Dumbledore spoke calmly, but Mairead could see anger such as she had never seen before flashing in the old wizard's eyes when he explained how Mundungus had abandoned his post guarding Harry because of some back alley cauldron deal. This anger was clearly shared by most members of the Order, and when, fifteen minutes into the meeting, Mundungus himself entered the room to join the meeting, chaos broke out.

Sirius was on his feet, wand in hand, so quickly that Mairead didn't even see him rise. Mundungus was blown across the room and hurled into the dresser holding the dishes and cutlery. The crashing sound of breaking glass could be heard from within as he slid to the floor with a low groan. Sirius kicked his chair aside and slowly advanced on Mundungus, throwing spells at him. It was difficult to hear what spells Sirius was using, however, as Molly Weasley was shouting at the top of her voice at Mundungus.

"Oi - Sirius - geroff, mate!" Mundungus yelped as he was repeatedly hit with what looked like Stinging Hexes, arms crossed over his head to protect his face.

Mairead cringed back in her seat, anxiety ripping through her at the loud voices, anger, and violence permeating the air. She felt overwhelmed and put a shaking hand over her eyes, wishing to be anywhere but here.

"Expelliarmus."

There was a pause in the tumult as everyone turned to watch Sirius's wand fly out of his hand and toward Remus, who caught it easily.

"That's enough, Sirius," he said quietly. Mairead studied his expression and saw that he, too, looked as though he were fighting back intense fury at Mundungus. Not for the first time, Mairead watched in wonder as before her very eyes, Remus cleared his expression of all emotion, like a card sharp revealing an ace only to slip it safely back within their deck of cards a second later.

Sirius rounded on Remus. "How can you just sit there calmly and do nothing after what this turgid sack of filth did?" he demanded, blue eyes flashing dangerously. He looked about four seconds away from attacking Remus next.

"Because taking my anger out on him won't help Harry," Remus said evenly.

Realization visibly dawned on Sirius's face. He swallowed, then turned back to Mundungus.

"We're not finished," he said in the same low voice he had used on Mairead earlier. Then, he sat down next to Remus, prepared to resume the meeting.

Mairead subtly watched Sirius and Remus as the meeting went on. It was absolutely astonishing to her, the relationship the two men had. They were able to communicate so much to one another without any words at all. Mairead marveled at the way Remus seemed to be the only one who could reason with Sirius when he got to a certain point. And Sirius seemed to be able to tell just from a glance what was going on in Remus's head, even though Remus so often seemed capable of rendering himself utterly unreachable by anyone.

Mairead couldn't help but wonder if she and Cedric could have one day become like the two of them: so well-known to the other that to an outsider if would seem like they communicated telepathically. But thinking of Cedric only ever ended in tears, and so she refocused her attention on Dumbledore, who was asking for volunteers to escort Harry from Surrey to London.

For a moment, Mairead toyed with the idea of volunteering to help in some manner, but within seconds no fewer than eleven people had volunteered. Sirius scowled mutinously as Dumbledore reminded him that he was not to leave the house, but then he seemed to be somewhat placated when Dumbledore told Mundungus that he had already demonstrated precisely the level of concern he had for Harry's safety and so he would also not be permitted to volunteer, either. This took the number of the Advance Guard down to nine. A date was set for four nights from now. There were to be three more Order meetings over the next four days, although only the members of the Advance Guard would attend two of them - the first to come up with a plan and the second to communicate their plan to Dumbledore. For safety purposes, no one else would know the details of the plan to fetch Harry.

The third meeting would take place the night Harry would arrive at Grimmauld Place, to debrief the Order on the mission, as well as to dig into plans to infiltrate the Minister's Ball, which was rapidly approaching. Dumbledore also asked Snape to try to find out more about Voldemort's plans regarding the Dementor attack, and report back at the meeting on the sixth.

The meeting was adjourned, and Mairead stood, slipping away from the table to put some distance between herself and Sirius. She did not want to get caught in any crossfire should he resume avenging Harry.

She was halfway to the door when Remus stepped in front of her.

"Are you all right?" he asked in a quiet, concerned voice, eyes scanning her face.

"Yeah, why?" she asked, puzzled.

A line formed between Remus's eyebrows as he watched her. "No reason," he said slowly.

"What about you?" Mairead asked, searching his expression now. "I know you - you care a lot about Harry, don't you? Are you okay?"

One corner of his mouth twitched. "You were nearly attacked by my best friend and your first concern is for my feelings?" he asked.

Mairead raised her eyebrows. "Well, if he'd had a knife I might've been a biteen more concerned."

Remus let out a surprised laugh, but in catching him off guard Mairead could see darker emotions float to the surface for the briefest of moments. Her mouth twitched indecisively, then, she stepped forward and gave him the quickest hug she could manage. She heard another surprised chuckle from him. She stepped back and scratched awkwardly at her eyebrow, looking anywhere but at him when she spoke.

"Erm, just so you know, you can... you know... just - I'm also here if you want to talk. I mean - if you want to. Which you might not. And that's totally fine. N-not that you need my approval - because you don't. Need my approval, that is, not not want to talk. I don't know if you want to talk - which you also don't have to tell me. I just... you know, you said I could talk to you if I wanted to and I just wanted to tell you that it goes both ways. If you want. Which -"

"What are you wearing?" Mairead heard Fleur's French-accented voice cut through her spiral of ineptitude.

"Oh," Mairead said, turning to Fleur and then looking down at herself. She had completely forgotten that she was dressed in Remus's clothing. It now felt as though getting caught in the downpour had happened days ago. "Long story," she finally concluded.

Fleur was looking at her in a mixture of distaste and sympathy. "Perhaps sometime you and I should go to ze shops togezzer," she suggested. "I can 'elp you peeck out more flattering clozing."

"Erm, maybe," Mairead said noncommittally.

Fleur looked at her critically. "You know, you could be razzer pretty eef you just made an effort," she said.

Mairead blinked at her. "Thanks. I'll have to give making an effort a try sometime," she said.

Fleur smiled as though she had just let Mairead in on the secret to all of her beauty and success, then turned to seek out Bill, leaving Mairead no excuse not to turn back to Remus and face him. He must be utterly repulsed by her clownishness. She braced herself and was working up the courage to turn back around when she heard him speak in her ear from behind her.

"Ignore her," he said.

Mairead whirled and blinked at him in surprise.

"You're lovely just the way you are," he added with a soft smile.

Mairead blushed the whole way home.


The next four days brought a flurry of activity to Grimmauld Place. Members of the Advance Guard were constantly in and out as they prepared to go and fetch Harry. For her part, Mairead felt that the best she could do for them was to stay out of their way, and so she made herself somewhat scarce around headquarters.

In a way, she was grateful for the respite from meetings. She was able to pick up a couple of shifts monitoring the front desk at the Combat Arts Academy and attend two extra trainings, which she had been neglecting while devoting herself to getting the listening device up and running. Coach Omer seemed happy to see her, and he even told her that her aim was improving in firearms training. Mairead supposed that this was true, in that she could now hit the large piece of paper she was supposed to be aiming at most of the time, even if the bullets she fired came nowhere near the bullseye of the target, or even anywhere inside the human torso-shaped outline for that matter. Still, her wrists were tender and sore after being tossed about by the recoil time and again.

She also had plenty of her own Order work on her hands preparing for the Minister's Ball. Though official preparations had paused while Operation Rescue Harry from His Relatives was being planned, Arthur had managed to sneak out building plans of the Ministry of Magic, as well as work schedules for most of the staff in nearly every department, and Mairead spent her time at Grimmauld Place poring over them, familiarizing herself with every nook, cranny, and detail about the Ministry she could.

The day came when the Advance Guard was set to pick up Harry. Mairead had no idea what their plans were, but she could guess that Moody had taken the lead on planning, for after their first meeting, Arthur, Bill, Charlie, Fleur, and Sturgis had been pulled in to form a Rear Guard, who would take over escorting Harry to headquarters in the event that every member of the Advance Guard was killed. Mairead tried not to consider too closely the prospect that something could happen to Rem- to anyone who would be picking Harry up that evening.

Mairead made haste for headquarters as soon as she was released from her shift at the Diagon Alley library. She distracted herself all evening brewing another batch of Blood Replenishing Potion and Essence of Dittany. Hagrid had brought her a generous hank of unicorn hair before he and Madame Maxime had left for the mountains, and she used her downtime while the potions were stewing to break out a sewing needle and thread individual unicorn hairs through a stack of bandages. She toyed with the idea of having another go at brewing a Wolfsbane Potion - the one she had been working on four days prior was no good, having been forgotten in all the turmoil - but she was then paralyzed by fear that Remus would not be around to drink it after tonight, and decided not to risk jinxing the mission.

All of this work, though, could not distract her from the knowledge that they were all supposed to be back by now. Mairead finished the stack of bandages and moved on to reading from one of the Healing textbooks her friend, Gus, had sent her. She read the same paragraph four times before giving up on it.

They definitely should have been back by now.

Mairead left her potions lab and went down to the kitchen. The few members of the Order who were not out fetching Harry had already arrived. Mairead smiled tightly at them, trying not to let her nerves show on her face as she took a seat next to Sirius. She took a breath and imagined that she was like Remus, capable of erasing all emotions from her face, projecting only serenity.

"You look like hell on a hippogriff," Sirius remarked casually.

Mairead's eyes, which she hadn't realized she had closed, snapped open.

"And you look the picture of elegant repose," she rejoined. "Aren't you worried at all?"

"Nah," said Sirius with a dismissive wave of his hand. "Remus and Mad-Eye are pros. And Harry can hold his own too, you know."

Mairead looked sideways at Sirius and it dawned on her that, far from being nervous, Sirius was excited. She supposed she shouldn't have been surprised. It was hard to talk with Sirius without him bringing conversation around to Harry. He clearly thought very highly of the boy, and, though she would never have called him out on it, she hadn't missed the two occasions on which he had accidentally referred to his godson as 'James.'

Sirius's carefree attitude towards the mission only provided temporary relief for Mairead's anxiety, especially when the members of the Rear Guard walked in without the Advance Guard. Dumbledore arrived and called the meeting to order, but asked Mrs. Weasley to wait upstairs for Harry and his guard.

Mairead did her best to concentrate on the meeting, but she missed most of what Snape reported about You-Know-Who. She pulled herself together, however, when Arthur pulled out the floorplans for the Ministry of Magic and conversation turned to the Minister's Ball, and which members of the Order would be assigned to place the bugs in Malfoy's and Macnair's offices.

"Molly and I could do it," Arthur suggested. "As we'll be there anyway."

Dumbledore shook his head. "I need you and Molly to stay above reproach at the Ministry, Arthur," he said. "We already have too few allies in the Ministry as it is. I think it would be best if you and Molly remain as visible as possible throughout the Ball."

Arthur frowned. "I understand, Headmaster," he said slowly, "but at the same time I really think that I should be the one to place the bugs."

Sirius gestured at Arthur. "It's got to be him," he said. "He helped build them; he knows how they work. He'll be able to tell whether they're functioning on installation. He'll have the best idea of where best to place them."

Charlie shrugged. "Well, doesn't Mairead know all that stuff, too?" he said.

Mairead looked up from what she was doing: systematically biting all of her fingernails down to the quick in nervousness.

Arthur raised his eyebrows. "Actually," he said, "Mairead would probably be the best suited to place them. She knows the technology even better than I do."

Dumbledore regarded Mairead. "Would you be willing to attend the Ball, Mairead?" he asked her. "I will not pretend there will not be some danger involved. If you are caught by a Ministry official you will unquestionably be sentenced to Azkaban. And if you are caught by Malfoy or Macnair the consequences will be far more dire."

"I'll do it," said Mairead at once. Though she hadn't been about to argue with Albus Dumbledore of all people, she agreed with Arthur that either he or she needed to be the one to place the listening devices. "We're only going to get one shot at this, after all."

"That's all very well, but Mairead shouldn't go by herself," said McGonagall. "At minimum she should have one other Order member go with her."

"Send Remus," said Sirius. Mairead looked over at him. His expressions weren't nearly as opaque as his friend's, and Mairead was curious to see mischief twinkling in his eyes. "He'll be pissed anyway that she's involved like this. He'll probably insist on going."

"Why?" asked Mairead.

"Trust me," was all the response she got.

"Well, you'll be able to ask him right now," said Bill, nodding in the direction of the door.

Mairead's head turned so quickly towards the door that her neck cracked. She watched, eyes wide with desperation, as Mrs. Weasley entered the room followed by Tonks, Kingsley, Emmeline, Doge... every member of the Advance Guard. Remus was the last to enter the room, having obviously stood aside to let everyone go ahead of him. He must have felt Mairead's burning gaze, because he looked up and caught eyes with her. He gave her a small smile before taking his seat at the table on Sirius's other side.

Talk of the Minister's Ball paused while Remus reported on the mission they had just completed. Mairead heaved a huge sigh of relief when she learned that the trip had gone smoothly with no incidents. Talk briefly diverted into excited conversation about how excellent a flyer Harry was.

"You should have seen him!"

"The boy's a natural."

"I'd pay good money to have seen him win the Cup for Gryffindor."

Cedric was a good flyer, too.

The thought floated to the surface of Mairead's mind with no warning, and before she knew it she was seething with resentment. If they had shown one tenth the concern for Cedric that they showed for Harry, then perhaps he would still be alive. But no. Harry was the excellent flyer. Harry was the important one. Harry was the Hogwarts Champion who got to arrive at the front of the maze clutching onto the cup and his life, whereas Cedric -

Mairead's breath was growing short. She noticed that her fingers were clenched into fists.

Who honestly gives a fuck about what kind of goddamn broomstick Harry has when a boy is dead? she thought. Have they all forgotten already? Was he that unremarkable? Or does he just not hold a candle to their precious fucking Boy Who Lived?

Sirius elbowed Mairead, bringing her out of her thought spiral just as she was about to start shouting at the table to show some respect.

"I bought him that broomstick, you know," he murmured to her. "Sneaked onto Hogwarts grounds to watch him fly, too."

Mairead looked up at Sirius and saw all of the pride and unadulterated love Sirius held for Harry. And in his expression she saw herself. She saw how she had felt about Cedric.

All at once she felt utterly ashamed for her roiling bitterness. What right did she have to resent a boy she barely knew for living because her friend had not? Cedric would never have wanted his death to turn her into someone hateful and acrimonious. Her anger dissipated into the air and left only loss and loneliness. She found herself blinking away tears as she smiled up at Sirius.

"I saw Harry win the Quidditch Cup my last year at Hogwarts," she said a touch thickly. "He's truly astonishing."

Sirius grinned widely at her. He looked like he was ready to bounce out of his seat with excitement over seeing his godson. "He is at that, isn't he?" he agreed, eyes shining.

Mairead pulled her lips into her mouth and bit down to quell the grief lapping at her. She reached over and rubbed a hand quickly across Sirius's back. "As soon as the meeting's over you can see him," she said through the lump in her throat.

Seemingly inspired by Mairead's words, Sirius turned back to the table at large. "Oi, can we please get back on track here?" he asked, unable to hide the jubilation in his voice. "I'd like to see my godson before he graduates."

Several people laughed, and Mairead forced a smile onto her face as Dumbledore succinctly brought the members of the Advance Guard up to date on what they had missed at the start of the meeting. By the time he got back around to the Minister's Ball, Mairead had successfully forced her sadness back into the Cedric Corner of her mind.

"Mairead has kindly consented to attend the Ball and place the listening devices in Malfoy's and Macnair's offices," Dumbledore was concluding, "and just before you arrived we were discussing whom we could send to accompany her."

"Mairead?"

Mairead heard the disbelief in Remus's voice as everyone turned to look at him.

"Headmaster, you can't be serious," he said.

Beside her, Mairead heard Sirius click his tongue. "I told you he wouldn't like it," he said softly.

"Indeed, I am, Remus," Dumbledore said mildly. "I believe that Mairead is in agreement that she is the person best suited for the task."

Mairead nodded.

Remus leaned around Sirius to look at Mairead. He did not look at all happy with her. "I'm surprised at you, Mairead," he said, disappointment lacing his voice. "I would have thought you'd have more sense than to sign on for something like this."

Mairead blinked at him in surprise, unable to think of anything to say. Professor Lupin had never been disappointed in her before, and she quailed under his judgment. She turned to look helplessly at Professor Dumbledore.

"Should I not...?" she asked timidly.

"I have no doubts in my mind as to your ability to carry out this mission successfully, Mairead," said the older wizard. "I would not have allowed you to volunteer if I had. But this, like all other missions for the Order, is voluntary." Here, he stopped, and his eyes flickered for a fraction of a second over to Lupin. "And no one but you can decide if you wish to accept this assignment."

Mairead nervously picked at the jagged edges of her fingernails indecisively. The two men whose opinions she valued most were on opposite sides of this issue, and she didn't know how to proceed.

Before she had a chance to make up her mind though, Lupin spoke up again.

"I'm astounded that you think this is a good idea, headmaster. You have a table full of people who could plant that bug," he said, gesturing around at the other members of the Order. "And out of all the people you could have chosen, who easily could have done this, you had to pick the -"

He stopped just short of finishing his sentence, but the word hung in the air, unspoken but condemning nevertheless.

Squib.

Mairead sat in her chair, stunned. She would have expected this from just about anyone at the table. But not from him. She couldn't bring herself to look up from the tabletop. She was positive that everyone must be staring at her, probably nodding their heads in agreement.

"We have to have someone place the bugs who knows what they're doing," she heard Sirius say reasonably. "Mairead knows them better than anyone. She built the listening devices. She designed them herself. She's the best person to know what to do with them."

Mairead didn't know whether to be grateful to Sirius for moving the conversation along or resentful that he was skating right past what Lupin had just said and acting like nothing had happened.

"Look," Bill said, "this is going to be as safe a mission as they come. There are going to be six other members of the Order in attendance at the Ball. They can all help keep an eye out and can all help control the situation if it goes really wrong."

"Five," growled Moody. "My invitation seems to have gotten lost in the mail just like Dumbledore's."

"That's not surprising," remarked Professor McGonagall. "You taught at Hogwarts last year, so Fudge views you as one of the enemy."

"It's still six if you count the other person who'll be going with Mairead," reasoned Bill.

A tense silence fell, and Mairead realized that the Order were waiting for her to announce her decision. She looked up at Dumbledore, and saw that he was watching her. He gave her the slightest nod of the head to show her that she still had his confidence. She took a breath and straightened in her chair.

"I'm going," she said quietly but firmly.

"Then I'm going with her," she heard Lupin say. She could see him looking at her out of the corner of her eye, but she stared resolutely ahead at Dumbledore, ignoring Lupin.

"I really should've taken bets on that," Sirius mused quietly.

"Then we have our team arranged," Dumbledore said calmly. "Let us now make a plan. I will arrange for a sizable donation to be made to the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. That will secure you an invitation, Remus. Mairead will go as your plus one."

Arthur jabbed a finger at the building plans on the table. "The Ball is always held on Level Eight in the Atrium. Macnair's office is on Level Four, and Malfoy's is on Level One."

"What does Malfoy actually do at the Ministry?" asked Charlie curiously.

"Donates mountains of Galleons," Arthur replied a touch sourly. "Enough to buy himself a nice little corner office near the office for the Minister of Magic."

"You'll probably want to place the bug in Macnair's office first," suggested Moody, hunching forward to look at the blueprints. "Make your way up and then come back down."

"Where exactly is Macnair's office on here, Arthur?" asked Sirius, also leaning forward. It was all starting to become cumbersome as everyone jostled to try to look at the map.

"Here." Mairead saw Lupin lean forward and tap the plan with his wand and recite the modification of the Doubling Charm that Mairead had invented and taught to him. As she watched, he turned the entire tabletop into an enlarged version of the Ministry's blueprints.

Several people exclaimed at the charmswork, and Mairead saw peripherally that Lupin was trying to catch her eye, and she quite suddenly felt fury and indignation explode inside of her. Did he seriously think this was going to be a bonding moment for them, after what he had said? There was simply no way. With an air of indifference, she busied herself studying the bit of the map that was right in front of her, which turned out to be a toilet.

There was a collective scraping of chairs as everyone stood up to get a full view of the layout. Mairead stood there, silently seething as a plan was worked out down to the last detail. Nearly every time she glanced up she could see Lupin watching her, and she resolutely refused to look at him.

"All right," Moody summarized, "Arthur, Molly, Tonks, Kingsley, and Elphias will all be present for the Ball as well. The two of you -" here he pointed at Lupin and Mairead, who kept her eyes locked steadily on Moody, "will arrive at ten past eight as a wealthy donor and his date. You'll mingle, you'll dance, et cetera, and then you'll slip off when the Minister gives his welcome speech, which he always does at half past eight. The security guard is never on duty during the Ball, in what is quite probably the grossest example of lax security that the Ministry experiences all year and which I repeatedly during my tenure tried to get Fudge to -"

"Mad-Eye, please," said Tonks. "We get it."

"We'll take the lift up to the Fourth Floor," prompted Lupin, redirecting the conversation.

"Yeah," said Moody. "You'll stay for the first three minutes of the Minister's speech and then slip away from the crowd. You should arrive on Level Four at eight thirty-five. Remus, you'll keep watch out while Mairead places the bug. If you see anything fishy at all, you'll inform Mairead and the both of you will Disapparate to a location I'll disclose just to the two of you at another date and time. Meanwhile, the rest of the Order in attendance will keep an eye out for Macnair and Malfoy. If anyone spots either of them leaving the Atrium, they'll slip off and send a Patronus to Remus, who'll again inform Mairead and you'll still Disapparate out of there. Once you've arrived at Level Four, you will have five minutes to place the bug. Got it?"

Mairead nodded, staring thoughtfully at the map.

"Right," Moody continued. "At eight forty you'll head up to Level One, arriving at eight forty-three. Elphias? You're more familiar with Level One."

Doge cleared his throat before speaking. "You will take the lift up to Level One, and it will let you off here." Doge indicated a spot on the building plan. "From there, you will travel along this hallway to Malfoy's office."

Mairead followed the trail his finger traced with her eyes. "Hold on," she said softly. "We can't go that way."

Doge looked most displeased. "Young lady, may I ask you: how many times have you been to the Offices of the Minister of Magic?"

Mairead fought not to roll her eyes. "None," she admitted.

"Very well, then, perhaps you should devote yourself to listening to me," said Doge, turning back to the blueprints. "As I say: you will follow this hallway. Malfoy's office is located at the very end, on this corner unit here."

"We should go around the other way," Mairead said insistently. "The level circles around. We can get to Malfoy's office going the other way."

Doge pulled off his reading glasses and regarded Mairead with a look of utmost annoyance. "And yet you shall go around the way that I have indicated," he said shortly.

"The way you've indicated will lead us straight past a staff breakroom." Mairead's heart was thumping heavily, but her anger at being continuously treated like a pathetic, idiotic charity case whose presence must be begrudgingly tolerated by the legitimate members of the Order lent her courage. "We'll be caught."

Doge's mouth had become very thin. "Young lady, I am not accustomed to being challenged," he snapped.

"Well, I'm not accustomed to being arrested!" she shot back hotly.

A shocked silence fell.

"You should try it sometime," Sirius's sarcastic tone broke the silence. "It's really not so bad."

Mairead turned to him and raised her eyebrows imperiously. "Oh, really?" she asked coolly. "Yeah, I've heard the cavity search is..." here she paused and gave a fake little shiver. "Exhilarating."

Sirius met her gaze evenly. "Well, it's like everything in life: you get out what you put in," he drawled matter-of-factly.

He had finally succeeded at shocking her. Mairead let out a startled laugh and clamped a hand over her mouth, eyes wide as his double meaning registered with her. Sirius just grinned at her in arrogant satisfaction.

Doge cleared his throat irritably. Remembering herself, Mairead pointed her finger to one of the rooms they would have to walk past on the route Doge was suggesting.

"That right there is a staff breakroom that the Department of Magical Law Enforcement uses," she said. "Their own breakroom has been out of use for the past four months, according to Tonks."

"It's true," Tonks said. "Bloody maintenance won't come up and do anything about it."

"This sounds like it would be a dreadful inconvenience if you were visiting during regular business hours," said Doge with the condescending air of someone explaining something to someone very slow. "But this will be at eight forty-three in the evening on a Saturday."

Mairead nodded. "Yes, and according to the schedules that Arthur provided, the Ministry regularly asks three Aurors to stay behind and work the evening of the Ball. They're to stay on call in their offices, but they're permitted dinner breaks starting at eight thirty. We're going to waltz right past an Auror munching on a tray of cold lasagna if we go that way."

"She's right," growled Moody. "I've been on duty for the Ball a few times, myself. Good catch, O'Keefe."

"Look at that," said Sirius, shaking his head and smiling in a satisfied way. "First mission and already showing us a thing or two. Calm down, Moony, she'll do fine."

He clapped a hand on Lupin's shoulder, and Lupin looked over at her. Far from appreciating the solidarity, Mairead found herself resenting Sirius's transparent attempts at mending fences on Lupin's behalf. She looked away, careful to keep a neutral face.

"Very well," Doge said, looking miffed. "Go around the other way if that pleases you. But it'll take you an extra two minutes, which will leave you with only three minutes to place the listening device."

Mairead nodded. "That's fine," she said quietly.

She felt Bill nudge her encouragingly and could see Tonks making an impressed face and giving her the thumbs up, but she only felt worse and worse the longer the meeting dragged on. She didn't belong here. She was completely out of place. She hadn't done anything of merit and would only prove herself to be a burden to the Order. For the first time since she was a student at Hogwarts, Mairead fantasized about abandoning her entire life, running as far away as she could, and living out the balance of her life in a cave buried deep in the woods with only woodland creatures for company, never to see or speak to another human being again for as long as she lived.

She forced herself to listen to Moody's exit strategy for herself and Lupin. They were to be out of the Ministry by eight fifty-five. They would walk to a nearby alley and Apparate to a cinema in another part of the city, where a change of clothes would be left for both of them in a bathroom stall. They would change, and then buy tickets for the nine o'clock showing of whatever was playing in Theatre C. They would stay for the entire film, and only once they were absolutely certain they had not been followed were they to make their way back to headquarters.

It was incredible to Mairead how quickly her feelings could change. If someone had told her when she had woken up that morning that she would be assigned to attend a Ball as Remus's date, touch him, dance with him, and sit by his side alone in a darkened cinema and watch a film together, she would have felt like dying of happiness. Now, just the thought of having to look at him, of having him look at her ever again, was unbearable.

Moody concluded by asking for another meeting the next day to continue discussing the plans for the Ball. With that, the Order meeting was adjourned.

Mairead was overcome with the urgent need to leave as soon as she could. She didn't think she could stand it if Molly Weasley invited her to dinner, or if Tonks wanted to say something funny to her, or if Sirius made a flirtatious comment. And she certainly couldn't even begin to grapple with the thought of Lupin wanting to speak with her.

Normally, she would have asked someone to accompany her to the door to do up the magical locks and bolts after her, but she knew that Snape and others would be leaving shortly, and so she felt no qualms about surreptitiously hurrying for the door and slipping out of the room before anyone noticed, stumbling and nearly tripping over one of several dungbombs that were mysteriously littered about the floor outside the door.

As she reached the top of the stairs she could hear Mrs. Weasley behind her, saying something about going and getting Harry and the others, and she sped up to avoid the Weasley matriarch. She ran on tiptoe for the front door, unlocked it hastily, pulled it closed behind her, and Disapparated from the front step.

She walked in the front door of the beautiful seaside house that was not hers, just like hardly anything was hers.

She could hear the gentle tapping of claws on wood floors and soon she was being enthusiastically greeted by Sherlock the Golden Retriever.

Mairead knelt down on the floor, buried her face in the furry scruff of Sherlock's neck, and broke down into tears.


Remus successfully made it through the remainder of the Order meeting, dinner, and the conversation that followed without gouging his own eyes out with his fingers, tempting as the idea was. His self-hatred had reached impressive new heights that evening. Every time his mind flashed back to the look of stunned hurt on Mairead's face he wanted to shout in anguish.

I hurt her. I hurt her. God, I never meant to hurt her.

He had watched Mairead sneak out of the kitchen during the hubbub of the meeting ending, and every muscle in his body had ached to go after her. But he had forced the impulse down and focused on other things. By the time Molly had shepherded Harry, Hermione, and her children off to bed, Remus wanted to see Mairead so badly it almost felt like a physical pain. He had to apologize, had to take away the pain he had seen in her, had to find some way of making her understand how much she meant to him. Without, of course, making her understand just how much she actually meant to him.

He declined to join Sirius, Bill, and Mundungus for a nightcap, telling them that he was going to bed. But when he reached the landing, he walked outside, turned on the spot and disappeared, rematerializing behind a rhododendron bush that was now becoming familiar to him.

He climbed out from behind the bush and started up the pavement, the only thought in his brain of seeing Mairead. As soon as she opened the door he imagined himself pulling her into his arms, holding her small, delicate form against his chest, feeling her arms wrap around him as he comforted and consoled her until he had chased all bad thoughts from her mind, until she understood how lovely and remarkable and irreplaceable she was.

He had made it halfway up the walkway to her house before his steps slowed and he came to a stop. This was the third time he had shown up at Mairead's place of residence unannounced and uninvited. And while she had welcomed him with open arms both previous times, realization now crashed into him that she might not be feeling quite so hospitable right now.

Remus paused uncertainly. What exactly did he think she would do if he rang? Invite him in for a cup of tea and some biscuits? She hadn't even been able to bring herself to look at him for the rest of the meeting after he had spoken out against her going on the mission. Did he honestly believe she would permit him to hug her and ease her pain when he was the one who had caused the pain in the first place?

Perhaps it had been a mistake to come here. Remus felt the need to apologize so strongly it was palpable. But the longer he stood there, the stronger a grip his fear of her recriminations took on him. He still hadn't made up his mind what to do when his ears pricked up at the sound of footsteps and a jingling sound, almost like keys, coming from behind him. He turned and saw Mairead herself turning off the pavement and coming up the walkway. The jingling sound came from the collar of the dog that was leashed at her side. She stopped in her tracks at the sight of him.

Remus could immediately see by the light of the lamppost that she had been crying. Her eyes were bloodshot and the surrounding skin was puffy. There were small red splotches dotting her upper cheekbones and ringing her eyes, a heartrending simulacrum of the freckles that he liked so well.

His mouth went slack at the sight of her. All the words Remus had been ready to say, all that he had planned to do abandoned him at the sight of the very real evidence of the harm he had caused. He watched alarm, anxiety, pain, embarrassment, and anger flicker across her face in less than one second before her features settled on cold professionalism.

"What can I do for you, Professor Lupin?" she asked, her voice carefully stripped of all expression.

Her return to formalities didn't escape him. She had gotten better about calling him by his given name recently, though she still slipped from time to time. This wasn't a slip, though. This was a deliberate step back.

"May," he murmured in a quiet, supplicating tone.

Fury flashed through her eyes like a whip cracking. Clearly, he was no longer welcome to call her by the endearment.

"Mairead," he tried again.

Her mouth tightened. "What can I do for you, sir?" she said again, glancing impatiently at the door behind him.

"Mairead, please -"

"It's late. Did you need something?"

Remus's shoulders slumped. "I'd like to talk," he said quietly.

Mairead's eyes flashed again and she opened her mouth to retort, but then seemed to think better of whatever she had been about to say. "It's late," she eventually repeated.

"Just for a few minutes," he said.

Mairead twitched the dog's leash and stepped off the walkway to walk around him towards the front door. "You're not going to talk me out of going on the mission," she said over her shoulder. "So you can stop right now."

"I didn't come here to talk you out of going on the mission," Remus said, turning around to look at her.

She whirled around to face him again. "Then why did you come here?" she snapped.

It was the second time she had asked him that question, and the second time that Remus only had one answer to offer her.

"I just wanted to see you."

Mairead's chin trembled and she glanced away from him. For a few seconds Remus thought she was going to start crying again. When she looked back at him, though, the vulnerability that had been visible moments earlier was gone, leaving only hardness.

"Well, you've seen me," she said coldly.

Fear clutched at Remus's heart. She had never been like this with him before. Even in the bleakest moments in their history together, Mairead had never been this calloused. He took a step towards her.

"Please, Mairead," he said with quiet urgency. "Please let me explain - I didn't mean to hurt you. I - I didn't mean it the way it came out."

Mairead regarded him impassively. "No, I think you meant it exactly the way it came out," she said. "I think it's just that you didn't mean for it to come out."

Remus shook his head. "No -"

"You want to know what the worst part of it was?" she cut him off. "It wasn't actually what you said - or stopped just short of saying, rather - and it wasn't the realization that you see me exactly the same way everyone else does: not as a living, breathing, whole person but just as a disability with a face and arms and legs; as someone whose life, thoughts, memories, ideas, skills, knowledge - whose entire existence is reduced to the one small thing about me that's broken; someone who is therefore completely useless - not simply because I'm not perfect because obviously nobody's perfect - but because I'm imperfect in a way that makes people uncomfortable. It wasn't any of that... The worst part was the fact that... after you said what you did, I thought... 'if he thinks I'm worthless, maybe it's actually true.'"

Remus hadn't thought it was possible for him to feel any worse than he already did.

"It's not true," he whispered. "Mairead - it's not true." He took another step towards her, stretching out a hand pleadingly. "Please, just let me -"

"It's fine," she said briskly, cutting him off again. "I was naïve. I was the stupid one for thinking that I knew you. I don't know why I thought I did. You were my teacher; you weren't my friend. You were being paid to be around me, to treat me a certain way. It was your job. You were excellent at it. I was a fool for thinking the version of yourself that you projected in exchange for money was accurate. I really don't know you at all. And that's fine. I don't have to."

Remus stood speechless. He was overwhelmed by the damage he had caused. He wanted to tell her that she had it all wrong, that she had seen a side of him that he had only ever permitted a handful of people to see, but what proof did he have? What did he have to offer her that could counteract the one, careless thing he had said in a moment of desperately trying to protect her? As he stood there in stunned silence, he saw a flash of light on her face as a tear caught the light of the lamppost as it slipped down her nose.

"It's funny," she said softly, her voice quaking. "Turns out I was right about you all along: you are just like all the others, just better at hiding it."

"Mairead..."

"...Goodnight, Professor Lupin."

Mairead turned, let herself into the house, and closed the door behind her.


Sirius couldn't sleep. The excitement of the evening - Harry's rescue from his horrid aunt and uncle, the upcoming mission at the Ministry of Magic, the possibility that soon the Order would be inundated with information about what Voldemort and his followers were planning, the thrill of seeing Harry again - combined with the restlessness and impotent frustration that had been building steadily ever since Dumbledore had confined him to headquarters, and resulted in Sirius tossing and turning, unable to get comfortable and slip off. It was too warm. He was uncomfortable. He was thirsty. He had never liked this bed.

Sitting up, Sirius decided that the one grievance he could do something about was his thirst. He crept downstairs to the kitchen for a glass of water, shooting a murderous glare at the curtains covering his mother's portrait as he went.

He was surprised to see light coming from underneath the kitchen door as he descended the staircase. When he pushed open the door, he saw Remus, sitting at the table, staring morosely into a glass of amber liquid. He looked up when Sirius walked in.

"I thought you went to bed ages ago," said Sirius, taking a seat at the table.

Remus shook his head. "I hope you don't mind," he said, gesturing with the glass at the bottle of Firewhisky that was sitting beside the candelabra casting shadows on his face. "I helped myself."

"Of course not," Sirius said. "Mi liquor es su liquor."

He reached for the bottle himself, taking a swig directly from the neck, then looked at Remus, who had returned to staring at the glass, which he was slowly twirling on the tabletop.

"So where were you?" Sirius asked, already sure he knew the answer.

Remus blinked, his eyelids ever-so-slightly out of sync with one another. How much whiskey had he already drunk?

"I went to see Mairead," he said.

"And?"

Remus's mouth twitched downwards. "She turned me away," he said, voice heavy with pain. He looked up at Sirius, grey eyes burning. "She's never turned me away before, Padfoot. Even when she's been furious with me, she's always heard me out." He raised the glass to his lips but couldn't seem to bring himself to take a drink.

Sirius spread his hands in a shrugging gesture. "Well," he began slowly, "to be honest, you kind of deserved that, Rem."

Remus slapped the glass back down onto the table and hid his face in his hands.

"I'm sorry," Sirius continued. "But you seriously threw her under the manticore at the meeting tonight."

Remus was silent for a long while. When he finally spoke, his voice was rough. "I just wanted to protect her. I was just trying to protect her. I didn't mean for it to come out like that. I was just..."

Sirius's mouth thinned. Irritation over how Remus had behaved was at war with sympathy for him. He clearly felt intense remorse for what he had done.

"Did you tell her that?" asked Sirius. "Did you apologize to her?"

"I didn't get the chance," Remus said.

"What happened when you went over there?"

Remus shifted in his seat and went back to fiddling with the glass of firewhisky. "I saw her and it was clear she'd been crying. That I'd made her cry." His voice became hoarse and he paused to clear his throat before continuing. Sirius listened as Remus recounted what Mairead had said, how hurt she had been.

When he had finished, Sirius took another swig of firewhisky. "Well, I hate to say this, Moony, but she's got a point."

Remus's head shot up and he looked at Sirius in alarm. Sirius held up both hands.

"I just mean, well, you've been kind of aloof with her lately."

"I haven't been aloof!" Remus protested.

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "You're there, then you're not there. At one meal you're sitting next to her flirting and touching her every chance you get and the next you won't even look at her. One day you're lending her your clothes and the next day you run when she comes into the room. Sometimes you're hanging on her every word - actually, you're always hanging on her every word; it's just that sometimes you're hanging on her every word while you're engaged in a completely bloody different conversation and trying to pretend you don't even know she's in the room." Sirius paused, waiting for Remus to refute his claims.

Remus was silent.

"She - she said she feels like she doesn't know me at all," Remus murmured.

"Do you want her to know you?"

Remus put his chin in his hand and stared into the guttering candle flame. Finally, after such a long silence Sirius had begun to wonder if Remus had forgotten the question, he nodded.

"Well, then I think you need to start by asking yourself why you did what you did," said Sirius.

Remus was silent for a while, then he began speaking slowly. "I just... I keep coming back to this conversation I had with Dumbledore when I was teaching." He swirled his finger around the rim of the glass thoughtfully. "He told me about how Mairead had testified before the Wizengamot when she was nine. She gave testimony against her father, but also against Malfoy, Macnair, the Lestranges... I remember... Dumbledore said, 'What do you think would happen to a witch like Mairead if Voldemort should ever return to power?'" Remus looked up at Sirius, his eyes haunted. "If she gets caught - in Malfoy's office... I just keep thinking of what will happen to her..."

Sirius took another swig from the bottle. Wincing through the burn of the whiskey, he said, "Probably the same thing that'll happen to you if you're caught. Or me if I'm caught. Or Mad-Eye - anyone in the Order will meet the same fate, Moony."

Remus shook his head. "We were all in the Order before, though," he argued. "We know the dangers."

Sirius shrugged. "Okay, well what if Tonks had volunteered to go?"

"Tonks is an Auror."

Sirius sighed. "Bill, then. He's a bloody banker. Would you have challenged Bill? Or what about Fleur? Or Hestia? They're all new to the Order. Fleur's even younger than Mairead."

"They all know how to defend themselves," Remus said stubbornly.

"Okay, fine," said Sirius, picking up the bottle of Firewhisky and gesturing with it. "Figgy. She's a fullblown Squib and I never once heard you object to her being in the Order. Not even when she nearly got her soul sucked out her face by dementors a few days ago."

Remus was silent.

Got him, thought Sirius triumphantly.

"What's the difference?" Sirius asked insistently. "What sets Mairead apart from everybody else?"

Remus's eyes were darting around the room. "I - I don't know," he said desperately.

"I think you do," Sirius pressed. "Why her and not anybody else in the Order?"

Remus looked around the room, searching for help. Finally, he said, "Because she was my student. I was responsible for her safety, and now I have to watch her deliberately put herself in harm's way and find a way to reconcile myself to that."

There was a long, heavy silence. Sirius stared at Remus, sitting there looking so confident in his answer.

"You don't honestly believe that's the reason, do you?" Sirius asked.

Remus nodded. "Yes, I'm sure of it," he said. "That's the only thing about her that's different."

Sirius sighed and got to his feet. Striding over to the sink, he filled himself the glass of water he had come down here for, then turned back to Remus. "The thing that's different about Mairead is that she's the only member of the Order you're falling for," he said. "And until you can admit that, you're just going to keep on hurting her."

With that, he turned and walked out, leaving his best friend sitting in the gloomy basement kitchen, all by himself.


Author's Note: You didn't honestly think that I'd let it be that easy, did you? We've still got a ways to go before Remus gets his head on straight. Do you think Remus will find a way to make it up to her? I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Song for Chapter 9: "King of Anything," by Sara Bareilles (Mairead)