Chapter 33
For that long moment, Tim just hugged his friends, wishing that everything could be normal again. He almost wanted to cry, but he didn't.
Finally, he pulled back.
"I'd hoped that you would be able to trace me here, but I didn't know if you could do it," he said.
"We've got connections," Tony said, although he looked really concerned. "How are you?"
Tim smiled weakly. "I'm...okay."
"Zahara? The kids?" Ziva asked.
"They're sleeping in the tent," Tim said. "I was just enjoying the sunrise."
"We did, too," Tony said. "But it's even better that we made it before the sun got very high and broiled us."
Then, Tim really noticed the other two men with them. He glanced at them and then at Tony and Ziva.
"This is Agent Hammami and Agent Drake," Ziva said.
"It's their plane," Tony said with a smile.
Tim smiled back but then he looked at them.
"How many?" he asked.
"Tim," Tony began.
Tim walked over to Agent Hammami.
"How many died?"
Hammami raised an eyebrow.
"Four."
Tim sighed and dropped his gaze to the ground. He walked back to Tony and Ziva.
"Zahara might be awake now," he said.
"Tim," Ziva said, catching his arm.
Tim just shook his head.
"In here," he said, leading the way.
Tim walked to the tent and went inside. Zahara was awake. She smiled when she saw him but her expression changed to one of disbelief when she saw Tony and Ziva come in behind him.
"Tony... Ziva... you're here!" she said in surprise. "How did you–? Never mind. I am so glad to see you both!"
She hurried over and hugged Ziva tightly and then grabbed Tony's hand.
"We're here to take you back to the States," Tony said. "I'm guessing you need a ride?"
"Yes," Zahara said, smiling with obvious relief.
"Then, as soon as you're ready, we can go."
"What about my brother? Did you see Ahmed?" Zahara asked. "Is he all right?"
And suddenly, the feeling in the room changed. Tim's almost-hopeful feeling vanished as he looked at Tony and Ziva and realized what they were going to say.
Zahara did as well. She took a step back and looked at them both.
"Ma hāthā?" she asked, softly.
"I'm sorry," Ziva said, her voice gentle. "Ahmed was taken. We believe that he is alive, but..."
Zahara looked at Tim and he saw her horror and just for a tiny fraction of a second, blame. He knew why. Ahmed was her only family member left. Her mother and father were dead. She had given up her life in Morocco to be with him and now her husband's life had possibly destroyed her last family connection.
All those thoughts ran through his mind in the split second that he was staring at Zahara. Any other words being spoken didn't exist. Any other person in the room didn't exist. All that Tim could see was his life destroying someone else's life. His life causing his wife pain. His life killing her brother.
Before he knew it, Tim was running out of the tent, aware of what he was doing but feeling helpless to control what he was doing. He ran out of the tent and through the camp to the eastern edge. He ran until he reached a large dune and then he collapsed to his knees and shoved his hands into the sand, curling them into fists as the fire in his mind threatened to completely overwhelm him.
He didn't know how long he was like that, but then, there were hands on his arms. There was a murmur of a voice, but he couldn't understand the words.
And then...
Thwack!
The head slap jarred him out of that altered state and he was staring up at Tony. He didn't feel any better, but at least the world around him existed again.
"Tim, Ahmed's not dead. It's bad. I know it is, but they're looking for him. There's still hope," Tony said. "You need to snap out of this."
"It's me, Tony. It's all on me. I thought I could live in this world and I can't! I can't and it's selfish of me to try! I can't let my wife lose her family because of me! I'm going to..."
"No! No, you're not," Tony said.
Tim pulled away and started to walk, but Tony grabbed him and forced him to turn around. He shook Tim firmly.
"No, Tim. You are not going to let this destroy you. You know it would. You know you couldn't handle it, no matter how big the cell would be. You can't do..."
"Yes, Tony! It doesn't matter because I can't live in this world. I can't be a normal person. I can't be happy anymore. I can't... can't..."
He was starting to get overwhelmed as a shriek was building up inside him, pressing to be expressed.
"Yes, you can," Tony said.
"No! You don't know what it's like! It's not your world!"
He was breathing heavily, feeling out of control, and he shoved Tony away as hard as he could. Tony staggered backward but kept to his feet.
"There's nothing you can say to fix this, Tony! There's nothing!" Tim said, almost shouting but not quite.
Then, he turned away again and started leave, needing to escape before he had a complete and total meltdown, when suddenly he heard Tony speaking behind him.
"'The world is given to me only once, not one existing and perceived.'"
Tim stopped. Those words penetrated the horror as almost nothing else could have. He couldn't turn to face Tony again but he couldn't leave, either.
"'Subject and object are only one. The barrier between them cannot be said to have broken down as a result of recent experience in the physical sciences, for this barrier does not exist.'"
There was a complete silence.
"Remember, Tim?" Tony asked.
"Schrodinger," Tim whispered.
"It's the same world. You and I live in the same world. Your experience is different from mine, but I'm here in the world you're in, and I will fight to keep you in it because you matter, Tim. You matter to me and to Ziva and to Zahara and to your kids and to...Ducky and Gibbs and even Carew."
A different feeling began to fight to be expressed. The helpless rage had faded and was now replaced by something else, something just as powerful in its own way but not as poisonous. Tim started to tremble a little as he fought to keep it inside.
He stood there, frozen in place, and then Tony was there again, turning him around to face him. Tim looked at Tony, not able to give any words to how he was feeling. Tony put his hands on Tim's shoulders and gave him a little shake.
"We won't let you throw your life away. You don't deserve that," Tony said.
"I wish I did," Tim said.
"No, you don't."
"Yes, I do. Then, all this would make sense."
"No, it wouldn't... because you can't make sense out of what you have to deal with, but you don't have to deal with it alone. You never do."
Tim pulled away from Tony again, but this time, he walked back to the dune and sat down with a thump in the sand. Then, he closed his eyes and started to cry. He felt Tony sit down beside him and then put an arm around his shoulder. He took a deep, shuddering breath and leaned against him.
"It's okay, Tim. It really is. What happened isn't your fault, and it's going to work out. Somehow, it's going to work out. You just need to keep telling yourself that."
"And when I'm wrong?" Tim whispered.
"You're not."
For a few minutes, it was quiet. Tony just sat there and didn't say anything else and gradually, Tim began to calm down. This wasn't as intense a meltdown as he'd had in the past, but it still took time to get out of it.
After that, though, he sat up and looked at Tony.
"Since when can you quote Schrodinger?" he asked, his voice shaky.
"Since you used it to describe your life," Tony said. "I still don't get the science stuff, but... Tim, you were right back then. Schrodinger is right, even if he was talking about physics and not people. You and I are in the same world, and maybe I can't understand everything you're going through, but that doesn't mean I can't help you."
"I can't let Zahara lose her brother, Tony. I can't do that. I won't trade his life for mine."
"You're not. The CIA is looking for Ahmed. They're not going to leave him a prisoner."
But a thought was starting to grow in Tim's mind. He didn't say anything about it yet, but it was starting to form into something more coherent than just the guilt and anger that were so depressingly common for him.
"Tony... I need to think."
Tony looked at him skeptically.
"I promise. I'm not going to... run away or anything. I'm going to sit right here and think. Just for a few minutes."
"You promise?"
"Yeah."
Tony looked at him for a bit longer and then nodded.
"If you try to run away, I'm going to kill you."
Tim smiled weakly.
"I won't."
Tony nodded again and then got up and walked back to the camp. After a minute or two, Omar came into view. He stopped out of earshot. Clearly, he was on guard duty, but he wasn't going to interfere unless needed.
Tim closed his eyes and breathed deeply, trying to work through the panic and the fear and all those negative emotions that kept him from doing anything for himself. He had to work through this thought and get to some kind of conclusion.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
Tony walked back through the camp... not hurrying. He had known that Tim would react badly to finding out about Ahmed, but he had hoped he was wrong. Still, Tim seemed like he was working through it faster than before. Maybe it would be okay.
Maybe.
"Where's Tim?" Ziva asked as Tony returned to the tent.
"He's back there. He said he needed to think."
Ziva raised an eyebrow and grabbed Tony by the arm.
"He was not thinking when he ran away."
"No, he wasn't, but I think he might be now. He promised he wasn't going to run away and Omar is watching him."
"I haven't seen him like that in a long time."
"I haven't either," Tony said. "I need to tell Zahara."
Ziva nodded and then followed Tony inside. He wasn't sure how Zahara would react to what Tim had said, but she needed to know.
And she'd probably already know the basics anyway.
Zahara was sitting on the floor hugging her children, comforting them but also obviously distressed herself. She would have been the one to run after Tim, but the chaos had upset Salma and Jonathan and Tony had just said that he would go, determined to be there for Tim when he needed it since he hadn't been the last time this had happened.
Zahara looked up at him and obviously noticed that Tim wasn't with him. There was fear in her expression that Tony hurried to dismiss.
"He's all right now, Zahara. He just said that he needed to do some thinking. Omar is watching him."
"What did he say?" she asked.
"He said that he can't make you choose between your husband and your brother."
Tony could see in Zahara's eyes that he had expressed the very thing she was afraid of. He knew how much she treasured family and he could understand that himself, not having much of it either. This trip had been expressly so that she could visit her brother and be with him.
"This isn't your fault," he said quickly. "Zahara, this isn't your fault. The only people to blame are the scum who started this and that's not you or Tim. The CIA is already looking for Ahmed and they won't give up. They're not like that. Even I can admit it."
That made her smile a little, but she was still afraid. Thankfully, Ziva walked over and knelt down beside Zahara and hugged her. Tony knew that, even now, Zahara wasn't as comfortable interacting with men simply because it hadn't been done in her culture for much of her life. He didn't want to add to the problem. So having Ziva there was definitely helpful. For more than one reason.
"Mama, what will happen?" Salma asked.
"I don't know yet, Salma, but we will get home and we will be safe. I promise," Zahara said.
"Can't Uncle Ahmed come and stay with us, Mama?" Jonathan asked.
Zahara's eyes filled with tears at her son's innocent question.
"I hope so, Jonathan," she whispered and then hugged them close with Ziva there hugging her.
A commotion outside the tent caught Tony's attention and he hurried out to see what it was.
Tim was standing there with Hammami, Drake and Omar. Tim looked strangely determined while Hammami looked more than a little surprised and Drake looked a little irritated. Omar showed nothing.
"What's going on?" Tony asked.
Tim looked over at him and then back at the CIA agents.
"I'm not backing down on this," he said.
"Agent McGee, you know that we can't."
"I don't care. If you refuse to let me, then, I'll do it myself without you."
"What's going on?" Tony asked again.
Tim turned to Tony.
"I'm not going back," he said.
"What? Why? You have to!"
"I'm not going back until we find Ahmed. I will not leave here without him."
"Tim, that's what they're wanting," Tony said.
"Exactly," Hammami said. "Agent McGee, you have to realize that you're putting yourself in unnecessary danger because they'll be hoping that you'll do something like this."
Tim expression didn't change except for a grim smile. "I know that. You're going to use me as bait to get Ahmed back."
