Chapter 47
A hand on his back startled Tim and he jumped and then turned, expecting Tony.
It wasn't Tony.
Dr. Hicks was sitting there quietly beside him.
"Dr. Hicks..." For a moment Tim couldn't even think of anything to say. He was so surprised to see him and to realize that he had no idea just how long Dr. Hicks had been sitting there that he was tongue-tied.
"How are you doing?" Dr. Hicks asked softly.
Tim swallowed and looked down at Salma and Jonathan who were both sleeping on him. He couldn't start talking about himself with them there. Certainly, he wouldn't stay very calm and the last thing he wanted was to pass that on to his kids and make them any more worried than they already were.
"Not now," he whispered. "Please, Dr. Hicks, not now."
"That good, huh."
Tim swallowed and took a deep breath.
"Please?"
"Only until someone else can come."
"Okay."
One more deep breath and Tim looked down at his kids again. They were actually relaxed and he was glad to see it.
Too soon, the doors opened and there was a doctor coming out. Tim didn't want to disturb his slumbering children and so he stayed sitting down. The doctor walked over to where Tim was sitting and smiled. He sat down and spoke quietly.
"Mr. McGee, your wife is still sitting with her brother, but I wanted to let you know that Mr. Mokrani is going to be fine. The internal damage wasn't nearly as bad as we had thought it might be, and we were able to repair most of it right away. He'll have some pain and I think he'll need therapy, but overall, he's in a much better state than he was before."
Tim wished that made him feel better. It didn't.
"Thank you," he said.
"Would you like to go back and join her?"
Part of Tim wanted to run back there and make sure that no one could ever get to Ahmed. Part of him wanted to run away from the hospital and never be anywhere near Ahmed so that nothing more could happen to him.
He didn't do anything. He just shook his head.
"No, I don't want to disturb my kids. They've had a lot to deal with and I want to let them sleep. I'll wait here until they wake up."
The doctor nodded.
"I understand. There are no restrictions right now, so if you want to go back when they wake up, feel free."
"Thank you."
The doctor got up and left the waiting room. Tim closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to keep himself from freaking out again. He'd already done it on the plane. That should be enough. There was no reason to freak out now. None. Not a single reason.
Then, he heard someone coming close to him and he tensed.
"Tim."
He opened his eyes and looked up. Ziva was there, leaning over.
"You should go and speak to Dr. Hicks."
"I can't leave my kids," Tim said quietly. "They'll be scared if they wake up and I'm gone."
"We'll sit with them," Ziva said. "And if they wake up, we'll bring them right to you."
Tim looked over and saw Tony there as well. Dr. Hicks hadn't said anything. He was waiting. It appeared he was letting Tim make the decision.
"Come on, Tim. We can shuffle things around without waking your kids up. We've done it before," Tony said.
Then, Tim felt Dr. Hicks squeeze his shoulder. He didn't have to say a word. Tim knew what he was thinking. Finally, he nodded. Dr. Hicks stood and moved out of the way while Tony and Ziva sat down on either side to help with the transfer. Carefully, Tim shifted Jonathan onto Ziva and then, very gently, leaned Salma on Tony. Then, he looked up and stifled a sigh when Dr. Hicks put out a hand to help him up. Of all the things he didn't want to deal with, having Dr. Hicks offering to help with something physical was high on the list. And by the knowing expression on Dr. Hicks' face, Tim guessed that he knew exactly what Tim was thinking.
Tim stood up (not taking Dr. Hicks' hand) and Dr. Hicks gestured for Tim follow him. They left the waiting room and walked to an empty conference room.
"Have a seat, Tim."
Tim sat down. Dr. Hicks did as well.
Then, they both sat in silence. Tim fidgeted, but he didn't speak.
"You seem pretty calm on the outside," Dr. Hicks said after a few minutes.
Tim shrugged.
"How deep does the calm go?"
Tim shrugged again.
"Come on, Tim. You know how this works. You have to talk it out. This isn't a luxury. It's a necessity."
"I'm managing," he said.
"How well?"
"Well enough... for now," Tim said.
"Tim..."
"I already had a meltdown on the plane. Tony helped me through it."
"And was that enough?"
Tim took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
"No."
"Okay. Then, let's get you through it now."
"There's not time. I don't want to."
"There is time and you need to."
Tim took another deep breath and pushed himself away from the table. He got up and walked to the window. He could feel the churning in his gut. He didn't want to deal with this.
"Tim, I know the basics of what happened. Zahara told me. She wanted me to be here so that I could help... so I could keep you from repeating what happened last time. But seeing you now, I'm not worried about that."
"You're not? I am."
"Of course, you are, but Tim, if you were in that state, you wouldn't be worried."
"What?"
"When you had your breakdown before, you weren't thinking about what was happening to you. You were just afraid of what you'd do to the people around you. Whether you're willing to admit it or not, Tim, you're in a much better state than you were three years ago. I'm glad to see it, even if I'm sorry you're still struggling. So come and sit down and talk about it. I'm not afraid and you shouldn't be, either."
Tim didn't move away from the window.
"It was supposed to be a good thing," he whispered. "We were so careful in planning. People died, Dr. Hicks. People died protecting me and my family. If we hadn't gone..."
"Tim, you can't look at life that way."
Tim whirled around. "How else am I supposed to look at it?" he demanded, feeling extremely angry all of a sudden. The fury was almost a relief. "The reason they tried to get me is because we left the U.S. The Russians wouldn't have dared try for me here."
"All things considered, I wouldn't put it past them," Dr. Hicks said.
"No! Everything I do... everywhere I go... Nothing I do is enough! This time, Zahara's brother got tangled up in this. Before it was... Ray..." Tim felt a stab of grief, remembering Ray's sacrifice for him. "Before that...it was my team, my friends. I've done everything I can to keep this from happening! But it's not enough! The only way..."
"No, Tim," Dr. Hicks said, sternly. "Don't even let yourself go there, not even for a single second. You can't afford to."
Tim walked back to the table and collapsed onto the chair and then dropped his head to the table.
"I just want all this to stop. I don't want to have to plan a vacation around how many bodyguards I'm going to have. I don't want to think about whether or not someone will infiltrate my daughter's kindergarten class. I don't want to need to have a large dog for a pet so that, on the offchance that someone goes for me at home, she'll be an extra layer of protection. I don't want to be covered with scars. I don't want to matter to anyone." His throat got tight and there was an all-too-familiar lead weight in his stomach. "I want to be obsolete," he whispered. "I want to be obsolete."
He tried to breathe slowly, but he couldn't keep it up and his breaths got shaky. He heard Dr. Hicks get up and move around to the other side of the table. Then, he sat down and put his hand on Tim's back.
"I can't change any of that, Tim. Neither can you. You can't even choose whether or not people consider you to be obsolete. You just can't. But you can stop punishing yourself for the things you can't change."
Tim couldn't respond.
"The only battle you can fight is with yourself, and you have to decide what you want the result to be. Are you going to keep looking back on things you can't change? Are you going to keep blaming yourself for what others have done? Or are you going to look at how much good there is in your life and fight to keep it? Tim, you can have your life without turning into what you hate."
"It's so hard on everyone else."
"It is, but they've decided it's worth it. It's the same problem you've been struggling with. You can't control everything in your world. You can let go of that need and still be as safe as it's possible to be. If you do, you'll be happier and so will everyone else around you."
Tim didn't say anything.
"You have a choice here, Tim, and you have to make it. No one else can make it for you. Everything you did to stop this from happening failed. You didn't stop it with all your efforts. You can go a step further and seek these people out. You can become a killer, something you don't want to be and never have been, or you can admit that what you've been doing for the last couple of years isn't what you want for yourself either. You can set those things aside and try to get back the life you had before three years ago. You gave it up as the wrong choice, but you don't have to see it that way. You can choose to fight for that."
Which was basically what Suhayl had said to him, although not with the same words.
There was another silence. The comforting hand on his back moved to his shoulder and pulled him to sit upright. Tim resisted. He wanted to remain limp, but Dr. Hicks wasn't accepting that this time.
"Come on, Tim. Only you can make this choice. No one can do it for you. I know you're afraid, but you are stronger than you realize."
"I don't feel strong," Tim said.
"I know and that really is the only problem you have. I can see how strong you are. Your friends and family can see it."
"No, they can't," Tim said. "They know how weak I am, too."
"They may worry about you, but it's not because they think you're weak. It's because they know how hard things have been for you."
"Is there a difference?"
"Yes, and you know that," Dr. Hicks said, sternly. He pulled on Tim's shoulder again and Tim gave in and sat up. "Tim, this has been hard and I'm sure it's devastating to see what's happened to Zahara's brother but..."
"...what if he hates me now?' Tim suddenly asked. "He's always been a bit iffy about me. When Zahara decided to come here and when she decided to become a citizen, he wasn't sure about it. He doesn't like that she's an American, although he's never actually said that to me. Then, after what happened before, I think he didn't think I was good enough for her." Tim finally looked at Dr. Hicks earnestly, really wanting to know. "What if this is it? It's too much and he hates me for what happened. What if he blames me?"
"He might," Dr. Hicks said. "It's possible that, especially at the beginning, he'll put the blame on you for what happened. That kind of experience, that kind of pain... Tim, it can lead people to lash out. Didn't you do the same? Not this last time, but when you first starting meeting with me? Hadn't you been lashing out at people around you because of what you were going through?"
"Yeah," Tim said. He still felt some shame about his behavior during those months in Idaho.
"And did you mean it? ...beyond the moment when you said it?"
Tim looked away.
"Remember, Tim, that the first day I met you... you were apologizing for your behavior."
"Yeah. I remember."
"So right in that moment, I'm sure your feelings were essentially sincere, but in reality, you were more angry and afraid about your situation than anything else. Allow Ahmed time to recover before you assume the worst. You can be hurt if he does put that on you, but you don't have to internalize it. Understand?"
Tim swallowed.
"Even if he says that, it doesn't make it true. That's what you need to remember."
There was a knock on the door. Dr. Hicks squeezed Tim's shoulder and then stood up. Tim heard him open the door
There was a low voice speaking, so softly that Tim couldn't tell who it was. Dr. Hicks replied back in an equally low voice. Another soft exchange and then Dr. Hicks limped back over.
"Tim, your kids are asking for you."
Instantly, Tim started to stand, but Dr. Hicks stopped him for a moment and looked him square in the eye.
"You've already made it through, Tim. Now, you just have to keep going. You can make it and no one will blame you for taking time. You've always needed time to regroup. Give yourself time and give your family time. It will be better for everyone. All right?"
"I'll try," Tim said softly and then stood up and walked to the door.
Tony was standing there.
"Hey, I was debating about whether or not to interrupt, but..."
"No, it's fine," Tim said.
They started back to the waiting room and Tim was surprised by Tony putting his arm around Tim's shoulder.
"Tim, you know what?"
"What?"
"Everything is going to work out...and I mean everything."
Tim smiled very slightly. "How?"
"The same way it always does. You're awesome. You've got awesome friends like me and family waiting to help you out. And we'll all take time to do it and it'll be good. No, it'll be great."
"You're not going to make me feel good, Tony. Not right now."
"I'm not. I'm just telling you the facts. You sometimes forget them," Tony said.
Tim felt his smile widen just a bit and Tony gave him a supportive squeeze. Then, they went into the waiting room. Salma jumped off Ziva's lap and ran over to hug him. He knelt down to hug her as well.
"Baba, where did you go?" she asked.
"I was talking to Dr. Hicks for a few minutes," Tim said. "I'm sorry if you were scared that I was gone."
"Ziva said you go and come back!" Jonathan said. "See, Salma?"
Tim smiled at Jonathan's general acceptance. He knew it couldn't be that simple permanently but for now, if Jonathan was okay, that was all to the better. He hugged Salma tightly. "It's okay, Salma. It's even okay if you're scared. But we're all home now and we're together."
Then, he stood up and allowed Salma to keep her arms wrapped around his neck and he carried her over to Ziva and Jonathan.
"Baba, fold monster?" Jonathan asked. "Ziva can't."
"I don't know what that is," Ziva said, smiling.
Tim found that he was able to smile back.
"It's just some origami. Get me some paper and I can show you."
"Fold monsters! Fold monsters!" Jonathan chanted.
"Calm down, Jonathan," Tim said. "I'll fold monsters for you."
"Me, too, Baba?" Salma asked.
"You, too."
Tony got some paper and Tim started folding.
And somehow, even though they were sitting in a hospital waiting room, it felt almost normal.
