Chapter 49

Levi sat silently in Roy's office. Waiting. Roy had been called to an important meeting and he had asked Levi to wait. He sat for a while but then, he stood and walked to Roy's desk, pulled out the chair and sat down.

He took a deep breath and looked around the room, willing himself to feel the confidence and power he'd had before.

But it was gone. All those years were gone now. Levi hadn't truly realized how much he'd changed until this moment. Even with the parts of his personality that remained, he had changed to such a degree as to be almost unrecognizable from his previous self.

I'm nothing more than an old man now, he thought.

And to his surprise, that wasn't as horrible a prospect as it had been in the past. Would that his own parents had been able to to say that. Would that his father had been able to grow old. That had not happened for him.

As he sat there at Roy's desk, for the first time, Levi allowed himself to wonder what his father would have thought about his son's chosen occupation and what he had done with his life.

Would his father be horrified that his son had learned to kill without remorse or would he have understood the reason for it? Would he see his son as no different from his own captors or would he place him with his liberators?

Levi realized that he didn't know the answer. He didn't know if his father would have seen him as a hero or a villain. Because he had died when Levi was so young, there just wasn't enough knowledge of his father to know...and since his mother was dead as well, he couldn't ask her.

And everyone is dead. My lineage is gone.

That thought was surprisingly painful. The destruction begun in the Holocaust would succeed with the Carew family line. It was possible that Bri would have a child, but it was less likely at her age. Quinn was dead and Bri was just barely marrying.

The Carews are almost extinct.

Levi leaned back in the chair and sighed.

Then, the door opened and Roy stepped in with a look of surprise and possibly amusement on his face.

"Taking your job back, Levi?"

"No. Not at all," Levi said. "Just reminiscing."

"The good old days?"

"Only in the sense of my physical health. Nothing else could be described that way."

Levi got up and moved back to the chair in front of the desk.

"Well?" he asked.

Roy walked back to his desk and sat down.

"There's no way to get them all."

"How many are you getting?"

"All but the top, and I know what you're going to say. We need to chop off the head, but I just don't know that we can without starting a war. Not even Tim McGee is worth that, especially when it might not be necessary."

"What is being done?"

"Many of the lower-level players are being tracked down as we speak... and Director Liu is seeing what he can do to keep that going. All the players who were holding Mokrani are dead. Those that weren't killed in the initial rescue were finished off afterward, including a couple of snipers. There was a full squad deployed in Cairo and we're getting rid of them all to send a clear, but quiet, message."

"Does Agent McGee know that?"

"I haven't told him, nor do I intend to unless he specifically asks, but he didn't kill any of them if that's what you're wondering. He almost did but I've been informed that Agent DiNozzo talked him out of it."

"Good. Is any other message going to be delivered?"

"I wasn't planning on it. Like I said, I'm not willing to start a war over one man, no matter who that man is."

"A word in the right ear might be helpful. It would make sure your message was actually received."

Roy's eyebrow went up and Levi knew that there was some annoyance at Levi trying to tell Roy how to do his job when he was quite good at it. In a way, it was good to see that because it meant that Roy didn't need Levi's approval any longer, but still, this was something that required a little risk-taking, something that Roy didn't really like to do except when necessary. So Levi wasn't above pushing a little.

"Tim being pursued by official or even semi-official groups is a new step and it's not in the direction any of us want," Levi said. "Surely, you can do it discreetly."

"I can't, but I might know someone who can. I'll think about it. For now, he's safe."

"What about his brother-in-law?"

"That depends. If he wants to return to Egypt when he recovers, we can't protect him there. If he stays here...it's doable."

"Not preferable."

"No. It's just one more person to worry about. We'll be keeping the protection for as long as necessary, but the more people involved, the more complicated it'll be. I'm not going to tell Agent McGee to stop having kids, but I can see this becoming extremely unwieldy as his kids grow up. Maybe we'll luck out and people will stop thinking he's important by then."

"Maybe," Levi said, although he felt dubious.

Roy shook his head. "Who could have imagined how that one moment would change things? Besides you."

Levi smiled humorlessly. "I couldn't have imagined it, either. If I could... well, back then, I probably would have arranged for him to be taken out of the way."

"Killed?"

"Don't know, really. It's possible, although I didn't tend to kill innocent people even in my heyday."

"No, you didn't," Roy agreed. "Guilty or complicit people, absolutely, but not those who had done nothing wrong."

There was a moment of silence.

"Do you want to know what the results are...when we have them?"

"Yes. I won't even hound you for them. I'll let you tell me."

Roy raised an eyebrow. He saw that as a test and it was. Levi couldn't carry out the test physically anymore, but it was still there. The testing never ended as long as there was a superior around.

"That's very magnanimous of you."

Levi smiled and then left the office. He was certain that he'd left an impression, not that Roy was fooled by his physical weakness. Still, he hoped that the message had been delivered. As he walked out of the CIA headquarters, Levi found himself in a contemplative mood. He didn't know what Roy was thinking about but he was thinking about whether or not he might have had Tim killed because it would have been easier. He tried to think about it logically rather than give himself any benefit of the doubt. There was no question that he had both killed people and had them killed many times over the years, but since he had known from very early on that Tim was not a threat and not willingly participating in anything, he honestly couldn't say that he would have defaulted to killing Tim at the beginning even if he had known how complicated this would get.

That was something anyway. For now, it was time to go back home, satisfied that what was being done was what could be done.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Tony and Ziva walked into the apartment together. Ziva knew that she had to tell Tony about her pregnancy but at the same time, she knew it was going to lead to an argument because she had chosen not to tell Tony before. She could lie and say she had discovered it while he was in Egypt, but she found herself strangely reluctant to do that even if it would save them the cost of an argument. She had lived a life with too many lies in it already. It was important that Tony could trust her, even if she had concealed something from him. She hadn't lied about it.

"I'm so glad to be home again," Tony said, dropping his bag on the floor and stretching. "I only hope that Tim can feel the same way."

"Eventually. I hope," Ziva said.

"Yeah." Tony sat down on the couch with a thump and then leaned back and closed his eyes. "It seems weird to just be back home. I know things aren't great, but they're not nearly as crappy as I thought they'd be. I'm not sure what to do about that."

Ziva sat down beside him and touched his arm.

"I do have something to tell you," she said. "But I'm not sure how you'll feel about it. It may make things worse...or it may make things better."

"What?" Tony opened his eyes and looked at her with some concern. "How could those two outcomes be possible at the same time?"

"It depends on how you react."

Tony sighed and sat up. "Well, tell me."

Now that the moment was here, Ziva found she was actually afraid of doing it...of making it real by telling her husband. It was one thing to say it to Zahara when she had needed the distraction. It was another to tell Tony he was going to be a father.

She hesitated too long and Tony's brow furrowed.

"What, Ziva?"

Ziva took a breath and then let it out.

"I'm pregnant, Tony."

For the longest five seconds ever, Tony just blinked at her. It was like the word had no meaning for him. She shook him a little.

"Tony?"

"Wait... what?" Tony asked. "You... You're... I won't embarrass myself by asking how this happened, but...are you sure?"

"Very sure. I have taken more than one test."

"What even made you think of testing for that with all this going on?"

Here was the part that she wasn't looking forward to. At this point, Tony was just shocked. She was certain he was going to be angry.

"It wasn't going on when I decided to take a pregnancy test."

There was a long pause and then, Tony actually laughed a little, but it was incredulous, not amused.

"What?"

"I found out just before Gibbs told us that Tim and his family were on the run. I didn't tell you because I knew you would try to make me stay behind."

Tony stood up abruptly and stared down at her. While Ziva was always shorter than Tony, she rarely felt it because they had equally strong personalities. But now, he towered over her.

"You knew... days ago... and you didn't say anything? Not once? Not even in Egypt?"

Ziva stood up as well. She knew Tony had the right to be angry about this, and she wanted to let him be, but she couldn't just sit back and let him say whatever.

"Do you really expect me to have said that while we were searching for Tim and Zahara? That doesn't make any sense, Tony."

"What doesn't make sense is that my wife knew something that affects both of us and she said nothing!" Tony said, his voice growing louder. "What doesn't make sense is that you were thinking there was enough of a possibility to take a pregnancy test and you never told me! How many times did we talk about the fact that we'd need to trust each other if we were going to get married? How many times did we talk about the fact that we couldn't succeed at this if we weren't open with each other? And do you know what you haven't done? Trust me! Be open!"

He started to turn away, but Ziva grabbed him by the arms.

"Tony, I admit that I should have told you, but it was not about trust. It was..." She stopped, not wanting to admit it.

"What?" he demanded. "What reason is there if it isn't that you don't trust me?"

"It was about fear," Ziva said, looking down at the floor. She hated to admit to weakness, even to Tony. "I'm... afraid of this."

There was only silence in response.

"Because...what if I'm not..." She looked up at him. "Tim said it himself. Years ago. I was raised to be a killer. How can I raise a child when that is what I have always been? How can I be a mother when I've been a killer?"

Tony seemed to calm a little. "Were you thinking of an abortion?"

Ziva shook her head. "No. There is already too much death in the world for me to add more to it now. But I'm still afraid that I can't do this. I hadn't thought we would have children at all, but definitely not so soon when we're still learning to live with each other."

She chanced a smile and was relieved when Tony smiled a little as well.

"I was deciding how I felt before I told you, but then, we found out about Tim and I didn't want this to hold me back from doing whatever I could to help him and it was a chance to ignore it and help Tim instead."

There was another long pause and then, finally, Tony held out his hand. Ziva took it instantly and squeezed it tightly.

"You should have told me," Tony said, but without the anger this time.

"Yes, I should have."

"As long as that's clear."

"It is."

Then, he smiled again. "Well... now what? We've had our first fight and you're pregnant."

"We've fought before now. Many times."

"But not as a married couple. It's our first fight since we got married," Tony said. "What now?"

"I don't know. I've never been married or pregnant before."

"Neither have I," Tony said and grinned outright. "And one of those things I can't be so I'm no help."

"You are. You are a big help and I will need you, Tony. I need you now. And our child will need you."

They sat down and faced each other. Ziva could tell that Tony wasn't quite over it, but he was listening and he was calm. That was better than the alternative. Still, they were not together right now. They were still facing off.

"Okay, so be honest, Ziva. Do you want to have this baby? My parents didn't really want to be parents. My mom at least mostly embraced it before she died, but Dad never did. I don't want to put any kid through that kind of experience. It sucks to have parents who don't want to be your parents. You don't want an abortion and that's fine, but there's also adoption. A lot of people want to adopt babies. You don't have to go through with this if you don't want to. ...so do you?"

Ziva wasn't sure how to put her feeling into words so she sidestepped it for a moment.

"Do you?" she asked.

Tony raised an eyebrow. "Do I get any say?"

"Of course you do," Ziva said. "This is not just my child. It is yours, too. I want to know what you want."

"Will you feel pressured by my answer?"

"I don't know."

"Ziva, just tell me what you want. I'll let you know what I think, but you should have the first say."

Just what she didn't want Tony to say. She would have to struggle through it.

"I would not...have chosen this. If I had known, I would have been more careful. ...but now that it has happened...I can't see any other way to go. But I cannot do this without you, Tony. If you don't want to be a father, I cannot be a mother. Not alone."

Tony extended his hand again and Ziva stood, walked over to him and took his hand. He pulled her down so that they were sitting together. Finally.

"Ziva, I always wanted the whole married with kids thing until I lost it. Then, I just pretended I never had wanted it in the first place and for a while, I was right. I'm... a little older than I thought I'd be with my first kid, but... I want to be a father."

Ziva let out a sigh of relief and leaned against him.

"Good."

For a long moment, they were sitting in silence. Then, suddenly, Tony chuckled.

"What?" Ziva asked.

"I just thought of something we're going to have to do."

"What?"

She sat up and looked at Tony. He was smiling.

"We're going to have to move. A one-bedroom apartment isn't enough if we're going to have a baby. So...we're going to have to compromise. Are you ready for that?"

Ziva smiled back at him.

"I guess I will have to be." Then, her smile faded as she felt that same anxiety about whether or not she could be a mother. "I don't want to be what my father was."

"Then, you won't," Tony said. "And we'll both screw up and we'll both try and it'll be all right. ...but we still have to move."

"One step at a time."

"That's all we can do. ...and tell everyone else about it. They'll never believe it."

"Zahara already knows. She needed the distraction."

Tony smiled a little. "I'll bet it was effective."

"It was."

Tony hugged her again. "I'm with you, Ziva. I didn't just say the words when we got married. I meant them. Okay?"

"Okay." Ziva hugged him back, relieved that she wouldn't have to go through all this alone.