Chapter 52
Tony woke up very early. He hadn't slept particularly well after Ziva's revelation of her pregnancy. Ziva had said she wouldn't have chosen to have children, and while he hadn't said so, Tony was surprised that she was so determined to have the baby anyway. He rolled over and looked at her as she slept. He couldn't picture Ziva pregnant. She had always been so thin and overall, she was so small. Strong, but small.
Right now, there was no sign of her pregnancy. It was apparently really early, but Tony remembered how big Zahara had gotten when she had been pregnant with Jonathan. She wasn't as small as Ziva was and it seemed to him that when Ziva started getting bigger, there was no way for her body to carry the growing baby except by going out. That would be awkward for Ziva and she would probably get very frustrated at being restricted by her body. He smiled a little at the thought.
But then, he forced himself to really think about it. Ziva had said she wanted to keep the baby...as long as Tony was there to help her. Part of him couldn't help but think that the two of them were the worst possible candidates for raising children. Tim and Zahara were great at it. Jimmy and Bree were great at it. But neither Tony nor Ziva had grown up with the most stable of lives, and in completely different dysfunctional ways. Should they really be raising children? Wasn't that just asking for giving their child some kind of a complex?
And yet, at the same time, he had watched Tim with Jonathan and Salma. He had watched Jimmy with Victoria.
And he wanted that for himself. He wasn't sure he'd be any good at being a dad, but he wanted it. Since his own family had pretty much sucked, he wanted to make a family that was good. It was just a matter of whether or not he could handle doing that.
Could he? Could they? This couldn't and shouldn't be a situation of just one or the other of them handling it. It had to be both of them. The two of them had to be able to do this for the sake of the child they'd be raising.
Then, suddenly, Ziva opened her eyes and saw that he was awake.
"Did you change your mind?" she asked, correctly reading what was occupying his thoughts at the moment.
"No. Did you?"
"No." She sat up and faced him. "Can we really do this?"
Basically the same question he had been asking himself.
"Lots of people do it every day."
"And many don't."
"Come on, Ziva. Just admit it if you don't want to have the baby." Tony paused. "Or is this still about how scared you are of messing up?"
Ziva looked down at the bed, a sure sign of that being exactly the issue. It looked like he was going to have to be the optimistic voice for the time being. Tony scooted closer to Ziva and put his arms around her.
"Hey, I already told you that this is something I want and that I wouldn't leave you to deal with it alone. Besides that, we have friends all around us who will help. In fact, they'll want to help so much that they'll probably drive us crazy. You're not in this alone. Neither am I. We're not alone and we can do it. Okay?"
Ziva took deep breath and nodded.
"It was easier when I could think about something else," she said. "Now, it's almost all I can see."
"We'll do this. As long as we both want it and we both try our best."
Another deep breath and Ziva rubbed a hand over her abdomen. Tony hesitated for a moment and then reached over and put his hand over hers. She smiled a little and then, let out a loud exhale.
"How do you think Tim and Zahara are doing?" she asked.
"Hopefully, better than last time," Tony said, allowing the subject to change for the moment. "Tim didn't seem as bad, did he?"
"No, he didn't, although I wish he would be able to heal fully."
"I don't think that's going to happen," Tony said. "But he didn't break this time. He's shaky but he's not broken...and I'll admit it. I thought he would. Suhayl said that I've been holding him back because I refuse to believe that he's stronger than I think. I don't know, but I do know that I didn't think he'd get through it this time, but I was wrong."
"What a good thing to be wrong about," Ziva said. She patted his hand and sat up. "How much time should we give them before we check?"
"I don't know. As long as it's not like last time where Tim runs off...but I don't think he'll do that this time."
"I hope not." Then, Ziva looked down and her mind clearly went back to the previous conversation. "How long should we wait to tell people?"
"You already told Zahara."
"She will not say anything if we don't."
"True. Zahara isn't really the kind of person who blabs about things."
"Definitely not."
Tony shook his head. "I don't know. Tim told us about Salma pretty quick, but he was also embarrassed that he had. He waited quite a while to tell everyone about Jonathan. Jimmy and Bree told people sooner than Tim and Zahara did."
"It doesn't seem that there's any definite time."
"Just don't tell Abby until you want everyone to know because she won't keep it to herself and she's going to fawn all over you about this," Tony warned.
Ziva smiled. "Yes. I am actually dreading that... but she cannot be the last to know, either. She would be angry."
"That's for sure. Well, let's wait for things to calm down a bit so that no one feels weird about being happy for us while everything is up in the air."
Ziva nodded quickly, clearly relieved to have that time pushed off into a nebulous future. She squared her shoulders and got up.
"I am going running."
Tony smiled at the attempt to make things somewhat normal.
"Okay. I'll make breakfast."
"Good."
Ziva went into the bathroom and came out a few minutes later, pulling her hair back into a ponytail. Then, she left the apartment. Tony took a breath. This would be hard, but they'd figure it out. Somehow. If the news was big enough to distract Zahara, maybe it would be enough to distract Tim as well. Tony grinned as he pictured Tim's expression at the news that Ziva was pregnant. Could be entertaining.
Then, he got up so that he had breakfast ready by the time Ziva was back from her run.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
With the exception of Tim not being at work, it was surprising how normal most of the day was. Tim was staying home with his family and how long that would be the case was unknown at this point. There were too many variables to know how long it would take Tim to be ready to return to regular life. If he could.
Tony and Ziva went to work. They made an official report to Jenny about what had happened. They made an unofficial report to Abby and Jimmy about how they thought Tim was doing. They also gave an abbreviated version to everyone else who asked about it. They did not mention Ziva's pregnancy.
But then...strangely enough, they had to get to work. Muna and Lara were very concerned about how Tim was. This was their first time really being even peripherally involved in Tim's unique situation. Tony was able to calm their worries and get them focused on other things, but while Jenny took it easy on them with their return, there was still work to do. Ziva went to the other side of the dividers to join Lovitz' team and Tony sat down at his desk and wondered about how things could feel so normal so quickly.
The last time, it had taken months for things to feel even close to normal.
Of course, I didn't help with that much last time, either, Tony thought to himself.
He glanced over at Tim's empty desk. That part wasn't normal... or rather, the reason for it being empty wasn't normal. But for some reason, Tony wasn't as worried about that part as he would have expected himself to be.
Throughout the day, Tony wondered at how much things felt normal without actually being normal.
Near the end of the day, Tony just decided to make it easier on everyone.
"Okay, guys. You can head home," he said.
"Or gals," Lara said as she stood up.
Tony laughed. "True. Without Tim here, that really doesn't work, does it."
"Eh. It's used generically anyway," Lara said. "It works."
Muna stood up, too, but she walked over to Tony's desk.
"How long will Tim be gone?" she asked, earnestly.
"I don't know, Muna. There's no real pattern. He'll be back when he's ready."
"What if he never is?" she asked, voicing Tony's own worry.
"He will," Lara said. "Tim has had to take time to recover before, but he's always come back. NCIS was never the problem."
Which was more true than Lara probably knew.
"He'll come back," Tony said.
"Okay," Muna said, although she still looked concerned.
She gathered her stuff and left. Lara did as well, although she cast a significant look Tony's way. She didn't say anything else, but he knew that she was somewhat aware of the complications.
Once alone, Tony sighed a little. This was one thing he hadn't considered with a new team: people who hadn't been there the whole time and didn't know the reality of Tim's situation. Lara had been at NCIS for few years but, it was different looking in on the outside. Abby had seen that a little bit herself and it bothered her. Jimmy probably had as well, but he never said much. He took things in stride.
Ziva walked around the dividers and over to Tony's desk.
"Do you have to stay?" she asked.
"No. Not tonight. You ready to go?"
"Yes."
Tony nodded and shut everything down. Then, he gathered his things and he and Ziva left together.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
Tim was up early on Saturday, and to his surprise, his first thought was to wonder what project Gibbs had lined up for him. All the other things going on and he was wondering about carpentry.
Of course, he had a lot of other things to deal with before the evening when he'd head over to Gibbs'.
...and he tried not to worry about that. He couldn't let himself worry about leaving the house. He was but he couldn't. Too many people needed him to be back to normal again. If there was one thing that he had seen in this experience, it was how much he affected others with his problems. So he needed to be better.
He sat up as quietly as he could, but Zahara was already awake and staring at him. He could see how worried she was.
"Did you sleep all right?" Tim asked.
She shook her head.
"I'm sorry."
She shook her head again.
"No, Tim. Do not start apologizing again. I am worried about too many things but they are not because of you."
Tim lay back down beside her and then rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling.
"I wish I could get rid of all of this. I know I can't, but I really wish I could. Not just for your sake. For my own, too. When I was younger, I wanted to be important. I wanted to be noticed. Not anymore. I would rather live in complete obscurity for the rest of my life than have to deal with this. Unknown, unappreciated, unseen."
There was a long silence. Then, Zahara reached out and put her hand over the khamsa on his chest.
"You said before that we would not have met if your life had not been the way it was. You said it was worth it. Has that changed?"
Tim thought about how to answer that question. Most of the time, the answer was no, but sometimes, the answer was yes. And in reality, his family was the only reason he could tolerate it at all. And did the details really matter in this situation anyway? Ultimately, he loved Zahara and couldn't imagine being without her.
"No. I just wish I could have it both ways," he said.
"I wish you could, too."
She leaned over and kissed him gently.
"Now, you should get up and get ready. We are all going to talk to people today, and you are not allowed to apologize for it. I will be with Salma and Jonathan while you are talking to Dr. Hicks and then you will be with them while I talk to Dr. Clarence. Then, we will go and visit Ahmed."
Zahara smiled and gave him a little shove to get him moving. Tim smiled back and got up.
No, this wouldn't be fun, but he could hardly deny that they'd all gone through enough to merit some help. He just wished that his children hadn't been put in that situation.
If wishes were fishes, we'd each have a meal, Tim thought to himself and stifled a sigh.
There was no point in putting it all off. Tim got ready and then forced himself to take Marra out and jog around the neighborhood. Norris accompanied him which helped. Then, he went back home to have breakfast.
It was all the trappings of normalcy...but just not normal.
Especially when he and Zahara got the kids into the car and drove to the psychologist offices.
