Chapter 53
"Thank you for meeting with us on Saturday," Zahara said. "I know that this is not normal."
Sherry smiled. "It's not a problem. We asked a couple of the child psychologists if they would be willing given the circumstances and they were happy to help out. Obviously, in the future, they'll prefer to meet during the week, but for now, it's fine." Then, she looked at Tim. "Dr. Hicks will be ready in a few minutes, Agent McGee, but if you're ready, Mrs. McGee, I can take you to Dr. Jamison's office."
Zahara nodded. She looked at Salma and Jonathan. "Come. We are going to talk to someone while your Baba is with Dr. Hicks."
Salma got that momentary fear in her eyes that Tim always hated to see. He forced himself to smile.
"Don't worry, Salma. I'll be with you after I meet with Dr. Hicks. I promise."
Salma nodded and went with Zahara, although she looked back him more than once before leaving the room. Tim sighed and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. He hated that his own children were in a state where they needed therapy. It was one thing for him to need it. It was even one thing for Zahara to need it. They were both adults. Children were supposed to be innocent. They were supposed to be protected from the horrors of the world. He knew that not all children had that, but they were supposed to, and Tim hated that he couldn't do that for his own children, no matter how much he tried to.
Because he really tried.
Sherry came back to her desk.
"They're just fine, Agent McGee. Dr. Jamison has some great toys."
Tim smiled a little at that. "Thanks, Sherry."
Then, he went back to staring at the floor.
Finally, the door opened.
"Come on inside, Tim."
Tim nodded and stood up. He followed Dr. Hicks into his office and sat down on the first chair he came to.
"You seem better."
"Do I?"
"Yes, and you can't deny that you're in a better state than you were. What happened?"
Tim found himself strangely reluctant to talk about it, even though Dr. Hicks was right. He didn't want to say so. He didn't want to admit that he was doing better than anyone could have anticipated after the near capture of himself and his family. For the first time in a while, he stood up and walked to the window so that he didn't have to make eye contact.
There was a moment of silence.
"Tim, what's going on?"
Tim didn't say anything. He heard Dr. Hicks get up. He had been coming here long enough that he knew that Dr. Hicks preferred to stay seated most of the time and it wasn't really about his feet hurting. He preferred to get his patients into a state where they felt comfortable enough to sit down with him and to talk with them to get them to that point. He only got up when he felt the patient would be better served by being approached directly.
"Tim, you seem a lot better than I thought you would be, so what's going on? Just tell me what you're thinking."
"I don't want to say anything."
"Why not?"
"I don't know."
"Then, think it through."
"You're right. I'm better."
"Okay. Then, why don't you want to talk about it?"
"I feel like I'm just asking for something worse to come along and test me."
Dr. Hicks let out a soft chuckle.
"You know the world doesn't work that way."
"I know."
"Tim, turn around."
"I don't want to."
"I'm sure you don't, but do it anyway."
Tim took a breath and turned away from the window. Dr. Hicks raised an eyebrow.
"Tim, I've told you before that you're stronger than you give yourself credit for. You can be happy that you got through this ordeal without breaking. But you were more worried about things when I talked to you before. What's changed?"
Tim pulled the khamsa necklace out from under his shirt and rubbed it.
"I offered to give this back to Ahmed, to let him...take back being my brother since that's what led to what happened to him." Tim took a breath. "He wouldn't take it back. He hasn't thought much of me, you know. He never said anything outright, but it was obvious, and I really thought that...given the chance... he'd say he was through with me. He didn't." He rubbed his fingers over the charm. "I'm not pretending that... that it makes everything okay, but..."
"You were convinced it was your fault and he showed you that it isn't."
"It wasn't just that."
"What was it, then?"
"I know that Ahmed sees me as weak...but he still accepted me. Everyone keeps insisting that I'm strong but I don't feel like I am."
"I'm not surprised by that."
Tim smiled a little at the wry comment.
"I know how hard it's been on everyone because of the way I've been, but I don't feel like I got any worse."
Dr. Hicks smiled. "You know what, Tim? I'll accept that... for now. If you're not putting yourself down more than you usually do, then, I'll take that as progress."
"For now," Tim said.
"Yes. For now. And for now, come and sit down and let's try to get you to relax a little."
Tim nodded and finally went back to the chair.
"Close your eyes and breathe."
Tim tried to listen.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
"Mama, toys?" Jonathan asked.
Zahara looked at Dr. Jamison and he smiled.
"Go ahead," he said. "That's what they're for."
Instantly, Jonathan jumped down and ran over to the open toy chest. Salma hesitated and then went over to join him. Zahara watched as they started to play and then looked at Dr. Jamison again.
"What do you think?" she asked. "Will they be all right?"
"Yes, Mrs. McGee. They will. As you might guess, I think Jonathan will bounce back more quickly than Salma simply because he's too young to understand it all. He didn't have the same feeling of danger that Salma did."
Zahara nodded. "I don't want them to be afraid."
"They probably will be for a while," Dr. Jamison said. "This was a traumatic event for all of you. It will take time, and I think you should expect to see Salma clinging to you more often. Based on what you told me, I think that it will be the way she deals with the trauma for a while. That fall you described was very frightening for her...and for you."
Zahara took a breath and nodded. That moment when she had looked up and realized what was about to happen still haunted her. If Tim hadn't caught them...
"Yes. It was. She has wanted to be with Tim a lot."
Dr. Jamison nodded sympathetically.
"He saved you both from being hurt. Those types of events can't be glossed over and so, if you agree, I'd like to meet with your children again next week. Saturdays will work for me because, with my clientele being mostly children, I've found it easier to work around school schedules by doing sessions on Saturdays. So you can schedule that if you'd like, or if you'd prefer the week, I am available on some week days."
"Thank you. I will speak to my husband and see what he thinks will work best."
"Of course."
"Should I let her sleep with our dog in her bedroom?"
"This isn't normal?"
"No. Normally, we keep Marra downstairs, but Salma was so afraid when we got back, that I let her have Marra in her room."
Dr. Jamison sat back for a moment and then waggled his hand in the air a little. "I think long-term, it could become a problem if she gets dependent on having someone or something in the room with her in order to sleep. This will be when you have to gauge whether or not she is ready to take the step of sleeping alone again. It's normal for children her age to have times when they're afraid of sleeping alone, but in this case, it's due to a genuine traumatic event. So over the next few days, you and your husband can talk to her and see if she's ready to take that step, but don't force her. The main key is to help her get back to the point where she feels safe again. Being afraid is normal, but eventually, she'll want to be able to not be afraid of bedtime."
"Very well."
"Mama, come see!" Jonathan said happily, holding up a truck.
Zahara smiled and walked over to the toy chest. Dr. Jamison let them play for another ten minutes. Zahara was conscious of him watching and taking notes. The playing wasn't just playing, then. Well, that probably made sense. She tried to act naturally as the children played with the toys. After ten minutes, their session was over. Jonathan whined but followed Salma's lead in cleaning up the toys when instructed.
Then, they left Dr. Jamison's office and Zahara was surprised to see Tim sitting on a chair, waiting for them. He smiled a little, but not enough that Zahara could tell how he was feeling. She understood that he wasn't going to show anything to the kids.
"Baba!" Salma said and ran over to him. Tim picked her up and hugged her tightly. Jonathan ran over, too.
"Hello, Salma. Did you get to play at all?"
"Yes, and we talked to Dr. Jamison," she said.
"How was it?"
"It was fun," Jonathan said, jumping. "He had fun toys! Cars!"
Tim smiled more genuinely.
"Can't beat that. Well, we're going to wait for your mama to talk to Dr. Clarence and then we'll go home. So let's get comfy on the chairs."
"You are all right?" Zahara asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine. We'll be right here," Tim said.
Zahara met Tim's eyes and silently asked him if he was really okay. Tim just shrugged a little. He was not going to show her this time. And unfortunately, that didn't necessarily mean good or bad. It could just mean that he wasn't in the mood to try and communicate without disturbing the kids.
Finally, she decided to go to her appointment and leave the probing for later. She had to wait outside of Dr. Clarence's office for a couple of minutes but that was all. Then, she went in and had a seat.
"Hello, Zahara. How are you doing?" Dr. Clarence asked, kindly.
"I am... all right. It has been a very hard time."
"I'm sure it has. Everyone is safe now?"
"Yes. ...I think we are. I did not think we would be in such danger from visiting my brother, but Ahmed almost was killed." Zahara felt tears come to her eyes. "I hate that this happened. I wanted it to be the thing that helped Tim finally heal from when he was taken just before Jonathan was born. But instead..."
"How is your husband doing?"
"He is... not as bad as he could have been. He is not telling me much. I don't know if that is because he doesn't know himself how he's doing or if it's because he doesn't want to make me feel bad."
"Or a combination?" Dr. Clarence asked.
"Yes," Zahara said and smiled a little. "I had such hopes for this trip and it started out so well. That only made what happened worse."
Dr. Clarence smiled sympathetically. "I can imagine. What was the worst part for you? When were you the most afraid?"
Zahara thought about it. She was surprised to realize that she hadn't been overly frightened after the first night. First, she had been too tired, but then, she had felt safe in the desert with the Bedouin. It was only when she realized that Ahmed had been taken that she had begun to fear, but not for herself, only for her brother.
"We had to leave in the middle of the night. Tim woke me up and Suhayl was in the room telling us that we had to leave. We had to climb down a rope from our balcony to get out of the hotel. Tim went down first with Jonathan, but when I was getting ready to climb down with Salma, someone broke into our room. One of the men guarding us went back to stop him, but he was killed. I started to climb down, but a man came. We were too far down for him to grab us... and then..." She took a breath. "He cut the rope and we started to fall. I do not know how he did it, but Tim was there and caught us. Then, Suhayl killed the man and we got away, but that moment..." She started to tear up again. "...that was the worst. I felt us start to fall and I just wanted to protect Salma, but I wasn't sure I would be able to. It was only when Tim caught us that I was able to breathe again."
"That sounds terrible, Zahara. I'm so glad that you were able to escape from those people. That was a frightening experience for you."
"Yes, it was. While we were running, I didn't have time to think about it, but then..."
"Now, you're home and not running. You have time to think about everything that happened."
"Yes."
"That's very normal, Zahara. When people go through a traumatic event, often, they can't take the time to consider how traumatic it was until the event is over. Then, it's a matter of working through those feelings and emotions and accepting what happened, letting yourself be afraid and then giving yourself the care you need in order to recover. You're doing a good thing in trying to help yourself accept it and you're helping your children with that too. You're doing everything right. So don't fall into the trap of being afraid of making mistakes. You might make some mistakes but you're doing a great job in how you're dealing with this situation."
"Tim says that he hates how different his life is. He wishes it was a normal life, and I wish it, too. I know that he can't change it and that no one can, but sometimes, I wish there was a way. I love my husband. I love my family... but sometimes, it is hard being like this."
"That's normal, too, Zahara. When something bad happens, you see all the things that led to it and you wish you could change it. You both have had to deal with how hard it's been. You know you don't want it to be this way...and you probably both know that you can't change that part, right?"
"Yes."
"Good. But there is one thing you both can do."
"What?" Zahara asked.
"Work together to get through it. I know that you have tried to help Tim and I know that Tim has worked hard on trying to be better himself, but have you ever considered meeting with someone together to see if working together might help you?"
"Do you think that we have not been working together?" Zahara asked, feeling her brow furrow.
"I don't know. Are you? Maybe you are, but when you describe how things are going, it's mostly Tim going to therapy and you trying to be support. And that's good. Don't get me wrong," Dr. Clarence said. "I'm sure Tim has needed the support, but in a way, this might put an added weight on Tim because the happiness of your family depends on how well he's doing. If he's struggling, then, the whole family is struggling. That's probably true to an extent, but that's could be an extra difficulty for him. Do you see what I'm saying?"
Zahara had never thought of it that way. Certainly, she hadn't tried to imply that Tim was the main reason for things being good or bad, but she also knew that Tim saw his life mostly as impeding a normal life for the rest of them.
"I think so."
"Do you think it's possible that I'm right?"
"Yes, but I don't know if it is right."
"I'd like you to try talking to Tim about it, see if the two of you can work through that possibility. If I'm wrong, that's fine, but it's something to think about. Probably, your husband will always have struggles and it's important that he doesn't think that he's ruining things because of his struggles. Your family is good, isn't it?"
"Yes, it is. It would not be the same without him."
"Exactly. Try it out and if I'm wrong," Dr. Clarence smiled. "...well, then, you can come back and tell me so."
Zahara smiled. "I will try it."
Dr. Clarence looked at her watch. "We still have some time. So let's talk more about the things that are still affecting you now."
Zahara nodded and began to recount some of the experiences of the trip.
