September 3

Whispers.

I hear whispering. Who is that? I can just barely make it out.

Focusing everything I have into listening for the faint sounds whirling around my ears, I start to hear someone talking.

'The anomaly has made his choice at last. I do not understand it, but with your awakening, the tombs of the dragons have begun to stir. The dust on the highest of ledges dances in the wind. How many years has it been since I was a hero worthy of these grand wings? It feels as if it were centuries, but it has been only years. A blink of an eye. I want you to look upon my works, my deeds, as they are…ruined. None now would dare to seek me out. Many have tried to tread my path only to find death. I warn that nothing different awaits you in this cruel world.'

"Agh what the hell!?"

How long have I been underneath all this rock? I must be going crazy. I'll have to add 'Depressed robot man speaks in my head' the next time I get to go to therapy, if ever. Does that exist in this world?

Alright Kazuma. Let's get a grip. Can I move?

I start by twirling a finger, then making a fist.

I move onto creasing my toes and moving my foot around in a circular motion.

Okay, looks like that's not a problem, then how about-

"Oof-"

Trying to stand up results in my back hitting a rock of some kind. I can probably get a few inches off the ground at most. At least my lantern seems to be on and working, if it was pitch black I don't even know what I'd do.

Pressing my palms to the ground, I lift up just enough to get onto my knees. Now I just need to push. Harder and harder I start to raise my body up, and when I switch from a kneeling position to a single knee, I manage to completely free myself.

THUNK!

"...huh?"

Turning to look behind me, I start to wonder if I must be dreaming. What I originally thought was that maybe I was trapped by a thin sheet of rock or something. But looks more like the entire damn cave ceiling had fallen on me.

Did I really just lift that? That shit must weigh tons!

Is this one of those moments I hear about on the news? Where everyday people lift cars and stuff to save family? Must be.

Rumble!

Crap! This place is still caving in! Alright, I can worry about all this other stuff later. I have to find a way out. Just got to grab my lantern first.

But when I find it and lift it toward my face, another bombshell hits me.

It's broken. Completely beyond repair. But looking around the cave. I can see everything clearly.

"Oh god. Oh god oh god oh god. Okay, calm it. There has to be an explanation for this."

RUMBLE!

I nearly trip over my own damn feet as I feel more and more earthquakes go off. Right, I have to get a move on.

Practically having to leap over rocks and watch my every step, I start to get closer and closer to where I was before when I was separated from Aqua. But when I arrive-

"Really? It's still completely blocked off."

There's no way I can get through this…right?

But when I look back down the tunnel, I can't help but think about the size of that rock formation.

I take a few steps back, and after a little bit of hesitation, I run at the fallen rock wall with everything I got and shoulder-bash it!

Crash!

Smoke and dust kick up as I plow right through it like a tunneling machine.

Holy hell! That was like, several feet of pure rock and dirt! And to top it all off my shoulder feels fine!

Continuing to move up the tunnels, the rumbling of the cave gets louder and louder. It's only now that I think whatever is causing them isn't natural.

I enter a familiar-looking chamber. When Aqua and I first came through here, my lantern didn't give me an accurate presentation of just how large this part of the cavern was.

Rumble

This time it doesn't stop. Pebbles and small rocks vibrate throughout the room. I pat around my body for my sword, but I forgot that it was not only broken in half, but tossed aside.

Damn it, and I literally just bought that too!

With nothing else on hand, I awkwardly bring up my fists in a quickly made and sloppy martial arts stance.

Crash!

And it finally comes out.

A green-tinted mechanical worm-like robot. Its head beeps with a whole bunch of bright green lights, and when it spots me, it freezes.

The hell? I thought this was a fantasy world. What's an advanced robot doing here? The only thing that gives any indication of what it is, is the symbol of a 'W' on its side. I mean, no one's told me that this level of technology doesn't exist in this world right? Besides, I start to have an idea of why it's here.

"So, my first test huh?"

That guy from yesterday, he probably brought this thing here knowing I would fight it on my way out.

I know I should probably get all serious and all that, but hot damn I feel like a video game character right now! As soon as I trash this piece of junk and get out, I can go on quest, get stronger, and actually do stuff in this world!

"Ahem. So, you think you're going to stop me is that it?"

"Beep."

"No wait, scratch that. Tell me, since you're a machine. Have you ever felt scared before? You will be."

Way cooler!

"Beep!"

Crash!

Like an idiot, I stood there and smiled while this thing flung all twenty feet of itself at me and knocked me into the cave wall.

"Shit!..."

I open my eyes and feel over my body.

"That hurt but like, I feel pretty fine!"

Standing up, the rumbling of the cave walls returns once again. This time, I stand still and focus on my surroundings.

"Got you!"

Thinking it had the upper hand with its stealth, the mechanical work burrowed through the rock wall right behind me, but I anticipated this.

Turning on my foot with my fist already formed, I threw it forward with everything I had.

Kkkshkk!

The sound of tearing metal and electrical crackles fill the cave as my fist rips right into the machine's head.

Its beeping becomes frantic and glitched, and soon the rest of the body begins to spasm like a dying snake.

"Tch! Will you settle down!?"

With my one fist still inside, I grab hold of the cold outer shell with my other hand and grip down, bending the metal before my eyes.

Crouching closer to the ground, I pull hard and swing the giant robot worm in a circular motion and release it towards the dozens of stalactites up on the cavern ceiling. The hardened stone easily runs through and impales the mechanical beast in each segment, sending a slight sprinkle of oil down to the ground.

I can't stop the smile from forming on my face when I look down at my fist.

I don't even know what that thing really was, but I just beat the shit out of it! Kick ass!

With a small surge of energy, I start sprinting toward the surface. I don't want to waste any more time down here. I'm getting out, and I'm power leveling! That creepy guy told me to get stronger right? And to follow my goals? Well I already know what goal number one is, I'm getting strong enough to hunt that bastard down, no need to make it complicated. Although getting rich along the way wouldn't hurt.

I obviously awakened my latent potential like I should have when I first got here. And someone of my ability can't be seen sleeping on a bed of hay, what would my future fans think?

Or no, wait! This is like, the ultimate start, right? Starting from humble beginnings? Now that would be sure to get me some brownie points. I can write a book or something.

"Mmrh."

My eyes, sensitive to light, burn just a tad bit when I finally reach the outermost tunnel.

There are camp supplies and tents set up just outside the cave. Just wait till those girls see the new me. It took a while, but now I'll actually be able to feel like a true team leader.

Going through a few different ways to introduce myself in my head, I step out into the sun and-

"Ghk!? GaaAh!"

Pain. Searing, burning pain from every pore on my body! What is this!? Why is this happening!?

I stumble back into the cave out of panic and fall onto my knees. My scream must have alerted the girls, cause I see the tent flaps open in a hurry.

But no matter how hard I try to get back up, the strength I had just a moment ago fails me.

Thunk

A small, but warm body crashes into me, bringing me from my knees onto my back. I can't hear a thing, my ears filled with a ringing sound.

I think it's Megumin. She looks happy for half a second but then recoils back in fear.

The last thing I see before I lose consciousness is all three girls slowly getting closer to me like aliens curiously approaching their newest subject.


Knocked out again? Jeez, should I start appreciating consciousness or something? Just let me take one thing for granted, anything!

When I try to prop myself onto my elbows, I find it strangely difficult to move. I take a good look around and see that I'm still inside the cave. And by the look of the sky, it's going to start getting dark in a bit.

"Darkness, he's waking up!"

"Got it."

"Huh? H-hey what's going on?"

Before I can even get a word in, or say hello, Megumin Holds onto my feet, and Darkness my wrist. Both are tightly tied in rope.

"Hmph. Alright then. First question! Where's Kazuma!?"

Aqua, with a scowl on her face, stands over me and asks me the stupidest question of all time. Who else looks, sounds, and probably smells like Kazuma?

"Hey, that's not what we agreed to ask. How is he supposed to answer that if he is Kazuma?" Megumin says.

"What do you mean if I am Kazuma? What's going on here, I better get a good explanation! You don't want to mess with me now, I've basically grown to a whole new level!"

Speaking of which, when I get out of this weird situation, I should probably check my card.

"Shut up! I don't fear undead like you! Now what have you done with the real Kazuma!?"

"...What!? You think I'm UNDEAD!?"

Has this fuck up of an arch-priest lost her damn mind!? Doesn't she know the difference between me an a zombie!?

"Think? Hehe, as an arch-priest, I should have you know that I can smell an undead apart from an actual person no sweat! So are you still going to play games? If you're actually Kazuma, then go ahead, prove it!"

"You have about ten seconds to untie me before I punch all of you in the throat! I'll have you know that I just got so strong I don't even need y'all anymore! Why would I want some overly perverted crusader whose only use is being a wall, a one-trick pony who refuses to get over her main character syndrome, and a useless BIMBO!?"

"..."

"Kazuma! It's really you!" Both girls holding me down say in unison.

"H-huh? Okay, cut the crap. Explain. Now."

"You mean, you don't even realize it? Didn't you feel it when you went out into the sun?" Megumin asks.

"Realize what?"

Darkness hands me a bucket of water, I guess to see my reflection?

When I look into it, I nearly drop the damn thing in reaction.

"Wha- what is this? This is a joke, right?"

What the hell happened to my face, no, my skin, everything!

I didn't realize it when I looked at my hands inside the cave, but looking at them now, it's as clear as it ever could be.

All the melanin is gone! My skin is pale as a dead body! And my hair, didn't I have light brown hair yesterday? Now it looks like a dusty, dark greyish-brown color.

"Don't forget these."

"Yowch!"

I fight Megumin off of my ears, but I give them a second look over in the bucket. Each one ends with a sharp tip, like an elf.

Aside from the crimson eyes, which I admit look hella badass, my body's been turned into a walking corpse of itself!

"I don't get it though, when did this happen? I never-"

'That's all I needed to see'

Remembering those words, my hand instinctively reaches for my right shoulder. I see brief images of that moment flash in my mind.

"He…he bit he didn't he? A vampire."

It all makes sense now.

I've been turned into a vampire. The strength and speed, seeing in the dark, burning in the sunlight. Starting to finally wrap my mind around this fact, this new reality, that I've been cursed for all eternity. Only one thing comes to mind...

"Worth it."

"WHAT!?"

"Agh- would you watch the volume?"

All three of us stare up at Aqua, who had been watching me silently with an unreadable expression this entire time, as she basically shouts her lungs out.

"What do you mean worth it!? You've been turned into an undead!"

"Yeah? And I just beat a giant mechanical worm with my bare hands. My bare hands! Literally just punched it in the head!"

"I don't care how much stronger this thing made you, you're a nasty undead! I almost wanna vomit just being near you!"

"Great, now you know how I feel having to look at you every day!"

"Ha-!? Y-you take that back! Diviiiine ELBOW!"

"What are you- Aqua wait! OUUGH!"


"You two are awfully calm about this whole ordeal. You're not going to tell me you're actually okay with this?"

"Well actually, the idea of having a vampire on the team is pretty cool. And Kazuma seems happy about it right? Maybe this can be a blessing in disguise?"

"Mrrrm. Serves me right for trying to find logic with Megumin. But Darkness, what about you? You're a crusader, this should be like, illegal for you or something!"

"If you have a problem with me miss arch-priest, I'm totally down to go another round! Just come at me!"

"No! You're cheating with your new demon powers!"

"What part of being a vampire could possibly help me win at rock paper scissors? Are you that stupid?"

After the initial shock wore off, we decided to have a small intervention about my new transformation. Mainly, should I continue to be a member of the party? Aqua hasn't straight up said no, but ironically, she's been playing devil's advocate this entire time.

It almost feels like she's struggling to decide how she feels about it herself and wants to push the responsibility of making that choice onto the other girls.

"Shut up! I'm talking to Darkness….well? Give us your thoughts."

Darkness stares long at a purple pendant she holds in the palm of her hand. It's not a symbol I recognize, but she once told me that it was something special to her.

"I believe I'm the oldest one here yes?"

"Yep."

"Mhm."

"Well…"

"Ahem!"

I cough loudly and stare at Aqua. Wasn't she the one who wanted to keep her divine nature a secret?

"Alright alright! Yeah, you're the oldest."

"Right. Tell me, have any of you ever heard of the church of Eris?"

Church of Eris? If I remember, there is a church in Axel, but for reasons I don't know, it was completely renovated and turned into a small travelers' hotel.

"Oh yeah! I do! Me!"

"Yes, Megumin? What do you know?"

"The church of Eris was the old official religion of Belzerg Kingdom."

"Correct! I'm surprised you remember. You would have been six years old when the Royal Capital fell to the empire."

There it is again, the empire. From the sound of it, it looks like the management of the kingdom got passed along to an enemy force almost a decade ago.

"And then…all religion was outlawed. Even m- even the Axis church was destroyed." Aqua's mood took a nosedive the moment the topic started. If her religion was either banned or wiped out, I guess it would make sense.

"Oh, were you a follower? My condolences. However, you asked about my thoughts on serving alongside someone like Kazuma, an undead. It may be rude to say so, but one benefit to the change in the kingdom was the level of diversity that grew. The Queen of Belzerg has slowly done away with old tradition."

"The Queen of Belzerg is a demon! The Royal Capital was never meant to be shared between their kind and humans!" Aqua barks back.

"Maybe not. These new ideals haven't reached Axel either. If we continue to work as a team and Kazuma's secret is revealed, we'll most likely be ostracized by the entire town."

"Exactly."

Damn, I never really thought about it like that. I have to admit, to hear that the capital of the kingdom is cohabited by different types of fantasy races, even those that might be seen as evil is pretty cool in its own way. But Darkness is right, Axel has definitely not grown to accept that way of thinking. If they find out what I am, these girls might suffer for it as much as I will.

"However. As a crusader without a goddess to serve, my first and foremost duty will be to my friends. No matter the consequences or the opposition. So I say, let us continue to adventure as one."

"Darkness! I take back everything I said about you being overly perverted."

"Ah- No need to thank me. It's simply how I feel is all."

"Well, Darkness is fine with it. I'm fine with it. How do you feel Aqua?"

Aqua pouts at being the odd one out. But quickly looks at me with a conflicted look on her face. I don't want to admit it, but I actually do care about what answer she'll give. I meant what I said before, about how I don't exactly think I really need her anymore.

Hell, it's kinda the opposite. Just touching her a bit ago, no matter how gentle, actually kinda stings if I hold onto her for too long. I don't even want to know what would happen if she were to accidentally hit me with one of her priest spells.

Even still, we came here together. Or actually, I dragged her here. But she stayed with me this entire time. And I mean, I'm still a human inside right? How could I sleep, eat, and work with the same person every day for weeks and not care about them? What do you think I am?

"Nhhn. Living and adventuring with a vampire…just when I think this world can't get any weirder. Alright, fine. I'll deal with it I guess. But don't like it! And the moment we ever find some way to cure him, we will!"

"What!? No! Leave me and my new powers alone! I'm going to grow up to be some edgy badass thank you very much!"

"Yeah, grow up he says. Newsflash, you're stuck in that body forever DracuNEET!"

"What did you call me!?"

"You heard me. Sleeping in caves. Avoiding the sun. Pale skin. It's all coming together for you. Now that I think about it, it does suit you, doesn't it?"

"Now hold on you!"

"Haaa…looks like they're already back to normal."

"Mhm! I was worried there for a second. Although I have to admit, it's kind of a bummer Kazuma lost his one-day-old scar."

"...!? What was that!?"

I force the bucket closer to me in a panic. And sure enough-

"NOOOOOO!"


"Maybe this time?...nope."

I place my hand in front of my adventurer card, wait a few seconds, then reveal it.

"How about now?...nuh uh."

After we decided to stick together as a team, we waited for the sun to go down enough so that I could safely leave the cave. Unfortunately for us, we had to report the fact that the vampire we were sent to kill was already dead.

A load off the town's shoulders for sure, but because we weren't the ones to do it, we missed out on a nice payday.

"You sure you're going to sleep without dinner? I saved some for you just in case."

"Yeah I'm not hungry. Thank you though."

How Aqua can go from aggressively wishing for my death one hour, and thoughtfully making sure I'm fed the next, will always be something I can't understand. But I guess I should be grateful that she's probably just too naive to really take that goddess vs undead type stuff seriously.

No, the real problem here is my adventurer card.

Strength: 22

Vitality: 21

Magic: 12

Intelligence: 32

Dexterity: 23

Agility: 24

Luck: 794

It hasn't changed at all! Aqua's strength alone is fifty points higher than mine at seventy-two. But she couldn't get a single one of those damn rocks to budge in the slightest.

This means one of two things, either the card is broken now, as my body went through a massive change in an instant, or these are my stats relative to what I am.

Name: Kazuma Satou

Gender: Male

Age: 16

Race: Vampire Lord

Those words stood out to me as well. I've never heard of 'Lord' being put together with a vampire before.

'Vampires come in all sorts of ranks and variations' Was what she said.

It's the only thing I can think of at the moment. A vampire Lord. Even the name is super badass! How high will my stats get?

Damn it, I can't sleep. I'm way too excited about this whole thing! I got to calm down somehow.

Getting up from our makeshift bed, I straighten out my clothes and grab the black hooded cloak we snagged, as if I was heading out.

"Mmf. Something wrong?"

"Yeah, can't sleep. I was just going to go for a walk."

"Well duh. Vampires, like all undead, don't sleep as a physical need. They only sleep when they're mentally in need of rest."

"Huh. Guess there's a lot more to this than I originally thought…"

Well that's great. What am I supposed to do for eight hours each night?

My eyes open wide and I facepalm.

…Am I really asking that?


Two on the left. One on the right.

"Come at me."

"Snarl!"

Alpha dire wolves. And three of them. The night receptionist was pretty adamant about me probably dying If I did this quest. But with my adventurer card being the only indication of my skills, it's easy to understand.

Dire wolves on their own are dangerous in packs, and in this world, they grow to the size of lions. Alpha dire wolves are easily identified by the red and black fur, and the fact that they're probably as big as a freakin' bear!

Seeing something this big move with the speed of a dog is internally freaking me out. Circling around me and keeping their distance.

But I have to remember, I'm dangerous too. And in this situation, the best thing to do would be-

"To draw them in."

I let the one on the right circle to my blind spot. When he gets there, the two in front charge at me at full speed. Setting up for something like a pincer attack.

When the moment is right

I turn back and grab the lone wolf by the snout and jaw and swing him forward like a baseball bat, crushing him against one wolf with the sickening sound of crunching bone, and sending the other into a temporary retreat.

Oh yeah, I'm strong alri-

"Agh fuck!"

It bit down on me! How is it still alive!?

I free my bleeding hand and retake the snout and jaw before I start pushing down. But in my distracted state-

"Snarl, Roagh!"

I'm tackled onto the forest floor, my right arm caught deep inside the second wolf's jaws.

I start beating on it with my left, each hit impacting harder and harder until blood begins to pour out of its mushy skull.

Except it doesn't let go.

"Piece of shit!"

SCHPLT!

Straightening all the fingers of my left hand, I jab it right into the wolf's throat, cleanly severing it from its body.

"Oh no you don't!"

Ever the opportunist, the moment I begin to stand up, the other two, despite the fact that they should have severe internal bleeding, rush at me from two opposing angles.

To separate them, I throw the decapitated head at one of them, tripping them up mid-run, and when the other wolf gets to me-

"Gah!"

I threw a hard kick to the side of its head, but it powers through and bites down onto the side of my body, shaking me around as its teeth dig deeper and deeper into my gut.

The wolf then throws me into a nearby tree and continues its assault.

"Tch!" I grit my teeth and put my arms forward defensively. The wolf basically headbutts into them and quickly switches to manic snapping, desperate to get to my neck as I hold it back, just barely by the throat. I get an idea, but I need to time it right.

When it opens its mouth-

Slam!

I swing my head down and break its bottom set of teeth.

"You're starting to piss me off!"

"Puurriiii"

It lets out a high-pitched wine as I grab one of the giant teeth and force it up through the bottom of its mouth and out through the top.

Snap!

With its main weapon taken away, a quick twist of its head puts it out of its misery.

The remaining dire wolf shakes off my attack from earlier, but quickly realizes it's alone. And when I rise to my feet, covered in large amounts of both my blood and theirs, its tail wavers.

"Oh no. I know you want to survive and all, but you're worth money to me."

I take slow, careful steps toward the animal. And despite the massive size difference, I feel like there's been a sudden reversal of the roles I have lived in for my entire life.

Growing up all alone, without a single friend who cared for me.

Forcing myself through a school where I lived as an outcast every day.

Dealing with people bigger and stronger than me, each one thinking they could do whatever they want. Just like that other asshole.

I finally start to feel like I can turn those tables. Rewrite the script.

The wolf, who only a few minutes ago looked at me as an easy meal, turns and runs into the hills for its life. And I, now the hunter, give chase.