Crunchy undergrowth itched at Remus's sides. He looked to his right; a thorny rosebush wouldn't help his comfort. To his left was Tonks. He couldn't go any closer without touching her; he didn't need any more fuel for the increasingly explicit dreams he had of her. She had the advantage of a woolly blanket underneath her torso. Remus stuck with the twigs and leaves, sighing.

"Ew, look," Tonks whispered, pointing ahead. Yaxley's country home lay ahead. Through the window, Remus saw an amorous union proceeding between the man and a much younger woman. "That's disgusting."

Remus winced. His supposed relationship couldn't look much better.

"That girl's younger than me. Octavia Rookwood. She was a year behind me, a Slytherin." Tonks made a fake retching sound. "Yaxley's what—my mum and dad's age? Blech. Men are pigs." She grinned at him for a moment before neutralizing her expression. "I didn't mean you, of course. You're not a pig, you're—"

"A werewolf?"

Tonks was temporarily stunned. She opened her mouth to laugh, but Remus clapped his palm over her lips, muffling the sound.

Now he knew what her lips felt like on his hand. Great.

When her guffaws died down to stifled giggles, she took his wrist and set his hand aside.

"I was going to say," Tonks chuckled, turning to face him, "you're more like a cabbage."

"A…cabbage?"

"Mum said the French use it fondly. Mon petit chou. It's like their darling—" At this, Remus's heart skipped a beat, pleased to think he'd earned her endearment. "—but I dunno, you seem like a cabbage. It's a good thing. Harmless and a bit bitter, but sweet."

Remus decided to take the phrase as a strange compliment, given her playful smile. He was glad that it was nighttime and she couldn't see him flush with embarrassment. He'd never been good at taking such social niceties, feeling they were always made out of politeness, rather than truth.

Reminded of her previous comment, and glancing through the window to see Yaxley and his companion having a romp, Remus decided to change the topic.

"Can I ask you something?"

"I'm an open book."

"Your parents mentioned this—some of your friends, too—and you don't have to answer—"

"—just say it, Lupin."

Not able to look directly at the Yaxleys' manor or at Tonks, he settled his gaze on a nearby mouse, sniffing up at the rosebush. "Why haven't you been with more men? Wizards?" He cleared his throat, feeling spectacularly awkward. "Am I…not me, but if I were someone different—"

"—why I haven't been with many men? And if I would've dated another one, if not for you?"

Remus mumbled his reply. Tonks rolled back onto her stomach, looking straight ahead.

"Part of it's the morphing. I don't usually tell men I'm a Metamorphmagus, but most of the ones my age do, if we went to school together. I learned fast that once you say that, they ask you do things. I'd go for Muggles, but when I, er—"

The darkness obscured most of Remus's vision. The dim light illuminating their hideout showed what he thought was a delicate blush appearing on her neck and cheeks.

"Let's just say that when I'm happy in bed," Tonks said, "it shows." She pointed to her hair as it flashed from one color to another.

It took a moment too long for Remus to grasp her meaning. He felt his body respond to the sudden image intruding his mind, and he shifted in his spot, hoping she didn't notice. The twigs on the ground dug further into his sides.

"Anyway, another part's about my job. Lots of men are intimidated by an Auror. I've started and ended a few things because the bloke was either insecure or whined over not having enough time with me. As if it was my choice to get the shit beaten out of me in training."

Remus nodded along. If she hadn't been introduced to him with the purpose of becoming his fake bride, he would've been intimidated by her.

"Also, this might seem shallow, but dicks are ugly. Women's bodies are loads nicer to look at—" She turned over and stuck her chest out proudly at this, while Remus looked away instantly, forgetting that he ought to have focused on the mouse. "—but I'm sure I don't need to tell you that, and anyway you don't need a real dick to—"

"—I understand," he interrupted, not wanting to dwell on the image of her attractive body doing anything but laying, fully clothed, on the blanket.

Tonks snorted at his obvious discomfort. "Most blokes hear I'm bi and want a threesome. If I wanted that, I'd have done it. I prefer one-on-one, y'know?" Remus shrugged in response. The idea of more than one woman with him was as foreign as the idea of having a real marriage. "But whether I'd have seriously dated another man…he'd have to be special. Really special. It's easier to say what I don't want in a bloke than what I do want." A short pause followed her remark. "What about you, Mr. Perpetual Bachelor? What does it take to win your heart?"

Remus laughed bitterly. "We've discussed this before. I've no future to offer anyone, so it hardly matters." He heard her frustrated huff.

"Say that you did—"

"—I don't—"

"—it's all pretend, make-believe—"

"—a theme as of late—"

"—just play along—"

"—I already am, with this charade—"

"—shut the fuck up, Lupin."

Remus turned his head. Tonks's eyes glittered and her nostrils flared. He thought it was friendly banter, but he'd evidently missed the turn in their conversation.

"I was trying to make friendly conversation, you miserable arse. I get it, no one will love you. It was a way to pass the time while those twats get on with their lives." She pointed up at the Yaxley house. "Now let's sit in silence and watch them shag or pretend we can't see a thing, if you're capable of any more 'charades'." She scooted further away from him; he hadn't noticed she was close enough to touch him before her outburst.

An uncomfortable feeling settled in the pit of Remus's stomach. He couldn't leave, not in the middle of their surveillance mission. He couldn't bear the quiet. It wasn't like the relaxed silences they shared at their flat.

Her flat. Remus reminded himself he was her guest, at her mercy. How did he continue spoiling what she was offering him?

A hasty glance at the Yaxleys' showed the lovers weren't going anywhere. Neither were Remus or Tonks.

"You're going to call me pathetic—" Remus started, breaking their silence.

"I already do," Tonks replied tartly, side-eyeing him disdainfully. "And it's not because of your 'furry little problem.'"

He exhaled through his nose, deciding he couldn't look any worse. "If she shows interest in me," he said softly. "To answer your question. It doesn't take much to, er, 'win' me. It's a rarity to be noticed."

Tonks lifted her head, staring at him incredulously. "You'll fuck anyone who gives you another look?"

"No." Remus swallowed his embarrassment. He was already wretched in her eyes and relying on her kindness. "But I don't bother trying with anyone who won't look my way. I've had a few 'connections' in the past. Nothing lasts," he said bitterly. "I never let it go far. I've got nothing to offer past a few weeks' diversion."

"And the women? You just have your way with them and leave?" Tonks was visibly offended.

"It never gets that far," Remus repeated. "I make it clear I'm not interested in anything long-term."

"But that's a lie—"

"—it is not. When I was younger this happened on occasion. It's been some years since—" He cleared his throat, feeling a tickle at the back of it. "I'm not proud of it, however infrequent the 'connections' were. It's in the past."

The wind rustled leaves in the trees above. The whooshing reminded Remus of a particularly humiliating attempt at romance: he'd stolen away with a Ravenclaw girl to the edge of the Forbidden Forest, only to find Sirius there. The wind was sharper that day.

"What if you could have a long-term thing?" Tonks asked, interrupting his painful musings. "Don't you notice anything? About anyone?"

He wanted to forget about it and talk about something else. However, it had felt worse somehow to be silent with Tonks than to let her ravage what was left of his pride for her entertainment.

"Kindness," he murmured. "Intelligence. A good sense of humor."

"Go on." Remus glanced sideways at Tonks. She was finally smiling.

"Someone I can talk to and trust. I like a nice smile and—" He stopped, fearing he'd said too much. He didn't want to be seen like the other men Tonks knew, the ones that wanted her to look a certain way.

"Keep going," Tonks whispered, the amusement in her voice clear. "What do you like?"

"You won't laugh?" She shook her head in response, her expression now serious. He finished, "A nice smile and eyes. Some women…their eyes shine in this way. I don't know what word to use."

"Do mine do it?" she asked, creeping closer to him and batting her eyelashes.

It was very lucky for Remus that a door slammed loudly nearby. Yaxley's mistress was on her way out, which meant they could return to their previous study of the suspect's activities.

Otherwise, Remus would've had to tell Tonks that yes, her eyes very much shone in a way he found most attractive.


Remus knew it was a bad day at the Ministry when Tonks came home late, scowling, and said almost nothing over dinner. She inhaled the chicken tikka masala he made, thanked him briefly, and excused herself to her room.

He didn't have a shift at the shop today, and with no pressing Order work to attend to, he'd spent his day at Grimmauld Place, helping with boggart and ghoul removal. He was tempted to stay for dinner and send a note to Tonks to invite her at Molly's request. Not knowing if she'd appreciate a letter from him sent to her workplace, he politely declined.

It was only as he was chopping ingredients that he realized he could've asked Molly to send Arthur a note and through him, ask Tonks. He smacked his palm against his forehead, feeling stupid, but as he remembered how much he owed her, he didn't feel guilt that he was going through the effort to make one of her favorite meals.

After doing the dishes and leaving the kitchen spotless, Remus grew concerned that Tonks hadn't left her room. She wasn't like this, brooding alone. Maybe, he thought glumly, she'd run into her ex again and lamented her current situation. He didn't know if he should leave her be, but as the quiet grew more noticeable—it was never quiet with her at home—he decided to offer his help.

The door to her room was closed. He held up a hand, ready to knock, when he heard an unusual sound. He stilled, craning his neck toward the door, holding his breath to hear what was happening.

The passioned, muffled, but high-pitched cries emanating from her bedroom created an immediate problem in Remus's trousers. He stood, transfixed, hearing Tonks bring herself pleasure. The blood in his body traveled south and his head became filled with static. He could only imagine what lay on the other side of the door. He wondered if she was under her quilt, or if—

One final, satisfied moan brought total silence, shocking Remus out of his lewd thoughts. He couldn't be caught outside her door with the hard evidence poking away from his body. He heard stirring from Tonks's bedroom. Her footsteps grew louder; he panicked and scuttled into his room, locking the door behind him.

"Remus?" she called, as he heard the creaking from her door.

He sat on his bed, still as a statue, forcing his mind away from anything unholy.

"Are you in here?" Tonks rapped at his door.

"Y…es," he croaked. "Tired."

"Oh." Was it his imagination, or did she sound the slightest bit disappointed? "I had an idea for when you could propose." Remus scrunched his eyes tight and clenched all the muscles in his body, forcing attention away from his groin. "I can make tea? Or are you too tired for tea?"

Tonks made passable tea. Remus briefly considered his options: he could join her for tea, a most welcome invitation if he ever heard one, or, he could stay in his room and avoid her.

"You know what?" she said through the door. "I'll shower and then make tea. It'll give you some time to decide what you want to do."

The image of Tonks, hot and wet, only worsened Remus's situation. With her using the shower, he couldn't take a cold one to relieve his suffering. He throbbed, desperate for release.

The sound of running water reached his ears. With blood pounding in his head, he gave in and cast a Silencing Charm, a Muffling Charm, and an additional Locking Charm, just to be safe.

With a resigned, guilty sigh, he got to work.


The library at Number 12, Grimmauld Place, had never been cleaner.

A week before the start of the new term at Hogwarts, Andromeda and Ted Tonks were inducted into the Order of the Phoenix. The Tonkses were providing only auxiliary support and intelligence. Andromeda still had connections to pureblood families through gossip chains at Twilfitt and Tatting's (unbeknownst to Remus, she'd worked as a seamstress there for almost thirty years, despite her disownment from the Black family), and Ted's position at St. Mungo's gave him access to the everyday witch or wizard seeking treatment. His role was merely to observe what others said regarding the unspoken, upcoming war.

When the Tonkses were inducted and Andromeda made a tearful reunion with her cousin Sirius, she bemoaned the state of Grimmauld Place (much to Molly Weasley's chagrin, who had worked tirelessly to clean it), and got to work to make it habitable. The ancestral, Black family home seemed to respond to Andromeda in a way that it wouldn't respond to anyone else, though Kreacher was as disgusted by the new family blood traitor as he was with the old one.

The library would serve as the setting for the proposal.

"Are you sure about this?" Remus said quietly, palming the velvet box in his pocket.

"I am; of course I am." Tonks raised her chin at him, confident. "Everyone's downstairs. They know what's coming."

A faint giggle or two emanated from the hallway outside the library. Ginny and Hermione were tasked as 'lookouts' for Remus, as he trusted them not to make a huge fuss, but he wondered then if he should've chosen Harry and Ron instead.

"Should I use your full name?" he whispered.

Tonks nodded and squeezed his arm. "Whenever you're ready."

Remus's heart raced as he took the small box out of his pocket. He knew it was a sham. He knew it was a lie, all of it. But with Tonks, prettily awaiting him, her eyes sparkling, he could almost believe it was real. He could almost see a universe in which he was another man, with an attractive woman before him, gladly waiting to accept him in marriage.

"Nymphadora Andromeda Tonks," Remus said reverently, dropping down to one knee. "Will you marry me?"

"Yes," she said, grinning sweetly at him. He got to his feet and placed the ring on her finger. It fit perfectly, and he saw the gooseflesh appear on her arms when his thumb brushed the back of her hand. He tried to pull his hand away, but Tonks hung onto it.

"They'll see us through the crack in the door," she whispered. "Come closer."

He did as he was told. Tonks closed the space between them and tilted her head up.

"Think of it as practice," she murmured, her lips barely grazing his. "For our big day."

A soft, but firm kiss set Remus's nerves on fire. It lasted no more than a few seconds—enough for him to respond briefly—and then she let go too soon.

"Call them in."

Remus forgot that anything existed outside the library. In fact, as his eyes drifted down to Tonks's lips, he thought the entire house could go up in flames and he wouldn't notice.

"Remus," Tonks said, in a low, but urgent tone. "Call them."

Hearing his name on her lips disconcerted him. His senses came back, hearing the less-stifled giggles from the doorway, and he cleared his throat, which broke the spell over the room.

"Hermione, Ginny," Remus said loudly. "Come in!"

The two girls rushed inside, beaming and clapping for the newly engaged couple. Tonks played the part of a newly engaged witch rather well, having the girls ooh and ahh over the ring. Remus urged them all to go downstairs, where he and Tonks were joyfully congratulated by most of the Order, including her parents.

Tonks feigned her astonishment well; it was all her idea, planning the engagement on the 31st of August and throwing a surprise party immediately after so that the kids could attend. She hoped they would spread the news among their friends at Hogwarts, having it fresh on their minds on the first of September. She insisted they all spoke warmly of Remus, calling him one of their best Defense professors, and thought that his former pupils' support would be beneficial.

It also gave Sirius a lift in his mood, as he was depressed over Harry's imminent return to school. Remus saw a genuine smile on Sirius's face that night. He had Harry and Andromeda with him, introducing the two, and something in Remus's heart clenched. He wondered, if things had gone differently, if Harry could've grown up with Sirius and come to know the Tonkses as a child, rather than as a teenager.

Remus's face hurt from smiling, despite himself. He couldn't resist the jovial mood in the old home, or the flutters in his stomach whenever Tonks winked in his direction.

It was a farce, but he'd never had so much fun being dishonest.