He thought he couldn't breathe. His chest burned. His throat was tight. His eyes stung with tears. Each attempt at an intake of breath was more laborious than the last. It was so shallow. It was almost as though the air would hit his lungs then bounce right back out. Nothing would stick. His chest rose and fell rapidly. The air moved in and out harshly, but it wouldn't stay in. He felt like he was going to die. What else would happen if he couldn't breathe.
Sean tried his best to remind himself that he was very much alive, which meant he could very much breathe. He gripped the edge of his mattress, knowing that could ground him to the world. If he could hold something so tightly, didn't that mean he could breathe. He had to be able to breathe. Yet all he could do was hyperventilate. It was harsh and grating, and it hurt so damn much. He had to get a handle on himself. He knew how; he just had to breathe in and out. After surviving Seal training, Sean could definitely do that. Except, it was nearly impossible to breathe. Why was it so difficult.
Later, he'd realize it was a panic attack. As the tears bit in his eyes, and his mind raced with thoughts he had no control of, Sean would recognize that his anxieties had consumed him. There was no way for him to stop it. He had to suffer the agonizing breaths and torturous thoughts until it fizzled out on its own. He doubted that'd be soon. It was too much to ever end. Those thoughts screaming in his head could never be silenced.
The images repeated over and over again without reprieve. Alex shot, bleeding out, not recovering. Nikita falling out a window, facing a bomb, never escaping in time. The danger was over. The day was saved, mission complete, no innocents hurt. Yet Sean's mind wouldn't let him rest. He had to keep experiencing the worst and the extreme like it was really happening. He can really picture Alex dying in his arms. He could see Nikita being violently ripped away from him again. It was happening around him, yet he couldn't save them. He couldn't do anything.
No amount of telling himself that his imagination wasn't real would take his anxieties away. He couldn't even convince himself that Alex and Nikita were safe and sound at the moment. They had more than survived their ordeals, and they were healing perfectly. The horrific situations could stay in the past. Except, his thoughts wouldn't let them. Sean had to relive his worst nightmares, while he couldn't breathe, for what felt like an eternity. He just wanted it to end. He just wanted things to be okay again.
Even when his panic attack subsided, the feeling that nothing was okay sank deep in his stomach. He couldn't pretend that things were fine. They never could be with Division still standing. However, if Sean had asked the others if things were alright, they'd more or less agree that it was. Sure, they'd complain about the situation. But they'd also find a way to be optimistic. The team would continue to believe they could eventually go home and live happily ever after. The threat of death or destruction didn't scare them. They thought themselves impervious. The consequences wouldn't catch up to them.
Sean didn't believe that, however. He knew deep down that if the team continued on their current path, they'd only be met with disaster. He had seen it countless times. People believed they were doing the right thing, then they died unfairly and unjustly. Sean didn't have to reach far back in his memories to find an instance of that. Didn't that happen to Mia. She tried to help Nikita when she finally learned the truth, and she was killed for her actions. Playing the hero only got her killed. It was every hero's fate.
Alex had been shot and Nikita fell out a window. They had been so close to their hero's ending. Sean couldn't bear to think about it (obviously). Division had already stolen his mother from him. He had been forced to watch Nikita 'die' due to that hellhole before. He couldn't lose anyone else. He had to keep the family and loved ones he had left. None of that pain should continue. It wasn't fair that he continued to lose.
No one else appeared to be suffering the same thoughts as Sean. The team seemed to bounce back from the horrific missions and near death experiences as though nothing had happened. It was a new week with new operations to face- nothing else should affect them. Sean couldn't stand the idea. They had to discuss what had occurred. They had to change things moving forward. None of them were rogue agents anymore. They were working for the government until they could go home. The situation was different, so they had to be different. But that wasn't getting through to everyone. Except for Ryan.
Ryan was too busy locked in his office to help Sean, though. The Seal was left on his own to make the others talk and listen. It was of no use. Like Ryan, Birkhoff was in his own world; it just happened to be computers over paperwork. Alex and Nikita were as stubborn and fierce as always, carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders despite their injuries. Michael should've been the one person in Sean's corner. But he appeared to be tagging along with the women. They could soldier their way home. There was no reason to panic.
The fact that Sean was alone in his thoughts made his panic attacks worse. There really was no reprieve. No one would be coming to help him. No one could take the burden of his nightmarish visions of loved ones dying off of him. He was trapped. Sean couldn't find an escape, and no one could make one for him. Maybe if he tried harder- if he asked for help. Of course the team would help him. But he was too stuck in his head to reach out.
It got to the point that when he got dragged along to Michael and Nikita's impromptu engagement dinner, he couldn't hide his stress anymore. Sean had tried to soldier on, pretend everything was fine. But as Michael, Nikita, and Alex laughed and joked so easily despite everything that had happened, he snapped. Sean threw one too many scathing comments at his sister and his girl (he honestly had no idea if they were actually boyfriend and girlfriend). His words definitely ruined the night. What was supposed to be a fun evening, celebrating two people's happiness, was quickly ruined by his fear.
Nikita was pissed the second the caustic quips flew out of his mouth. Sean regretted what he said. He didn't want to upset his sister. But he couldn't stop. His fear had such a hold on him, he hurt everyone around him. It was like a self-destructive weapon that dragged everyone down to his level. Even stoic Michael glared at him. Sean felt like shit. He wanted to apologize, yet it was too late. As soon as Nikita got a message from Birkhoff, she grabbed her fiancé's hand and left the restaurant. She didn't say a word to her brother. She didn't even look at him.
"This is your sister's engagement dinner. What is wrong with you?" Alex seethed the words that had been screaming in Sean's head. What the fuck was wrong with him. He couldn't even reply to Alex. His eyes only focused on her sling as he stammered. She had the good sense to walk away too. He deserved to be left with the check (thankfully, they had only had time to order champagne). And he deserved to be left alone with his thoughts. Sean had been an ass to his sister and her fiancé. He had been an ass to Alex. He couldn't believe he had let his anxiety get the better of him like that. Shouldn't he have been better.
He couldn't change himself despite his efforts. He wanted change for the team and Division. But if he couldn't fix himself, how could anything change. It couldn't all be better. If anything, it was all getting worse. Sean was a mess. He was so wound up and anxious over recent events, that he couldn't breathe or think. Everything he tried to do fell at his feet. He probably ruined things with Nikita for a long time. Maybe he could salvage their relationship, yet he doubted it. He doubted he could do anything.
Division had to be the root of his troubles. All his fears stemmed from that bunker. It didn't even begin the year before when his mother put him on cleanup duty. Since Nikita had 'died', he hadn't known a second of peace. He had to separate himself from Division. It was that simple. That hellhole had only caused him pain. If he left, he wouldn't panic as much. Without that panic, he wouldn't be so angry or awful towards those he loved. He could be himself again.
God, he wanted to be himself once more. He just had to escape. He didn't doubt that he could do that. He had no holds to Division. He didn't need a pardon. He had his own life to return to. Sean could just leave. Hopefully, he could bring his friends along with him. They should all escape. They had to be free and happy together. After the dinner, Sean shouldn't approach Nikita or Michael. But he could rush to Alex. He could meet back up with her and lay it all out. He knew she'd listen to him. She'd always lean towards him even when she was irritated, "Alex? Can we talk?"
"Go apologize to your sister," Crossing her arms, Alex stared Sean down. Whatever he had to say, she'd hear it after he made things right. She could live with his comments. They had said worse while fighting. But he ruined something special for his sister. Nikita didn't get to have normal things. That night should've been her night, yet her family took it away from her once more. Sean needed to apologize before anything else- specifically before Nikita kicked his ass.
"No. Not about… there's some stuff I want to tell you," Sean tried to reach for Alex, yet thought better of it. He'd say his piece to her (and Nikita later) then he'd try to get closer. It could help the muddled words bouncing around in his mind. It could also help the flutter in his heart. Regardless of how terrible he felt, he was sticking to his decision. He knew it was for the best. In the long run, he'd be happier and safer. They all would be safe and sound if they gave up, "I think… I think it's about time we left Division."
"What about your sister?" Those were the only words Alex was able to speak. She couldn't register what exactly Sean was telling her. What did he mean by leaving Division. He was still on leave with the Navy; he didn't have to go back for a while. He could continue helping the team. They needed it with Dirty Thirties still around. Sean couldn't just leave them high and dry. That wasn't like him at all. He stayed because it was the right thing to do, because his sister needed him, because Alex was there. He couldn't give up and quit. He didn't do that.
"She can come too. And Michael. We don't need to be here anymore. Kasim, Percy, and Semak are dead. Amanda and Ari are in the wind. We don't need to get revenge anymore. We should just leave," Sean simply let his thoughts spew. Their missions for revenge and justice were all over. Saving others from Division didn't have to be a priority anymore. Justice had been served, and they could have what they had always been fighting for. After all, Sean had two other sisters. He couldn't keep running and hiding from them to keep Nikita safe. Jill and Sandy deserved all of him too. He couldn't be an ass around them.
Though, to Alex, Sean was still being an ass. How could he suggest they all back up and leave. What about Ryan and Birkhoff. What about Division. The agents had been screwed over countless times before. The people that had saved them couldn't abandon them as well. And what about the President. There was no way she'd let them go, even with the lives they had waiting for them. They couldn't run. They couldn't leave. That wasn't what they did, "But that's not what we promised."
"It's more than that, though," Sean was close to begging. It was so much more than pardons and being there for discarded people. Didn't they already deserve happiness after all they had endured. Alex had her mother back. Nikita and Michael were engaged. They were already working on forevers and freedoms. The team could just skip the clean up act of being a hero. There was no need for that when their lives were at stake.
"I can't with you right now," Huffing, Alex stomped off again. Sean didn't have the energy to follow. She was probably right in keeping her distance. He didn't like himself at the moment either. Except, he knew it was all necessary. The change he wanted and the safety it brought only came from leaving. He'd be able to breathe once they all did.
