A hazy fog was all I got whenever I thought about my past life, around a year or two back. But as the time went on, the thick fog became a light mist, allowing me to see through it.
At first there were just lines or random words- spoken by the most familiar yet forgotten voices. But gradually, I started remembering, recognizing them. And as much as I did, I started feeling it; the sense of loss.
The sense of resentment and regret.
My past life wasn't that good, to be honest; scattered and rather unsatisfactory for my past self but for my current self? It was everything.
It wasn't like I forgot the details of my last life intentional or fully; it was more as if I couldn't access them. They were just sitting there, in the back of mind, behind the thick fog— just waiting to be discovered.
And now that I did discover some major moments, I can't resent the timing any more than I already did.
"Miyasha," the somewhat familiar gruff voice broke me out of my musing, calling my attention towards him. The owner of the voice was old-yet-young-looking man Shigeno Koji, who found my unconscious body floating by the river and saved me.
For the past few days (or was it a week now?), he had been tending to me without any complaints.
I hardly had much talk with him except the exchange of our names we had the day I gained consciousness. I was in and out of sleep most of the time and thus, unable to sprout anything coherent enough to make a conversation.
I even started talking in my native (past) language— Hindi —or even English, which wasn't completely unintentional, yet couldn't be controlled. After the majority of my memories from my past life recovered— including how I died —my mind and soul were in a constant turmoil.
It was as if I was trapped in a raging typhoon; stuck in the middle where the winds are the lowest and watching it destroy everything around me— my past life and the current one all altogether… and what could I do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Just stuck in the eye of the typhoon, waiting for it to tear me apart as it had done with my life.
"Miyasha?" His voice pulled me back to the reality, once again. I blinked and turned towards him, staring at him blankly as my mind still reeled with thoughts that shouldn't be in the mind of a four year old.
"How are you feeling?" He asked carefully, as he sat beside my futon.
"Uhn," My voice came out as a croak. Breathing was like a war; every breath was a fight against my aching yet healing body that my mind wasn't yet used to enduring.
"You want to get up, now?" It didn't escape my notice how ironic this was. In my initial days here, I couldn't wait to get up and out of here but now...
'...I don't even want to move.' I thought wryly.
Time was starting to blur together, slipping away from me with every breath. If there was some room left in me, after all the resentment and pain bubbling just under the surface, then maybe I would had felt tired. But as there was not, I was just in grief and pain.
Grief of losing my family in both the lives.
Resentment towards the God who played with me still; keeping me alive just to live with the pain daily.
And finally, the pain of losing everything, again.
And even after all these emotions, I still felt numb; as if these feelings were not my own.
My past life was scattered and ordinary, but still enough and somehow mine. In fact, even this one was eccentric and not that brilliant either, but it was still mine. I still lost them; my life, my family, my... mothers.
I silently nodded, letting him help my small body in the mere task of sitting up. He gently moved the blanket and futon aside, letting me stand up completely on my own pace. He then proceeded to check my chest wound which was surprisingly healed almost completely.
Though, it was somehow more to my surprise than his, for some reason.
"Come on, get out in the Sun. Sitting in the dark for so many days hasn't done any good to you." He said as he gently tugged my hands. I followed him silently as he opened the door and encouraged me to sit down on the mat he has spread through the yard of his house.
"Where are you from?" He asked carefully, after a few minutes heavy silence.
'Where indeed am I from?'
I didn't know, or maybe I didn't want to know. It's like my memories were merging together into an incoherent thought— too blurry, too unrealistic and somehow my reality.
"...Are you feeling okay?"
He peered at me; his kind green eyes reflecting slight hesitation.
"...I... don't know." I responded honestly, eyes blinking blankly over the shadows casted by our bodies.
I didn't know. It was like my feelings were jumbled and somehow...
It was as if I felt everything through a layer, through a filter. Everything felt unreal and dreamlike— just as if I was living in an aftermath of a nightmare.
A sudden hand on my head distracted me from my thoughts. As I looked up towards the man who was patting me, he smiled softly and combed back my hair with his large fingers.
"Do you have anywhere to go? Your home? Do you know the name of the place you live?"
'No...'
I felt my breath hitch.
'...I don't have anywhere to go... I can't go back...'
"I... have nowhere... else... to go." I slowly said it out loud, making it more real than it should be.
Before anything further could be said, a sudden yell broke through the silence that followed my confession.
"OI! OJIISAN! WHERE ARE YOU?!" A loud, yet child-like voice yelled out of nowhere. A different but quieter tone followed by, the words indistinguishable due to its low volume.
The man sitting beside me sighed, making me look at him curiously. Did he know these intruders?
"HITOSHI! HIROSHI!" He suddenly yelled, making me jump at his unexpectedly loud tone.
A chorus of two 'Yes, ojiisan!'s could be heard in the distance which was soon followed by two pair of rushed footsteps. Two boys, older than my current body, emerged in the yard. They were slightly out of breath but their excitement made them vibrant and bright.
"Ojiisan! You know what happened?!" The boy on the left asked excitedly, looking starry eyed at the man sitting beside me. "We killed the demon who was terrorizing the village nearby!"
"Yes!" The other boy agreed excitedly, "And it even had a blood art where it coul—"
"D-Demon...?" My voice broke at the single word I never thought could be real.
All three of the males turned to look at me, with varied expressions— the oldest one being worried while the younger ones still excited.
"Yes!" The boy gave me his best grin. "We killed it together before the break of dawn!"
'Demons... B-Blood art?!' My mind echoed the three words I had heard long ago, in my previous life.
'I-I...'
The sunlight outside suddenly felt too hot, the air too thin and my breath too short. I tried getting up, but my legs refused to cooperate.
My vision blurred as the memory of those two inh— Demons eating flashed through.
'...am I-I...'
"Go further! If you're a man. If you call yourself a man! There's no other way to go but forward!"
.
"The weak have no rights or choices. Their only fate is to be relentlessly crushed by the strong!"
.
"I swear your big brother will save you no matter what!"
.
"The bond between Nezuko and me, can't be severed by anyone!"
.
"It's only natural for demons to defeat Humans."
I slowly looked up at the humans near me; the elder male was soothingly rubbing my back whereas the younger ones looked at me with expressions etched with worry.
'...in an anime...?!'
