They stood there holding each other for what felt like an eternity, lost in an embrace of what could have been.
Finally, Olivia pulled away, trying to wipe her tears away with the back of her hand. "I need to get out of here." She reached for the door handle and Elliot followed.
"Liv, wait." He reached for her arm.
"No Elliot. I can't be here anymore." She looked like she was going to have a panic attack.
He let her go, but followed closely behind her. They both almost bumped into Cassidy who stood right outside the door in the hall.
Cassidy took one look at her red eyes and smeared mascara and immediately grabbed Elliot's shirt and swung him into the wall.
"You should have stayed gone!" Cassidy yelled in his face.
Elliot was never known for his self-control. He pushed Cassidy back and swung his fist into his face. "I'll leave if she asks me to leave!" Elliot yelled back. He pushed him on a little harder, "And you and I know, she isn't going to ask me to leave."
Cassidy rubbed his jaw and came back swinging. Elliot ducked, avoiding the blow, but Cassidy managed to slam him back into the wall. He got right up into Elliot's face, seething, "You know she wakes up screaming every night," Cassidy kept him pinned while Elliot pushed back, "She screams for you. And you never come. You have become part of her nightmares." Cassidy slammed him into the wall again but Elliot retaliated with another fist to Cassidy's face.
He staggered backward and Elliot rammed him into the opposite wall. "Maybe it bothers you that it's my name she screams, that she wants me not you." His voice shook with fury.
At this point a large crowd gathered to watch the two pummel each other. Before either one could land another blow both Cragen and Fin jumped in to pull them off each other. "Enough!" Cragen yelled in Elliot's face.
Elliot shot Cragen a defiant look before he pushed his arms away, and briskly pushed through the accumulated crowd.
-o-o-o-o
Liv heard the tempers flaring, but ignored them as pushed into the bathroom door and sank to the floor against the bathroom wall. She hugged her knees and dropped her head against her folded arms. Any level of control she felt over her life jumped out the window and she was left flailing in this downward spiral.
"You okay?" The familiar voice of Rollins broke through her thoughts. She felt Amanda slide down the wall next to her. "Of course you're not okay."
Liv continued to softly cry, somewhat embarrassed over her lack of self-control, but Amanda didn't seem to mind. She just sat next to her, quietly providing support.
"I don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore," Liv sighed. She lifted her head just enough to see Amanda's face.
"I think that's normal." Liv shook her head in disagreement, but Amanda continued, "You can't be strong all the time."
Olivia sighed, "I don't know how to be anything else." She shook her head, and buried her face back into her folded arms. "I don't know who I am anymore, and I hate that he took that from me."
Amanda placed a gentle hand on Olivia's shoulder. "Life changes us all. People change us. For better or for worse you know."
Liv's stomach tightened. A distant memory of Elliot echoed through her mind. Partners. For better or for worse. She couldn't stop more tears from falling. "He was the only constant in my life, you know, and he just disappeared."
Amanda understood they were no longer talking about William Lewis. "I can't imagine how hard that was."
"I didn't know who I was without him. And then Lewis," She sucked in a breath, trying to fight her rising emotion. "And then he's here again. This phantom presence who leaves and returns whenever he wants, and I'm not sure how to take any of it." Olivia bled vulnerability. "Then he tells me all these things. These stupid, reasonable explanations. And all the admissions."
Amanda continued listening, keeping her hand on Olivia's arm. Liv knew she should probably keep all of this to herself, but it all seemed to be oozing out in a flood of pain and confusion.
Liv's next admission came out as a whisper, "He left because he did want me. He left because he had to choose, and it shouldn't hurt, but it does." She choked back another sob, "And then he's here, all care and concern, and he kisses me." Liv saw Amanda's eyes widen, but she said nothing.
"None of it matters, and nothing changes." She lifts her eyes to meet Amanda's. "He's still married. He'll still go back to her. He always does, and all of this, won't mean anything."
Finally, Amanda spoke up. "If he kissed you… I don't know… That's gotta mean something."
"I can't let it mean anything, Amanda." Her eyes welled with tears. "I am not that person. I'm not the kind of woman who steps in and takes something she never had any claim to. I will not destroy his family. It would destroy him," she gulped, "I can't be the cause for that."
Amanda nodded in understanding, but said nothing. Her silent support was enough, and Liv felt comfort in their slowly developing friendship.
They sat in silence while Olivia slowly gained control of her emotions again. Amanda stood to grab some tissues, and she pulled some mascara out of her purse.
"Oh God, I must look like a mess." Liv dried her tears, and stood up to check the damage in the mirror.
"We have all been there." Amanda admitted.
Liv let out a self-deprecating laugh. "I seem to be "there" more than my fair share lately."
Amanda smiled, "Lets not pretend that I'm not a hot mess all the time. This is what life is, Liv. It beats us down, and then we get back up."
That's the truth. How often has she had similar conversations with the hundreds of victims she's encountered? Life is predictably painful and soul-crushing, but we lift ourselves from the rubble with the hope it will get better. She reached out for Amanda's hand. "Thank you." She hoped her eyes conveyed all the sincerity she felt.
"I'm sure you'll return the favor." Amanda smiled, "God knows my life is a series of idiotic mistakes." Liv laughed and straightened up, readying herself for the madness waiting for her. "Hopefully that show of testosterone subsided out there." Amanda glanced back at Liv, "You sure know how to fire up the protective instincts of the men in your life."
Liv let out a frustrated groan before taking a deep breath and pushing her way back into the courthouse hallway.
