9. Help Unwanted

"What in the hell are you doing?!" says Haymitch, leaping up and pushing my arrow down. I am still shaking, just thinking about what would have happened if I had let it go, pierced that innocent heart with my silver-tipped arrow.

The bow and arrow fall from my hands and I choke out "I-I-I th-th-thought…" Haymitch seems to be gathering understanding as he notices my shaking body, the hollow look in my eyes and says slowly,

"My cries for help…"

Shaking his head, Haymitch guides me to the nearest chair, in the kitchen murmuring to the children that I was just continuing a game that he and I were playing before. That I didn't know it was over or that I forgot. Thinking about the Hunger Games I catch his double meaning. His wordless admonishment: "This isn't the Hunger Games, Katniss. And you almost killed an innocent child, possibly two, because of your paranoia."

When we are out of the children's earshot Haymitch says, quietly,

"Sorry, Kat. Niss." I hate the way he keeps breaking my name apart, but I remind myself that it is on purpose. He is trying to get me to tell him that it's okay if he calls me Sweetheart again. I don't, I just stare over at the children. They seem to have forgotten me. Believing Haymitch about our game, they commence to playing their own with small wooden cars.

It is only now that I notice that the house is clean. No, more than clean: spotless. I look around the room shakily and see shelves that I didn't even know existed. A floor that I could've sworn was a deep brown has been scrubbed to near white. Minanaya was right: I am amazed.

I ease out of my astonishment and remember Haymitch's question, the seriousness of what just happened and squeak out, "It's okay, I just…" I say, feeling a little better, my breathing steadier. "I just thought that you were in trouble."

"I know, but I'm not. It was just those damn kids." Haymitch is motioning towards them and rolling his eyes, but his pretense isn't fooling me. I saw the way he was playing with them. He likes them.

"How is Minanaya?" I say, changing the subject because Haymitch and I have an unspoken understanding that if I don't call him out on his pretenses, then he won't call me out on mine.

"She's…great." His voice is gruff again, and I can tell that the annoyance is real now. "At least, the place is being well-kept." He muses. I glance around the immaculate room again and then stare at him twisting my lips into a disbelieving expression.

"You mean it's actually livable again." I say, because this is one pretense he won't get away with.

"It was always livable. You just didn't like the way I lived." Haymitch argues and pushes back the chair, stands, and walks over to the sink. "You want something to drink?" he asks, and I notice him pulling out a crystal-clear glass. I hadn't noticed how parched I was until this moment.

"Water." I say quietly. He slides the glass in front of me and I drink it down, its' cool wetness relieving me of the last of my tension from moments earlier. Everything is okay, no one was killed. I think, closing my eyes for a moment and breathing deeply.

"So…when are we going to talk about it?" Haymitch asks and I open my eyes to see him staring at me with a question on his brows.

"Talk about what?" I ask, because I honestly have no idea.

"Your demons, Swee-…Kat. Niss. The fact that you spend most of your nights pacing back and forth and the rest of them waking from nightmares and screaming like a two-headed banshee."

I blush slightly, "You can hear me screaming…?" I ask timidly but he shakes his head motioning towards his cabinet of liquors.

"I just know the after-effects of the games, Katniss. I've been trying to quiet those nightmares for over 20 years. Trying to drown my dreams with the alcohol. Or hadn't you noticed?" I had noticed, but I guess I don't really give his reasons for drinking much thought. Haymitch's aloof personality makes him seem so different from the rest of us. Almost inhuman. So that he has anything to quiet other than the thirst for more liquor rarely crosses my mind.

"So, what are you saying? That I should take up drinking?" I ask, thinking that I tried it once, but the hangover that I had was so sickening, along with the disappointment in Peeta's eyes, that I've never had another drink since. Never want another. I am only teasing Haymitch, but he looks at me seriously.

"No…Never. What I'm saying is that I don't want you to end up like me. You still have everything going for you at this point. More than I ever had at your age, most of which includes complete and total freedom. Not to mention the love of your short and dangerous life living across the street from you. What I do want is for you to get some help, get your head together, and get the hell on with it." He says and then leaning in closer he adds sullenly "Before it's too late."

I feel so stupefied by Haymitch's statements that I am unsure how to respond. Especially to the remark that is so clearly about Peeta. I just sit quietly staring at the children playing mindlessly on the ground. I pay particular attention to the little boy with the green eyes who I almost killed.

My eyes travel over to Haymitch's liquor cabinet, and I notice something different about it. Yes, the glass is shining with a freshly shined glimmer. Yes, the wood is now a shining mahogany. But aside from that is something that was never there before. Right in the center of the joint cabinet doors is a lock. A large silver lock obviously meant to protect those children on the floor. So that they never end up like Haymitch.

The rest of our talk is light and Haymitch doesn't mention much more about me needing help. The most he says is after asking me if I still talk to Dr. Aurelius, the therapist first appointed to me by District 13. To which I reply no and that he never really helped much anyway. Haymitch defends him by telling me that if it weren't for Dr. Aurelius, Peeta would have never been able to come back to District 12. To live alone. And I silently bless his name.

I wait with Haymitch for Minanaya to come home. Apparently, today was the first day he paid her, and she went to town to shop for groceries. Haymitch mentions that he's heard about my hunting, about the feedings and the recipe exchanges among the women in town.

"The old Mockingjay is making a name for herself again." He laughs a little too heartily and I begin to worry that maybe those few sips of tea he claims to have been drinking were sips of alcohol. But I calm myself because there is no smell. There is no liquor scent which means that he was being honest and there is no alcohol in his cup. I am just about to speak my amazement when Minanaya bangs the door open with her back. Her arms are full of bags, and I rush over to help her.

Minanaya wears a thick grey dress, which matches her eyes and makes her wearied skin look lighter against its hue. She says, "Town was hectic today!" and then she begins going on and on about her day. Her voice is quick and cheery as she details the mundane and it strikes me that this is why Haymitch seemed annoyed when he spoke about her earlier. It's as if she's found the switch to turn herself on but doesn't know how to turn herself off. At first, I try to respond to some of her statements, but she barrels through all of my starts and after a few moments I glance at Haymitch and know why; Minanaya is not speaking to me, but to Haymitch.

Before I can offer to do so, Minanaya directs Haymitch to put away the groceries and calls out to the children to go wash up for dinner. She's had a hen cooked in town, brought some bread and is going to warm a veggie stew, one of the Capitol-style cans.

Minanaya looks over at me and as if recognizing me for the first time—perhaps she is—she beams, hugs me gently and chastises me for not coming over for supper sooner. "I invited you weeks ago!" she huffs. I nod but tell Minanaya that I have been busy, and she winks, saying she's heard all about it in town. She begins again her rapid speech and laughs with a chirping tone I hadn't known her capable of, while Haymitch says nothing but carefully empties the bags onto the counter. Haymitch then tries to put things away as she tells him again and again about the places that they should go. Finally, Minanaya gives a loud sigh and shoos him out of the kitchen to wait in the living room with the kids. I watch as Haymitch walks into the room and grabs up the little boy before taking his spot on the couch and plopping the child into his lap, as the girl laughs gleefully from the floor.

They all seem so comfortable with one another. Fit in so seamlessly that I suddenly feel like an outsider and before Minanaya can ask much more than if I'm staying for dinner now, I tell her that I have to go. Before she can protest, I am already on the other side of the door, breathing a sigh of relief at my escape.

My bow and arrow! I think too late turning to go back inside and retrieve them, when I see them being tossed from the window, Haymitch's face peering out at me, mouthing the words "Get Help."