"I don't know what to do." he admitted, his hand traced up her back, following her spine, sending chills through her body. "I know what I want, but it's different from what I should do."
She nodded against his chest, knowing she should put some space between them, but not possessing the will-power to do so. "You need to go home El." She felt the tears filling her eyes, once again. She felt like all she did lately was cry. "You have to go." Her eyes met his, and she felt him choking back emotion of his own.
"I don't know if I can." His voice shook with emotion.
Olivia pulled back enough to see his face, placing one hand to his cheek, gathering his attention. "If you stay, then the sacrifice of the last two years would be for nothing." She tried to keep some space between them but his magnetism pulled her back in. Her lips were too close to his. She knew it, but couldn't back off. She felt his breath quicken and her heart pounded. She wasn't thinking. Not anymore. Common sense was long gone when she closed the distance and pressed her lips to his.
The logical part of her brain told her to stop, but the unreasonable part, the part that loved Elliot pushed her forward. If he was going to leave, she needed to feel his lips on hers, at least one more time, before she let him go.
The minute her lips met his he responded as she knew he would, communicating all the want, desire and love, pent up for over a decade. His tongue slid across her bottoms lip and she allowed him to deepen the kiss. Her arms tightened around him, clinging, because she knew in a minute she would make him leave.
She wanted to let it go on and on. She wanted the feeling of his hands on her skin and the warmth of his body against hers, but restraint pulled her back. She knew if she asked for more he would comply, but as much as she wanted everything, all of him, she knew it wasn't hers to ask for.
She broke away, knowing her emotion already erupted. Tears streamed down her face as she took a pained step backward. His hands dropped from her hips and she leaned back into the nearby wall, attempting to regain some semblance of composure.
"You need to go Elliot." Her eyes met his, "Go."
He looked like he wanted to argue, but instead he nodded and reached for the door.
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Amanda picked up the case file from Olivia's desk, not knowing how long that conversation, or whatever was going on in there, would be. She dropped the file on her desk and dig through her drawers for a notebook to jot down some notes. While looking for a pen she heard Nick clear his throat. What was with him today? She looked up at him and motioned towards the hall where Brian Cassidy walked, with a clear destination in mind.
"Shit. Shit." Her panicked gaze met Nick's and he shrugged his shoulders. Obviously he wasn't going to be any help. This was going to fall on her and she wasn't sure what the hell she was going to do.
Brian stepped into the squad room. To his credit he looked contrite, but she knew he wouldn't stay that way if he found Olivia with Elliot.. again.
His hands stayed in his pockets. He acted nervous as he approached Amanda's desk. "Hey, did Liv come in today? She wasn't home when I stopped in earlier."
Her eyes grabbed Nick's but he wasn't going to be any help. "She was here earlier," she tapped her pen, trying to act disinterested in whatever he was saying. "She got antsy and left an hour ago." Left was a strong word, more like relocated to a different room in the precinct. Probably not important.
"Do you know where she went?" He really looked sorry, but she knew the last thing Liv wanted was to be found in the bunks…with Elliot.
"Not really. She mentioned coffee or food or something, but she wasn't really specific."
Brian sighed. Just as he turned to walk away Amanda heard the door to the bunks open and click shut. She shut her eyes. Damn it damn it damn it. This wasn't going to be good. No matter who left that room first, shit was going to hit the fan.
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Elliot left the bunks feeling like the air had been knocked out of his chest. His stomach turned. She told him to go, and he promised the moment she wanted him gone he would leave. It didn't matter that she didn't want him to go. She said the words, and he needed to respect her wishes.
Elliot was so distracted by the conversation in the bunks he didn't even see who threw him into the wall until he saw Cassidy's fist connect with his face. It took only a second for Elliot to regain his bearings and throw Cassidy against the nearest desk, returning the punch to the face. He heard chairs scraping against linoleum, and knew the other detectives were headed their way. He gave Cassidy one more well placed punch to the face before taking a step back. Amaro stepped in, Amanda following behind him. All their heads turned when Cragen's voice boomed across the bullpen, "Cassidy, Stabler, get your asses in my office NOW."
Elliot grumbled but complied with the command, Cassidy followed silently behind him. Elliot threw a quick glance over his shoulder just in enough time to see Liv leaning against the door to the bunks, her eyes aching with grief, and he hated his role in that grief.
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Liv felt her body slump against the wall. Her legs started wobbling and she wondered how much longer she could keep herself upright. Just as she thought she'd fall, Amaro's arms caught her. "Hey, you're okay, you're okay," he soothed. Amanda fell in step right next to Amaro, holding Liv's upper arm, providing more support.
The two of them walked her back into the bunk room, and eased her to one of the lower bunks. Amaro lifted her legs onto the bed. She felt numb. Amanda nodded at Nick, and he quietly retreated. Amanda sat at the edge of the bed, while Olivia stared blankly.
Olivia wondered if this was what an emotional breakdown felt like? Life has been Too. Damn. much. And she was done. She knew she should cry, scream, do something, but it felt like her brain short-circuited and she was no longer able to do this whole life thing. She felt Amanda's fingers lightly brushing through her hair strewn across the pillow. She said nothing, but her presence was enough. No doubt about it, beyond Elliot, this woman was the best friend she'd ever had. The thought of Elliot brought a wave of grief she wasn't prepared for, and she suddenly felt sick. She jumped up and lost her breakfast in the garbage can in the corner of the room. That's when the tears came, and once they arrived, they stayed.
She couldn't even make it back to the bed where she'd been, opting to collapse on the cool linoleum floor. Amanda's feet entered her field of vision, she felt her arms pull her up. "Come on Liv, you gotta help me a little."
With Amanda's help, Liv used the last bit of strength she had left to make it back to the bed. She collapsed there, unable to stop the flood of waterworks pouring from her eyes. She wanted to suck it up. She was Olivia F-ing Benson. She couldn't let this beat her, but in this moment, she felt utterly defeated. She felt more browbeat, more done, than the day William Lewis cuffed her to that metal framed bed.
Amanda resumed her place as unofficial sentinel, keeping her safe until she could pick herself up again. Thank God for Amanda. She felt herself drifting off to sleep, knowing Amanda would shoot any man who dared open that door.
