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"I don't know where to even start with you idiots." Cragen had barely started and Elliot was taken back to a time when he and Olivia defied orders, and acted like all around children, running rampant through NYC. His heart clenched at the memories.
"You!" He pointed at Elliot. Elliot stiffened, and brought his attention directly to Cragen. It was a reflex leftover from his days with the Marines. "I told you to NOT make this worse. NOT to hurt her, and what do you do? YOU DO EXACTLY THAT! What the hell is wrong with you?!"
"Preach!" Cassidy stood slightly behind Elliot. And Elliot threw him a well placed look of distain.
"Don't get me started with you!" Cragen's ire turned to Cassidy. "If you would have stopped acting like a jealous ass, she would have had someone who supported her through ALL of this shit. She NEEDED you, and didn't show up! You know who showed up for her in the way she needed?! AMANDA! You both claim to 'Love" Olivia, but you both screwed up in the biggest way."
Cragen seemed to be winding down. "I have had to pull you two apart twice now, if it happens again I WILL report this to your superiors, and you will be suspended. Am I clear?"
"Yes sir." Both said at the same time.
"Good. Get the hell out of my face." Cragen sat down in his chair with obvious frustration.
Cassidy filed out ahead of Elliot. Before shutting the door Elliot turned, "Sorry Don."
His eyes met Elliots with intensity, "I'm not the one who needs to hear it."
Elliot nodded, and closed the door tightly behind him.
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Elliot peeked into the small window on the door of the bunks. Nick didn't move his eyes off his computer while he said, "I definitely wouldn't go in there." He clicked a couple windows on his screen. "Amanda can get fiercely protective of the people she loves. You'd end up with a bullet in you."
Elliot shoved his hands in his pockets and wandered over to Amaro's desk. "I wasn't planning on going in. I already made enough of a mess."
"Yeah you did." Nick looked a little angry.
"What?" Elliot started to feel like the only person who liked him right now was Olivia, and he wasn't 100% sure she did either.
Finally Nick turned to face him. "She was finally doing fine. Not with the Lewis thing obviously, but with you." He shook his head, "When you left it destroyed her. She wanted nothing to do with anyone, let alone a new partner." Nick sighed in frustration, "At the very least you could have called her, alright? How hard would that have been? She pined for you. Forever. Then she got over it. She realized she could do her life without you, and has been fine ever since."
Elliot wasn't sure what to say. He really hadn't considered his actions when he left. He honestly thought he was doing the right thing, but it had become more and more clear that he left a disaster in his wake. All he could say was, "I made a mistake. One I'm not sure I'll be able to fix."
"You might be right," Nick answered, "but you owe it to her to at least try. If you insist on showing up for her, you need to always show up for her. Either that or stay gone. She cannot handle any kind of inbetween. Not with you."
Elliot stood up to leave, feeling even more confused than he had an hour ago. All of his attempts to do the right thing had lead to disaster after disaster, and he wasn't sure he could handle one more failure
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Elliot left the precinct, feeling the need to wander around a little. He needed to think.
Liv told him what she wanted. She wanted him to go home to his family, but why did it feel like a betrayal. But if he stayed, if he chose her he would be betraying so much more. Like Liv said, he didn't know if he could be that guy.
He hailed a cab. He needed to get back to his hotel, look up plane tickets, and call Kathy. It was time to go home. Even if, the only place that felt like home was with Olivia.
He opened the door to his hotel room and noticed the cleaning crew hadn't passed through yet. Both beds sat with crumpled up sheets. Olivia's discarded shirt laid on the bathroom floor.
His stomach turned and he couldn't define the emotions coursing through him. Guilt. Love. Regret. Wishing. Pining. It was all so damn complicated, and he barely knew himself anymore.
He slumped into the office chair next to the small desk. It was time to rip the bandaid off and get this over with. He flipped his laptop open and started searching for a flight back to Italy. Not home. He would never feel home anywhere. Never again.
The soonest flight available was the next morning. He'd rather get out of NYC before he changed his mind, but he didn't have much of a choice.
He texted Liv.
I'm sorry for everything. I wanted to be here for you and I think I made things worse. I'll be flying out tomorrow. I'll call at the airport- only if you want me to.
He sent the text and then he dialed Kathy's cell so he could coordinate his pick up at the airport in Rome.
The phone rang several times, and he wasn't sure she'd answer, but she picked up at the last second.
"Elliot?" Her voice sounded off and suddenly he worried something had gone wrong in his absence.
"Hey, you okay?" He asked, hoping the answer was yes.
"No." His heart sank. "Do me a favor and don't bother coming home."
Confusion flooded over him before she said, "There weren't any meetings in New York were there?"
Elliot swallowed the lump in his throat. "No. There wasn't.
