There was no easy way to come back from the mission in South Ossetia. Most missions were difficult to come back from; all that death and destruction took a part of the agents that they could never regain. Yet that mission was different. The death that had occurred had been easily preventable. It wasn't as though they had been up against insurmountable odds. They hadn't been outgunned. They hadn't encountered problems they had been ill-equipped for. They should've succeeded. They would've succeeded. If the agents had just worked together, if they had had each other's backs, if they had trusted each other, Ari and Larissa wouldn't have died.
Nikita and Alex only glanced at each other when they returned to the truck. Throats were too tight with tears and hurt and betrayal to speak. It was left to Owen and Sean to tell each other what had happened and to update Ops. Michael had arranged for a private jet to bring them home so their post-mission appearance and Alexandra Udinov's presence in South Ossetia went unnoticed. The agents simply had to drive back to the airport without any more incidents. Owen drove again. Nikita sat up front with him. Sean and Alex sat in the back.
While they drove, Sean tried to get Alex to talk to him. He tried to comfort her about Larissa's death, and he tried to ask her about her time with Amanda. All Alex did was stew in anger, however. She clenched her jaw and her fists as bitter tears rolled down her dirty, grimy cheeks. Sean held her and did his best to soothe her. But it was in vain. She was too angry to calm down. She was too angry to speak. And she was too angry to stay awake. Her frustrations and rage burned so hotly that her exhaustion quickly caught up to her. Despite her best efforts, Alex eventually fell asleep on Sean's shoulder. She stayed asleep until they reached Division.
On the jet, Sean and Owen also managed to fall asleep. They didn't necessarily want to. But hours of inactivity after a stressful and insane mission caused their bodies to succumb to fatigue. Whereas Owen stayed asleep once he finally drifted off, Sean was in and out of consciousness. He didn't want to take his eyes off Alex. He had to keep seeing the steady rise and fall of her chest; he had to keep seeing that she was in his arms. Although his eyelids could only stay open for so long, he kept constant watch over his girl. He refused to ever let her out of his sight again. He was going to be by her side forever.
Occasionally, however, Sean glanced over at his sister. Her silence concerned him. She sat stiffly on the jet, her knees to her chest as she stared contemplatively out the window. She never slept as far as Sean noticed. Though, one time when he glanced at her, he noticed that she was covered in blood. He stared at his sister in horror until she sensed his panic. She looked at him and quickly shook her head. It wasn't her blood. It was Ari's. Regardless, she should clean it off in the airplane bathroom. She couldn't keep sitting in it, scaring her brother and eventually scaring her fiancé by walking into Division with it. She couldn't keep that reminder on her.
As Nikita walked passed to finally clean away Ari's blood, she glanced down at Alex. Her hair had fallen into her face while she slept, so, ever so gently, Nikita brushed it behind her ear. She played with the strands as they tangled in her fingers, and she tenderly caressed Alex's cheek. She hummed softly at the loving and familiar touch; then, her expression settled back into a serious scowl as though she was constantly being plagued by bad dreams. Nikita drew her hand away and continued towards the bathroom. Sean held his girlfriend tighter.
His eyes cast down towards her once more, and he studied her. Alex wasn't murmuring in her sleep like she normally did. And although she canted into his touch, there wasn't a slight smile as he ran a soothing hand up and down her spine. She was lost in some other world as she slept- a world she normally wasn't in. Sean wasn't sure if he should be concerned about that or not. After all, it could've simply been in response to her time with Amanda and the sedatives that had constantly been pumped in her system. Maybe the drugs she had been full of should've been concerning too. But Sean wasn't able to think about it. He soon fell asleep and stayed asleep.
The silence between the agents continued as the plane landed and they finished their journey to Division. Only in the bunker did conversations explode. Alex was immediately taken to Medical for an examination to ensure Amanda hadn't done anything to her. Sean attempted to follow, but Michael stopped him; the doctors wouldn't have been able to do their jobs accurately if he was hovering. That rationale helped Sean calm down. However, he still couldn't focus when Ryan called him, Nikita, and Owen for a debrief. How could his mind be in Ryan's office while his heart was in Medical.
Alex was alright being alone as she was examined. She felt more in control of herself when there wasn't somebody hovering. Unfortunately, she still couldn't control her exhaustion. She fell asleep again during the examination. She wasn't able to hear the doctor's verdict or know what was going on. Not until Birkhoff gently woke her and showed her the results. She wasn't sure why he was the one doing so, but he did it with a smile, "The scan's all clear. No hidden bombs or gas pouches. I guess Amanda knew better than to pull the same trick twice."
Rubbing the sleep from her eyes, Alex just nodded. She knew it was a blessing that Amanda hadn't turned her into a walking weapon, yet she could've told the team that. Amanda hadn't done anything to her besides play her mind games and sedate her. The real victim was Larissa. She was the one who had truly suffered. She had been the one who hadn't been saved- though, she should've been. Before Alex's thoughts could turn her bitter and angry again over that, Birkhoff called for her attention. When she glanced up at him, he was staring at her in concern, "Are you okay? You've been completely out of it since South Ossetia."
"It's been a long few days," Alex stifled a yawn. She was certain it was the sedatives that were making her exhausted. They either hadn't completely washed out of her system, or the lack of rest she actually received since she was knocked unconscious most of the time had finally caught up with her. She was certain that a few days away from Division would set her right. She could sleep and relax and get her thoughts in order. There were a lot of things she had to think about before she continued her mission. She had to make sure her motives were clear.
"How are you holding up?" Sitting in front of Alex, Birkhoff asked gently. The hours he had spent being Amanda's captive paled in comparison to the days Alex had been stuck with her. However, he was still very much aware of the horrors the bitch could inflict; his hand continued to hurt on bad days, and he continued to have nightmares about what she had almost done to his brain- and how he had almost given up Nikita because of it. He could imagine that Alex was going through similar trauma- if not worse. She should talk if she was. Bottling all that up would only make a bad situation worse.
"My neck's a little stiff. I think I slept on it wrong on the plane- or in the truck," Alex rolled her neck in an attempt to soothe her sore muscles. Between sleeping in a truck, a jet, and then a Medical examination table, she wasn't surprised her neck had a few kinks in it. She was almost positive that she had slept on Sean's shoulder the entire journey back to Division. That was bound to cause some knots in her muscles. A few stretches and a nice massage would clear them away. They wouldn't interrupt her thoughts any longer.
Birkhoff didn't know if Alex had intentionally blown off his question or not. She was rubbing at a knot in her neck fiercely, so it was possible that she was too distracted by the discomfort to truly answer him. However, if she had brushed him off, he wasn't going to let her tactic work. She had to talk. To him, to Nikita, to Sean, it didn't matter. Whatever Amanda had done to her in South Ossetia had to be discussed. That wound couldn't be allowed to fester, "Look. I got fucked up by Amanda too, if there's anything you wanna talk about…"
"I'm fine," Alex snapped harshly. She had already said she was okay. Over and over again, she had been asked if she was alright. And over and over again, she had not been believed when she had said that she was. What was so difficult to understand. Amanda hadn't done anything to her, and she was a lot stronger than people thought she was. Alex didn't need people constantly worrying about her or thinking she couldn't handle what had happened. She had been through far worse hell. She could handle a lot more pain, more than people thought.
Although Birkhoff knew that Alex snapping that she was fine was standard operating procedure for her, something seemed off about it that time- it was more malicious. She could've just been tired, and he was pushing her buttons. Nikita had shouted like when he had bothered her too much after missions in the safehouses. Birkhoff should simply leave Alex be. Fortunately, he had an easy out of the Medical room. Sean soon came crashing in after a doctor had given him the all clear. Eyes glued on Alex, he instantly demanded answers from Birkhoff, "Hey. Did she pass?"
"Yup. With flying colors. No surprises or jumpscares. She's the same old Alex," Birkhoff assured Sean. He'd hold back his concerns for later. A part of him was positive that with rest, time, and her boyfriend, Alex would return to herself. There was no need to raise alarms or worsen anyone's frayed anxiety. Birkhoff would just leave the couple alone. The two hardly noticed him leave. Sean had Alex back in his arms, and he was squeezing her tightly. She returned the embrace but not as strongly. She blamed her weary muscles for that.
"You sure you're okay? You were out of it for so long, you had me worried," Pulling only slightly away, Sean studied Alex's face. The amount of hours she had slept scared Sean. Even after tough missions and long days, Alex didn't sleep that long. She was always so active- so willing to live. Her bone-deep exhaustion was concerning. It couldn't have all been the sedatives and stress. Amanda must've hurt her; she must've fucked with her in some way. But, if Alex had passed the examination, maybe what the bitch had done to her wasn't that troubling- maybe she only played her mind games. Alex would be alright. She could go home safe and sound.
"I'm fine, seriously. If anything, I feel better than I have in a long time," Alex was softer than she had been with Birkhoff as she told Sean that she was fine. Maybe it was because he was her boyfriend and not an annoying nerd. Or maybe it was because Sean's hug helped Alex breathe again. A huge weight lifted off her shoulders with her boyfriend near. Everything seemed so clear in his warm, strong arms. Her mission seemed manageable, her future seemed bright, and her troubles seemed to go away. It really was going to be alright because she and Sean were going to make it so.
"How so?" Slightly confused, Sean wondered. If Alex was considering her time with Amanda as a long time, then being with him in Division was definitely a much better situation. But if her long time extended past that, then he had no idea what she was talking about. How could being in Medical after being held captive by Amanda in a hostile territory make her feel better. Was Sean missing something. It was possible that he had misinterpreted what Alex had said. But, even then, what was making her feel so great.
"Clarity," Alex answered simply. For the first time in a long time, what she wanted and what she needed to do to achieve that was clear. It was awful that going to South Ossetia brought her to that point. Yet she wasn't going to question or ignore her new clarity; she was going to relish in it. However, as she smiled, Sean continued to glance at her in confusion. She needed to help clarify things for him as well. Taking his hands in hers, she gave him an example of how she had become more clear, how she was finally realizing the truth, "Clarity, such as, I know without a shadow of a doubt that you will always be there for me. Unlike Nikita."
Sean remained confused. Nikita had been there for Alex; she'd always be there for Alex. The only reason she didn't immediately follow Alex to Larissa (she would've eventually) was because she had to get the black box. In all honesty, Sean considered that the priority as well. Secrets that could destroy his family were all over that damn thing. If Amanda had had access to that, the safe bubble that Jill and Sandy resided in would've been shattered. The black box had to be recovered above all else. Nikita had to help save her family; she had always done what was right, "She had a mission. She had to recover Ari and the black box."
"She always has a mission: her mission," Alex muttered harshly. Ever since Nikita had found her on the streets, Alex had been following her mission. Yes, she had made her own choices along the way- staying to fight, infiltrating Division, seeking revenge, helping others- but it was all in the name of Nikita's war. Alex never got to have her own war (besides going after Semak, but of course Division and Amanda and Nikita had been involved in that as well). It was finally time for Alex to have her own mission. And she knew just what that would be.
Besides when she slammed the black box into Ryan's chest, Nikita didn't say anything in Division. She let Owen lead the debrief; then she went to shower and change. Michael eventually found her in the carport. For half a second, he thought she was waiting for him so they could go straight home. They had all received the text from Birkhoff that Alex was in the clear and that Sean was with her; there was nothing to worry about anymore. The day could end, and everyone could go home. Except, Michael soon realized that Nikita didn't want to go home. She had far darker things on her mind. He cautiously approached her, trying to get her to talk, "Nikki…"
"Why didn't you tell me about the killchip, Michael?" Rounding on her fiancé, Nikita practically shrieked. Ryan choosing to put a killchip into Ari Tasarov's head and Owen preparing to denote the chip at any given moment were entirely separate rants. And when she had her thoughts in order, Nikita would yell at Ryan and Owen for that. But at that moment, when her emotions were all over the place, she was going to scream at her fiancé for keeping the killchip from her. How could he have done that. How could he have lied about something like that. Didn't he know that there was another way. Didn't he know that she was tired of killing.
"You wouldn't have listened," Michael explained lamely. Although he continued to disagree with the decision to use a killchip, and he disagreed with Ryan doing it behind the team's back, he couldn't disagree with keeping the information from Nikita. At the time, it had been the best way to keep her safe. Killing Ari before Nikita could risk her life to save him had been a good idea- even if it was horrific. Nikita couldn't keep sacrificing herself for others. She had to live, so she could reach the happily ever after she was fighting so hard for. She had to live, so she could finally return home to her family.
"So you kept me out of the loop? You lied?" Nikita's voice broke as she accused her fiancé of lying. Any rationale Michael could make died on his tongue. He hadn't realized how tired Nikita was until then. She must've not slept on the plane, therefore running and gunning on days without sleep- again. She had hardly bounced back from nearly dying in Geneva. And after losing Ari despite her promises, she was going to run right into the ground. Michael shouldn't have lied to her. He should've put aside his fears and told her. The two knew how dangerous and damaging secrets could be. Keeping any more was stupid.
"You're right. I shouldn't have lied. But it wasn't my call. If I had known from the beginning, I would've told you. We could've planned around it. But, for the record, I think Ryan was right to change things. Your plan was risky, and we could've lost everything. I could've lost everything," Michael placed his emphasis on his last point. He had only kept her in the dark to save her. That was why he had done- and would continue to do- a lot of what he did. He'd do anything to keep his fiancée safe, sound, and alive. He couldn't lose her. He didn't care if that was selfish. He just couldn't bear to see her hurt.
A part of Nikita wanted to roll her eyes and dismiss what Michael had said. Yet she knew that wouldn't have been fair. She couldn't dismiss his feelings for her. After all, in his position, she would've lied to protect him too. She could, however, dismiss the decision to kill Ari, especially with a killchip, "Say what you want about Ari, but in the end, he's just another one of Amanda's victims. And if we're not in the business of saving people from Amanda's cruelty, then what are we even doing anymore, Michael?"
There was no easy answer to Nikita's question. Mostly because Michael didn't know. The fight to end Division and to be free had become so muddled lately. There was no clear finish line. There also wasn't a promised happily ever after for all of them. Tragedies kept happening, and people kept dying. Most of those were preventable, like Ari. The team wasn't just failing in their war; they were failing as heroes, "I told Ari I would save him, but he still knew he was lost. Alex left. And we lost everything anyway."
Michael stepped towards Nikita to comfort her, yet movement in the doorway stopped him. Alex had found them, and she appeared as though she had something to say to Nikita. Michael knew he probably shouldn't stick around to hear what it was. He told his fiancée he'd be in Ops; then he left the women to talk. The two hardly said a word, however. They simply stared at one another, attempting to find a word other than 'so'. Neither could come up with anything. There were too many questions and accusations swirling in their heads to settle on just one thing. So they just kept staring and awkwardly standing far away from one another.
Eventually, Nikita believed she knew what she wanted to say. It wasn't going to be about Amanda or Larissa- though, they definitely needed to be discussed. She was going to ask Alex about what she thought the future looked like. Because to her, it was unclear. Unfortunately, just as Nikita opened her mouth, Ryan entered the carport. He spotted the two women and decided he had to address what had happened, "Look, I know we had some differences over tactics, but we got Alex back, and we recovered the black box. Those results I cannot argue with. That's a job well done in my books. You guys really do make a great team."
Neither Nikita nor Alex had anything to say to Ryan's tone-deaf comment. The two women only continued to wait for the right words to confront each other with. Nikita had them again after Ryan left, but she was interrupted again by Sean. He had found where Alex had slipped away while he had gathered their belongings; then he insisted that she went home with him to rest. Alex couldn't say 'no', especially when Nikita urged her to listen. The two could talk later. They could find the right words when they weren't so tired and emotionally strung out.
Except, Nikita had the sinking feeling that they were never going to talk. She felt as though everytime Alex walked away, she was losing more and more of her. Soon, she'd always be out of Nikita's life.
