19. Possibility
The rest of my day is spent in the company of my mother. My mother, Glexie-who I have decided to categorize as harmless, much like my design team for the Games-and myself explore the Capitol as something I never thought we'd be, tourists.
We try out many different foods and sightsee and I quickly see that without the looming Hunger Games and the hatred for its gluttony as the other districts starve, it is easy to find some quiet beauty in the Capitol. There is a museum that talks about the history of North America from well over a hundred years ago. There is an art exhibit with paintings that range from one called a "Mona Lisa" of a woman with a thin wry smile on her face to a statue of a naked man called "The David". Personally, I prefer the style of Peeta's paintings to these, but of course as my mother and Glexie Ooh and Aah, I quietly nod, content to thwart any debates. There is also a library full of books with plain withered covers and some with new shiny ones. Inside the library are cushy heated seats and complimentary drinks. And then there are the cafes, which are coffee shops that you go inside of and sit and drink coffee or tea or any other hot drink you desire.
We stop inside of one called simply "Sip". It is a "hot spot" Glexie assures us, but it is quiet inside with plush brown chairs and not very many people. As soon as I look over the menu, I realize that I haven't had hot chocolate in ages, and after slurping down a large cup of the thick chocolate, I order another as my mother attentively listens to Glexie talking about her life. I decide that this is my favorite stop of the day, and as I do indeed sip as the restaurant says, I too listen to Glexie colorfully describing her life.
"…but college is where I really just came to life!" Glexie says and she is motioning to her clothes, wildly. And I see you've decided to live your second life as a rainbow, I think.
"It's, like, the only place where I get to make up who I am, you know?"
My mother nods and says after a sip of her thin green tea "The classes that I took about economics, sociology and medicine? They really helped me to decide that I want to become a licensed herbalist; and hopefully one day a practicing naturopathic doctor." I almost spit out my drink in surprise. Almost.
"You took classes?" I ask, my mouth gaping. My mother looks at me, nodding and then carefully wipes my top lip with her napkin. I must have had what they call a chocolate mustache.
"In District 4. I had worked in the hospital for maybe a week, when someone told me that as opposed to helping out as a nurse, I really should maybe take up some courses and think about becoming a licensed herbalist." Think about? The statement is almost an insult because for as long as I can remember my mother was the closest thing to a doctor that we ever had in District 12. People came to our house at all hours to be healed, soothed, and patched up. That my mother would ever do anything beneath being "licensed" is beyond me.
I do not know enough about taking college courses to ask but Glexie says "How much longer do you have?"
My mother squints thoughtfully. "Well, with the accelerated courses in the Capitol, I could be a certified naturopathic doctor by the end of next year. A few of the classes I was able to test out of like "Herb Study 101" and "Knowing your Illnesses 200." But I do still have several more classes to take and I'm actually very excited about them." Thinking about my mother taking college courses to finally be recognized as a doctor by everyone makes me smile, makes me prouder than I have ever before been of anyone. I look at her and again see her in a different light. She is no longer just my mother, she is my mother, a student, a soon-to-be licensed herbalist, naturopathic doctor and the director of two hospitals. One a hospital in my little sister's honor. I squeeze her hand and she smiles at me and squeezes back.
"Good for you!" Glexie says stirring her coffee fiercely. I glance at the sugar jar. She had to have poured at least a third of it into her coffee.
My mother nods in response and I go back to drinking my chocolate. Glexie begins to look off into space and smile widely, clearly pleased about her upcoming statements. "I think my ultimate favorite thing about classes is all the amazing people you meet!" Glexie says and her tone seems higher. Soon she scrunches up her face and shoulders and says in singsong voice "That's how I met my Robin."
For a moment I'm confused. "You met your bird…? In college?" I ask.
My mother and Glexie both laugh and Glexie says "No. No, I met my Robin; my boyfriend." She raises her arm and clicks what looks to be a golden watch, but a hologram of a guy's face appears. His hair is a muted black and his eyes are a shimmering brown. Most interesting is the fact that he looks surprisingly average. His face is nice enough I guess, but looking at his plain face and back at Glexie whose eye shadow alone has more colors than her rainbow-colored tights, I find it hard to imagine the two of them together.
My mother just smiles "Handsome young man." She says gently but something in her eyes makes me think that possibly she is thinking thoughts similar to my own.
Glexie nods quickly "He's my world. We met, and just like that-" Her yellow lips explode into a whooshing noise, and she makes a booming gesture with both hands before saying "Fireworks!"
"That's nice." My mother says and by her distant smile I can tell that she is thinking of my father. I don't know that I've ever thought it, but it's nice that she can remember him now, and smile. Whereas before it seemed that even living without him was barely achieved.
"He's a history major, and we both work as tour guides for the Capitol. You'd be surprised how many visitors it gets now, especially after…" Glexie begins but by the way she trails off and her eyes hold a panicked look, I know that Effie has not only applied the single Freedom Ball rule to the Ball. She's applied it to me; Glexie can't talk about the war and the Games around me.
"What's he like?" My mother says, saving Glexie and I from our awkward realization.
"He's smart. So smart! He's different, just so unique. And funny! I can't believe I almost forgot funny!" Glexie begins laughing just trying to choke out her next words "He does these impressions that would just kill you!" My mother laughs lightly but I feel myself beginning to grow annoyed with her description of Robin.
Glexie goes on and on about how he likes to drink cold coffee and what shows he likes to watch, and how he's a cover hog and allergic to beets and no matter how I rail against it, I am becoming more and more inexplicably frustrated. What is wrong with me? I think, because I have already decided that this girl is not to be taken seriously so why am I becoming so upset by her description of her boyfriend? And then Glexie says "He just really…he lets me be myself. And he still loves me." And like that, I know why hearing her speaking in that enthusiastically giddy voice about her guy makes me feel upset: because I am envious.
Never before have I had the freedom to speak like this about anyone I liked, let alone was in love with. I mean, of course I spent my Victory tour pretending to be so in love with Peeta, who I spent months gushing about whenever a camera was on us and a mike was nearly shoved into my throat. But to have the freedom to be able to just talk about Peeta, the real Peeta, with total strangers and tell them how I actually feel? About Peeta and his favorite foods, and the way he barely breathes when he sleeps, and the way he hates the cold, but would freeze to death, if a total stranger needed his jacket? About paintings that can take your breath away, and bread that is airy yet still filling, and his hands…hands that are still soft and gentle when they should be hardened by all that has happened to him. I have never been able to talk about Peeta Mellark, the way Glexie can talk about Robin. As a person who is mine.
Our "love" story, Peeta's and mine, belongs to the Capitol. It belongs to the millions who watched us across the country. To all those who now feel so comfortable in their knowledge of us, that they shout our names in the street and grab us into bear hugs whenever they are in our presence. Even if he was "my fiancé" I have never had Peeta; I've always had to share him with everyone.
Until, I realize as the thought suddenly occurs to me…until now. Now that the Games are over, and the war is over and everything is over and we are free. If I wanted him…If I wanted to keep him, really keep him, like I said in that first interview after our Games maybe, just maybe, I can.
And just like that, I look to Glexie who found herself in college and at my mother who is changing her life in more ways than I can articulate, and I begin to think of my own newly unveiled possibility; Peeta.
And I allow myself a small surreptitious smile.
