Elliot grumbled about the insane amount of messages on his, well her, phone while in the car on the way to his wireless carrier's store.
"Well if you hadn't ghosted everyone for a few days…" she shot him a pointed glare and he gave an exaggerated eye roll.
After a quick trip to the wireless store, they arrived at Dr. Lindstrom's office. She sat in the car even after she turned the ignition off. Therapy was good, but it was always hard. She felt like she needed to mentally prepare for the coming hour.
Elliot took her hand in his and asked, "ready?"
She took a deep breath. "Yeah." She pushed her door open and stepped out of the car.
-000-
Dr. Lindstrom kept his office simple and tastefully decorated. The entire atmosphere exuded calm, from the muted colors on the walls to the simplistic art pieces around the room.
Olivia tried to breathe out the nervous tightening of her stomach, but it wasn't working. Elliot picked up on her stress and reached for her hand. He stood next to her quietly while the receptionist checked her in. They found a leather couch in the corner and sat together, and kept her hand in his until Dr. Lindstrom opened his door and called her back.
She stood up, still holding Elliot's hand, and only dropped it when she got too far away to reach. She looked over her shoulder at him one more time before entering the room.
-000-
Olivia sat cross legged on the modular couch across from Dr. Lindstrom. He gave her a friendly smile, waiting for her to start the discussion. Where to even start? "I guess I don't really know where to start," she admitted.
"Well, I know the trial was stressful. We could start there, or we can start with who you came with."
Either choice sounded equally unappealing. "Um," she thought for a moment. "The trial and the guy out there are kind of related issues actually."
"Oh okay, let's start with him then." She knew her face wasn't containing her feelings well, but she proceeded anyway.
"That's Elliot Stabler. He was my, uh," why was it so hard to say partner.
"Partner." He finished for her. Why was this suddenly so awkward? Dr. Lindstrom knew all about Elliot. He never met him in person, but Elliot had been a huge part of her life and a complex part of her reaction to her trauma at the hands of William Lewis.
She knew Lindstrom was picking up on her weirdness about Elliot, but she didn't really want to talk about Elliot right now. Was it too late to steer the conversation back to the trial?
"He came to support me during the trial." She began to steer the conversation to a less muddled subject.
"Right." Lindstrom met her eye contact. She wanted to drop her gaze, but she knew he'd think she had something to hide. Maybe she did.
"The trial was really hard." That was an understatement if there ever was one. "It was one of the worst, most stressful things I have ever done. I can't believe I encouraged victims to do this." She sighed, "The process was so draining."
"Olivia, my job is to help you work through your trauma and the effects it has on your everyday life. After coming home from the beach house you were very forthcoming with the details of your assault, some of which were very intimate." He paused and emphasized his next words, "Why do you tense up when I ask about Detective Stabler? Why is it when we talk about him you instantly shut down the conversation?"
Well shit. So much for controlling the direction of this conversation. Olivia started to nervously pick at her cuticles. Not sure how to answer the questions, she asked him a question, "Why do you think?"
"Olivia," her eyes darted to his. She desperately wanted some insight on this. She could talk about her brutal assault, but she couldn't talk about her relationship, or non-relationship, with Stabler? "You know I can't tell you what to feel, and you know my job isn't to speak for you." His eyes bore into hers, emphasizing his words, "Only you know the reasons Olivia."
She wanted to scream. This is why I hate therapy! She wanted a quick fix, someone who could tell her why she felt a certain way, slap a bandaid on her and call it good. She crossed her arms and didn't even try to hide the irritation in her voice, "Well I have no idea so I guess it will be a mystery forever." It was times like these she wanted to punch her therapist in the face and quit forever.
She took a deep breath, and tried to remember why therapy was a good idea and why she needed it. She could do this. She could talk about hard shit…even if it meant opening up about feelings she'd kept locked up for over a decade.
-000-
Elliot checked his watch again, for probably the tenth time. Even the act of sitting in a therapist's office made him uncomfortable. Memories flooded in of all the botched therapy the department had required him to complete. Therapy only made him feel frustrated, but he needed to be here for Olivia because she needed this.
He scrolled through his phone and decided it was a good time to text his boss. The time difference made communication difficult but he needed to schedule a call. Probably as soon as possible.
Once the text was sent, he went back to nervously staring at the clock and then back at the door. Why did this hour feel so damn long?
Elliot's leg bounced impatiently, and he wondered why he felt so nervous. It wasn't like he was the one talking to her therapist, trying to gain insights on his completely screwed up existence.
Finally the door opened, and Elliot nearly leaped off the couch in Olivia's direction. He toned down his enthusiasm when he saw her therapist watching their interaction curiously. Elliot stepped back so he no longer occupied the same space as Olivia. However he couldn't help it when his hand reached out and landed at the small of her back. "Ready to go?" He asked. He sure as hell was ready to get out of here.
"Yeah." She gave him a soft, somewhat hesitant smile.
He led her out the door, and once it shut behind them he reached for her hand.
They said nothing on the walk to the car, but she kept her hand tightly in his.
The quiet continued for the first couple minutes of the car ride home before Elliot decided to break the deafening silence. "I'm going to ask about how it went, but feel free to tell me to shove it. Or it's none of my business, or whatever." He knew he sounded nervous, and in all honesty he worried her therapist would try to steer her away from him. After all, his life was a mess too.
She sighed. "He was curious about you," she answered.
That nervous feeling returned. "I figured. I made a mess leaving and I'm making a mess coming back."
She gave him a hesitant smile, "Well you've always been a bit of a bull in a china shop."
"Yeah," he admitted, staring at his hands.
They stopped at a stoplight and she reached for one of his hands, effectively turning his attention back towards her. "I'm glad you're here. I don't care if it's complicated. I don't care that it's been a mess." She paused and added, "and I really don't care what everyone else thinks." She held his gaze intensely, "I need you."
He felt his eyes start to tear up, "I need you too Liv."
-000-
Olivia felt completely exhausted by the time they made it back to her apartment. As she let Elliot enter first, just as before, but this time she trailed closely behind him.
Once inside, she dropped her keys and purse in the counter, and dragged herself over to the couch where she dropped with exhaustion.
She hated how tired she felt. It wasn't the physical sort of tired, the kind you feel satisfied after, it was emotional exhaustion, and she wasn't sure there was a cure for that.
She opened her eyes to see Elliot standing behind the couch, hands gripping the couch back, watching her with that always present concern.
She sighed, "I'm okay El."
"You don't look okay."
Fair enough. "I'm just tired. This week has been… a lot." She admitted.
He nodded in understanding but his deep blue eyes still radiated that loving concern. "What can I do?"
She seriously thought about it for a moment, but she knew there wasn't really anything he could do beyond what he was already doing. She reached her hand out for him and he came around the front of the couch to take it. He sat down and shifted her head so it now laid on his thigh. She sighed in contentment, "This," she admitted, her warm brown eyes reaching up to his, "you just being here is enough."
A knock at the door broke into their conversation. Olivia hated the onslaught of panic that came with a simple unexpected knock at the door.
Elliot sensed her rising anxiety and brushed some hair away from her forehead, "I got it. You stay here."
She bit her lip, holding back her rising emotion. God, she was grateful he was here.
She laid on her back with the back of her hand resting on her forehead. She heard Elliot talking to someone, somewhat argumentatively, and then footsteps headed towards her. She opened her eyes to see Fin standing above her.
"Hey baby girl," he held some papers in his hands. She sat up in interest. "You feelin' okay?"
She gave him a tentative smile. "Okay enough," she answered.
"I brought you some files to look over," he tried to gauge her reaction. "Only if you want. I know you'll get antsy."
She reached her hand out and took the files from Fin. She shot him a grateful smile, "Thanks Fin."
"Yeah yeah, no big deal. I'll get out of your hair then." He gave her a quick wave and nodded at Elliot before letting himself out.
She flipped through the files, skimming the information before Elliot sat back down.
"I don't want you to feel like you have to work right now Liv." He laid his hand on hers, stopping her from shuffling through the paperwork.
Her eyes found his again, "It's okay. I know I don't have to, but maybe it will be a good distraction."
Elliot nodded. He was no stranger to burying himself into work in order to avoid complications in his life. After a moment he smiled, "Mind if I look too?"
She grinned. It felt familiar and comforting, them passing files back and forth, exchanging ideas and theories. "Yeah," she said before handing over one of the files.
They sat together on the couch, reading the provided files, and she realized she hadn't felt this relaxed in a long time.
-000-
"Alright," Fin strode back into the squad room. "He's for sure living there."
Amaro and Rollins looked up at him simultaneously.
"Really…" Amaro seemed surprised while Rollins didn't.
"I'm putting fifty bucks on them being more than," he made air quotations, "'just friends' in less than a month." She smiled wryly, "Anyone else in?"
Both seemed a little morally incensed, but Amanda was also intrigued. "I'll see that fifty, but I think it's going to be more like two months. They got a lot of shit to work out."
"Alright. I'll put Rollins down for fifty at two months," he glanced up at Nick. "Amaro?"
He shifted uncomfortably, "You tell Liv I participated in this, I will shoot you."
"Easy, easy, man. It's not like I'm broadcasting it."
Amaro thought for a second before conceding, "I'll match the fifty but I'm giving them six months. Liv won't allow anything until he's not married anymore and I'm with Rollins. They have a lot of shit to work out."
Just then, Cragen's voice broke into the conversation. "You are not betting on Olivia's relationship status." His eyes sent a silent 'are you?' at the three of them.
Rollins and Amaro dropped their eyes and shook their heads but Fin grinned at the captain, "Yeah, wanna weigh in?"
Cragen nearly rolled his eyes before he walked away, but seconds later he called over his shoulder, "Fifty, at three months."
"Got it!" Fin called back. Cragen waved in acknowledgment before shutting himself in his office.
