They went about their morning routine quietly, shuffling around each other, both too deep in thought to speak to the other. Elliot packed his bag, and Olivia got ready for her first full day of work since the trial began.
Olivia glanced at the clock. If she was going to be on time, she needed to leave. Elliot planned on taking her to work this morning before meeting Kathy and Eli. Her stomach still hurt, and eating didn't help. She was sure it was the anxiety of it all. She needed normalcy, and routine. She scheduled an appointment with Dr. Lindstrom for the next day, hoping he could help her keep it all together in Elliot's absence.
She nearly jumped out of her skin when Elliot touched her arm. "Are you okay?"
"As much as I can be," she answered.
His hand slid down her arm until he wrapped his fingers around hers. Screw boundaries. She wrapped her arms around his neck. His arms immediately shot around her, like they belonged there. She didn't realize she was crying until Elliot shushed her quietly, one hand interlaced her hair and the other hand rubbed soothing circles on her back. "I'm not leaving forever."
"I know," she whispered, but did she really know? She felt 90% sure of him, but that 10% made her stomach toss. She felt herself wanting to make sure he'd be back.
Her lips pressed to his throat, up his neck and across his jaw. He stood still, but she heard his breathing hitch. She pulled his head down and kissed him. She knew she was playing with fire, but she wanted him to remember. She wanted to think about the reason he should come back.
He pulled back, putting a minuscule amount of space between them, "Liv," he cautioned, but she wasn't interested in listening.
Her lips were hungry on his, begging him to respond. When she sucked at his bottom lip, it was enough to push him over the edge.
He returned her kiss, as insistent as she was. His hands pushed roughly down her back. With his body firm against hers, she stepped back until her back pressed into the wall. Her hands developed a mind of their own, deftly untucking his shirt and pressing her hands deeply into his skin up the sides of his body.
She needed to stop. She was the one who initiated the talk about boundaries, and here she was, pressed against the wall, working on the buckle of her partner's pants. Forcing the idea of Kathy to her mind effectively slowed her hands. She pulled back, and his lips hesitantly kissed her collar bone. Married. She reminded herself. They were flirting dangerously close to a line she intended not to cross, not yet.
He must have read her body language because he stopped kissing her and sank his head into her shoulder. They both breathed heavily as they both struggled to bridle their kindling passion.
"I'm sorry," he whispered into her neck. His breath gave her goosebumps.
"Why?" Her voice stayed low, "I started it."
"I participated."
"So? What the hell were you supposed to do when I had my tongue in your mouth?" She sighed. "This one was on me," she admitted. She sucked in a breath, ready to state her truth. "I'm terrified you won't come back." She felt the tears.
Understanding eased over him as he understood what she was trying to do. "I'm coming back, Liv. As soon as I can." His arms tightened around her. "I know this lack of commitment feels impossible, and I've given you every reason not to trust me, but," he cupped cheek gently, "I am coming back for you." He dropped a chaste, but lingering kiss on her lips. "I need you. Probably more than you need me."
"That's not true."
"Liv, out of the two of us, everyone knows you are the better, stronger person." The sincerity in his deep blue eyes communicated a deeper unspoken promise. The promise that she was it. She was his everything, and could never leave her behind. Never again.
He stepped away, letting his hands drop. "I'm going to make you late."
She nodded, knowing this was it. For the next two weeks she was on her own, and she would have to find a way to cope.
-000-
Elliot met Kathy at a mall in close proximity to the airport. She looked exhausted, as expected for such a long flight. Of course Eli had no sense of jet lag so he busily climbed onto chairs and hid under tables while they attempted to eat lunch.
They kept the conversation light, attempting to keep the conversation on Eli. She filled him in on the happenings over the last couple weeks. She never brought up Olivia, and he wondered if she was just too tired to fight right now.
"Do you need to get somewhere soon?"
"No," she admitted. "I'm headed to my parents house after this."
"Okay if I take Eli to the arcade and the toy store before I leave? " he hated that he even had to ask to spend time with his own kid, but this was where they were.
"Okay," she agreed. "I need some caffeine if I'm going to make it through the day."
Elliot nodded, noting the deep exhaustion radiating from her whole body. He hated this. He hated feeling like he was hurting everyone in his life right now. He felt caged in by his guilt. No matter what he did he felt guilty and unsettled. It was getting exhausting.
He turned his attention to little Eli who seemed oblivious to the tense drama surrounding him. "Should we go to the arcade buddy?"
Eli looked to his mom who gave a nod, and he excitedly bounced out of his chair, and reached for his dad's hand. Elliot took his hand, looking back once more at the mother of all his children, hoping they were making the right choices for their family.
-000-
Around 1pm Fin dropped a burrito from her favorite Mexican food place on her desk. Normally, a comfort burrito would be exactly what she needed right now, but her stomach was still churning from the bug or anxiety or whatever she had last night.
She shot Fin a grateful smile, but left the burrito in the corner of her desk. Maybe she'd feel like it later but right now her stomach felt too tender to digest something that heavy.
She tried to lose herself in the paperwork and ignore the fact that Elliot was flying out in a matter of hours. She was double checking a form when he texted her.
Just finished up with Eli. Heading to the airport now.
Another text came directly after.
Be safe. I'll be back as soon as I can.
She wasn't really sure what to say back.
Call me when you get there. I don't care what time it is. Probably not going to sleep anyway.
He returned,
PLEASE try to sleep tonight. I'll call. Promise.
She left it at that. Her stomach clenched again, and she worried she might throw up. She assumed this was work of her overactive stress response and tried to breathe her way through the nausea.
She was really ready for this day to be over.
-000-
Olivia was grateful Amanda didn't push a conversation in the car. Her stomach hurt and she honestly didn't want to talk about any of this.
Amanda picked up Frannie, and they headed to Olivia's apartment. The silence was hitting an awkward level once they made it to the elevator, "Thanks for doing this Amanda. I know it's not convenient, and you probably have other things you could be doing."
"Honestly. I really don't." She laughed, "I'm happy to be here, Liv. I've had to watch you these last few months and I really didn't know what to do to help. This is something I can do, and I want to be here."
Olivia gave her a grateful smile. "Thanks." She said simply. She pulled out her keys and opened the door to her apartment. Amanda let Frannie off leash, and she excitedly ran into the apartment, sniffing around at the new surroundings.
Amanda and Olivia followed her in, "I always let her in first," Amanda stated. "Makes me feel a little safer I guess."
Olivia nodded. It did make her feel more secure. Maybe she did need a dog. That could be her back up plan if Elliot ditched her again. The thought made her anxious so she let it go.
Amanda dropped her overnight bag on the couch and wandered into the kitchen. "What are we thinking for dinner?" She started opening various cabinets.
Olivia sat at one of the barstools, "I'm not sure what I have at this point. I haven't been eating well. I think all the anxiety with the trial kind of killed my appetite."
Amanda nodded in understanding. "Well, Stabler might kill me if I let you starve," she gave her a knowing look, "so you gotta eat something." She continued digging through cabinets before giving up. "We are ordering in," she finally concluded, "and we are going grocery shopping tomorrow. Her face suddenly became serious, "You really gotta eat, Liv."
"I know," she admitted.
They ended up ordering from her favorite Chinese food place. She felt a little unnerved at Amanda watching her eat. She shot her a glare, "I'm eating," Liv grumbled.
Amanda put her hands up in defense, "Okay Okay. I'll drop it."
"Thanks." Olivia attempted to eat, but her stomach wasn't having it. She ate what she could, and put the take out container into the fridge. "I'll eat more later," she promised Amanda.
Amanda eyed her skeptically, but let it go.
After dinner Amanda suggested a movie, but Olivia felt too antsy to sit so she puttered around the apartment randomly cleaning things. Amanda turned on some random TV show, but Liv knew she was watching her, making sure she didn't have a nervous breakdown.
Olivia compulsively cleaned every surface in her apartment until about 10pm, and then there really wasn't anything else to clean, and she knew she should try to go to bed, but the idea made her shake. She was almost positive the nightmares and flashbacks were going to plague her, and this time she didn't have Elliot there to bring her out of it.
Finally, Olivia sat next to Amanda on the couch, and Amanda asked, "You okay?" She winced, "Okay that was stupid."
Olivia chuckled, "A little, but I appreciate the gesture." Olivia focused on the white socks on her feet. "Nights are rough. I just want you to be prepared."
Amanda nodded. "What do you need me to do?"
"Just wake me up if you hear anything. It's rough, and it might take me a minute to come out of it, but just," Liv bit her lip, "just sit with me, and it should pass." Olivia really hated this. The privacy she carefully cultivated at work had exploded wide open, and she now lived in a place of perpetual discomfort. That's probably why she felt constantly nauseated.
Amanda held onto Olivia's arm. "I'm not here to judge anything. I want you to know that. I know you would prefer I wasn't here, but I want you to know that I'm in this with you."
Liv felt tears prick at her eyes, and she tried to hold them back. She gave Amanda a weak smile before saying, "Thanks. I'm going to try to sleep."
Amanda's eyes held hers, "Just come out here if you need anything Olivia. I may not be quite as good as Stabler," she gave her that look, "but I want to help."
Olivia nodded, and found her way down the hall to her dark bedroom. She let out a long breath, slightly terrified of what this night might hold.
