Olivia was trying to focus on a write up when she heard Cragen trying to get someone to leave. Cragen usually let Fin be the department bouncer so it was odd. She glanced up from the paperwork to see Kathy Stabler speaking to Cragen in hushed tones.
Her stomach clenched and her nausea flared, and she was nearly sure she would throw up. She preemptively held her head near her desk garbage can. God, this was the last thing she needed today, or ever. She knew she'd have to talk to Kathy eventually, but she'd hoped it would have been when she had at least gotten her shit somewhat together. She wasn't ready to confront Elliot's wife, at work, with an audience, and with Elliot out of the country.
She wished she could hide somewhere, but Kathy already saw her, and Liv wasn't even sure if she should smile and greet her or throw up in her trash can. Either option seemed equally appealing.
The commotion Cragen was causing apparently caught Fin's attention and Olivia watched him hurry to back up Cragen. Kathy argued and periodically glanced over at Olivia. She hated letting these two fight her battles for her, and finally decided it was time to woman up and get this over with. She wasn't some weak person who needed others to defend her. She was f-ing Olivia Benson, and in a moment of strength she pulled herself from her chair, and made her way over to the group.
As she approached she heard Fin tell Kathy that now was not a good time, and Cragen tell her to leave Liv out of her marital problems, and the whole thing felt like a mess she wanted over with.
She touched Cragen's shoulder. "It's fine." She nodded, trying to reassure him.
He looked extremely nervous but nodded back, and took a step away from Kathy. "Use my office," Cragen offered. Olivia suspected he offered it because it had windows and even if no one could hear anything, they could still see what was going on.
"Thanks." Olivia turned to Kathy and motioned for her to follow her to Cragen's office.
Olivia couldn't breathe, but managed to keep a calm outward facade. Once in the office, Olivia shut the door, and with stomach turning, turned to look at Kathy. The awkward exchange of silence was deafening. Should she apologize? Wait, what did she even have to apologize for? She didn't do anything, well not really. Kissing Elliot wasn't exactly nothing, but there was no way Kathy even knew about that.
"Liv," the use of her nickname heightened her nausea.
Olivia shifted her weight nervously, waiting for Kathy to start whatever she came here to talk about.
"You probably think I'm a bitch," Kathy started. That wasn't exactly where Olivia thought this conversation would start.
"Kathy, you know I don't think that." She and Kathy weren't ever really friends, but they tolerated each other, and on some level they trusted each other. "You know me better than that."
"Did you call him? To tell him about the trial, I mean." Her eyes were laser focused on Olivia.
Olivia straightened up and met her gaze. She wanted things to be clear. "I didn't call him. I didn't even know where you guys were for the past two years. He never called. Never answered my calls. Letters, texts, nothing." Liv maintained her confident stance but her stomach was lurching and she kept needing to swallow back the angry stomach acid rising to her throat.
"I can't believe that." She shook her head. "He couldn't go more than a few hours without talking to you. I can't believe he went two years without contacting you.
"Well. I'm not sure what I can do to make you believe me. Check my phone. Check his phone. I have no idea what would make you feel better because obviously my word means very little to you." The words fell bitterly from her lips. Olivia clenched her jaw and pushed back the emotion she felt rising. "Do you know what happened to me, Kathy? Do you even care?"
The silence in response was enough, but eventually Kathy responded. "I didn't know until after everything happened." Her eyes dropped to the floor and her voice was hushed. "I didn't tell him because for once we were okay. And I know that's stupid, and selfish, but I felt like I had given so much of my life to him, and to you that I deserved to be happy. At least a little. And I knew you had friends and other people here for you. You weren't alone. I wanted him to realize that it didn't always have to be him coming to the rescue."
Olivia wasn't sure how to feel about that. She struggled to find a response. "I did need him," Olivia began slowly, voice low, "if there was ever a time I needed him it was then, and now." Olivia's stomach ached, and she really wanted this conversation to be over. She put her hand on her belly, providing some counter pressure. "I don't know what to say. It's all complicated. It's always been complicated." Olivia felt the words rushing out, "I know I had no claim there. We were best friends but you were married. I respected that. I respected him, but when you took him away. When you left without a word, that hurt me. And now," Olivia shook her head ruefully, "now I feel like you didn't respect me at all. I tried to always be conscious of what you needed, but he was my partner and I needed him too, and that was something you were never willing to give. "
Kathy shook her head, disagreeing, "I respect you Olivia, but I also hated that he wanted you more than he wanted me." Kathy's voice exuded hurt. "Whether you wanted it or not, you have a pull on him that I never will." Her eyes began to tear up. "And I just." She wiped some stray tears from her cheek. "I'm tired of fighting it. I'm tired of forcing him to pick me. I won't do it anymore."
"Kathy, I…" Olivia began but Kathy raised her hand to stop her.
"Liv, I really just came to tell you that I don't blame you for all of this. I know this isn't what you would have chosen for us. All of us." Kathy started digging around in her purse, looking for keys. "I, uh, I need to go." Her eyes caught Olivia's once more before saying, "I wish things had been different, that all of this could have happened differently." Kathy gave her one more sad look and left the office.
Olivia stood there, eyes following after her. Once she exited the squad room, Olivia let out a breath she didn't even know she was holding. Her hand tightened against her belly. She felt like she'd been punched in the gut…literally. Intense nausea gripped her and she doubled over holding her stomach.
Just as Cragen and Fin rushed in to check on her, Olivia threw up in the small trash can tucked beside Cragen's desk. Fin hurried to her and held back her hair as she continued to vomit.
She felt vaguely aware of how red this vomit was, but her vision felt hazy. She heard Fin exclaim, "What the hell?" And Cragen's arms caught her before the world went black
