She looked sick. Or on the verge of a breakdown. Probably both. He kept her hand in his the entire ride to the precinct but she sat silently with her eyes fixed out the window. He didn't push. He could tell her mind was spinning, but he knew better than to push her right now. He had never seen her like this. He'd never seen her so close to the edge.
Once back at the precinct he tried to get her to sleep, but she refused. She insisted on staying in the squadroom, pacing. He knew she was on hour 36 of not sleeping, but he couldn't make her sleep.
He sat at one of the desks and watched her walk back and forth across the squadroom. The room was a flurry of activity, and he felt a little useless just sitting there, but he couldn't take his eyes off of her. He couldn't.
Suddenly, the noise level in the room rose, and there was some commotion. Amaro broke out of the mob of detectives, "Hey its Lewis. Hes calling on a landline from Dr. Cole's cell phone. He'll only talk to you Liv."
Of course Olivia hurried to the phone, and Elliot trailed dutifully behind her. He wanted to grab the phone out of her hands. He wanted to scream. He wanted to kill this man who was psychologically torturing Olivia. But he would get none of those things. He only wished he could spare her from all of this.
He watched as she stared at the phone. She explained that making him wait would make him angry and then he would make mistakes, but it looked like she was waiting because she was gathering courage. He watched her chest rise and fall with shaky breaths. He reached for her hand and she gripped it tightly. Her eyes moved to his, and he nodded his support. He would be right here with her. He wasn't going anywhere.
"Lewis," she began.
"Speaker phone huh? You know better than that. Take me off, now." Elliot closed his eyes and let out a frustrated breath. Now he would only hear one side of the conversation. Not only that, it gave Lewis more control. And that bastard had more control than he needed already.
The one sided conversation made his stomach turn. He hated when she used herself as bait. Her, "you know you want me", about made him vomit. His stomach dropped when Lewis obviously put the young girl on the phone. Elliot felt his jaw clench at the further manipulation clearly happening through this conversation. He was using these girls to get at Liv, and it was working. She was breaking.
Elliot watched as her face fell and he knew whatever Lewis was saying was horrible. His stomach sank. He was baiting her with this little girl, and holding that threat over head.
Lewis listen to me, Just tell me where you are and I'll come meet you. Whatever you want," her voice pleading.
After what sounded like more demands from the other end he hung up.
"He's gone. He hung up.
Fin called out a location and a buzz of activity ensued. She wandered over to him, "He's not going to be there. He's too smart for that." They walked to a slightly less bustling part of the room. Once all eyes were off of them she fell into his chest. He could feel the exhaustion radiating off of her. He also knew she was right.
"I know, baby. I know." He muttered. He winced at his accidental use of a term of endearment. He relaxed when she didn't bite his head off.
As expected, an hour later Murphy answered a call. They watched him slam the phone onto his desk in frustration.
He heard Liv mutter, "Knew it."
Elliot shadowed Olivia into Murphy's office. He leaned into the door frame and watched the conversation unfold. He felt like he was having a flashback to when he and Olivia would bounce ideas off each other until they got a lead. He watched her do the same thing with Murphy now, and he realized how much he missed that.
"I'm calling his old defense lawyer," she stated and grabbed her phone. He and Murphy waited nervously.
He wasn't at all surprised when Lewis picked up the phone. He learned a long time ago to trust Olivia's instincts.
He found himself on the outside of a one sided conversation. From the looks of things he was taunting her…again. He resisted the urge to rip the phone from her hand and scream at this madman. But it wouldn't help, and Olivia was already spread thin. An outburst from him would only rain more stress down on her head.
When she finally hung up the phone she looked ill, but there was a familiar spark of determination in her eyes. "Elliot, I need to talk to the lieutenant alone for a minute."
He stepped back from the door, but he didn't like this. The only reason Liv would kick him out would be so she could discuss doing something reckless. Someone she knew he wouldn't approve of. He shut the door and stepped away, but he felt useless. He wasn't here in an official capacity so he would surely be cut out of any case discussion.
With nothing else to do, he stuffed his hands in his pockets and watched helplessly through the window.
-000-
She barely looked at him when she hurried out of the office. He glanced at Amanda and they both followed her to the locker room. She was going to do something self/sacrificing and stupid. He could feel it.
He stopped outside the locker room door. "I'm going to talk to her," he started.
"Did you see that look?" Amanda motioned at her own face. "She's gonna do something."
"I know." His eyes dropped. "Can you keep people outta here. She walking a tight edge right now Amanda and I'm afraid she'll do something stupid."
"I'm worried about that too," she admitted and slapped his shoulder, "get in there. I'll keep everyone away."
"Thanks," he said with a grateful smile, as he slipped through the door.
-000-
He heard a shower going and steam had already begun to fill the air. He walked carefully back to the showers. He didn't want to scare her, "Liv?" He kept his voice low, but loud enough to be heard over the shower spray.
He ventured further in and caught a gimped of her in the stall furthest away. "Liv?" He tried again, hoping maybe this time she would answer him.
As he got closer he noticed she wasn't standing. She sat on the floor, hot shower spray hitting her neck and shoulders. Her knees were pulled up to her chest and her head was buried in her folded arms.
She didn't respond. She didn't move. She just sat and let the water stream down her wet hair.
He wasn't sure what he should do, but he could watch her like this without doing something.
He quietly kicked his shoes off and peeled off his socks. He shucked off his pants and shirt. He left his boxer on so she didn't question his motives for joining her.
He sat next to her, and the cast off spray from her body left him a little chilled. He slid closer and slid an arm around her wet shoulders. She shifted closer, the first movement she had made since he found her.
"Liv," he tried for a third time. He tucked her wet hair away from her face. She still had her eyes closed, but after a moment she allowed them to open and he hated all the hurt residing there.
She didn't lift her head, but she kept her large brown eyes on him when she spoke. "I can't do this, El. I can't do any of this."
His heart was breaking at her admission because he knew how much it cost her to say it. She was never one to wear her heart on her sleeve. She preferred to keep it hidden, locked tightly away.
He pulled her into his arms, and tried to ignore the fact that she was sitting in his lap, completely naked.
She started to cry and he pressed her cheek into his chest as the water continued to stream down their bodies. He kissed her forehead lightly. "Olivia Benson. You are the strongest person I have ever met." Her eyes found his, and he cupped her cheek softly. "I love you, and I know you can do whatever needs to be done." He pressed a light kiss to her lips. "And I will be with you for it all."
-000-
"I need to tell the truth. I can't hold it back anymore. I can't," she struggled to keep her voice steady.
"Are you sure?" His voice was a low rumble and she felt a fire growing in her belly.
"I have to. If I don't do everything I can for this girl," she shook her head, "I won't be able to forgive myself."
His fingers caressed her face. "What about the fallout?" He asked tenderly. He knew her. He knew her job was everything to her. He knew what this would cost her.
"I'll deal with that when it comes." She pressed her forehead against his. "Please don't talk me out of this. I'm doing it."
He nodded but it felt like a gut punch. He didn't want her to do this. There had to be another way, but they didn't have time on their side. "Okay," he whispered as he tightened his arms around her.
The sick feeling in the pit of her stomach somewhat eased with his quiet support. "I know he's playing me," she admitted. "He purposely reminded me of our time together." She gulped back her emotion. "And just his voice sends me back there, and my skin is burning. He didn't have to remind me of the smell or the feeling of hot metal on my skin. It was just there, and for a moment it was all I could see. All I could feel. And I just…" she knew what she wanted. Her heart pounded. She wanted him to make her forget. She pushed away the guilt she felt about even asking him for this. She knew eventually his guilt would catch up to him and it would be painful. She felt more emotion rising, and she hated herself for needing this and for needing him in this way.
She let out a nervous breath, before shifting her weight around so she now straddled him with her arms wrapped around his neck. "I need to forget." She pressed her lips to his. "Help me forget," she ran her hands down his wet chest, and she kissed him…deeply. His hands slid up her back and back down to her ass, and she knew he would say yes. He pulled away, but she kept her eyes closed. She worried if she read his hesitance or guilt she'd back off, and right now he was all she wanted. "Please," she whispered, and her lips brushed against his.
She felt his breath quicken, and his mouth was on hers. When his hands made another pass up and down her wet body she knew he was all in. He would make her forget William Lewis ever existed.
-000-
